


Next To Me

by emquin



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, Buck Begins, Character Study, Domesticity, Eddie's sisters, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mostly Canon Compliant, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, bed sharing, buddie, canon compliant through 3x10, eddie begins, minor Buck/OC, pinning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-12 23:37:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 93,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21484714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emquin/pseuds/emquin
Summary: Buck and Eddie started off in different places but eventually they ended up in the same. Eventually, they ended up in love.Told from Buck and Eddie’s perspectives, a canon-compliant take on Buddie and how they could realistically get together.-Buck had never had a friend like Eddie before. Someone that burrowed under his skin and wrapped around him and became a part of him — like an extra limb, someone he couldn’t do without.-He loved him. Eddie loved him. Eddie was in love with him. With Buck. With his best friend. But it didn’t matter…loving him meant that the only thing that mattered was being able to keep him in any possible way even if that meant that Eddie could never tell him.
Relationships: Eddie Diaz/Shannon Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Abby Clark, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 300
Kudos: 841





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This is far from my first fic, but it is my first fic in the 9-1-1/buddie fandom. I binged the first two seasons a few weeks ago and got caught up on the current season, read a few fics, and here we are. 
> 
> I wanted to write something that explores Buck and his past but also a realistic take on Buck/Eddie within the canon. As I wrote, I figured out that for it to work I would need to look at Eddie's past as well and so this fic was formed. 
> 
> Title comes from the Imagine Dragons song: Next To Me. Go listen to it, does that not sound like these boys? Because it does. Enjoy.

The thing was that he always liked guys. Buck was an equal opportunity lover because people were people and a lot of people were hot. Girls were easier sometimes. A bit of smiling, some flirting, and most of them were welcoming him with open arms and Buck was not afraid of using anything at his disposal to close the deal. Even, on two occasions the ladder truck. Thinking back on that made him cringe. With guys there was always the awkward moment where Buck had to figure out if the guy that caught his eye was actually gay or bi. His gaydar was faulty at best. Worse, or equally as bad, when other guys looked at him they saw a straight guy. It was very rare for anyone to actually peg his sexuality before they got to know him. 

For a long time, Buck was all about the one-night stands. The quickies anywhere. Even sometimes in the view of other people. That was just easier. After all, it was his experience that the people he cared about always hurt him after some fashion of time. It happened with his parents, with his sister, with the boy he loved back when he was in high school, and perhaps even everyone that he considered giving a shot to. Keeping people at a distance was easier. 

Then, he became a fireman. 

His mother always wanted him to be a doctor or, if not that, a nurse like his sister. She had hopes that if it wasn’t a medical field that he do something that meant something. In other terms, she wanted him to have money and success. His father had probably cared at some point, but as early as the age of ten, Buck had known that his father didn’t like him. His parents should never have been parents. They were the kind of people that had kids because that was the next step after getting married and buying the house in the suburbs complete with the white picket fence.

If they had cared even a little, they might have bothered to be bothered when Buck announced that he was leaving Pennsylvania. His sister had been long gone since then to put up a fight. Buck had packed up his clothes and a few other odds and ends into his car — the one single thing he was taking that his parents had given him — and then he was on the road. It was only once he’d made into another state that he called Maddie to let her know his plans. 

“Hey, Mads,” he said. “So, I left home. Not sure where I’m going but I had to go.”

“Evan, oh my god. What—”

She only ever called him Evan when she was shocked or when she wanted to put a point across. After all, it was Maddie that first started calling him Buck since using Buckley felt weird considering it was her own last name and she didn’t like the name Evan. She had used it so widely that aside from their parents everyone knew him as Buck. 

“It was time. They were driving me crazy, Maddie. I just figured I’d let you know.”

There hadn’t been a plan when he left. Buck hadn’t even known he wanted to be a fireman, much less what he might do with himself. He picked up odd jobs on the road but never stayed long anywhere. He was nineteen and for the first time he felt free. Maddie called him every day, urging him to at least go to college. It didn’t matter where. She would even pay for it. He turned her down every time. The only thing he’d been remotely interested in was joining the Navy. The Navy Seals to be more accurate. It seemed sort of unattainable to him at first so he put it off to keep living the life of the free spirit. 

Back in Hershey, Buck had had a few friends. One of them was the boy he’d sort of but not really dated — the one that in the end turned out to be an asshole anyway. Most of the other friends had gone off to college but they kept in touch and if Buck happened to be near their schools if they’d gone out of state he went and visited. That was how he wound up catching up with Matt and meeting Matt’s new friends and joining them on a Spring Break trip to Mexico. 

When they all left to go back to school, Buck decided to stay behind. He managed to score a job at one of the bars and Mexico was just nice. The weather was gorgeous, the people were friendly — the locals more so than the tourists. There was also plenty of money to be made. Buck had taken Spanish in high school and it was enough to get by until he really started to pick up the language. The swear words came easy. 

It helped that Mexican girls and boys were not shy when it came to flirting with him and willing to teach him Spanish. He learned more than just Spanish during his stay. 

A full year went by before he noticed it. Buck stayed for another six months before a call from Maddie meant he actually had to go back home. She was getting married. 

It was somehow easier to face his parents and Maddie when he returned for her wedding. He didn’t like Doug much but Maddie was happy. It was possible their parents didn’t like Doug either but he was a doctor and they seemed like they were in love. Maddie was happy. 

Afterwards, Buck went back to Mexico and because he could, he travelled through Central America down into South America. He stuck mostly to the coast working at bars and restaurants as well as other places and for seven months or so he just wandered. By then he was fluent in Spanish. He got back to Mexico eventually and then Maddie finally convinced him to go to school. She wanted him to at least have his Associate’s Degree. She worried about him. Then again, that was probably exactly what big sisters were supposed to do. 

“You can’t keep being some sort of vagabond with no home, Evan,” she said over a phone call.“There has to be something you want to do. Maybe school will help you figure it out and if not then you have a plan B to fall back on.”

Maddie had always been smart and Buck figured he’d listen to her. She was there with Doug and his parents when he graduated from Community College and Buck ignored her when she tried to push him to continue his education and instead, he spent some days with the family before leaving again and this time he was headed for California. 

Mexico had taught him that he liked nice weather and the West Coast seemed like the best option. He was far enough away from his parents and he and Maddie kept in touch. Emails and phone calls and texts. Eventually, though, they both just stopped trying. She was busy with her job and her new married life and Buck was content with his life. Buck wouldn’t lie and say that it didn’t hurt when she started to ignore him. 

California was different from Mexico and most other places. Buck rented a room and then found a job at a popular bar. His time in Mexico had given him skills with preparing drinks so he was hired after Buck showed off some of his skills. California was also where he felt the most alone. 

He had friends. Sort of. The kind of people you met up with at a bar from time to time. Not the kind you texted if you needed help or in an emergency. Drinking buddies, acquaintances met through his roommates. No one dependable and no one that would miss him if he disappeared. Not that Buck was even looking for real friends. The ones he’d had before from school all had their own lives and things going on and Buck didn’t think he even really missed them. 

Working at the bar also meant meeting a lot of different people. Buck hadn’t known it at first but a few celebrities stopped in from time to time. Mostly, though, the bar drew in other types. The creatives — producers and other executives looking to find their next big star. Some of them approached Buck. After a while he could tell why someone was looking at him from afar. Some of them were general looks of someone wanting him in their bed. Other times, it was the speculative look of someone that thought he looked like he would fit their next film. Buck turned them down every time. He didn’t turn down the girls or the guys hitting on him. 

It did bring along more trouble than it was worth. Buck was working in LA. He was a bartender without the stars in his eyes waiting for his big break, But everyone else around him — that was why they were there and the jealous looks thrown his way grew tiresome. 

Buck started looking for other jobs. None of them lasted more than a few months. 

He took a receptionist job at a gym for a little while. Then, he was a valet. Then, he tried and failed as a personal assistant. For a while he went back to bartending before he found himself working at a child care place. That was probably one of his favorite jobs. Buck loved kids. He loved the way they saw the world and how much the little things mattered and made them happy. Maddie told him he should be a teacher on the rare phone call they shared. 

Buck was considering the idea until he remembered that old dream of his. Joining the Navy Seals. It felt like the right time to revisit that idea. 

He lasted about five minutes. The training was horrible, worse than anything he’d ever gone through and yet somehow, Buck managed to do it. They didn’t even bother with you unless you were already at peak physical shape and even then the training was hard. He did everything right. His superiors thought he was good and Buck just kept pushing himself. 

He didn’t tell anyone what he was doing. By then contacting Maddie had gotten harder and harder. She didn’t call him back or respond to emails. Occasionally she texted but it gave him nothing. Buck stopped reaching out. He was all alone, so he buried himself in what he was doing. 

Bootcamp had seemed like the hardest part at first, but then came the real eye opener once he was in Pre-BUDS and it was made clear that he had to put his emotions in a box and lock them up tight. There was no room for that as a Navy Seal. Buck couldn’t do it. Even if he had wanted to, he was basically told he didn’t have it in him to be one. 

He left, just a bit dejected, certainly a little broken, and in the best shape of his life. The training had done something to change him — just a bit. But it didn’t mean that Buck knew what came next for him. Mostly, it meant that he appreciated things a little differently. Things like his emotions and his ability to care. It didn’t exactly stop him from picking up a gorgeous dark haired man a few days after the fact and falling apart under his touch in an unfamiliar bed. It also didn’t stop him from leaving the next morning knowing perfectly well that it was a one time thing. 

Afterwards he wandered around the country for a while like he’d done when he first left home. Maddie still didn’t answer calls or emails or texts but Buck wasn’t in any state of mind to let himself really worry. On Instagram she posted pictures of herself and Doug. Always smiling. She looked happy. When he left a comment, she never responded. 

Eventually, Buck made it back to California and the job at the childcare place welcomed him back. That was when it happened. One of the kids swallowed something and choked. Buck was the one to call 9-1-1 while one of his coworkers tried and failed to make the object fall out. The firefighters and paramedics arrived in minutes and Buck watched as they worked, getting the marble dislodged and checking the little boy over until they were satisfied he’d be okay.

The next time he was in an emergency was almost a year later. It was at the beach. It was late afternoon and the lifeguards were gone. Most people at the beach were staying on the sand, enjoying the late afternoon sun. A few kids kicked around water at the very shore. Then, they all heard shouting. A couple of teenagers were out in the water and one of them was caught in a riptide. Buck had been a lifeguard back when he was in high school, just a quick way to earn some money over the Summers and get to stare at pretty people. He wasn’t CPR certified anymore, but he knew what to do and there was no one else running to help them. So he ran, going in the water and swimming out to help, adrenaline rushing through him right up until the very end when he had the boy back on land and he was starting compressions. Others were trying to help and someone had called 9-1-1 but by the time they arrived the boy was already throwing up water and coughing as air finally made it into his lungs again. 

“You might have saved that boy, kid,” one of the paramedics said and touched his shoulder. “Good job.” 

“I — thanks,” Buck said. 

“You know, there’s always a need for first responders. We could use someone like you.”

And it was like a bell going off in his head. He’d never considered it before but it made sense. He wasted no time going for it. 

It was the best decision he ever made and maybe it was his experience with the Navy Seals or his sheer determination that made the entire process surprisingly easy. 

The written exam wasn’t hard at all and the CPAT was even easier. Buck was still in good shape from his Navy Seal training even a year later and everything they threw at him was not all that difficult. He could see some of the others straining but most of them had clearly prepared and were pushing themselves to do it. It was satisfying to be able to do it all. Even the psychological test turned out to be easy. 

He ended up at the fire academy really learning his stuff. A few months later he was a probationary firefighter and he was hired and assigned to an LA Firehouse. Fire Department Station 118. 

When he first joined the 118, it was just like any other job. Not in the sense that it was somewhere to work and somewhere to be but in that all the other firefighters saw him like everyone else always did. Some guy a little too cocky and a little too interested in literally anyone that crossed his path. That, after all, was something that didn’t change. Buck was still having sex. Lots of it and with anyone that seemed interested. 

Dating apps — or rather hookup apps — were sometimes the easiest way, but Buck still went out to bars to pick up a girl or a boy. He didn’t disclose his sexuality to anyone at work. He’d never had to before at the other places and it didn’t feel like something that he could just bring up not even when he found out that Hen was a lesbian with a wife and child. It was just that bisexuality came with a stigma and Buck was already not prone to labels. He also...well, he didn’t know how to talk about it and since it didn’t change who he was or how he did his job, Buck just kept it to himself.

For the first time in any job, though, he found people that he actually liked. Captain Nash in particular was someone he warmed up to quick. Enough so that he invited him to a Springsteen Concert a month into being a part of the 118. Buck felt comfortable with them and everyone welcomed him in maybe more so on a personal level than as a fellow firefighter. They all teased him about how much of a flirt he was. 

Buck hooked up with people all over town and somehow it was just a string of girls one after the other and none of them left an impression and Buck didn’t really care for or about them. It was like scratching an itch. 

It was once it started affecting his job that Buck started to think that it might be a problem. And he just had no idea why he was even so reckless and stupid especially when it was a job that he loved and possibly the happiest he’d been in ages. He shouldn’t have done anything to threaten that and yet something made him rebel. It made him thoughtless and when the girl he was talking to was offering to put out if he got to her within a certain amount of time — a near impossible task — it was a challenge he willingly took. He just drove off with the ladder truck and didn’t even consider how it might be a problem until he was back and he could see it on everyone’s faces that he’d screwed up. 

He did it again not a few days later, telling himself he was going to get away with it and that either way he’d still have one more warning to go before it became a real problem. By then, of course, Buck had it almost figured out. He had a problem. He self diagnosed as a sex addict. 

The thing was that he just wanted it all the time. With anyone. Mostly girls. Girls were somehow easier. Sometimes they were the very same girls that he met out on calls. Sometimes it was the girls that were impressed by his uniform. Chim was not wrong in saying that it made a difference and not just with women but with men too. He’d seen quite a few checking him out while on calls. 

Buck hadn’t actually expected for Cap to fire him. His whole world seemed to fall apart after that. 

Buck knew he was welcome on the team, but he also knew that they were all wary of him. He didn’t blame them. After all, they were all supposed to have each other’s backs and for that they needed to have trust and that didn’t come overnight. He needed to prove that they could trust him and Buck could admit even to himself that sometimes he rushed into things without thinking. It was lucky he had people around him that were experienced and knew better than him and that stopped him from making mistakes even if they also judged him for it. 

One thing that he noted almost immediately after getting assigned to the 118 was that everyone did seem to care about each other on a deeper level than co-workers. They were friends. They were family. Buck had never expected to be a part of that and yet there was a part in it all where he fit. The youngest firefighter of the house and possibly the most reckless...they all liked him even if they were still getting used to him out on calls. 

Buck loved his job. He loved the adrenaline and everything that came with saving a life. The first few calls had been nerve wracking and Buck hadn’t been fully prepared for what they were and yet he’d managed to jump in and help alongside everyone else. So being fired...having Captain Bobby Nash look at him that way...it felt like his life was being torn apart. Worse, after it happened he realized that it wasn’t just the job he loved, but everyone he had gotten to know there. Bobby, Hen, and Chimney especially stood out and he didn’t want to not see them every day. 

Getting a second chance when he thought he wouldn’t was eye opening. It made him change. He wanted to show them that he did deserve to be there and after a little while, he realized that they did know that. Bobby seemed to trust him more and the rest followed suit. Buck didn’t want to let any of them down. 

Unlike with anyone else he’d met since leaving Pennsylvania, Buck finally found people he could be himself with — be accepted by. Buck found himself sharing parts of himself with them — things that he’d always just kept to himself before. He told Bobby about the sex addiction thing and followed that up with talking to him about anything and everything because Bobby was just easy to tell things to and he didn’t judge Buck, either. He mostly seemed amused. He also tried to offer advice where he could. 

Before Buck knew it, he was part of the gang. One of them. They were more than co-workers. They became a pseudo family that he didn’t know he needed or wanted. Bobby was probably the one that Buck felt closest to — he saw the older man almost like a father...or at least what he had wished his father had been. 

Buck also found himself with a relationship. Abby was wonderful. Buck usually went for people his age or thereabouts so it was a little strange that Abby was seventeen years his senior. She just had such an amazing vibe about her and youthfulness that Buck loved. She was the first person in a long time to keep his interest even when they weren’t having sex. Abby changed him. Or maybe everyone did.

Having people that cared about him and that became his family...it made a difference. He didn’t need to fill a hole with meaningless sex. He had other outlets and other ways to express himself. Bobby had started teaching him to cook and Hen let him babysit from time to time — only when no one else was available. Chimney was hurt and recovered and came back and Buck appreciated life more after knowing he could have lost a dear friend. 

When Abby left, it was Chim and Hen that took him out for drinks and made it just a little better. Bobby and he had a talk about it the next day and it occurred to Buck that they were all trying to make sure he was okay and that they all thought he and Abby had broken up. 

In truth, looking back on it later, Buck supposed that a break up would have made more sense than how the next few months went with him living in her apartment convinced that one day she was going to just surprise him and be there waiting for him when he came home. It never happened. He’d sunk deep into denial about what Abby leaving really meant. 

He was kind of crushed by it in the months that followed her leaving. Work kept going and having something to do and to keep occupied with helped even if arriving back at Abby’s empty apartment always made his shoulders slump. 

Buck could tell that Chim and Hen were a bit surprised by how little interest he showed anyone else. It was as if they had been expecting Buck to just move on from Abby like he had with all those others and start picking girls up on calls again. Occasionally some of them did catch his eye — cute girls and boys alike. But Buck wasn’t that guy anymore. He’d been ready to settle down with Abby and he didn’t want to regress and use people like he had before. 

“You’re going to have to move on sometime, kid,” Chimney said one night while out at the bar.

“But, I don’t. Abby is coming back.”

Or maybe she wasn’t. Buck didn’t want to think about that. It was just that when they did get to talk that she never gave him any time frame. She sounded happy, though, and it was almost a relief to know that even if he wasn’t a part of making her happy even if it did leave him a bit bitter. Somehow, in spite of the whole Abby thing, Buck felt settled in his life and he had a new goal to achieve, getting chosen to be on the annual fireman calendar. 

Buck had started working out more specifically for it, focusing on a goal weight and goal percentage of fat on his body. Only one firefighter was chosen per station and Buck was going to be it. 

Then, Eddie Diaz showed up. And Buck hated him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter should be up in a few days once I tweak it a bit and will focus on Eddie's side of things. As of right now I am planning on this being 4 chapters long but that could still change. Let me know what you think of this first chapter. Thanks for reading. 
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this fic on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/189158907472/next-to-me-14).


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love the response for the first chapter! Thanks for reading. 
> 
> A few notes:   
I decided early on that I would need incorporate some Spanish into this fic especially when including Eddie's family into the fic. I think I might be in the minority in thinking that a lot of buddie fics overdo it but that might be my perspective as a hispanic person living in the US and just my own experience with Spanish. I do understand and speak Spanish fluently but don't speak it often and I've never really written in it which for the purposes of this fic doesn't matter because we're dealing with conversational spanish anyway and in a lot of cases spanglish because that's more realistic to me. I've put the translations right underneath the sentence it pertains to so everyone gets the meaning. 
> 
> And if you didn't notice, this fic is now going to be 6 chapters long isntead of 4 because things got away from me as they always tend to do. 
> 
> Enjoy. :)

“No, no! No!” She pointed her finger at him and she was shaking her head furiously. “No, Eddie, you don’t get to decide for me. It’s my mom! My mom!” 

“Yes, and this is your son!” Eddie yelled back.

Eddie couldn’t remember how long the argument had been going on. Days and days of it going on and on and Eddie hated it. He hated that the two of them were getting so good at pretending that everything was fine when it was actually falling apart but maybe that had been part of the problem from the very start. 

Eddie was sure that his parents could tell something was wrong. Neither of them brought it up, though, and maybe they were convinced that it was to do with the aftermath of his time in Afghanistan. His mom had been dropping a few hints here or there that he should see a therapist. They probably had no clue that all he and Shannon seemed to do is fight.

His saving grace was Christopher. Christopher made everything better and Eddie was trying to make up for any of the time he’d lost with his son. 

When Christopher was born, Eddie was in Afghanistan unable to take leave and hating himself for missing most of the pregnancy and then worst of all his birth. The thing was that he and Shannon hadn’t planned on children so early on. A good surprise, but a surprise neither was ready for. Shannon had told him it was fine, that he could go — all the work he’d put into it couldn’t go to waste and he’d be able to take leave close to her due date. 

Except that she went into pre-term labor and then there were further complications. By the time that Eddie finally got to meet his son, Christopher had already been diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. Shannon was depressed and hating herself and Eddie’s parents had stepped up while Eddie could do nothing but stick around for his two week leave and try to do his best but ultimately he’d had to go, promising that as soon as his tour was over he’d be home again. 

He did return at the end of his fifteen month tour, to a more stable Shannon and to his mom who did more than her share to help with Chris. Eddie had fallen in love with his boy — the boy that was half him and half Shannon and more wonderful than anything else in the world. Eddie had thought that he knew love when he fell in love with Shannon, but real love was the love he felt for Christopher. It was the encompassing, do anything for you kind of love and Eddie knew that it would never fade no matter what. He’d never felt that way about anyone before in his life. 

The thing about love was that it wasn’t enough. 

Things weren’t easy. It was doctor’s visits and specialists here and there and a bunch of other nonsense but they were together and they were a family and Eddie had no intention of not sticking around. But Eddie hadn’t realized the extent to which having a special needs child could drain you. He could see it in Shannon and in how much their lives revolved around helping Chris. It wasn’t that he resented it — the love that he held for his child and for his wife — it was just that Eddie felt exhausted and pointless and then he read a few emails and he was signing up for another deployment. They needed the money and selfishly, Eddie needed to go. 

Shannon didn’t speak to him for days after he told her. Even things to do with Chris she passed on to him through his mother. Eddie had been able to see some of the same judgement in his mom’s eyes but she never said it outloud. It was his dad that understood a little better. 

“I get it, mijo,” his dad. “It’s hard. Yo entiendo. Pero es tu hijo y I don’t — tu no eres alguien que corre de nada. Life’s hard, but you’re strong. And, si necesitas irte then go, pero tienes que regresar.”

[I get it, son,” his dad said. “It’s hard. I understand. But, that’s your son and I don’t — you don’t run from anyone. Life’s hard, but you’re strong. And if you need to leave then go, but you have come back to us.] 

Being away wasn’t the relief he thought it’d be and yet he stayed away. After all, he spent a lot of time just missing Shannon and missing Chris more than anyone else. Saving lives and doing something that mattered, at least he felt like he was away for a good reason, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t feel guilty for staying away. The thing was that Eddie felt like he could actually save people and help people. With Chris, there was very little under his control and it was frustrating and scary and it was why he renewed his contract yet again. He was home for just a few months — wonderful tiring months of getting to bond with his son and seeing his personality start to shine through — before leaving again for another fifteen month long tour. He regretted it as soon as he was gone. It had been the wrong choice. 

“You’re not being fair, Edmundo,” his mom told him when he returned home on leave for a few weeks. “She needs you here. Chris needs you here.”

Eddie could only say, “I know, mom.” and let the guilt wash over him. 

After being awarded the Silver Star and finishing up his last fifteen month tour, Eddie officially retired from the Army. He didn’t even tell Shannon when he was coming home since it was just a little earlier than they might have expected and just in time for Christmas. 

Shannon cried when she saw him again and Eddie cried when he saw Chris. He was so much bigger and older than he’d expected and even though Eddie had seen him almost weekly over video calls it was different to have him in front of him and to be able to hold him. Christopher was more of a person, by then. He was funny and quirky and perfect. Eddie never wanted to be away from him again. 

Things went well for a while. Chris was settled with school and between him, Shannon, his parents, and occasionally his sisters there was always someone to watch Chris when needed. Things seemed to be settling into something normal and steady for Chris. Eddie had started to look for a job, a little listless but happy to be home with his family. That was when the other shoe dropped. Shannon told him about her mom. 

It was a late night and Chris was already in bed. Eddie had been the one to put him down and he’d spent almost forty minutes reading to him. Shannon had finished up a call with her mom when she turned to him. 

“My mom’s sick.”

It wasn’t a recent sickness either, it was something that had been going on for months and months and that Shannon hadn’t bothered to mention to him until that moment. 

“I’ve been trying to convince her to come out here but she has all her doctors there and she loves where she lives and…”

Eddie was the one to suggest she go to California. 

“We should go,” Shannon said. 

“Okay. We can get my mom and sisters to watch Chris for a few days and we go see your mom,” Eddie said. 

That was not what Shannon wanted and so began their argument. 

“I’ve been putting her off for months because you weren’t here, Eddie. It’s my mom. I can’t not go.”

“And I’m not saying you can’t go,” Eddie said. 

Shannon pursed her lips. “Eddie, I want us to move to LA so I can look after my mom. She has no one out there and a nurse is not the same thing. I need to be with her.”

It wasn’t that Eddie wasn’t sympathetic or that he didn’t care about Shannon’s mom. It was that he was being pragmatic. Uprooting Chris when all his needs were being met and when he was doing so well was out of the question. 

All the little things that had been going well suddenly crashed around them and as it turned out nothing was going well at all. Shannon felt like Eddie paid her no attention unless it was related to Christopher and she was mad that Eddie was so dismissive of her need to help her mother. Eddie thought she was being unfair and a little naive in thinking that moving Chris to another state would be easy. 

Shannon didn’t like it when Eddie pointed out how much his parents were still helping them with taking care of Chris and occasionally even financially and suddenly that became a fight about Eddie not having been around. It went on and on until the afternoon when Eddie had gone to the park with Chris and his sister, Isabella, and they got back to the apartment and it was quiet and slightly off. It took Eddie a little while to realize that it was because things here and there were missing. Shannon didn’t take everything — she didn’t even take all her clothes — but she took enough for Eddie to know that she wasn’t coming back any time soon. 

“That bitch,” Isabella muttered out of Chris’ hearing. 

Eddie said nothing. In that moment, it had felt like being back in Afghanistan on the cusp of something dangerous. His jaw tightened and he wanted nothing more than to scream. Isabella held his hand and he wanted so badly to just break down and let her take care of him and take care of everything but that just wasn’t who he was. It wasn’t who he was raised to be. 

Growing up as both the middle child and the sole boy, Eddie had known that keeping his feelings to himself made things easier. It made for less teasing from either of his sisters but it also made him the calm and collected one that could help either of them in a crisis. Very little ever bothered him — he just pushed it aside. He kept on moving. 

Chris noticed Shannon was gone before Eddie had even said anything and seeing his son’s heartbroken expression was enough to make Eddie push away his own emotions because all the anger and resentment and pain that he might be feeling was nothing to the way that Chris looked at him. 

“Mommy left,” he whispered.

“Yeah, kiddo. It’s just you and me for right now. And you know I love you, right?”

“I love you too, daddy,” Chris said. 

Christopher adapted quickly. Maybe because he knew what it was like to live with just one parent already or because it was just in his nature. Either way, it didn’t take long for him to just keep going. It helped that Eddie did nothing to disrupt his life as it had been before. One thing it did do was make him and Chris even closer than before because Eddie was the one he was relying on for everything. Granted, Christopher had always been very independent, insisting on doing things for himself even when Eddie or Shannon or anyone else in the family had wanted nothing more than to jump in and help him. 

Eddie talked to Shannon only once after she left. A short phone call during which she asked him to ship the rest of her things to her and where Eddie only just managed to hold in his temper and not yell at her. She didn’t try to convince him to join her and he didn’t ask her if she was coming back. The only time that Eddie came close to yelling at her was when she asked after Christopher. 

“He’s not fine. His mom left him,” he’d snapped at her and the phone call had ended very quickly after that. 

Between his mom, his two sisters, and even his dad, Eddie managed just fine with Christopher. It was his own emotions that kept getting the better of him. He just missed her like crazy — more than he’d ever missed her when he was gone in Afghanistan. Back then, he’d been doing something good and that had made it easier to miss his family and be away from them. It had always been Chris that he was desperate to get back to...even when he also kept himself away. 

Eddie tried to focus on other things. Mostly, Christopher. After Chris’ sixth birthday came and went without word from Shannon, Eddie finally felt the abandonment and the last dregs of hope that she might return disappeared. Shannon was really not coming back for either of them.

That night, he got drunk on his own in his kitchen after putting Chris in bed and for the first time he started to consider how much of what had happened wasn’t all on Shannon’s shoulders. After all, it was he that left them first. Maybe by doing that he’d created the crack in their relationship that kept breaking more and more until there was nothing that could salvage it. 

It was when she’d been gone a little over a year that Eddie cooled off a bit on his anger. Enough to see that maybe he’d been the one that broke them apart when he stubbornly refused to go with her to California. He still didn’t want to, but sometimes he wished that Chris could have his mom back in his life and that Eddie could have his wife back. 

“She’s been gone so long I’m surprised she didn’t send you divorce papers yet,” Isabella said one night. 

He, Isabella, and Stefanie were hanging out in his kitchen with a few glasses of wine. Stefanie — the youngest and the one with the cooking skills — had made them pozole and they were all warm and comfortable. The big pot of it cooling on his stove and their dirty dishes in the sink. 

“I thought it meant she would come back,” Eddie admitted. “Or that I should go after her.”

Both of his sisters eyed him. 

“What about Chris?” 

Eddie hadn’t voiced his thoughts about going after Shannon to anyone in his family until that moment. “He’ll go with me,” Eddie said.

He could tell they didn’t like the idea. It was a bit impulsive and maybe stupid too but Eddie didn’t care because despite how angry he still was, Eddie did love her and she was still Christopher’s mom. That had to count for something. 

“I think it’s time you move on,” Isabella said. 

“No se fue solo por su mama, Ed,” Stefanie said. “Before you came back...ella...no creo que estaba happy.”

[“She didn’t go just because of her mom, Ed,” Stefanie said. “Before you came back...she...I don’t think she was happy.”]

Eddie eyed his sisters. “What, you think she wanted to leave for another reason?”

Stefanie shrugged. Isabella gave him a smile. “Eddie, you weren’t here to see her struggling with Chris. We all love him, but she had it the hardest and I think she resented that you weren’t here all the time. She got a chance to bail and she took it.”

But so had he. He’d left them too. Maybe their family was comprised of people that ran away at the first sign of hardship. 

“So maybe it’s time you move on. Go on a few dates — see what’s out there.”

“I’m married,” Eddie pointed out.

“Separated,” Stefanie said pointedly. 

They had been hinting for months, trying to push him into going on at least the one date with any number of their single friends. Stefanie had even made him a profile on some dating app but dating was the last thing that Eddie needed. He didn’t say it, but they all knew he wasn’t over Shannon. Maybe they were trying to get him over her. Eddie could recall a time with both of his sisters had been more than a little wary of Shannon. 

Before Eddie decided to enlist in the Army, he was an EMT. He’d been in training to become one as far back as high school and so instead of going to college like his dad wanted, he’d just stuck to the EMT thing. It was a step below a paramedic which actually required a bit more training and some schooling, but Eddie loved it. It was one of his fellow EMTs that told him he would make a good Army medic once Eddie mentioned his interest in enlisting. 

“You’re just so steady, Eddie, I think you would do well under that type of pressure. You’re good, man, and you already have a lot of the skills you’d need for it.” 

The first time he met Shannon it was at a call. She’d been the one to call it and he and his partner, Roger, had answered. Eddie would never forget how beautiful Shannon looked that day with her long blue dress and her wavy hair. But, Eddie kept it professional. Her friend was the one in distress and between him and Roger them could see that her friend had broken her arm in at least two places.

“You should have asked for her number,” Roger muttered to him later. “You were eying her up good enough.”

“Kinda sleazy to do that on a call, don’t you think?”

“Last guy I went out with,” Roger said, “I met him on a call.”

Eddie shrugged. “Too late now, man.”

Then, he met Shannon again. Properly. He met Shannon for a second time at a party — she was friends with one of Isabella’s friends and Eddie spotted her right away and this time he knew he could let her get away. They had a lot in common — or at least enough to talk for a long while and Eddie could tell she was interested from how her hands touched his arm and her laugh. She had a gorgeous laugh and her blue eyes were so vibrant. Eddie was a sucker for blue eyes. 

At the end of the night, he had her phone number and the promise of a call to set up a date. He called her the very next day. Eddie was sure that he knew he wanted to marry her after just a couple of dates. Isabella thought he was crazy when he told her. 

When he brought Shannon over to meet his family, things were less than perfect. For one thing, he could tell that Shannon felt a little uncomfortable with how much Spanish was thrown about perhaps because his sisters were overdoing it a bit. His mom liked her, he could tell, and his dad didn’t seem to care one way or the other but they were both friendly and welcoming. 

Stefanie had been the one asking the hard questions. Asking Shannon about her family and about her job and why she was even in Texas in the first place if she wasn’t from there. Isabella didn’t make it any easier. 

Worse, Shannon didn’t take too well to the food. Eddie hadn’t been able to tell because he was so used to it, but it was a little too spicy for someone not used to having hot sauce in everything. 

“Claro, porque no es de aqui,” Stefanie muttered to him and he could only glare at her. 

[“No wonder, it’s because she’s not from here”]

Shannon was a trooper though. “It’s very good,” she said. “I’m just a bit sensitive when it comes to food.”

“Oh,” his mom said. “I was the same way at first but I’ve always liked a little kick. Now, I can’t even tell when something’s a bit too hot.”

Eddie tried not to glare at his sisters. He knew they were the ones that cooked that night. Shannon just laughed it off later when they left. Eddie figured that as much as he loved his family and wanted their opinion, it was his choice who he should be with and Shannon was who he wanted. 

Eddie did tell her about wanting to go to the Army and Eddie’s intentions to enlist didn’t go away just because he was falling in love, but Shannon wanted the commitment of marriage before he went through with it. It was her encouragement and the way that she accepted and loved who he was at his core that made it easier to leave her for bootcamp training and medic training. It was hard to be in love and recently wed and to be separated but Eddie had faith in them. When Shannon told him she was pregnant, Eddie almost quit it all. She didn’t let him but maybe she should have. The one thing he was glad for was his parents and sisters stepping up to help Shannon while he was gone. 

“I’m going to go after her,” Eddie insisted to his sisters a few days after the night at his house. He’d had time to think it over and it made sense. 

It was months and months later that going to California seemed like a more viable choice. Part of it was Shannon, but another part was that finding work would be easier in California. He hadn’t been exactly struggling in Texas, but Eddie felt restless. Starting over somewhere else felt better. 

It took planning. His sisters and his parents hated the idea. Eddie was surprised when they did let him go. It was his Abuela that reassured them that he’d be fine. She was in LA, after all. Her and his Tia Pepa. It was their turn to look after him. 

“Dejalo ir,” Isabella said a week before he was set to leave. “Se quiere ir. If it — quando le rompe el corazón again estamos aquí.”

[“Let him go,” Isabella said a week before he was set to leave. “He wants to go. If it — when she breaks his heart again we’ll be here for him.”]

“Gracias, Iz. You’re the best,” Eddie said.

“I’m not wrong, you know. She’s going to break your heart,” Isabella said. 

“Or maybe, she won’t,” his mom said. 

Eddie didn’t know who he believed more. 

“Well, I never liked her,” Stefanie said. 

Stefanie had never been shy about expressing that even before Eddie and Shannon got married. 

“Era muy...stuck up,” Stefanie said. “Not to mention that no mom leaves their kid just like that.” 

[“She was…”]

Listening to his sisters talk about Shannon made him more and more wary about bringing her back into Christopher’s life. If she even wanted to be back in his life but there was another reason for leaving Texas. He relied too much on his family. Not just with Christopher but in general. He couldn’t keep doing that forever and he needed a new start even if it didn’t include Shannon. 

Eddie even had an idea of where to begin getting his new start. The idea had come from his abuela. 

“A todos le gustan los bomberos, Edmundo. Es una buena profesión y como tu ya sabes esas cosas te va ir bien,” she’d said over the phone. 

[“Everyone likes firemen, Edmundo. It’s a good job and since you already know a lot, you’ll do well.”]

It was a good idea and one that he would follow through with. Being a firefighter was probably the closest thing to being an Army medic. It was one of the things he was excited for in the move. He could have done it in Texas, sure, but he wanted to at least try to get his family back together before he gave up the notion entirely. 

Christopher was excited for the adventure of going somewhere new even if the idea had come as a shock to him and it was enough to get rid of any of his nerves when moving day finally arrived and all of their things were packed up. Between his abuela and his tia, he already had an affordable place in LA. 

Even though he’d moved close enough to where Shannon was, Eddie didn’t go find her. He didn’t even look her up even though he knew where her mom lived and so where she was likely living. Instead, he and Chris unpacked and then Eddie went to speak to someone about joining the fire academy and doing all the testing to get into training. He found a nearby school for Chris and tried to wrap his mind around all the million different things he might need to fill out for assistance with his son. There was just so much more than he’d initially expected and so for a while he just ignored it. He took Chris to the beach instead, to his son’s delight and they hung out with his abuela and his tia. 

His abuela and tia were instrumental to him the first few weeks especially once he started at the fire academy. Eddie was so busy that he pushed aside any thought of finding Shannon. One afternoon he did drive by her mom’s place and he hung around outside but didn’t go up to the door. Even though he’d said he wanted to, suddenly seeing her was the last thing he wanted. It was just that Christopher was happy. 

Not that he hadn’t been happy in Texas, but California seemed to give him new energy. Maybe it was the excitement of being somewhere new or how much enjoyment he was getting out of his firefighter training, but Eddie didn’t want to ruin it by bringing Shannon back into his life when he didn’t know if she would even want to be back in Chris’ life, let alone Eddie’s. So, he put it off.

Isabella laughed at him when he told her he still hadn’t gone to see her but she also didn’t press him to do it. His abuela was just happy to have him around and she always wanted Christopher around too. Eddie felt a bit guilty for how often he left his son with his abuela no matter how often she offered. She was just older and not up to how high energy Chris could get sometimes. 

It was insane to him a few months later to graduate from the fire academy first in his class and to have a few different Captains trying to persuade him to join their station. Eddie felt like he’d felt when he first finished his Army training, except maybe even better. California, as it turned out, was good for him. 

In the end, Captain Bobby Nash won him over due to his calm demeanor and he joined Fire Department Station 118. 

His first day began like any other day. He arrived early, ready to meet his fellow firefighters, and excited to be doing something good again. He’d been quick to introduce himself to anyone that he crossed paths with on the way to the locker room and then he started changing. Curious eyes had been following him since he arrived, but it was as he had finished putting on a shirt that he spotted Captain Nash leading two others over to meet him. 

Hen and Chimney seemed friendly enough and Eddie already liked Bobby. In fact, most of the firefighters seemed friendly and welcoming. Then, there was Buck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back on Buck in the next chapter and I have a bit of editing to do but I hope to have it up soon. In the meanwhile, let me know what you thought about this chapter. 
> 
> One final note: Pozole is a Mexican soup. It can be spicy or mild and it is made with pork and homini and it is absolutely delicious. 
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/189195391697/next-to-me-26).


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re back with Buck in this one. I really loved getting to explore his character within the confines of canon events. 
> 
> And on another note, this will be more than 6 chapters. And I’m not even going to try to guess if it will be 8 or 10. :)

Buck’s first impression of Eddie Diaz went right along side Hen’s and Chim’s. The man was hot. Eddie had killer abs, soft perfect hair, plump kissable lips, and deep dark eyes. He was getting a shirt on the first time he saw him and having both Chimney and Hen show appreciation for his body left Buck feeling a bit put out. It made it easier to hide his own appreciation for the man that Chimney had dubbed beautiful. He really really was. If Buck had met him anywhere else, he would have been flirting and having a go at him. Instead, all the walls that had come down around the team went up and with them came insecurities. 

“Who is that?” Buck demanded. 

Cap seemed amused as he answered and although Cap had said nothing about Eddie’s attractiveness from him it was the admiration and interest in Eddie that concerned Buck. Buck lingered behind as Chim and Hen went over to meet the new recruit. 

Buck didn’t get to interact with him until they were on their way to a call and nothing about Eddie from how easy going he seemed to his Silver Star was allowed to impress him. The thing about Eddie was that he didn’t exactly react to Buck’s dislike or maybe didn’t even realize that was what it was. Instead he humored Buck, answering questions and talking to the others with a calm and relaxed demeanor that no one should have on their first call. He was so good natured and it made Buck hate him even more because he couldn’t even entertain Buck’s animosity. Instead, he was nice. 

“Jealous doesn’t look good on you, Buck,” Hen said in passing before she got into the ambulance to transfer the guy that Eddie had just saved. 

“I’m not jealous.”

“Sure.” She gave him a pointed look. 

Hearing everyone praising Eddie — everyone including Bobby — made him bristle. It was nothing like how it’d been when he first started. Everyone just seemed to trust him already and Buck had to reluctantly agree that Eddie Diaz did know what he was doing. But that shouldn’t have meant that he was just a part of their family and yet Eddie seemed to have been invited right in no questions asked.

More than that, it was that Eddie felt like his replacement. Not just a replacement, a better model. One that the whole the team was just so open to. Bobby had gone out of his way to make sure that Eddie would come to their station and it was clear that Hen was impressed by Eddie and it wasn’t just his looks. Chimney seemed taken by him too. And Buck felt — well, he felt alone again. Sort of. Maybe he was projecting all that stuff with Abby. Insecurities propping up where they shouldn’t have. 

But Abby was coming back, it was just a matter of time no matter what Maddie had to say about her “Eat, Pray, Love” thing. Buck had been pleasantly surprised when he got to Abby’s apartment and found Maddie there. He was less thrilled when she told him she wasn’t staying long especially when he thought about how long it had been since they’d actually spoken. 

Suddenly the steady life he’d had was shaken up a bit more and when he saw Eddie again, Buck felt annoyance bubble up inside him. Eddie was sweaty in a dark tank, showing off his muscular arms as he worked out and Buck hated that for the first time in a long time, his first impulse was to openly flirt. To push that down, he tried to ignore him but his annoyance was so obvious that even Chim didn’t seem to know how to take it. 

Then, Eddie seemed to decide that the animosity was because he was going through something — having a hard time. That something, according to Eddie was a break up. It felt almost like being slapped but not because of Eddie. It was because Eddie had clearly been talking about him with someone else on the crew. When Buck looked at Chim, he knew he might have been the gossip. It grated on him. 

And Eddie just kept going. “I’m just saying, I hear you’re a good guy and I’m sorry you’re going through pain but there’s no need to take it out on me or — or be threatened by me.”

He looked earnest when he said it, like he really meant to extend some sort of hand of friendship but Buck hated it — he hated that Eddie was that perfect that he was trying to explain away Buck’s behavior and trying to get him to move past it. 

“We’re on the same team,” Eddie added.

“Why would I be threatened by you?” Buck asked. There were so many reasons. 

Eddie was sort of smiling. Why were his teeth so perfect? “Exactly,” he said. “There’s no need to be. We do the same thing. I’ve just done it while people are shooting at me, is all.”

Then he turned and Buck felt his last words like a sting and everything else that came before it faded away because it was suddenly obvious that Eddie was confident in his skills and he didn’t have that fear or nervous energy that usually followed one of the probationary firefighters. 

It made him feel foolish later after they had had to stop the ambulance because of the granade and Buck had been quick to volunteer to help Eddie take it out. Bobby had looked like he wanted nothing more than to tell Buck no, but Buck was adamant. He didn’t know quite why, but he couldn’t let Eddie go into the ambulance on his own and he couldn’t let him save the day on his own again either.

Maybe it was that weird thing about trust or life and death situations, but by the end of it, it felt like the only end result was that they had to be friends. He could see Eddie for what and who he was. He wasn’t just his looks and he wasn’t pushing in — he was trying to find a place among them and Buck had to let him. He had to admit that Eddie was impressive. He was a good guy and Buck had to get out of his head and allow him in. Watching Eddie grin at him — the whole having each other’s back thing, it warmed him up in a way that little had since Abby left. 

Buck didn’t even let himself feel embarrassed by how flustered he was when their eyes met or how his mind couldn’t stop repeating in his head that it had been hot — extremely hot to see Eddie in the rig concentrating hard on the task of taking the grenade out but also keeping calm and explaining it to Buck as he did it. As if it had been any other situation and if Buck had been back to his old ways maybe he would have tried to jump Eddie’s bones but as it was he had a girlfriend and he wasn’t that guy anymore. Not to mention, Eddie was definitely straight. 

Buck had never had a friend like Eddie before. Someone that burrowed under his skin and wrapped around him and became a part of him — like an extra limb, someone he couldn’t do without. It was almost as if Eddie had been meant to be a part of the team — that there had been a hole and he fit it perfectly. The team felt complete with him. Buck felt complete with him. 

It happened quick. After getting his head out of his ass and deciding to befriend Eddie, Buck fell head first into the friendship and Eddie was right there with him making Buck wonder if like him, Eddie had been lonely and friendless and so clung to first person to fit the bill. 

In the span of the rest of the shift working together, Buck knew that he had never worked as seamlessly with anyone else. Buck shouldn’t have doubted that they would work well together. Chimney shook his head at him upon noticing and Hen just pat him on the back and if Cap seemed surprised, he didn’t show it. 

When he went home from his shift, he felt just a little bit lighter. That is, until he was talking to Maddie and she told him everything about why she’d left Doug and why she was so eager to leave LA. And Buck felt like every time he’d felt off about a lack of response from Maddie he should have worried enough to go check on her and the last thing he wanted now was for her to go off somewhere else without him there to help her. 

She didn’t want a job as a nurse, but Buck had the perfect place for her and after a few calls, Maddie had a new job and she was sticking around. 

Then, there was an earthquake.

In his time in California, Buck had been in a few earthquakes — they were just a part of living on the San Andreas Fault. The first one he felt had almost made him reconsider living there, but nothing had been as bad as this one. Being at the firehouse and watching as things were thrown about, the glass shattering and the air tanks leaking out had made him realize how even there in the firehouse they weren’t safe in the middle of something like an earthquake. When it was over, clean up at the firehouse was the last thing on anyone’s mind because they were first responders and this was a time when they would be needed. They got their gear on as quick as possible in the debris, and then Buck was in the truck sitting across from Eddie who didn’t look like his usual self. Something was wrong and Buck didn’t think it was the earthquake. 

“Is everything okay?” Buck asked.

Eddie looked away from his phone. “Yes. No service. Texts won’t even get through.”

People were probably flooding the lines and who knew how many cell towers were down. Eddie looked irritated...worried. 

“Who are you trying to get a hold of?”

Eddie seemed to hesitate for just a split second before he said, “my son. I’m trying to reach my son.”

That, Buck hadn’t been expecting. He was a mix of excited and disappointed. Buck just couldn’t explain why he felt weird knowing that Eddie had a kid. Maybe it had just been unexpected or maybe it was that it solidified that Eddie was straight and Buck hadn’t known that knowing that would be so disappointing. After all, he was still with Abby even if she wasn’t around at all and the few times they managed to talk were cut short. 

“You got a kid!” Buck exclaimed. 

Eddie looked at him a little amused. “Chistopher,” he said. “He’s seven.”

Eddie showed him a picture of him on his phone. 

“And super adorable,” Buck said. “I, um, I love kids.”

Eddie smiled a little. “I love that one,” he said fiercely. “I’m all he’s got. His mother is not in the picture.”

Relief filled him and Buck felt immediately guilty in part because of Abby but also because Eddie being a single parent still did nothing for his chances with him. He tried to assure Eddie that his son was probably okay and Eddie seemed to be hoping the same as they finally arrived at the hotel and they had to shove all of their own personal worries aside to focus on the job. 

Later, after they got back to the station — and the whole thing was a bigger mess than what they’d left behind — Buck had seen how eager Eddie was to leave. He was the first out the door even while the rest of them lingered to get their things together. 

Hen left with the dog, pressing a hand to Buck’s shoulder when she passed and Buck was so glad that she was there. They had come so close to losing her. 

Buck walked out with Bobby. 

“Check on your sister?” Bobby asked.

“Yeah,” Buck said. “What about Athena?”

“She texted. She’s fine — made it back home...but I—”

“You need to see her,” Buck said.

Buck hadn’t expected to find Eddie’s car outside still and neither had Bobby, they both walked towards it instead of their own cars. It was Bobby that knocked on the window, startling Eddie who jumped at seeing them and then rolled down the window.

“I thought you’d be long gone,” Buck said.

“Car won’t start. I’m — he’s okay. I called the school and he’s okay but I can’t—”

“Come on,” Bobby said at once. “I’ll give you a ride.”

Buck shook his head. “Nah. Bobby, go see Athena. I’ll give him a ride. I don’t have anywhere to be. You do.”

“Are you—”

“I’m sure. Go.”

Bobby nodded and smiled and he headed towards his own car.

“I would steal the ladder truck again if it meant I could get you to your son,” Buck told Eddie before Eddie could protest. “Now come on, my car’s over there.”

Eddie bumped shoulders with him as they walked and Buck smiled at him fondly. 

The first time he saw Christopher was through the glass double doors that looked into Christopher’s school. It wasn’t the best view, especially once Eddie had wrapped himself around his son, but even from the small glimpse, he’d been able to see that Christopher really was adorable. Then, they were headed towards the doors and Eddie was still holding Christopher up, forearm crutches and all. 

Buck felt oddly nervous as they got nearer, but he got out of the car and rounded it to open the door.

“Thanks,” Eddie muttered. “Chris, this is a friend from work.”

Chris’ face was hidden in Eddie’s neck, but he turned and glanced at Buck. 

“Hi,” Buck said.

“Hi,” Chris said back. 

“Alright, well, settle him in and then I’ll drop you two off at home. It’s been a long day.”

“You can say that again,” Eddie said and Buck noted that Eddie had decided to get into the back with his son. 

The thing about Jeeps was that they were the kind of car that could go literally anywhere and maybe because of that or just how they were built, they were also the kind of cars that took bumps and uneven roads with more jostle than a regular car would. With the earthquake and all, there were plenty of debris still left over and then all kinds of cracks and bumps on the roads. He was sure that Eddie hadn’t noticed any of it on their way to the school, but he would on their way away from it. He tried to be careful, following the directions Eddie was giving him to get to his house but occasionally the car shook and jolted up but Buck’s fears that it might bother Christopher were unwarranted. 

“Thanks again, Buck,” Eddie said after he’d pulled into Eddie’s driveway. 

“No problem.”

He got out of the car to help Eddie, but Christopher didn’t seem to need or want to be carried and after Eddie helped him get out of the car, he stood with his crutches waiting for his dad. 

“Well, it was nice to meet you, Christopher,” Buck said, crouching in front of him. 

Christopher looked to his dad and then back at Buck. “Thank you,” he said.

Christopher’s voice was soft and waspy. There was a happy curl of hair that fell just so on his forehead and his glasses were strapped on. He looked at Buck with curiosity and then back at his father. 

“Anyway, I think we’ve all had a long day so I’ll get out of your hair. See you around, Christopher.” He smiled at the boy and then at Eddie and made to walk back to his car, but Eddie’s hand on his arm stopped him.

“Thank you, Buck. Really.” Then, Eddie pulled him into a quick hug and Buck tried not to enjoy it too much except that Eddie just smelled divine and he was so lean and strong and Buck hadn’t had sex in a long time. 

When he pulled back, he smiled at Eddie again and finally made it to his car, but before he got in, he turned back. 

“Oh, let me know if you need a ride to work tomorrow,” he called back.

Eddie was shaking his head and smiling even as Buck pulled out of the driveway and headed home. 

The next few weeks fell into normalcy. Maddie settled into her job and Buck was happy to have her around even if she was ever so eager to leave him and get her own place. He got to know Christopher a little better on a day when Eddie had no choice but to bring him along to the station. Christopher was all kinds of wonderful. Buck loved him and so it appeared, did everyone else. When Eddie filled him in on all the trouble he’d been having with getting Christopher the help he needed since their move, it didn’t take long for him to figure out who might be the best person to help him. Carla. 

Maddie thought she was being funny by calling his admiration for Eddie a crush and Buck didn’t let her know how on the nose she actually was. 

He did have a crush. Seeing Eddie with his son only intensified it because Eddie was just so wonderful. Eddie’s aunt was not wrong in calling him a saint. Buck had no hope that his crush would actually go anywhere, but at least it meant that he wasn’t obsessing over Abby as much. Eddie didn’t seem keen to date either, using the fact that he was a father as a way to rebuff the girls that had been so clearly interested in him during a call. Buck was glad for it selfishly and yet he knew that one day Eddie would meet someone and that Buck would have to be happy for him when it did happen. 

Maddie was the one that kept pushing the Abby issue even when Hen and Chimney had given up. Bobby didn’t seem to want to push Buck in any direction, but Buck could tell that he agreed with the others — he was just giving Buck the time to make a decision on his own. It was Eddie that gave him a new perspective. 

They were out on a call, a three car pileup at an intersection. None of the drivers seemed to be in any distress but they were checking them all out to be sure. 

“Look, Buck, you can keep waiting for her to get back...whenever that may be. That’s up to you. But if you feel like you can’t, then she can’t blame you for it. She’s the one that left.”

“Yeah,” Buck said, not looking at Eddie. “But her mom died and—”

“And she said it would be a few months,” Eddie said with a shrug and then he looked at the guy they were checking over. “We can have someone check you over at the hospital if you want, but I think you’ll be fine. Just a bit of bruising.”

“Thanks. And, hey, if your girlfriend left you like that...you might want to walk away,” the guy said. 

Eddie just chuckled even if there was a serious look in his eyes. “But where is this coming from, do you want to start dating again?”

Chim laughed and clapped Buck’s shoulder. “Buck never dated before Abby...unless you consider ten to fifteen minute intervals dates.” He cackled as he walked past and Buck tried his best to not flush even as Eddie looked back at him. 

“I’m not that guy anymore,” Buck said and he hurried to help put equipment away. 

The next time that Buck felt at all interested in someone was when they were called out to deal with a crashed helicopter and Taylor Kelly was there. He recognized her voice at once but he also had eyes. 

He didn’t like how the others, Eddie in particular, looked at him when he jokingly flirted with her. Buck didn’t intend to ever see her again except that she showed up at the station with a camera crew intent on making a story out of them. Bobby seemed none too pleased about it. Later, Buck could admit that the whole thing was a mess especially with the whole mess with the laced brownies. 

“Now the question is,” Chim said, “how long will it take Buck to sleep with her.”

Buck knew it hadn’t been for his ears, and he had no idea who Chimney was talking to but he stopped halfway up the stairs.

“I don’t think Buck is like that,” Eddie said.

Hen laughed. “You don’t know Buck. It’s a matter of time.”

“The good thing is, he might finally be over Abby. She did a number on him...even if he won’t admit it,” Chim said.

“He just whines about it to Bobby all the time,” Hen said. “Maybe that reporter will be good for him.”

Buck leaned against the railing and he waited but the subject changed and so he continued up the stairs. The thing about it that stung quite a bit was knowing that he had gone to look for her, convinced that she had left out the stuff about Bobby and the brownies because of him. But, she didn’t. Maybe if she had, or if she had just gone along with what Buck thought to be true, he might have gone and slept with her. 

“Hey, guys,” Buck said. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Anything up with you?” Chimney asked.

Buck shrugged his shoulders and then he dropped into the empty seat next to Eddie just as a call rang out. 

Over the next few days, Buck took stock of his life...and for the first time in a while, he felt like he was wasting it just hanging out in an apartment that wasn’t his waiting for a woman that — if he were truthful with himself — he probably had never had a real future with. Abby was fantastic and all, but their entire time dating, Abby had been distracted by caring for her mother. It still stung a little to think about the hot air balloon date that he’d spent time and money on and that Abby had bailed on when her mother needed her. It wasn’t about placing blame on her priorities — but maybe it was about realizing that Buck had never been a priority to her. 

Maddie was completely on board and she didn’t fail to try and get him to see the light. Buck thought it was a bit funny, but then she was right and it was high time that he move out of Abby’s apartment and keep on living. She said something to him about hope and how he might be lying to himself and he hated admitting how right she was. 

Talking to Carla about it sealed it for him. Abby wasn’t coming back any time soon and Buck had a choice to make. He could sit around waiting to see if she ever would, or he could let her go. If she ever did return then he would deal with it, but he couldn’t put a pause on his life for her anymore. It was too hard and painful. 

After a shift a few days after Halloween he went back to Abby’s apartment and packed up his things. He’d long ago given up the room he was renting and so when Chim offered to put him up for a little while, Buck jumped at the chance. 

The first time that Buck came upon what he wanted out of life was on a call, where one man had been crushed by his own car into a fence and his husband’s very grief led him to dying right at his side. Their love — the pictures splayed out on the asphalt out of a book that gave insight into all of it...Buck wanted it. He wanted that kind of love. The devotion and the steadfastness that meant that one couldn’t live without the other and not just metaphorically but emotionally and physically. 

Afterwards, sitting in the truck on the way back, Eddie touched his shoulder leaving a trace of warmth and when Buck looked at him he couldn’t help but hope and wish and want. But it wasn’t going to happen. Not with Abby and not with Eddie. Buck needed to move forward and find someone that he could fall in love with and that he could form a life with. He was ready for that. 

Being single again meant that Buck could suddenly put himself out there again. Chimney seemed to find it hilarious that he was struggling with the idea. It was just that Buck didn’t want to go back to how things had been before Abby when he was far more interested in getting off quickly with anyone that seemed as interested as he was. Bobby had told him once that he needed to be more respectful of women and not use them just because he could. It was sound advice. 

Of course, when he ran into Taylor at the bar, Buck should have known it was a bad idea to talk to her. But for all that she was kind of awful, she was also hot and there and Buck hadn’t slept with anyone in a long time. He was so guilty about it even days later, that he went and found her to apologize only for her to laugh at him. He came close to sleeping with her again and he mostly felt gross about it afterwards especially since the only reason he didn’t was that she had a fire to cover and that was more important to her. 

Hen compared her to what he used to be like and Buck had to agree with her. Taylor Kelly was the last person he needed in his life. On the other hand when Ali, the woman he and Eddie had saved from that high rise reached out to him, Buck figured he’d give her a chance. 

The only thing in his life that kept going well was work. He and Eddie nearly always worked together and they had gotten into a rhythm together that meant they barely had to speak without the other knowing exactly what they wanted or needed. 

Eddie talked about Christopher a lot and Buck loved it. He loved hearing about the little boy that he got to see from time to time. Ever since Carla had been introduced into his life, it was obvious that Eddie was doing better. There was a lot still that Buck didn’t know about Eddie’s situation and why Chris’ mom wasn’t in the picture, but Buck didn’t want to pry. It was just like Buck didn’t talk much about his parents and so he left it alone. Some things were just meant to be kept private. 

For a while there, though, he could tell that Eddie was going through something. It wasn’t a big change, but he was a little distracted. Hen seemed to notice it too but since Eddie was doing his job well they left it alone. Buck just kept admiring him from afar. Getting to know Eddie better had in no way diminished that Buck found him devastatingly handsome. It may have made him more attractive, in fact. Buck had to remind himself often that Eddie was not an option. Not only was he his best friend, but he had a child, was still married, and was very much straight. 

None of that kept Buck from fantasizing. But, he had Ali and things seemed to be going well with them. They’d gone of a couple more dates but Buck had to admit that he didn’t feel too strongly for her. She was nice to be around and they got along well but the spark that had been present when he was with Abby wasn’t there. It was easier to keep dating her and keep hanging out with her because then he could try and think about Eddie less. And at least she wasn’t Taylor so that was a plus. 

It wasn’t until one of the days of the Christmas Toy Drive that everyone at the station were in for a shock when Eddie’s estranged wife showed up to accuse Eddie of not talking to her because all they seemed to do was sleep with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone reading. Let me know what you think!
> 
> We're back with Eddie in the next chapter. I'll have it up in a few days. 
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/189259788872/next-to-me-36).


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Eddie chapter and we’re moving right along through canon. Enjoy.

Evan Buckley who liked to be called Buck was someone unexpected. Eddie didn’t want to like him, he wanted to hate him on the principle that Buck seemed to insist on hating him. But Eddie wasn’t petty like that and so after his initial interaction with Buck and how his first call went, Eddie decided to ask the others about him. Everyone told him that Buck was a nice guy. 

After all, Buck seemed to get along with everyone else just fine. 

“Buck...he’s going through something right now,” Hen said. “I wouldn’t take any of it personally, Eddie.” 

“What do you mean?” Eddie asked. 

He was helping them clean out the ambulance, getting it restocked and ready for the next call. Chimney had been showing him where everything was kept and how they did inventory. It was a similar process to what he’d done when he was an EMT with some slight variations. 

“His girlfriend broke up with him,” Chimney said. “He’s sort of having a hard time.”

“That could explain it,” Eddie said.

“Yeah,” Chimney said. “She just kinda took off on him so he’s not handling it all that well.”

Eddie could suddenly relate with Buck. 

“And he’s obsessing over that firefighter calendar thing,” Hen added.

“That’s actually a thing,” Eddie said with some surprise.

Hen and Chimney both nodded and Hen reached over and nudged him. “You can still submit your pictures.”

“In fact you should,” Chimney said. 

Eddie shook his head. “I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes. I’m the new guy.”

“Hardly,” Hen said. “I can tell you’ve been around this type of work before. Everyone can see that and we can all see why Cap wanted you on the team. But anyway, Buck’s a good guy. He’s like a puppy dog and he’ll warm up to you soon.”

“I guess I’ll take your word for it,” Eddie said. 

Eddie sort of watched him from afar after that. Buck was good at his job and he was warm and friendly with everyone at the 118 that wasn’t him. Even after just one twenty four hour shift, Eddie could tell that Buck was closest to the Captain. He also didn’t seem to be going through a break up unless he was good at hiding those emotions. Mostly, he just seemed annoyed whenever he saw Eddie even when Eddie was trying to be friendly and helpful.

It came to a head when Buck seemed to be trying to show him up while he lifted weights. Eddie didn’t really want to deal with it and so he ignored it and let Buck do whatever he wanted to do until feeling Buck glaring at him was getting tiring. 

Eddie knew he messed up when he mentioned the break up because apparently Buck was also in some sort of denial about it. That, or Chim and Hen had given him the wrong information. Eddie tried to explain himself and let Buck know that he wasn’t just some new guy off the street but maybe he pushed too much and Buck was just glaring at him some more. 

The funny thing about it was that while Buck had been quick to form a grudge against him, he was also quick to become his friend. It was as if all was forgotten and it didn’t matter. Buck decided that they could have each others backs and then after that, Eddie could see clearly what everyone had been talking about.

Buck was a good guy. The best guy. Not just that but they somehow made a good team. 

Once they were officially friends, Buck had a way of just talking and talking and talking and when the earthquake happened, he was the one trying to reassure Eddie that his son was okay and that he was safe at a school but nothing he said could make Eddie stop worrying. Buck wasn’t a parent, he wouldn’t understand that worrying was a 24/7 thing and that it never stopped and only intensified. 

At the end of the day, holding Christopher in his arms while his boy giggled and clung to him and acted just a little shy when meeting Buck for the first time, Eddie finally let out a breath of relief. 

That night maybe he held Chris a little bit tighter and when Stefanie called him, he held back his feelings and told her everything was fine. 

“Se preocupan mucho,” Eddie said. “Honest, it wasn’t that bad and Chris is fine. We’re both fine.”

[“You guys worry too much”]

“Okay and what about…” she trailed off. 

Eddie sighed. “I haven’t called her yet. I don’t think I want to.” And he really didn’t. He didn’t even want to talk about it. It was just that he’d been out on that call and the last thing he’d thought about was Shannon. Granted, Chris had to be his main concern, but it hadn’t even occurred to him to worry about Shannon. 

His abuela and tia sure. He’d called them when he got back to the station and they were both fine if a bit worried about him and Chris. 

“Oh, Eddie. Why did you go, then?”

Eddie leaned against the doorframe to his kitchen. “I needed to get out of there, Stefie. I needed to have a fresh start and maybe I wanted to see if she would come back into our lives but now I’m here and it’s not easy or anything but I can do this on my own.”

“How is that going?” Stefanie asked. “Abuela said you were having a hard time.” 

“Yeah, well, finding the right ways to help him haven’t always been easy,” Eddie said with a sigh. “I’ll figure it out.”

“I know you will. You always do, Eddie. Anyway, call mom and dad.”

“I will.”

Over the next few days working with the 118, Eddie really came to trust and care for the other firefighters but none more so than Buck who got around to filling him in on what had happened with his girlfriend and just a few breaths later asked after Christopher and not in a polite way, but because he actually cared. It became even more apparent when he had to bring Christopher into the firehouse and Buck had gone through the trouble of reaching out to Bobby to make sure that Eddie didn’t get into trouble. 

When the first call came and they were rushing to get their gear on, Eddie managed to grab Buck’s arm as Buck walked past him to the truck. Christopher was distracted by Chimney who was putting a headset on him. 

“Hey, I just...thank you.”

“No problem,” Buck said. “He’s a great kid.”

Then, later that night Buck introduced him to Carla and everything he’d been struggling with when it came to Christopher got that much easier. When he met Buck, this was the last thing he’d expected. He was a better friend and a better person than any that Eddie had ever known before.

Back in Texas, Eddie had had a friends but after he joined the Army he really didn’t keep track of them and anytime that he was back from deployment his family was the priority. Christopher was more important than meeting up with any of them when he had limited time and even on the rare occasion when he’d been up for going out for drinks, his attention had been split and he’d been able to tell that most of them were annoyed with how often he either wanted to talk about his son or how he called or texted whoever was watching him. Buck actually wanted to talk about Christopher and he was willing to get Eddie help. 

After Carla left with the promise to call him the next day and Eddie had hugged her because she was just so wonderful, he turned to Buck and threw his arms around him and Buck just hugged him right back. 

“So,” Eddie said when he pulled back, “this is the invisible girlfriend’s place.” 

“She does exist and she’s coming back.”

Eddie nodded along and he was reminded of how often he’d told himself that Shannon would return in due time. He’d never voiced it to his family and she also never returned. Looking at Buck, Eddie felt like he needed to help him. So when Buck was talking to him about how odd he felt living in Abby’s apartment a few weeks later, Eddie figured he would give him some advice. 

“Look, Buck, you can keep waiting for her to get back...whenever that may be. That’s up to you. But if you feel like you can’t, then she can’t blame you for it. She’s the one that left.”

“Yeah,” Buck said, and he seemed to be avoiding Eddie’s gaze. “But her mom died and—”

“And she said it would be a few months,” Eddie said with a shrug.

The guy they were checking over looked between them. “Hey, if your girlfriend left you like that...you might want to walk away,” the guy said to Buck. 

Eddie just chuckled and then looked to Buck again. “But where is this coming from, do you want to start dating again?”

Chim laughed and clapped Buck’s shoulder. “Buck never dated before Abby...unless you consider ten to fifteen minute intervals dates.” He cackled as he walked past and Buck tried his best to not flush even as Eddie looked back at him. 

“I’m not that guy anymore,” Buck said and Eddie thought that he was saying it mostly for Eddie’s benefit and from the stories he’d heard, he figured that Buck was right. 

Eddie had settled himself into his life as a firefighter and with Carla’s help he’d gotten more assistance than he could have expected for Christopher. There were all kinds of programs and in addition to that a school that looked promising and better than the one his abuela and tia had found for him. The only problem came when they mentioned they needed to meet Mrs. Diaz. Eddie didn’t want to call her. He didn’t want to see her. Worse, Carla didn’t seem to think that any of it was an issue at all. 

When he told abuela about it later while helping her around her house, she made him sit while she brought him a glass of horchata. 

“Edmundo, es para Christopher. Tienes que llamarle. A mi nunca me gusto esa gringa pero you were so in love. Y tienen un hijo juntos,”

[“Edmundo, it’s for Christopher. You have to call her. I never liked that white girl but you were so in love. You have son together.”]

“I know. Abuela, it’s just—”

“Ella te dejo. I know, Ed.”

[“She left you. I know, Ed.”]

In the end, he called her and a part of Eddie hoped that she wouldn’t pick up and that he would have a reason to give to Carla and his family for why he hadn’t gotten in touch, but then she did answer and Eddie had no choice but to talk to her and tell her that he and Christopher were in California and that he needed her to help him get Christopher into a school. 

Her shock was palpable even over the phone but at least she didn’t yell. Instead, she was snappish and short and when he invited her over to talk about it he almost expected her to refuse. He wanted her to refuse. Eddie planned for Christopher to not be over when she stopped by and as he expected, it all ended in a fight. 

Shannon looked just like she did before she left Texas, maybe even a little better but there was pain and hurt in her voice and Eddie hated that he’d had to call her and that as she stood in Christopher’s room there was longing in her eyes. Selfishly, Eddie didn’t want her there. When she asked after their son, he answered and he told her about the school and Shannon seemed to want to question his choice. The only thing she didn’t demand an answer to was why he’d moved in the first place. He wouldn’t tell her it had been for her. 

Eddie didn’t mean for it to happen, but a few days later when the school called to tell him that Mrs. Diaz was stopping by, he showed up to see her and he couldn’t help but admit that everything she said made sense and that maybe he hadn’t been a very good husband. Kissing her was familiar, it was like picking up a bike after falling off of it and continuing on and Eddie just fell right into it remembering for once that he hadn’t been intimate with anyone since the last time with Shannon. Falling into bed with her was easier than he’d expected but the worst part about it was the guilt that followed. 

Guilt for not actually talking anything through with her. Guilt for feeling that as good as the sex was that it wasn’t enough and that it wasn’t like what it had been once. There was also guilt about not letting her see Christopher, but all in all he felt like he was making the right choice when it came to that aspect. Mostly, though, he was ashamed of how he felt around Shannon. Sometimes, there was the nostalgia and remembering all the amazing times they’d had together before and after Christopher but then he would remember that she had also left him and Christopher just when it seemed that things were finally getting better. Eddie was so ashamed that he didn’t tell anyone about it. Instead, he and Hen and Chim spent some time teasing Buck about his new girlfriend.

“Not really my girlfriend, guys,” Buck said during some downtime at the station. 

“You’ve been on a few dates, that’s practically what this is,” Chim pointed out. 

“Give him a break, guys, remember how long it took him and Abby to actually go on a date,” Bobby said. 

Buck rolled his eyes. “It was different. And, yes, Ali and I...we’ve gone on a few dates. I just don’t know—”

“So try dating someone else,” Hen said with a shrug. 

Buck didn’t get to answer because a call rang out and they were all rushing down. Eddie wound up sitting across from Buck in the ladder truck with Chimney at his side. 

“Okay, but what’s wrong with Ali, then? What don’t you like about her?”

“I like her fine,” Buck said. “It just feels different than Abby did and maybe I’m just wasting more of my time with someone that just isn’t it. That’s all.”

“Kind of reminds me of Tatiana,” Chim said. “Best not to drag it out if you feel that way, Buck.” 

At one point in time, Eddie had known with a hundred percent surety that Shannon was it for him. They got along so well and Eddie kept nothing from her — they told each other everything. There was nothing that he couldn’t say to her, even embarrassing stories from when he was a kid. It had been the same on her end. She was his best friend in ways that he hadn’t considered before but that had faded eventually with time and with the distance he’d put between them when he left and then maybe compounded by her leaving as well. Eddie didn’t really think that there was much of a future for them anymore, not with all the baggage between them. He would want it for Christopher, maybe, but Eddie didn’t know if he would want it for himself. 

“Yeah,” Buck said. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Always am, Buckaroo,” Chim said just as they arrived. 

It was a fire. A two story victorian style home was up in flames. A crowd of people were standing well clear of the fire, the smoke pouring out into the sky and from the open front door. Bobby began asking questions and they were all assured that there was no one left inside. It was just a matter of putting the fire out. 

The whole thing took a few hours even with the help of another station arriving as backup. The owners of the house, a middle aged couple and their teenage daughter had some signs of smoke inhalation but luckily no burns and while they were a bit shaken to see their home go up in flames, they were all fine. The best calls were the ones where everyone ended up fine. 

Buck didn’t break up with Ali, though, and when asked about it he just shrugged it off. 

“Maybe I like her more than I thought,” he told Eddie while they put up a banner for the Toy Drive the station was running. Apparently it was a big thing every year and Buck, big kid that he was, was excited for it. 

It was on one of the first days of the toy drive that the unthinkable happened and Shannon showed up and Eddie knew it couldn’t mean anything good. She’d been pissed after he hid her away in his bedroom when abuela arrived with Christopher earlier than expected. Eddie understood why she was mad, but he panicked and the last thing he wanted was for his abuela to get the wrong impression or for Chris to. Or for Christopher to get hurt when Shannon left again. He couldn’t trust that she wouldn’t and it was just on the side of painful to admit that to himself. 

He knew without seeing it that the shock on his face was reflected on Chimney and Buck when she stood in front of him and without an ounce of shame announced to his friends and coworkers that he was sleeping with her. 

Eddie took her to the locker room and he could tell she was angry and that she wanted answers. She wanted to see Christopher and Eddie felt just a little bit on the side of used seeing as Shannon had not once tried to stop any of their encounters. It was like sleeping with him would get her Christopher and he hated the very thought until he realized that for her what had been happening between them was everything going back to normal. Eddie just hadn’t realized that he didn’t think it ever could. He didn’t trust her. He could forgive her leaving because he’d done the same, but that was different than allowing her back into Christopher’s life and trusting that she wouldn’t abandon them again. 

No one said anything to him after Shannon left the station but he could tell that Chimney wanted to. Buck instead asked him to go show some of the kids the ladder truck because Bobby had gone up to start making dinner. 

It wasn’t until a few days later, when he and Buck took Christopher to the mall to see Santa — and wasn’t that just something he should have done with Shannon — that Eddie felt ready to clear the air on what happened. 

Buck assured him that he hadn’t asked because it wasn’t his business but Eddie felt like telling him anyway. He filled him in and Buck listened and Eddie felt lighter because even though Buck couldn’t quite understand the situation, he still gave him good advice. Eddie was torn up because as he said to Buck, he didn’t know who he would be doing it for to let Shannon back into his and Christopher’s lives. 

In the end, Christopher decided. He wanted his mom back. It was his Christmas wish and Eddie couldn’t keep her from him, not when Christopher wanted her back. Eddie just wasn’t sure that he did but he could see it in their faces how happy they were to be reunited and Eddie just had to hope that it had been the right choice. 

Shannon did prove herself over the next few weeks, showing up on time and keeping promises and jumping right into being Chris’ mom again. Eddie didn’t ask her to move in with them and she didn’t ask if she could especially since she was still looking after her mom but they settled into something that made sense and that was far better and probably healthier than anything they had attempted in Texas. Shannon even seemed to understand that Eddie had formed a deep bond with his team on the 118. 

“You’ve never been like this about anyone but your family,” she said when he and Christopher got home from the hospital. Eddie hadn’t even been expecting to find her waiting. “How’s your friend?”

“Woke up. He’s going to be okay,” Eddie said. 

“That’s good. What about…”

“Maddie. They found her.” 

Eddie had been so relieved when Buck texted. Maddie was hurt but she was going to be okay and the nightmare that had started when Buck found Chim stabbed outside her apartment was finally ending. Eddie would never forget when he got the call from Bobby and how Buck had looked when he was sitting with him at the hospital. It was not the Buck he was used to and a part of Eddie had wanted nothing more than to find a way to make it better, but he just wasn’t able to. He’d almost volunteered to go out there searching for her with Athena but he figured there was no point. Instead, they all just stayed in the hospital and waited, none of them sure that things would end well. 

They were first responders, they knew better than anyone how situations like this would end. 

“Oh, thank god,” Shannon said. 

“Yeah,” Eddie said. 

While Chimney and Maddie were both in recovery, Eddie found himself spending more time at the hospital than he’d expected. It was because of Buck more than Chim or Maddie. Buck had taken a bit of time off work and he was just always hanging around the hospital waiting for Maddie to get discharged and that meant that he didn’t care about getting himself food or leaving to get some rest. Bobby had suggested he go pull him out of the hospital the first time and then after that, Eddie had just kept going. He brought Buck food or dragged him out of the hospital and drove him home. Sometimes he took Christopher with him and those days were easier because Buck didn’t seem to want to disappoint Chris. 

Shannon thought it was sweet how much he cared about Buck probably because she knew exactly how many friends Eddie actually had. She’d started to take a more active role in looking after Chris and Eddie felt justified in letting her back into their lives. Shannon was doing far better than Eddie had expected and he was trying to actually work at their relationship even if sometimes he felt like he was doing it more for Chris than for himself but their active sex life maybe said otherwise. 

With Chimney healing up and on leave, Hen hung around him and Buck a bit more and then outside of work, Eddie was busy with Shannon or Chris and it felt like he was seeing Buck less and less if it wasn’t out on a call or on downtime at work. It felt like he hadn’t gotten to talk to him about much of anything but nevertheless he knew that he and Buck were fine — they had each other’s backs. Still, life seemed to be going well. Well enough that Eddie decided that he might try surfing. After all, he did live in California and he had enough free time with Shannon back in the picture to give it a try. 

When he mentioned it to Buck and Hen, they both burst into laughter. 

“Can you invite us your first time on a board,” Hen said with a grin. 

“I have good balance, it can’t be that hard.”

Buck just pat his shoulder. “Even I haven’t considered trying that.” 

Shannon didn’t laugh at him or think that he couldn’t do it, but she did worry about the money he was spending. She had been like that before back in Texas, worrying all the time because Christopher needed so many different things and everything cost money. Eddie thought that maybe all the worrying she’d done hadn’t helped them. But because things were still precarious between even if they were going well, she didn’t press him on it too much. 

Before Eddie knew it, though, Chimney was back and he and Buck were putting up a sign for his welcome back party with Hen supervising them. The next few days were long and drawn out and Eddie got to watch his entire house get taken apart by police officers. He was glad that at least Christopher wasn’t around to watch it go down. 

At some point during it, he got a call from Buck. 

“Hey, your place getting torn apart too?” Eddie asked.

“They’re going through my car,” Buck said. “This is insane. I can’t wait until they catch the person that actually did it.”

“Me too, man. Me too.”

One of the worst parts about the investigation was that they were all banned from going to work. At least it finally gave Eddie time to spend with Buck. 

The thing about Buck was that it was hard to draw your eyes away from him. It was hard to not pay attention to him and Eddie could admit that maybe part of why he’d wanted to get past Buck’s dislike of him when they first met was because he couldn’t stand the idea of Buck disliking him for any reason. After getting to know him and getting to be his friend, Eddie never wanted them to not be friends. 

They met up for lunch at a restaurant for lunch and Eddie was not at all surprised when Buck walking in made people turn heads. Buck was attractive and between how fit and lovely he was, it was no wonder that girls were trying to get his attention. The waitress seemed entirely taken by him and Buck just smiled that cocky little smirk that told everyone he knew just how hot he was until the girl was blushing and trying not to stutter her words. 

“Dude,” Eddie said with a shake of his head. 

Buck just shrugged and when the bill came and her number was on it complete with her name — Emily — and a heart over the i, he just grinned. Eddie wasn’t smiling. He thought it was tacky and unnecessary and he was glad when Buck left the paper behind as if he hadn’t even noticed it. Eddie had no idea why he didn’t like it, maybe it was that he had more faith in Buck and that Buck had a girlfriend. 

“I keep meaning to ask,” Buck said as they were walking out. “How’s it going with Shannon?”

“Oh. Good. I think she really wants to stay this time and Christopher is happy. I didn’t realize how much he missed her.”

“Boys need their moms,” Buck said and Eddie was glad when Buck didn’t ask about his own relationship with Shannon because Eddie still wasn’t sure what he was doing in that respect. 

Some days, Eddie felt like he could see them becoming a normal family. He could see him and Shannon together again, parenting Christopher and being a family. Picturing it was easy and he knew deep down that it would be good for Christopher. His abuela had even been happy when Eddie told her that Shannon was back in their lives. His sisters had been a bit more wary but that was just because they cared so much and they had seen what Shannon leaving had done to him and Christopher. 

Sometimes, Eddie didn’t want to trust that she would stay, but the last few weeks things had been going well. It was just that Eddie wanted to do it for the right reasons because if he didn’t then one day it would fall apart again and that was the last thing he wanted to happen. It was a question of whether he still loved Shannon enough for it to work...for him to make the choice to make them work. 

Of course, the last thing Eddie expected was for Shannon to tell him that she was pregnant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone enjoyed the chapter! Let me know what you think. 
> 
> Horchata is a Mexican rice and milk drink. I’ve had it before in restaurants but I know a lot of Mexican people will make it at home as well. 
> 
> Not sure when the next chapter will be up. It is written but I need to edit it and I currently have an ear infection that has really thrown off my equilibrium so I don’t know how much I’ll get done over the next few days. 
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving to anyone that celebrates it. :)
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/189338315532/next-to-me-4).


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Buck chapter. As a warning this one contains some Buck/OC.

Buck didn’t like Shannon. Maddie would say that he was jealous, but it wasn’t that. It was that he couldn’t respect someone that left their kid like she had. Maddie would say that Buck only felt that way because of the abandonment he felt from their parents even if they had been physically there for them. 

When Eddie explained himself, Buck had been able to see how guilty and torn Eddie looked while he spoke about sleeping with Shannon and not making a decision about letting her back into Christopher’s life. Buck had no room to judge him considering his own past and since Eddie and Shannon were still married in all actuality they were doing nothing wrong. Eddie had no reason to explain himself to Buck at all. And Buck probably had no reason to feel jealous, but he did. 

It had been one thing to think about the idea that one day Eddie would start dating or whatever, but it was somehow different for someone as important as Shannon to come back into his life. She was his wife — the mother of his kid. Even if Eddie had been the least bit interested in men, Buck wouldn’t have had a chance anyway. It stung just a bit, but Buck knew disappointment and he knew better than to have his hopes up for something that was never going to happen. 

There was a moment, though, that left him inexplicably happy, when Eddie had carried Christopher off after his time with Santa and the girl dressed up as an elf smiled at him and complimented him on his son. She thought Christopher was his and Eddie’s and Buck knew it was wrong to not correct her, but he didn’t think it would harm anyone. As he caught up to Eddie, he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. It was just that Christopher meant a lot to him, he told himself. It had little to do with Eddie. Eddie who would never return any of the budding feelings that Buck had for him. 

So, instead of breaking up with Ali, he kept dating her but Ali was smart and she noticed his lack of interest in her eventually.

“So, what is it?” she asked one morning. 

They were in her apartment because Buck still hadn’t found a place of his own despite how often Ali mentioned it was something he had to get on. She’d made them dinner — this lovely spinach stuffed chicken breast and homemade mashed potatoes. 

“What?” Buck asked.

“Is it Abby? Did you hear from her? Is that what has you all distracted?” 

Buck hadn’t heard from Abby. Last time he’d asked, Carla told him that Abby was still travelling. Buck avoided looking at her instagram if he could help it. 

“It is, isn’t it? You’re not over her,” Ali said. 

Ali had a way of looking at him that made Buck want to tell her things. Her gaze was scrutinizing and hard to avoid.

“Because, it is something,” Ali said. 

Buck looked at her and then back at his hands. “Did I ever tell you that I’m bisexual?” Buck asked and he couldn’t meet her eyes when he said it. It was words that he never said out loud in part because he hated labels but because everyone that knew had just been able to tell and also because of the stigma that came with bisexuality. 

“So, it’s not Abby,” Ali said after a moment, looking like she was deep in thought. “That means...then, it’s...is this about Eddie?”

Buck swallowed. He gave a short nod. It was like carrying something really heavy and finally getting to put it down. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck said.

Ali laughed. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I think...well, maybe I should have seen it the day of the earthquake.”

Buck shrugged his shoulders. “We barely even knew each other then,” Buck said.

“I realize that, but the way you guys were talking to each other and just the overall vibe, it should have been obvious to anyone that sees you guys.”

Buck shook his head at once. “No, no...Eddie and I barely knew each other then. We’d been on a handful of calls together and I didn’t really like him at first which is kind of a lie but he’s straight so what does it even matter.”

“Except that you like him so much that this—” she pointed between them “—it isn’t working, Buck.”

“No. I guess it’s not.” 

No matter how much he may have wanted it to, it really just wasn’t working and that Ali had been able to tell, it made Buck realize that maybe he didn’t hide the crush all that well. It was something that he needed to work a little harder at. 

“So, what now?” Buck asked. 

“I think that we make better friends,” Ali said with a grin. “Which means I can still tell you that you need to get your own place and stop living in your sister’s dining room.”

Buck laughed and when he opened his arms she stepped into them and Buck wished that he could like her romantically more because Ali was pretty great and maybe if Buck weren’t stupid enough to fall for his best friend things would have worked out for them. 

Not wanting to deal with the commentary from anyone at the 118, Buck didn’t bother to tell anyone that he and Ali broke up. It was the holidays and it was just easier to not come off as miserable and alone. Maddie didn’t seem to be into the holiday either and Buck hated that because Christmas had always been her favorite time of the year. 

Back when they were growing up, Maddie had been the one to start decorating the house and she would start the day after Thanksgiving. Maddie had always made a big deal of the holidays and it was probably for her that everyone tried to spend some time together on Christmas Day. His favorite memories with his parents were from then and it had nothing to do with the presents. 

He spent some of the holiday with his new found family at Athena’s house. It was both a Christmas celebration and an engagement party and Buck had fun hanging out with everyone outside of the firehouse. Seeing Bobby so happy with Athena warmed him up inside because if there was anyone that deserved to be that happy it was Bobby. 

In the days following Christmas, Buck got to hear all about how happy Christopher was with the return of his mom. 

“I didn’t expect it,” Eddie said. “To see him that happy. But, Buck, it was what he wanted and I guess he’s missed her more than I thought.”

“So, it’s going well, then?”

“I think so,” Eddie said with a smile. “At least for Christopher…which is what matters, you know.”

“You’re a good dad, Eddie,” Buck said and he really believed it. 

On New Years Eve, Buck had no intentions of doing much of anything. He was surprised when he was off seeing as it was one of those high call nights when people were a little too reckless. It led to accidents that wouldn’t have ordinarily happened. Somehow, though, Ali convinced him that they should go out and enjoy the night. She even settled for going to his usual bar just a few streets away from the firestation. 

The place was busy but he and Ali managed to score seats at the bar and Buck ordered his usual beer, paying for Ali’s drink as well. 

“So,” Ali said and there was a glint in her eye. “Who here would you be interested in?”

Remembering back to the last time he’d picked anyone up at the bar — namely, Taylor, Buck just shook his head. 

“Yeah, I don’t think so.”

Ali laughed. “Buck, come on. You won’t ever get over Eddie if you don’t meet someone else. Look, I have every plan to leave with someone tonight. You should too.”

“I’m not that guy anymore,” Buck said.

Ali nudged him. “Two consenting adults having a romp in the sack never hurt nobody. And you just went through a break up. Live a little, Buck.”

He rolled his eyes and then took a glance around the bar. There was a cute girl all the way at the end that smiled at him but she reminded him a little too much of Taylor Kelly and it wasn’t anything that Buck was willing to revisit. 

A friend of Ali’s had approached and the two girls were catching up and Buck left them to it. His eyes met a handsome guy sitting at one of the tables, but he looked away and took a gulp of his drink. He didn’t expect to glance back up and find him still staring and then he lifted a hand and crooked a finger at Buck. Buck shook his head which only seemed to amuse him and then he stood up and headed Buck’s way. 

He was a bit taller than Buck, with dark hair that looked messy and unkempt but had probably taken him ages to get that way. The guy had dimples right in each cheek and his eyes were right in the crossroads of blue and grey. He was hot and worse, he knew it, and Buck couldn’t help but be a little interested. 

The thing about attraction for Buck was that for a long time, it was more to do with the physical aspect than anything else and even then Buck wasn’t exactly picky. He liked girls with long hair because hair was a thing and Buck liked to bury his hands in his partner’s hair for kissing or other more below the belt things. He loved expressive eyes and a nice smile went a long way. With men maybe he was a little more picky. Buck liked a good and proper man and a muscular frame didn’t hurt — it was so different from the softness of a woman and Buck loved the difference. He loved a bit of scruff and the harshness of it on his skin. It had been a while since he’d been with a man. 

“Hey,” the guy said when he was standing in front of Buck. “So I’ve made this decision to start my year off on a good note and you seem exactly the right place to start.”

“Is that how you usually pick up guys,” Buck said with a laugh and a tilt of his head. 

The guy chuckled. “Only the hot ones.” And then, he reached over to where Buck’s hand was leaning on his chair’s backrest and his fingers landed on Buck’s wrist. “I’m David.”

“Buck,” Buck said and he could only focus on how David’s fingers were caressing the top of his hand and wrist. 

“That’s an interesting name,” David said.

“Well, it’s a nickname,” Buck said with a shrug. When David smiled, his cheeks dimpled and it was really doing something for Buck. 

“So, hey, my friends and I were heading to a club after this and I wouldn’t be opposed to you coming along. Your friend can join too.” He motioned towards Ali who was still talking to her friend. 

“I — um, let me check with her,” Buck said and he had no idea if he wanted Ali to say yes or no to going but he suspected that Ali would say yes entirely based on the fact that she wanted to get him laid. 

As expected, Ali agreed to go and her friend seemed to decide to join them. Buck hadn’t been out to an actual club in a while. The last time was sometime before he became a firefighter and all Buck remembered was arriving there, dancing and drinking and then eventually the rest of the night was a blur. What he did know was that he woke up the next morning in someone’s bed, alone. He was definitely planning on this having a different end. 

The club David took them to was packed, but they got in easily enough and once there David bought both him and Ali a drink despite their protests. Eventually, David pulled him out onto the dancefloor and Buck laughed as they joined the other bodies. It was fun, dancing close to another person to a loud beat with a bunch of other strangers around them. 

David pressed himself up into Buck’s back and Buck didn’t hesitate to lean on him as they moved together. He’d lost track of Ali and her friend whose name Buck was never going to remember. 

Eventually, they went back to get more drinks and David’s hand stayed on the small of Buck’s back, warm and big and just on the side of possessive. They were pressed together at the bar while they waited for their beers and David had to lean close to Buck’s ear to talk to him. Beers in hand, they went back out to dance for a while longer, this time facing each other and not as close. They were sweaty and warm and Buck kind of loved it. They’d finished and left their beer bottles somewhere when he spotted Ali. 

She caught his eye and winked from her spot at the bar where she and her friend were being talked up by a couple of guys. He rolled her eyes at her just as David pulled him flush against his chest. 

“Hey,” David said. “It’s going to be midnight soon.”

There was almost ten minutes left. Buck nodded. 

“So, you going to be my midnight kiss, then, Buck?”

Buck threw his head back, but he grinned. David’s breath was ghosting on his neck and they were swaying more than anything, chests pressed together. Buck felt just a little too warm. 

“Hey, want to get some air?” 

David let Buck lead him to the door and they stepped out. It was a stark difference outside than inside. The air was cool and there was a slight breeze. A few people were loitering outside — smokers and couple whispering to each other against a wall. 

“It was kind of stifling in there,” Buck said.

“And here I thought you were trying to get out of kissing me,” David said with a tilt of his head that told Buck that he wasn’t entirely serious. 

David’s hair had gotten messier but in a way that made Buck want to run his fingers through it and make it worse. They moved out of the way of the door, but Buck caught David’s hand, pulling him near. 

“Shouldn’t be much longer now,” Buck said.

In fact, they could hear someone yelling a countdown somewhere. Buck met David’s eyes and he moved closer. 

“Happy New Year,” David said before he leaned closer.

“Happy New Year,” Buck responded and closed the distance. He swept his lips over David’s and felt one of David’s hands land on his neck and jaw, soft fingers caressing his skin as the kiss deepened and Buck felt David’s tongue sweep into his mouth. 

Buck was pressed up tight into David’s space, one arm wrapped around his bicep and the other hand on David’s chest. Kissing him was like any other good kiss. It was nice and hot and it made Buck realize how much he’d missed kissing. He got lost to it, the feeling of having David right there their lips moving together and David’s mouth dragging down his jaw when they came up for air before their lips were meeting again and David was taking control and pushing into Buck. It was so distracting that Buck almost didn’t hear the siren until the 118 ladder truck had pulled up behind them. 

The ambulance came to a stop next to the truck and the lights lit up the street. Buck pulled back first, but David kept kissing down Buck’s neck just as Bobby followed closely by Hen appeared out of the truck. 

Buck froze and David either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Hen was the first to notice him and Buck saw her step falter. 

Then, a moment later it was Bobby who spoke. “Buck?”

David pulled back, staying close to Buck, but glancing at him with a question. 

“Hey, Bobby,” Buck said. 

“Cap, we have to go,” Hen said and the motioned towards the club where undoubtedly something had happened. 

“Right,” Bobby said. 

Two other firefighters from the 118 glanced at Buck as they passed him with quick nods. No one said anything. Chimney just raised an eyebrow. This was not at all how Buck had intended them to find out. 

“Friends of yours?” David asked.

“I’m a firefighter,” Buck answered. 

“Ah,” David said and then a few moments later. “Am I to take it that you’re not out, then?”

The mood was killed between them. Buck felt sobered up. “No, I’m out. I just — I never told them. Never came up because I had a girlfriend for a while. I guess two.”

David nodded. Things had gotten awkward fast and Buck was right in thinking that him and David, it wasn’t going to happen. People liked to say that how you started your year set pace for the rest of it and Buck felt justified in thinking that he was going to be very unlucky in love in the next year. The one saving grace was that at least Eddie hadn’t been on shift that night either. Buck didn’t know quite why he didn’t want Eddie to know but he just didn’t.

Bobby came back out of the club and Buck had no idea how he’d missed a stretcher going in, but one was coming out and a woman was on it but she was awake and talking to Hen. Buck recognized her as one of the bartenders. Hen was holding pressure on the woman’s arm where she looked to be bleeding from. 

Chimney was the only one to stop.

“You know, kid, this is the one thing Hen and I didn’t bet on,” Chim said. “Not that it matters.”

Buck didn’t respond before Chimney walked away and then there was just Bobby who said nothing but gave Buck a smile before he walked away and Buck looked at David and then at Bobby’s retreating back and ran towards Bobby. 

“I — want to explain. I’ll come with you, it’s—”

Bobby turned to look at him and he was smiling still, the amused and kind smile that Buck had grown to associate with approval. 

“Nothing to explain, Buck. This doesn’t change anything for any of us, okay? Happy New Year. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Buck gave a short nod and he let him go. 

He and David went their separate ways. Buck texted Ali to let her know he went home and then he headed to Maddie’s apartment. 

Buck had no idea what to expect the next day. He just knew that everyone was a bit of a gossip, so he did expect everyone to know. So, he was surprised when no one looked at him strangely or mentioned the night before. Bobby greeted him like normal and Eddie bumped his shoulder when they walked up the stairs. It wasn’t until he had a moment alone with Hen that it came up. 

“Hey, so how come no one is talking about last night?” he asked.

Hen fixed him with one of her classic looks. “You know everyone here sees you like a little brother, right?”

“I am aware I’m the youngest,” Buck said with a roll of his eyes. “Hence maybe I expected some teasing. I was prepared for it.”

Hen moved from where she’d been perched to sit next to him on the sofa. “Well, we could all tell you were a bit awkward and self conscious last night. And you clearly didn’t want us to know because otherwise you would have told us. We’ve all heard more than we’ve ever needed to about Abby and we saw you flirting with all those girls on calls but you never told any of us about...what, are you bi? Or pan? Doesn’t matter, really. You didn’t want us to know.”

Buck stared at his hands for a while. There was no judgement in Hen’s voice. Maybe some curiosity with a touch of warmth. 

“I never really labeled myself,” Buck said. “I guess bi fits. I’ve never had to tell anyone before. Well, I told Ali. Never came up with Abby. Maddie just sort of knew and my parents didn’t really care if they even know. People usually just knew.”

Hen nodded slowly. “Well, none of us care. It doesn’t change who you are.”

“Thanks,” Buck said. 

He and Bobby had a similar conversation. Unlike the one with Hen, the conversation with Bobby ended in a hug. Having the team know felt liberating. Buck didn’t realize until a few days later that because the team hadn’t really talked about it with each other, that Eddie actually had no idea and Buck felt too weird bringing it up. 

None of that mattered, once Buck discovered a stabbed and bleeding Chimney just outside Maddie’s apartment and Maddie gone. 

Everything that happened from that moment on became a bit of a blurr. He was desperate to get to his sister and nothing else mattered. As much as he wanted to hope that she was fine, he was smart enough to know that finding her alive grew unlikely the longer it took to find her. 

When he found her, Buck couldn’t have described his relief. Maddie was injured, sure, but she was alive and she wouldn’t let him call their parents. He only agreed because he didn’t want Maddie to get mad while she was recovering. To him nothing else mattered but making sure that his sister was okay. Chimney too. 

Even later once Maddie was all healed up and back at work, Buck couldn’t help but worry. She had gone through something so traumatic and Buck expected it to affect her long after the fact. Worse was seeing what it did to the budding relationship between her and Chim. Buck was waiting for Maddie to fall apart, but she didn’t. 

And while all of that was happening, Eddie was back with his wife and things seemed to be going well enough for him that he was always busy. Buck didn’t mind it much, he just sort of missed when Eddie had time to hang out with him outside of work. But he was happy for Eddie and even more so for Chris and because of Chris he hoped that Shannon didn’t let them down again. Buck didn’t even care that it kind of hurt a bit to see Eddie looking happy. 

Whenever Eddie and he did manage to talk, Buck tried to keep the conversation off of Shannon. They talked about Eddie wanting to learn to surf and Eddie told him every time that his tia asked him to say hello to Buck for him. 

“She really likes you for some reason,” Eddie said with a grin. 

“Everyone likes me,” Buck pointed out. 

Hen was passing at the moment and she paused to touch his arm. “Well, it helps that Buck also likes everyone,” she said and wiggled her eyebrows at him. 

Buck stared after her and he shrugged at Eddie’s questioning look. With everything that had happened and with how nothing changed with anyone at the 118, Buck had forgotten that Eddie didn’t know about his sexuality and Buck felt a little weird telling him and having Eddie maybe connect the dots and figure out that Buck liked him — had a full on crush on him. So, he didn’t tell him even if keeping it from him also felt a little weird and maybe like Buck was lying. 

The thing about Hen knowing that he was into both women and men was that although she didn’t go out of her way to tease him, she just seemed to notice more. Like the call they went out on a few days before Chimney was set to come back. 

The call was out to a house under renovations where someone had fallen through a floor and gotten stuck there. He and Eddie were working to cut through the old wood while Hen made sure that the guy was still awake and responsive. The others working there stood to the side, watching. Overall, it was easy to get the guy out. He was bruised up and covered in splinters, but he was going to be just fine. It was as they were leaving and Buck was walking out with Hen that Hen nudged him. 

One of the guys, tall, blond, and with a scruffy beard was looking their way. He was easy on the eyes, sure.

“Stop it,” Buck said.

“I remember a time when you would just flirt away in a call, Buckaroo,” Hen said.

“Yes, and I’m not that person anymore.”

She nodded. “Okay, but I want to know how many guys you didn’t flirt with back then because you weren’t out to us.”

“Not many,” Buck said with a shrug. 

Chimney’s first day back turned out to be oddly exciting. By the end of it, they were standing at the fire station while police officers surrounded them because apparently money had been stolen and they were the main suspects. The days that followed were confusing and long and by the end of it, Buck still felt confused. But then, the thing that gave them all a blow was when Bobby was suspended. 

He could tell that every single person at the 118 was shocked and upset over the whole thing and it wasn’t just because Chimney took over in the interim, but because Bobby was the reason that their firehouse ran the way it did and without him they all felt a little bit lost. Chim was good, but he was also different and yet he was trying so hard to be Bobby that it was a bit difficult to have him as their Captain, especially when Chim also forgot that he was the Captain when they were out on calls. 

The more time that passed since Christmas and Eddie letting Shannon back into his life, the easier it was for Buck to get used to the idea. He still admired Eddie and knowing him as well as he did made it so that he didn’t think he would ever not have some sort of crush on him, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t happy for his friend especially since it was obvious that Eddie had made a decision about Shannon. 

So, when they were responding to a call and Buck glanced at one of the people that had gotten hit by the car and he recognized Shannon, he almost didn’t believe it. His look of shock alerted Eddie to it and Buck didn’t know if he should hold him back and keep him out of the way like they were supposed to do with family members and bystanders but Eddie pushed past him and then Chim had him so Buck turned back to what he’d been doing. He was a little distracted and kept glancing back. 

He was busy when they loaded her up into the ambulance but not far enough away to not hear when Chimney told Eddie to say goodbye to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next one we're back to Eddie. No idea when I will have it up but hopefully it won't be a long wait. Thanks for reading. :)
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/189433766622/next-to-me-5).


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, so this chapter is long but with this fic I’ve been writing every chapter knowing what the last line of the chapter would be in terms of where in the canon I’d want to end it entirely due to the POVs. So yeah this happened. Enjoy.

Shannon thought she was pregnant and suddenly everything felt real. It had been different when they got together on his days off to be with Christopher and sometimes just to be together on their own. It was easy to fall back on old habits, to kiss her and hold her hand and even fall into bed together. And apparently, they hadn’t been careful enough. Christopher was sort of proof of that already but now she was telling him she might be pregnant again and Eddie felt like even though she was asking him what was happening between them, that the decision was made for him. If she was pregnant then he had to be that baby’s dad there was no way around it and it only made sense that he and Shannon should be together. 

It was the only thing he could think about after she told him and if Shannon noticed that he was more shocked than ecstatic, then Eddie really didn’t have it in him to care. 

With Bobby suspended and Chimney driving everyone crazy, Eddie felt a bit lost. The thing about Bobby was that he was just so easy to talk to. He was welcoming and warm and Eddie just appreciated him so much. Buck and Hen had filled him in on everything to do with why Bobby had been relieved of his command and none of them knew if he would be allowed to come back or when. And somehow, he was the one that Eddie wanted to talk to. 

Even though Buck was his best friend, it felt just a little odd for some reason to talk to him about Shannon and the pregnancy. Talking to his abuela or tia meant that the whole family would probably hear about it. If not his parents then definitely his sisters. That was the last thing he wanted, so at the first chance he got, he went over to Bobby’s apartment. 

Bobby was deep in wedding planning and for a moment, Eddie considered just leaving him to it, but Bobby was insistent that he stay and after talking a little bit about Chim and how he was doing as the interim captain, Eddie just brought it up. Bobby looked a little shocked and Eddie realized that he had never really spoken to Bobby about Shannon before. Bobby probably did know the basics but not everything. 

Eddie told him about Shannon coming back into their lives and how happy it made Christopher. 

“Kids will always want both parents in the picture,” Bobby said. 

“I know and I get that, but I don’t know, Cap. Another baby.” He let out a breath. “Are we ready for that?”

Bobby didn’t look like he had the answer for him, whatever Eddie was looking for that could ease his mind. 

“Were you ready the first time?” Bobby asked. 

Eddie wondered if anyone was ever ready to have kids. Maybe Bobby had been and then of course he’d lost them. Eddie couldn’t imagine the kind of pain that Bobby must have felt — would probably always feel. 

“Look, if you two decide to have another baby, you’ll figure it out. We already know you’re a great dad.”

Eddie supposed that that wasn’t the problem at all. He was the father to a child with special needs and it wasn’t always easy but easy didn’t matter when it came to his son. He loved Christopher and he would love this new baby. That wouldn’t be the problem. 

“I guess the question is, can I be a good husband,” Eddie said. 

Bobby sort of nodded. “That is the question,” he said. 

“I don’t know if I can,” Eddie said. “I don’t know if I want to be and I don’t think I ever really was.”

Bobby gave him a look that said he didn’t believe him, but Eddie knew better. He knew that he hadn’t quite managed that aspect of his relationship with Shannon. They were married and then he was shipping off, coming home for small periods at a time and then once he was finally there she was the one to leave. They’d never done it — the whole husband and wife thing and maybe neither of them should have. 

“You don’t have to be her husband to be a father to her kids. Michael is doing just fine with May and Harry,” Bobby pointed out. “You just have to figure out what you want is all.” 

And that was the problem. He had no idea what he wanted, but he knew what everyone else would want once they found out about the baby. His mom and dad would be thrilled for another grandchild, he was sure. Abuela would be happy to hear it and so would Pepa and they would probably all expect him and Shannon to stay together and be a family. Eddie just didn’t know if that was possible.

“Think it through, Eddie. Just remember that families aren’t traditional all the time. It isn’t all down to blood.”

Thinking about the 118 and the way that everyone was with each other — how much Eddie considered them all family — he knew that Bobby was right. 

He spent a lot of time thinking on it. In the meanwhile, work was a good distraction. They went out to a call at a chocolate factory to fish a guy out of a huge vat of chocolate. It was like a scene from Willy Wonka and by the end of it, Eddie didn’t think he’d want to have any kind of chocolate for a long while. 

Because of all his shifts, he didn’t see much of Shannon but at least having her around meant that Christopher could be with her if she didn’t have anywhere else to be and maybe because she was trying to prove herself, Shannon made herself available to be with Chris. The time spent working also gave Eddie time to think. He did love Shannon. Maybe it had changed from what it had been back when they first met and certainly Christopher had played a part in changing it, but Eddie also thought that they could get back to that. Eddie just kept asking himself what he would do if Christopher wasn’t a factor. 

He went back to Bobby after the whole bomb in a package thing because there was one thing that Eddie did know, and that was that he didn’t want to lose Shannon. 

“Is that enough?” he asked Bobby. 

“Can be. But is it because she’s the love of your life or because she’s Christopher’s mother?” 

Put like that, Eddie knew that it was more to do with Chris. Maybe more so than himself. In the time since he’d arrived in LA and she had come back into their lives, Eddie could admit that he’d been almost fine with not having her around. He’d been angry but that had been mostly to do with Chris and the abandonment that his son felt. Sex had complicated everything — sex had created the problem of another baby. 

“Look, we’re back to what I said last time,” Bobby said. 

“I know.”

It was much later that his abuela called him. 

“Edmundo, solo queria decir congratulations.”

[“Edmundo, I just wanted to say congratulations.”]

“Congratulations? Abuela, por que?”

[“Congratulations? Grandma, why?”]

She laughed on the phone. “The baby, chico.”

[“The baby, kiddo.”]

“Oh. She told you about that,” Eddie said and he tried not to grit his teeth. 

“Estábamos en el parque con Christopher y ella dijo algo de los niños. Le pregunté y me dijo que creía que esta embarazada. Oh, Ed, no pensé que estaban juntos denuevo. Tu sabes lo que pienso, pero si es por Chris y el nuevo bebé yo se el hombre que tu eres.”

[“We were in the park with Christopher and she said something about kids. I asked her and she told me she thinks she’s pregnant. Oh, Ed, I didn’t think you were back together. You know what I think, but if it’s for Chris and the new baby then I get it. I know what kind of man you are.”]

Eddie didn’t know what to say. If Shannon had gone and mentioned it to abuela then she had to be pretty sure that she was pregnant. 

“No le as dicho a Stef o Iz? Or worse a papa?” Eddie asked. 

[“You haven’t told Stef of Iz right? Or worse told dad?”]

Abuela laughed again. “No. You know I wouldn’t. Not my place to.”

Eddie let out a sigh of relief. He knew that his abuela didn’t really like Shannon. She always called her “that gringa”. Abuela had really not taken it well when Shannon left him and Chris and had been a bit wary when Eddie let Shannon back in. But abuela was also religious — a devout Catholic. It was probably where his father got all of his moral notions and Eddie knew that no matter what, she would want him to at least try to stay with Shannon if Shannon was willing especially with the news of another baby. 

He got off with the phone with her once she told him that she was going with Shannon to pick up Christopher and they were planning on lunch. 

“Dile que me llame,” Eddie told her before hanging up the phone. 

[“Tell her to call me.”]

Later, he was back at the station and he wasn’t surprised when he got a call. Shannon looked happy. She was smiling and laughing and Christopher was too. Granted, their kid was just the happiest kid. Looking at them — at his family — Eddie felt like he’d made a decision. 

Buck seemed to just know where his mind had gone when he appeared, jokingly asking when he and Shannon were getting married. He didn’t hang around long enough before he was off, walking up the stairs, but Eddie felt a little annoyed by how supportive everyone was being. Not one single person was trying to give him a different perspective but that made it easier to settle on a decision. 

When he spoke to Shannon later that night over another video call, Eddie figured it was time to put them both out of their misery and he asked her to go out with him the following night. Maybe they didn’t need to get married again, but they definitely had to have a talk about it. 

He made reservations at a nice restaurant and he prepared everything to make it a night that neither of them would forget any time soon. He just wasn’t expecting for Shannon to tell him that actually, she wasn’t pregnant or the odd relief that he was hit with and just a bit of panic because suddenly he knew that he was making a mistake and that whatever was still left between them wasn’t going to work and yet he’d done so much already to move forward that it felt like backtracking wasn’t an option. But then...

She wasn’t ready for them to be together. She thought that she was barely ready to be Christopher’s mother. 

Eddie didn’t know what to make of how relieved he felt instead of disappointed or how the disappointment that he did feel was about the baby — because that aspect, the being a father thing...he’d wanted that even if he didn’t fully realize it. 

“I think we should get a divorce.” 

That wasn’t just not being ready to be with him again. It wasn’t not being ready to be a family. It was not wanting it at all and Eddie wasn’t prepared for what a blow it was. It was her leaving all over again except that this time it wasn’t Christopher she was leaving — it was just Eddie. 

“I...I don’t know what to say,” Eddie said.

“I think you want a divorce too,” Shannon said. She was crying and even crying she was beautiful. “I know your family won’t like it but it’s better. For both of us.”

“Yeah,” Eddie said. 

When he got home that night, he found Christopher asleep on the couch with Carla. She put a finger to her lips as she got up and they both walked towards the kitchen.

“He wanted to wait up for you,” she explained. “Since it’s not a school night I figured it wouldn’t do any harm.”

“No, it’s fine,” Eddie said and Carla must have been able to tell that he wasn’t all there because she took his hand. “Want me to make you some tea? Or maybe you need something stronger? What happened?”

“I guess Shannon and I decided what we’re going to do.”

“Which is?”

“She wants us to get a divorce,” Eddie said. It still didn’t feel real. 

“Oh, Eddie,” Carla said, her compassion shining through. It was what made her so amazing at her job. 

“So, I’m thinking the something stronger would be fitting.” 

Eddie chuckled. “No. I had enough wine at dinner and I’m in early tomorrow morning. I just thought we were headed in a different direction, is all.”

“Well, maybe it’s better that you have a definitive decision,” Carla said. She went and filled up the stovetop kettle with water and put it on the stove. 

Eddie just nodded. Perhaps the worst of it was that he knew he couldn’t fault Shannon for her reasoning and for how much she wanted to be Chris’ mom above all else. She didn’t want to fail Christopher. He also had to stop feeling so guilty for feeling like he’d been let off the hook.

He drank tea with Carla for a little while and she filled him in on Christopher’s night. Carla also asked him about the bomb since it seemed to be all over the news. 

“Scary,” Carla said. “But then, this world is scary.” 

Eddie agreed. 

The next morning, Eddie took Chris over to his Abuela’s house. He deliberately got there late so she wouldn’t have time to ask him questions and Eddie hoped that when Carla got there that she wouldn’t tell her either. Eddie just wanted a little bit of time before he told anyone that there was no baby and that there wasn’t going to be any more Eddie and Shannon either. 

He left after abuela had blessed him like she always did. He was parking his car when Buck arrived, so he waited to walk in with him. 

“Hey,” Buck said with a grin. “So what do you think Captain Han is going to have us do today?”

“Chim means well, Buck,” Eddie said remembering the whole mess with the line ups and the hose. 

“I suppose,” Buck said. 

They got to the locker room and got changed and the entire time, Eddie considered telling Buck about how his night had gone but he hesitated every time that he seemed to have an opening. Then, Buck asked about Christopher.

“I haven’t seen your kid in a while, Diaz,” Buck said. 

“He’s doing fine, Buck. Maybe we’ll get the two of you together one of these days.” 

“I’m always down to hang out with him. Just let me know,” Buck said and then walked out of the locker room. Eddie followed close behind and he heard Hen asking Buck about Maddie.

Every once in a while someone asked about Maddie. Usually not Chimney because ever since the incident he and Maddie had been skirting about each other. They all worried about her a little. What she’d gone through was not something that she could get over easily. 

“She’s good. I think considering going back to nursing,” Buck said. 

“Well, whatever makes her happy,” Hen said. 

Ever since the incident with the fire in the kitchen, Chimney had been a bit less hands on with the kitchen, so Eddie wasn’t surprised to find him with a giant box of Eggos. 

“Breakfast,” he said with a grin. 

No one was really taking him up on the idea especially once Buck decided that he was the one making breakfast because if Bobby had taught Buck anything it was how to make eggs. 

The morning was normal. They didn’t have any calls so everyone had some downtime or spent it getting some chores done and then the first call came in and they were on their way. Eddie had no way of knowing what they would find when they got there. He and Buck were following Chim’s orders and dealing with the driver, but he noticed it at once when Buck stopped what he was doing and froze to look at something or someone. He didn’t answer any of Eddie’s questions and then tried to stop him from going anywhere once Eddie had seen for himself. 

He didn’t believe his eyes at first, wanted to believe that it was someone else even when he already knew that it couldn’t be. He got past Buck and then Chimney was there trying to hold him back from Shannon who was on the street, splayed out. 

Everything happened in flashes. Later, he couldn’t recall all the details. He just remembered being on his knees and Shannon looking at him confused and surprised and then Shannon on the stretcher and Chim’s face telling him everything without having to voice it. There was nothing that could be done. She was already dead...her injuries weren’t something anyone came back from. 

If they intubated and took her into the hospital all it would do is keep her alive. At the hospital they might connect her to other life support but it would all end the same way — with Shannon dead. 

Eddie did what he could as they rode to the hospital, telling her how much Chris loved her — how much he loved her. Shannon seemed to get it, he could see it in her eyes. And it hurt. It killed him to see her on the brink of death and to know that he’d have to tell their son. 

After the doctors called it and after he went back out to a waiting room full of his friends, Eddie felt the shock wash over him. He saw Chim and Hen and Buck looked like he wanted to say something but didn’t have the words and then Eddie saw Bobby and he was the one he walked towards and the one he hugged. 

Shannon was gone. 

Eddie had no idea how long Bobby hugged him for, but he knew when Buck placed a hand on his shoulder and muttered “I’m so sorry.” 

“What do you need, Eddie?” Hen asked.

He needed for that day to not have happened. He needed the impossible. Realistically, he had to get to Christopher. 

His voice was hoarse when he answered. “I need to see my son.”

Hen was the voice of reason, telling him he couldn’t rush that. He needed to get himself together first and that started with getting out of his uniform. The ambulance and the ladder truck were both outside and after Bobby gave him one last hug and told him to call if he needed anything, Buck led him to the truck and kept close to him. It helped to have him there even while neither of them spoke. 

Buck’s shoulder was pressed against his and it was grounding. It was a connection that he needed. 

It was Buck that led him to the locker rooms and searched for Eddie’s clothes and then sent him into the showers but not before first asking if he could do anything else. 

“Can you call Pepa? Or my abuela. Let them know. It’s going to be hard enough telling—”

“Of course. Go shower. I’ll tell them and I’ll tell them not to say anything to Chris. What about the rest of your family. Should they tell them or…”

“They can call my parents,” Eddie said. It was one conversation that he didn’t want to have. 

Eddie was only mildly surprised when Buck was waiting for him when he came out after the longest shower that Eddie had ever taken at the station. For spaces of it he’d just stood under the water and done nothing...he’d tried not to picture her face. 

“I’m going to drive you over,” Buck said. “You’re in no state to drive.”

Eddie didn’t argue. It was a silent drive, but it let Eddie think and figure out how he was supposed to tell Christopher. When they made it there, Buck reached over and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze. 

“You can do this, Eddie. Call me, okay. I’ll be here.”

Eddie could only nod. 

Abuela and Christopher were both waiting outside on the porch. Christopher must have sensed that something was wrong — he was just that kind of intuitive. Eddie approached and Chris looked up and the absolute trust and love in his kid’s eyes gave him the strength to get to him and wrap his arms around him. 

“Hey, kid,” he said.

“Hi, daddy,” Chris said into his collar. 

Eddie held him for a moment and then he sat down on the steps, bringing Chris to his lap. 

“So, I have some bad news to tell you,” Eddie said. 

“Oh,” Chris said.

“Mommy was in an accident today.” It was harder to say it than he’d expected — to speak the words out loud and make it real. 

“Is she okay?” Christopher asked and he was oh so innocent and perfect and Eddie hated how much had already gone wrong in his short life. 

Eddie took a breath. “No. She didn’t make it. She loved you so much, Christopher, and now she’s—”

“Es un angel. She’s looking down on you,” abuela said, coming up behind them. 

[“She’s an angel”]

Chris looked up at where she was standing and Eddie did as well, gulping and trying to keep his emotions in check. He remembered how Chris had looked when Shannon left them and it was much the same and he pulled him back into a hug. It was painful. All of it was painful. 

Later, hours later after Chris had fallen asleep and Eddie tucked him in and he and his abuela had a chance to talk and Eddie felt restless, Eddie found himself pulling out his phone and calling the only person that he thought he could be around. Buck. 

Buck arrived a few minutes later and Eddie didn’t even let him get out of the car, climbing in and holding onto the folded pieces of paper that he knew had to be the letter Shannon had written for Christopher. They had been among all her things in the bag the hospital gave him. Eddie hadn’t read them yet. 

“Where to?” Buck asked.

Eddie thought back to the last time they’d been happy. It was probably that day at the beach when she told him she thought she was pregnant. 

“The beach.”

“The beach it is,” Buck said. 

They didn’t talk and the radio was kept on such a low volume that Eddie had to concentrate to figure out what song had come on. It was almost sunset when they arrived and when Eddie just walked away from Buck he was glad when Buck let him. He was there and it was enough. More than enough. 

It took him a while to read the whole letter. He was crying by the end of it. The emotions overwhelming him because it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that she had come back to them even after doubting herself time and again only to die just as she was making the responsible choice and wanting to be Christopher’s mother. He cried for Christopher and the great loss that he maybe wasn’t even fully comprehending. He cried for himself and the loss of a woman that he’d loved and at one point considered the single one person that he wanted to spend his life with. 

The sun had set entirely when Buck’s hand landed on his shoulder, a gentle squeeze and then he was lowering himself to the sand next to Eddie. 

“How are you doing?” Buck asked. 

Eddie wanted to laugh. He wanted to scream. He wanted everything to stop. 

“She left us again,” Eddie said.

“Not because she wanted to,” Buck said, 

Eddie leaned his shoulder against Buck’s and without thinking about it, dropped his head against his shoulder too. He wasn’t really crying anymore, but he felt empty. Buck made it a little better. In the vast huge world they were in, having someone as dependable as Buck next to him made all the difference. 

Eddie didn’t feel comfortable planning the funeral, so he was glad when Shannon’s family decided for him. They even refused his money when he offered to help out with the costs. Still, Eddie was glad when his mom and dad flew in from Texas. His mom jumped in to help on his behalf and Eddie felt like he could relax a little and focus on Christopher instead. 

The first few days were hard. He didn’t even have work to distract him and instead he had Christopher who was slowly coming to terms with what it meant for his mom to be dead. 

To Eddie the biggest surprise was having Buck around whenever he could spare a moment. He told Eddie about all the different bomb threat calls they got every single day. The whole city of LA was in a sort of panic over the exploding packages. The only time that Buck didn’t manage to be there for him was for the funeral. But for that he had his family. His mom and dad, his sisters, his abuela and tia and even a few cousins. 

Chris cried a little at the funeral and Eddie knew that the whole thing was making it all that much real for his son. Eddie supposed that that was the whole point of funerals in the first place. 

Eddie was surprised when his parents decided to stick around after the funeral. It meant that Eddie had very little time on his own. One or both of them was always around and then there were his sisters too. 

Eddie’s father had always been more soft spoken — one to settle arguments with a look rather than with words. He didn’t have to push or argue to get his way, he often just did because people tended to listen to him. Eddie had always admired him and wanted to be like him, to be able to contain his emotions and be strong for everyone else around him. To move past things and brush them off. With him around, it was easier to fall back on being able to push emotion away. Thinking back, Eddie couldn’t ever remember seeing his father cry. Or be upset enough to yell or do anything other than take the situation by the reins and keep moving. 

His mother was different. She wore her emotions on her sleeves and wanted to talk about anything and everything and Eddie hated it. He also hated that she had never seen him as capable of being on his own. It was possible that she was confusing him for his father who was the stereotypical man who needed a wife to take care of his house, his children, his meals, and just about everything else. 

Somehow, though, he didn’t expect for her to ask point blank if he would move back to Texas as if Eddie hadn’t formed a life in LA before Shannon was in the picture. As if Eddie couldn’t handle the pressure of a special needs child while being a firefighter and a single father. 

They didn’t understand his reluctance. Even his sisters seemed to be on her side and he resented them a little for that. 

It came to ahead the day before they were set to finally go back to Texas. 

“Look, Eddie, all I’m saying is that your dad and I can help you. Your grandma isn’t exactly young and you need someone reliable around for Christopher when you need help.”

“I have Carla and Pepa,” Eddie said at once.

“Right, some sort of home aid that you’re paying and your aunt Pepa who works all the time.”

She had argued with him at the BBQ they’d had at abuela’s house the day after the funeral and Eddie had hoped that it was the last of it. 

“He’s set up here, mom. He has a good physical therapist and his school is better than what he had in Texas. He has friends here and I have a job. We’re doing really well and that wasn’t down to Shannon. And I have friends here that are willing to help if I need them.”

“You mean that boy. What did you call him — Buck?” 

Buck had stopped by once and only once while his parents were at his house and it hadn’t exactly gone well perhaps because Chris had been a little excited to see him and he’d run to give Buck a hug. His mom hadn’t liked the way that Christopher clung to Buck and wanted to show Buck his latest drawings. She probably hadn’t even liked how attentive Buck was to Christopher. 

His dad hadn’t been pleased either if the frown had been anything to go by and then Buck had introduced himself and none of his charm worked on Eddie’s parents.

“Yes, my friend Buck,” Eddie said. “But also my Captain and other firefighters at my station. We all have each other’s backs and I won’t leave them.”

In the end, they hugged him and Chris and went back to Texas with the promise to return soon.

By the time that Eddie had gotten back to work, he felt like the grief wasn’t weighing him down anymore. He could do his job and he could keep moving. He worried about Christopher, but his kid was resilient. 

Buck stuck close to him but he didn’t hover or shoot worried looks his way. Instead, he made everything normal again and if Eddie clung to him a little bit more than he had in the months that Shannon was around, then Buck didn’t complain. Instead, he joked around with Eddie and made everything that much more bearable. So much so that eventually, Eddie didn’t feel devastated any time he thought about Shannon. 

Things were going well. Christopher had started to move on, getting back to the life they’d had before Shannon came back. He was just that sort of resilient kid and Eddie would never stop admiring him. At the station, Chim had gotten better at being Captain. He was relying less and less on trying to emulate Bobby and being more himself which worked for everyone even if they were all waiting for Bobby to come back. It wasn’t the same without him around. 

Of course, things couldn’t remain good. They were heading out on a call when it happened. First, Bobby seemed to be trying to reach them for some reason and then in seconds came an explosion and everything happened fast. They were all thrown about inside and the whole truck shook from the impact. Eddie had been in the Army — in Afghanistan — and he had more experience with feeling something like this than anyone else there and yet the unexpected aspect of it threw him and had him confused and disoriented just like everyone else. So, it took a moment for him and the others to realize that Buck had gone and taken the brunt of it by having the truck fall on him. Worse, they couldn’t get to Buck. 

Then, later — what felt like an age later — he was climbing into the ambulance with Hen and Buck. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of his best friend neck braced on a board and stretcher, tear stains on his pallid face. Hen took point, working on keeping any bleeding at bay and checking him over again and again. Eddie who had never frozen in a moment of emergency and who could think on his feet did what he could as Hen asked him to, but his eyes would go back to Buck’s. 

To have someone else he loved on the stretcher like that so soon after Shannon, it wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. 

Buck’s hand twitched where it lay and Eddie grasped it. 

“Hey,” he said. “Hey, you’re going to be okay.”

“Yes, you are, Buckaroo,” Hen said.

Buck squeezed his hand and Eddie squeezed back. Buck was going to be fine. This ambulance ride was not going to end like Shannon’s. 

When they got to the hospital, it was hard to hold back and let the doctors take Buck away. Hen put a hand on his arm and together they went to the waiting room. 

“This has been a wild night,” Hen said as Chimney came to join them. 

Eddie could only nod. In the next few minutes, Bobby and Athena arrived and Hen waved them over. Together they waited for Maddie to arrive. 

“How is he? Where is he?”

“I think they took him to surgery,” Hen said. 

Maddie nodded and then she went over to the desk. As his only blood relative, Maddie was the only one they would disclose any information to. When she came back, she sank into a chair near Athena. 

“He’s in surgery,” she said. “They’ll update us when they can.”

“Do you want to call your parents?” Athena asked.

Buck never talked about his parents. Buck hadn’t called his parents back when Maddie was taken by Doug or even in the aftermath and no one had thought to ask him about it. 

Maddie shook her head. “No. It’s better when they don’t know things.” She left it at that and didn’t elaborate and no one thought it was the time to ask questions. 

The next few hours were long. He could see how stressed it was making Maddie, but didn’t know what he could say to her. Eddie had only met Maddie a couple of times. The first being when he and Chim went to help her move and then later when she was recovering. He didn’t really know her all that well. 

Carla arrived around the same time that the doctor came out. Buck was fine. Eddie didn’t hear anything else past that. He was still asleep, but they were welcome to see him. Maddie went first on her own, but she came back out just a few minutes later. Eddie, Hen, Chim, Athena, and Bobby went in. 

Buck was still paler than usual, his leg in a cast and propped up on a pillow. He was fast asleep, but frowning and Eddie wanted nothing more than to take away his pain. He wanted to make it all better. 

“Oh, Buck,” Hen said. 

“He’s tough, he’ll get that cast off in no time,” Bobby said. 

They left while Buck was still asleep a few minutes later and ran into Maddie and Ali. 

“He’ll walk again,” Maddie was telling Ali. “That’s what the doctor said.”

“That’s good. That’s very good,” Ali said and Eddie could tell that she was worried nonetheless. Carla joined the two women and they went into Buck’s room. Eddie wanted to go back in there with them and to be with Buck until he came to but it felt weird to push to be there when Buck’s girlfriend had arrived. 

Hen and Chimney left when they made it back to the waiting room. Hen to go home to her family and Chim because the Fire Chief wanted to talk to him about what happened that night. Bobby got a call about it as well and Athena went with them. It left Eddie on his own until Maddie came out. 

“You’re still here,” she said with some surprise. 

“Yeah, I — you don’t mind, do you?”

Maddie shook her head. “No. no, I don’t. Athena just texted me that they were going to talk to the Fire Chief so I figured you went too.”

“Oh. No. I just want to stick around until he wakes up, if that’s okay.”

“It’s fine.”

He made a call to his abuela to check up on Christopher. Christopher was apparently already in bed and he had no idea that anything had happened that night. His abuela did, however, and she was clearly worried. They spoke for a little while until she was satisfied that he was fine. She even asked after Buck and Eddie filled her in with what he knew. 

When he hung up, he was surprised to see Ali. 

“Hi,” she said and extended a cup of coffee this way. “I haven’t seen you since the earthquake.”

“Thank you,” Eddie said and took the styrofoam cup. 

“I — I’m sorry about your wife. Buck mentioned it. Must be hard to be here again after all of that.”

Eddie hadn’t thought about Shannon since the moment in the ambulance. His thoughts had been on Buck and Buck only but he shrugged his shoulders at Ali just as Maddie came around the corner. She looked tired but at least the worry was mostly gone.

“I left Carla with him. Couldn’t really sit in that room anymore,” Maddie said and then turned to Ali. “Buck sent me some pictures of the apartment. You have a good eye.”

Ali shook her head. “Well, he needed to finally have a place of his own.”

It was news to Eddie that Buck had even been looking for a place of his own or that he’d found one. Maybe Buck hadn’t wanted to mention it — especially if he and Ali had possibly moved in together — when Eddie had just lost Shannon. He had no idea how long they were in the waiting room before Maddie got up. 

“Should check on him again,” she said. 

“I’ll come too,” Ali said.

They looked to him but Eddie didn’t want to intrude.

After ten minutes, he got up and walked towards the room. It was getting late and Eddie figured that Buck would have Carla, Maddie, and Ali there for him when he came to. Eddie would just visit in the morning. He had made it just to the hall when he heard Carla and Maddie laughing and then the low sound of Buck’s voice. He got there in time to see Ali pulling back from Buck but staying close, sitting in the chair at his side and holding his hand. Buck looked pleased to see her there and Eddie couldn’t explain the pang in his chest that made him uneasy. 

He gave knock on the doorframe before stepping inside. Buck’s eyes turned to him.

“Eddie,” he said and his lips fell into a smile. 

Awake, Buck looked a little better. His leg was still in the brace and on the pillow and surrounded by a cast and there was a cut just over his right eyebrow. 

“Hey,” Eddie said as he stepped towards the foot of the bed. 

“So, anyway,” Ali said. “I’m just glad you’re okay, Buck. I had to come when I saw the news.”

“How are you feeling, man?” Eddie asked.

“Probably like someone that had a truck crush them,” Buck said. “But also, floaty. They have me on the good stuff.”

Maddie and Carla laughed at that. 

A nurse turned up, then, and spent some time checking on Buck. 

“I have to go, Buck. I have an early morning but I’ll be back to see you tomorrow. Let me know if you need anything at all,” Carla said and Ali gave her space to hug Buck before she left. 

“Thanks for coming,” Maddie said. 

“For Buck — of course I came,” Carla said and Eddie was once more cognizant of how many people just loved Buck. He was so easy to love. 

“And I should be going too,” Eddie said a few moments after Carla had gone. He didn’t want to hang around when Buck had Ali and Maddie there for him. “Just wanted to see you when you woke up.”

Buck nodded. “Thanks for sticking around, Eddie.” 

Eddie walked out but he stopped to ask about visiting hours at the desk while he waited for his Uber. Buck was probably going to be in hospital for at least a few days before he was allowed to go home — to his new apartment, probably. 

He’d just finished talking to the receptionist when he spotted Ali heading his way. She had her jacket hanging from her arm and she smiled and waited for him. 

“Come on, we can walk out together,” she said. 

His Uber would arrive in the next few minutes, so he walked with her. 

“You’re really good for him,” Eddie said. “I mean, coming here and being here for him. I think he’s needed that kind of support from someone. I’m glad the two of you were able to connect and that your relationship is working out. Moving in together, right?”

Ali stopped mid-step. “Oh. No. I’m — I’m not his girlfriend and we’re not moving in together. I just helped him find an apartment. We broke up ages ago.” 

When he looked at her, her brow was furrowed even though her lips were sort of turned up.

“Oh,” Eddie said. He didn’t know why a wave of relief came over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, to change things up next chapter will also be an Eddie POV. I’m switching ch. 7 and 8 because I think things make better sense that way. With all the hours I’m going to be working I don’t know when I’ll get to edit it so I’m expecting to keep posting a chapter a week. 
> 
> Let me know what you thought. :)
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/189573625517/next-to-me-6).


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter as ch. 8 because of the changing POVs but it fit better as ch. 7. It’s a very heavy Eddie chapter and I think one of the more important ones. Enjoy.

There were things that were drilled into Eddie from a young age. Part of it came from being raised by a Catholic family and the other part of it came from growing up in Texas. What most people knew about Texas extended to it being a huge state, largely a red state, and that most people were conservative in their views of just about everything. Texas was a little more complicated than that. Being so big meant that it had huge diversity and that most cities weren’t all that alike even within the state and yet it was a state where people were highly religious and that weren’t all that fond of anyone pushing the status quo. Of course liberal people existed in Texas. People of color existed in Texas. People with different views existed in Texas...they just weren’t in the majority.

Even though Ramon Diaz was hispanic, his views didn’t land on the liberal side of things. He believed that illegal immigration was the worst crime that someone could comit, he believed that abortion was wrong, and he believed that sexuality was a choice and that someone was weak if they decided they were gay. In their family they never really talked about that last one. 

Isabella never told anyone in the family that one of her good friends was a lesbian and Eddie only knew because he overheard a conversation. Eddie also never mentioned to either of his parents that one of his EMT co-workers was a gay man. Things were just better left unsaid and since Isabella, Stefanie, and Eddie had never shown any inclination towards attraction to the same sex, it was a non-issue. Eddie never thought about it, he just knew that he didn’t think like his father and he didn’t care what anyone else liked or didn’t like. He also never really considered his own interests because he did always like girls. 

So, it felt a little strange when Eddie realized that if Buck were a woman, Eddie would have been interested in pursuing a relationship. He didn’t quite know what that meant...or why he’d thought about it that way. 

In the days following the accident and Buck finally being allowed to return home, Eddie threw himself into helping. Maddie couldn’t do everything on her own and Eddie sort of felt like he owed it to Buck after how much Buck had helped after Shannon’s passing. 

Eddie could tell that Buck wasn’t enjoying the time it took for his leg to heal. Eddie visited and brought Christopher over when he could and he noted immediately the signs that Buck was getting bored with being at his house all the time. There was nothing to be done about that, though. Eddie tried to remind him time and time again that he had plenty of time to get better and return to the team because of course Buck would be coming back. They would throw a huge party for him and everything would go back to the way it was. 

When he and Christopher were over, Buck seemed to relax. The annoyance and boredom would fall away from his face and Eddie figured that it had something to do with being distracted from just sitting around not being able to do much. There was only so much tv or movies that he could watch. 

Christopher who already liked Buck plenty came out of his shell around Buck, laughing with him and so absolutely interested in anything that Buck had to say. It helped that Buck was kind of like another kid but watching the way that the two of them got on made Eddie truly believe that Christopher was going to be okay. 

Since Shannon’s death, Eddie hadn’t known quite how to handle Christopher because his grief was just all over the place. It was like he forgot sometimes that his mom was gone. And other times, he was sad and put out and he was just on the side of cranky which wasn’t how Christopher usually was. Eddie tried to talk to him about it and that seemed to help some but Eddie didn’t really know how to deal with it or even his own grief which for the most part he just pushed aside. Being around Buck helped him and Christopher both. 

Working without Buck felt weird. It was like having an entire limb missing. He would go do something and expect Buck to be there at his side but then he wasn’t. Maybe he went over to see Buck so often not just for Buck but for himself too.

The more time he spent showing up at Buck’s apartment, the more used to it that Eddie got. Most days he didn’t even think about driving to his own house and instead was already on his way to Buck’s before he even realized. It was his attachment to his best friend and the weird feeling he got any time that he thought about Ali or saw her when she showed up to visit Buck...it confused him. A part of him figured it was the whole best friend thing. He’d never really had anyone like Buck before. Another part of him told him that it was more than that and that made him a little queasy. 

The others at the 118 seemed to notice how much he missed Buck. Hen approached him about it one afternoon. 

“It’s a little hard. I know. I’m missing him like crazy which I didn’t expect. I mean, every time that Chim’s been gone it’s been a bit hard on me but you just have to remember that you still have the rest of us and he’ll be back soon,” Hen said. 

“Can’t be easy on Buck either,” Chimney added. “It’s boring not having somewhere to be or something to do.”

“Can’t do much on that leg,” Hen said. 

And Buck was one of those people that weren’t content just sitting around so Eddie made it over to Buck’s apartment as often as he could. Sometimes he went on his own with take out and he would join Buck in front of the tv and he would fill him in on the odd calls the team had been on lately. He told him about Bobby and Athena once it got out that they’d gone ahead and gotten married without telling anyone. They watched movies together sometimes, but mostly they just talked. Movies were reserved for when Christopher came with Eddie and Eddie didn’t want Christopher bothering Buck too much when Buck couldn’t walk without his crutches. Not that Buck didn’t try to get around without them. 

He got to know a different Buck in the time that Buck was in his cast. A Buck that was a little whiny and needy because he couldn’t do anything on his own and yet also hated when Eddie tried to help him. Eddie was aware that Maddie was doing the bulk of the cleaning around Buck’s place so whenever he was over he tried to do his best to keep things a bit orderly but Buck hated it. He hated that Eddie wouldn’t let him help even with something as little as washing dishes. But then in the next moment he would whine until Eddie went to the fridge to fetch him a drink. 

Buck would use Eddie as a crutch to get to and from places around the apartment instead of his own crutches and he would get annoyed if Eddie tried to hand him the crutches instead. It was a whole thing and Eddie mostly didn’t mind it even if being so close to Buck made him feel a little weird. 

Still, Eddie kind of loved seeing Buck a bit ruffled and messy wearing shorts all the time because of the cast and t-shirts that were more rumpled and wrinkled than anything else from Buck staying on his couch for hours at a time. 

Sometimes they talked about nothing at all. They gossiped about Maddie and Chim and about how Hen and Karen were going to try and have another kid. 

“I don’t know if I could ever do with another,” Eddie admitted to Buck. 

“Not even if you find the right person? Like say you meet someone tomorrow and she’s wonderful and wants to be Christopher’s mom and all of that but she also wants kids of her own.”

Eddie hadn’t really thought about the idea of moving on in a long while. Back when Shannon first left his sisters had tried to push him to move on from her but it hadn’t felt right when he was still married and when he still had feelings for Shannon. With her gone...Eddie had barely given it a thought. It scared him. He wasn’t ready for it. He couldn’t even begin to imagine letting someone else get close to Christopher in any fashion when they might not be permanent. Christopher didn’t need someone else. He had him and he had — Buck. Buck was the only person outside of his family that he’d allowed to get close to Christopher and Eddie hadn’t even considered it a problem. Buck was Buck and Eddie trusted him. 

“From the look on your face, I guess you don’t want that?”

“Not right now. Maybe not ever,” Eddie said. 

Buck shrugged. “Understandable.”

“Maybe. Or...I don’t know. It’s complicated with a kid. Even more so with a kid like Chris. I could never ask someone to take on that burden—”

“He’s not a burden,” Buck said at once. “Don’t say things like that.”

“I don’t mean that he is. Not to me. But it’s a lot to ask of anyone that isn’t actually related to him. It’s not just me — it’s me and him and not a lot of women would be willing to take that on.” He paused and couldn’t look directly at Buck. “Not even his own mother,” he muttered. 

“Eddie—”

Eddie shook his head. “No. It doesn’t really matter now. Does it? So, what about you, Buck, ever going to find someone to settle down with?” 

Buck shrugged his shoulders and pointed at his leg. “This kind of makes it difficult to meet anyone and I’m not really interested in all of that anyway.”

Eddie thought back to Ali. He’d seen her just a few days ago when he and Christopher arrived to have dinner with Buck. “Still getting over Ali?”

“No. That was never going to work out. We wanted different things. Broke up ages ago.”

The relief that came over him at hearing that was just a bit unexpected, but then Eddie thought that maybe he wanted the solidarity of being single with his best friend. He didn’t want to consider that it was something else. 

It was in the following weeks that Eddie started to notice something — that he looked forward to going over to see Buck as much as he looked forward to seeing Christopher every day after he got off work. Christopher asked about Buck all the time too. He was getting so attached and Eddie was torn between finding it cute and worrying that maybe Buck was just humoring Eddie with his kid. 

“Estas con el Buck a lot, eh, Edmundo,” Abuela said one afternoon when Eddie went to pick up Chris from her house.

[“You’re with Buck a lot, eh, Edmundo”]

Eddie didn’t even know how to respond to how she looked at him, sort of like she’d figured something out and didn’t want to tell him what. 

“Christopher talks about him a lot,” Abuela added. “He called him ‘My Buck’ the other day.”

“Yeah, well, he’s hurt. We visit him a lot,” Eddie said. “He helped me out after Shannon and I just want to help him back.”

“You’re too good, Ed. Too good,” she said but she was eyeing him strangely and Eddie was too tired to ask her why. Or maybe he just didn’t want to know. 

The next time that he was over at Buck’s with Christopher, he tried to watch their interactions a little closer. He was shocked to find that Christopher was comfortable enough with Buck to cuddle with him and that Buck seemed to be able to read Chris perfectly and know when he could try and help him and when to keep away. Christopher had also drawn all over Buck’s cast. They were thick as thieves and Eddie loved it. He loved the way that Chris and Buck high fived when Buck managed to beat Eddie at Mario Kart or how loud Chris would laugh when Buck tickled him. He loved that on movie nights Christopher cuddled up to Buck and that Buck’s fingers would push back Chris’ curls to grab his attention. He couldn’t explain why he loved it so much or why it felt so right. It just did.

A few days before Buck was finally getting his cast off, Eddie arrived at Buck’s apartment sans Christopher holding a bag of Chinese take-out and almost dropped it when he found Buck in the kitchen, shirtless and hobbling from the fridge with a can of coke. 

Eddie had seen Buck in all states of undress but he’d never thought much of it. He’d never appreciated it — appreciated Buck for all that he was. Even after months of doing nothing more than sitting around, Buck was still muscular and lean. He was something to admire and Eddie suddenly realized that in all his years in the army and in locker rooms even as far back as High School that he had avoided looking at the other men or boys. His gaze had averted or stayed firmly trained on their eyes or face if he had to talk to any. Hell, he hadn’t even realized that Buck had tattoos on his chest. He knew about the ones on his arms but Eddie had never even noticed the overlapping shapes right under his right collarbone or the head with an anatomical heart on his lower torso. Buck was something to behold. 

“Eddie?”

Eddie jumped. He had no idea how long he’d been staring. Probably longer than he’d ever meant to. 

“You okay, man?”

“Yes. Fine. I — I’ve never noticed that tattoo.” He pointed at the one on his lower torso. 

Eddie also had never allowed himself to realize that there was something beautiful about the male body. 

“Oh,” Buck said and his fingers touched it. “Yeah. One of my favorites. I got it after I left Seals training because it felt symbolic of who I am but it’s also a reminder of who I want to continue being.”

Eddie moved, then, and he had to restrain himself from walking forward and pressing his fingers to the tattoos. He focused instead on dropping off the food at the table. “Sit. Where are your crutches?”

“Don’t need them,” Buck said. “Anyway this thing is coming off this week.”

“And even then you might still need the crutches,” Eddie pointed out. 

He got busy getting plates for their food while Buck situated himself on a chair and by the time that Eddie was back, he’d pushed aside all the confusing feelings that seeing his best friend with his shirt off had brought out. By the time that they were done eating, Eddie felt like he was back to being himself and he helped Buck back to the couch even when Buck tried to just walk on his own. 

A few days later, Buck sent him a picture of his cast-less leg. The skin looked a little off color and Eddie could see the scarring that the incident and the surgery had left behind, but Buck’s leg looked to be doing fine. 

He and Christopher joined Buck and Carla later that night for a celebratory dinner for once outside of Buck’s apartment. Buck insisted on not needing his crutches but both Carla and Eddie knew better so Eddie made sure to stay close to Buck’s side. He had perfected the practice of hovering around someone to help because of how independent Christopher always wanted to be. Buck at least didn’t seem to want to push himself too much because he leaned into Eddie as they walked from the car to the restaurant and then again on their way out and Eddie tried not to focus on how good Buck smelled or how any part of their bodies that touched felt too warm. 

After the cast came off, Eddie didn’t see Buck as much. Buck spent the bulk of his time at his physical therapy and if not there then pushing himself in other ways. His goal was to get back to work as quickly as possible. Being away from Buck was good, though, it gave Eddie the time to think and consider that maybe he was physically attracted to his best friend. To his male best friend. 

There was nothing wrong with it. Eddie knew there was nothing wrong with it. He just — he’d never expected to feel attraction in that way for a man. But he did. Eddie had no idea what to do about it. 

For one thing, Buck had to be straight. He never talked about boyfriends or hook ups that included men and everyone always mentioned how much of a ladies man Buck was. And then, there was also that Eddie had to admit that before Buck he’d never been interested in another guy so maybe the whole thing was a mistake on his part and more to do with his admiration and friendship with Buck. The worst thing about it was that Eddie had no idea how to deal with any of it. 

The only thing that Eddie thought to do after weeks of thinking about it and trying to pinpoint why every time he saw Buck he got a bit nervous or why any mention of Buck by anyone else made him perk up, was to go to Michael. He was the sole person that might understand Eddie’s predicament. It was Michael or Hen and Eddie was leaning towards Michael. It wasn’t that Hen wasn’t a good friend, it was just that Eddie didn’t think he was comfortable talking to her about something so deep and personal. 

Eddie had never really spoken to Michael. He’d seen him around and they’d said hello to each other a bunch of times but Eddie had never had a proper conversation with him but Athena didn’t question Eddie when Eddie asked for Michael’s number and it took Eddie days to call him and ask him out to lunch. 

“So,” Michael said after they’d sat down and ordered drinks. “I have to say that I’m still trying to figure out what this is about.” 

“I think cutting to the chase is probably best,” Eddie said and he took a deep breath. “I’ve been...I’ve been struggling with something a little. Something personal. I just — it felt like you might be the best person to talk to. Usually I think everyone at the 118 goes to Bobby but I don’t think he would have much to offer when it comes to this so…”

“You think you’re gay,” Michael said and he leaned back in his chair, lips quirking up a bit as he regarded Eddie. 

“I — well, maybe. I don’t know. I was married and I loved Shannon. I mean, I was attracted to her. We have a kid but lately I’ve noticed something about myself and I’m really confused.”

Michael tapped his fingers together and he leaned forward again, eyes regarding him. “Look, no one can tell you what you are. Or what gender you like. That’s something that you figure out on your own. It’s not just gay or straight. No one experiences it the same. None of it is wrong.”

“But how do I know,” Eddie said. “How did you know?” 

“I knew a long time ago. Watching movies or tv-shows my eyes were always drawn to the men. I never understood what other guys saw in the girls they liked. I wasn’t interested. But it was easier to like girls and date girls and I did for a long time. I married Athena and I love her but in the back of my mind it was always a lie. I won’t regret it because May and Harry are attached to all of it but sometimes I wish I had been braver sooner.”

They ordered food and Eddie didn’t even know if he would eat it. His stomach was churning and it felt like it was all suddenly real — like talking to Michael made it real. 

“Here’s my question for you,” Michael said. “Is this about one guy. As in singular. Or is it guys in general.”

“I don’t know,” Eddie said but his mind was back on Buck. Was it just Buck. It could be...maybe.

“That’s what you have to find out. Because even though I’m not straight I made it work with Athena and I love her and always will so all of this is not black and white. It’s a sliding scale.”

Later that night after he tucked Christopher into bed and read to him — just a little distracted — Eddie decided on doing the one thing that might point him in the direction of an answer. He turned to porn. 

Eddie wasn’t fond of porn. He was aware that it was a little strange for a guy to not truly be into porn, but he’d just never seen the whole appeal of watching people have sex. When he was much younger he’d been curious and interested but the interest had died down some probably around the same time that he started having sex. Eddie lost his virginity when he was seventeen. Her name was Eileen and she was his date to prom and the only girl he dated while he was in High School. 

The whole thing had been awkward and Eddie didn’t remember much about the night it happened other than that he’d heavily bruised his knee during and that they continued to have sex that entire summer after their graduation until Eileen left for school in another state. Even after she left Eddie didn’t turn to porn. Instead, he hooked up with another former classmate of his for a while and dated around. Then, Shannon happened. 

He took a look at some straight porn first and it was all cringey. The staged aspect of it, the bad acting, even the lack of interest that some of the porn stars seemed to have for each other. But none of that was important, what Eddie needed to know was if he was actually attracted to both the male and the female in the porno. And...he sort of was. 

There was something to be said about the male form. The long strong lines or their bodies, the way their backside would curve and the hard taut stomachs and flat chests and what lay past the V of their hips — none of it was unappealing. The women were caught his interest too and it was more of what Eddie was used to. He knew women, the trim delicate waists and the curve of their bodies and how sensitive they were. 

Eddie turned to gay porn next and he couldn’t hide from himself his interest...his curiosity. It was different but it didn’t feel wrong. With the men there was both more aggression and yet tenderness too mixed in with the bad acting and the horrible set ups. He didn’t watch more than a few minutes of each video but Eddie knew with complete certainty that there was no possible way he was straight because no straight man would remain entirely hard while watching two men kiss or touch each other. 

Eddie was glad the next morning when Buck texted him to cancel their movie night that night. Chris was disappointed, but Eddie didn’t know if he would be able to look at Buck in the eye without thinking of how he’d spent the night before or how often his thoughts had drifted to thinking about him.

Over the next few days, Eddie tried to act normal. He tried to keep his cool and act like he hadn’t just gone through a paradigm shift but it was hard. It was hard to be out in the world and to not notice everything he hadn’t noticed before like how the barista at the Starbucks he stopped at every morning had a cute smile or how he had to wonder about stubble and what it might feel like to kiss someone with a beard because facial hair was a thing and Eddie quite liked it. It took him a while to realize that he was maybe thinking about that because the last few times he’d seen Buck he was a bit on the stubbly side. 

Eddie was definitely attracted to men. He was also definitely attracted to Buck. There was also nothing that would come of his newfound information because it changed nothing...Eddie was definitely not a romantic relationship and Christopher probably wouldn’t be ready either. 

He kept hanging out with Buck and it got easier. Eddie couldn’t help but notice when Buck’s shoulder would bump his or want to hold on longer whenever they hugged. He couldn’t help but linger at Buck’s apartment or hope that Buck would stay a while when they were at his house. Christopher always helped in that respect. 

It all came to a head on the night of Buck’s surprise party. It was Hen’s idea and between her and Athena and Bobby they set up the whole thing and got Maddie involved. Eddie was the one to find out when Buck’s test would be and they planned the party accordingly with Chim going as far as to order two different cakes for either outcome even if they all already knew that Buck was going to get reinstated and that things would go back to normal. Eddie couldn’t wait until they did. 

Christopher had spent the majority of the afternoon leading up to the party drawing Buck a card. It had to be perfect. Eddie really loved his kid. He also loved how touched Buck seemed by it when Chris presented it to him. Eddie had watched him fold it and put it away carefully in a pocket. He wouldn’t be surprised if he saw the card again hanging on Buck’s fridge. 

When Buck arrived, Eddie had been right at the front of the crowd with Christopher and he was one of the first to receive Buck, wrapping him in a tight hug that felt too wonderful to end. It took everything to pull back and let Buck move on to the others and it was as his gaze fell away from Buck that he found Hen watching him. 

It was much later when Buck was busy talking to Chim and Maddie and Eddie was keeping an eye on Christopher that she approached him and handed him a fresh beer. 

“So,” Hen said, “when are you going to take your eyes off of him?”

“Christopher?”

Hen snorted. “Can you tell me where your son is in this room right now?”

Eddie looked to where Chris had been the last time he looked but he wasn’t there. He was — he was with Harry and Denny and Eddie hadn’t even seen him walk off. 

“I—”

“Your eyes have not strayed from Buck since he got here. Not even now when we’re on the other side of the room. So, what is that about, Eddie?”

Hen was giving her the “do not bullshit me” look and Eddie knew that there was only so much that he could probably hide from her. 

Of course, that was when Buck had moved on to talk to Bobby and he suddenly started coughing and holding his chest and everyone’s eyes turned to Buck as his mouth seemed to fill up with blood and he was coughing it up. His whole face had gone pale and Bobby was shouting for Hen and as far as reprives came, this was not one that Eddie was happy to get. 

Someone called for an ambulance. Hen and Chimney were at Buck’s side on the ground. There were blood stains on his mouth and chin and he was passed out on the ground but at least Hen could assure them that there was a pulse. 

Buck was supposed to be back to normal health. He was supposed to be back at work the next day. Eddie was supposed to have more time to figure out what he felt for him...but the fear that hit him at seeing Buck on the ground was worse than anything. Maybe the easiest comparison was how he’d felt the day that Shannon died and what it had been like to see her on that stretcher. The panic and the pain and the desperation...

He loved him. Eddie loved him. Eddie was in love with him. With Buck. With his best friend. But it didn’t matter...loving him meant that the only thing that mattered was being able to keep him in any possible way even if that meant that Eddie could never tell him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it...Eddie finally realizing what he’s feeling. I have a lot of thoughts about Eddie and his sexuality. 
> 
> Next one we’re back with Buck. Thanks to everyone reading
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/189715063822/next-to-me-7).


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a while, I know. I got sidetracked by writing a [Buddie Soulmate AU](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21973711) (check it out if you haven’t already) and of course the holidays kept me busy. Hope everyone had a good Holiday and Happy New Year. 
> 
> Enjoy.

Being in the hospital confined to a bed and with his future as a firefighter up in the air, Buck felt that his annoyance and grumpiness was warranted. He just wasn’t a sedentary person and being told that he wouldn’t be able to do much of anything for months left Buck reeling. Maddie tried to deal with it by reminding him that he was alive and that he would walk again and that there were a million and one things that he could do. She didn’t get it. 

Bobby told him to be patient. 

“You’re young and resilient, Buck,” he told him. 

Chim was probably the only one to understand the pain of being out of the job for a good chunk of time. Hen seemed to agree with Bobby.

Eddie for his part just assured Buck that they would all be there waiting for his return. Eddie didn’t seem to even want to consider that it was possible Buck wouldn’t be able to return. He had this oddly optimistic outlook and Buck resented him for it a bit because the doctors weren’t as optimistic. 

Ali was the only one that actually asked him if he would ever do anything else...if the incident made him afraid of going back. Ali didn’t get it. Maybe it was that she didn’t understand the life of a first responder that made the two of them not quite fit together. She didn’t get that for Buck, this job was the first time that he felt like he was making a difference. That it was the first place where he felt right and like he wasn’t wasting his life unsure of what he actually wanted. 

His favorite visitors while he was at the hospital were Eddie and Christopher. Christopher just had a joy about him that made it a little easier to not be so unhappy and seeing Eddie never failed to make him smile. Buck’s crush was still very much a thing and Eddie did not make it any easier with the way he worried and how much he tried to help him. But at least, Eddie was looking happier and back to normal even if Buck could still see the mark that Shannon had left on him. 

Buck was selfish enough to allow himself to be glad that Eddie wouldn’t be moving on with anyone new any time soon. It would happen someday, but for the moment Buck was happy to not have to witness it. 

Once he was released from the hospital and back in his apartment, it was a little bit easier. He was going to be confined to his couch for a while, but being home was better. Maddie had asked if he wanted to stay with her but Buck wanted his apartment and his stuff. He didn’t want Maddie to hover over him and nurse him. It was bad enough that she’d gone and made a copy of the key to his apartment so she could show up whenever she pleased.

Buck was glad that he’d bought a comfortable couch and that everything other than his bed was accessible to him on the first floor. At least, he was glad for a while, until he started to grow bored of being on his couch all the time. There were only so many video games he could play and shows that he could binge. 

It wasn’t that his friends and Maddie didn’t come over when they could — it was that they all had lives to lead. Bobby was back as Captain and that meant that he was always busy but he stopped by with food at least once a week. Athena often showed up with him. 

Hen showed up occasionally, bringing him stories from the latest calls and how much better things were with Chimney no longer in charge. She told him all about their new ladder truck, too.

Chimney showed up with Maddie all the time and it was nice to see them reconnecting. 

Carla was both a friend and a home aid for him, helping him with anything that he might need and also trying to keep his spirits up because it was with Carla that Buck shared his fears about not being able to return to the 118. 

“You’re worrying for nothing, Buck,” Carla said whenever Buck brought it up. 

“I’m worried I won’t get to do what I love.”

The best nights were definitely the ones when Eddie and Christopher visited. Christopher seemed to be under strict orders to not bother Buck too much so he’d color silently or would sit next to Buck to watch a movie. 

On one of the first nights, Eddie came on his own with a pizza and after seeing Buck struggle with opening the door for him, he demanded a key of his own. 

“And use your crutches,” Eddie said. “It’s like I have two of you now.”

Buck shrugged him off and hobbled his way into the kitchen and up on a barstool. “So, you brought me dinner.”

“Yes. Figured you might need it.”

Buck grinned. “I won’t say no to pizza.”

Hanging out with Eddie was when he felt the lightest. He and Eddie could talk about anything and everything and it was easy. Buck wasn’t someone that ever held back. He spoke freely with everyone and anyone but with Eddie he never felt like there was anything that he truly needed to hide. The only thing that Buck kept from him was his crush — his crush that grew and grew with every second spent with Eddie especially when they were alone. That...and Buck’s sexuality. It just felt strange to bring it up now when Buck didn’t think that it actually mattered much. 

“So, I actually came to tell you that I’m finally getting my shield. This weekend. I hope you’ll be there,” Eddie told him. 

“Of course I will,” Buck said. “That’s — I didn’t realize it’d been that long.”

“Well, it has,” Eddie said. “And I invited my family so they’ll be there. Maybe it will make them understand why I want to stay here. Mom keeps calling me and trying to guilt me into moving back but maybe if she sees the difference I’m making here she’ll let it go.” 

“We can’t have that,” Buck said in all seriousness. 

“I won’t be leaving any time soon,” Eddie assured him. “If ever.”

“Good,” Buck said. He didn’t know what he would do if Eddie and Christopher ever left LA. 

Maddie thought that he was being silly about wanting to go to the ceremony when he was still recovering. She thought he was being stupid about wanting another surgery to make his recovery time faster too but when he’d gone to see the doctor last and he was told that his recovery would take longer, Buck wanted any other option that meant he was back with his team faster. 

Eddie’s Aunt Pepa stopped by Buck’s table when she arrived and Eddie’s Abuela followed soon after. They both asked after his leg and seemed worried enough but neither of Eddie’s parents even said hello to him. Granted, they only really spoke to Bobby and that was because Eddie had made a point of introducing them. 

Getting to hug Eddie after the ceremony and being around the people he considered family made him for once feel like things weren’t so bad. He’d be back around them soon enough. He had to believe that it would happen. 

Christopher held his attention too and how sweet and wonderful he was. Buck had almost teared up watching him bring the helmet to Eddie. He thought that maybe they all had. 

After the ceremony was over and everyone was mingling, Buck found himself with Chim and Hen. Eddie was with his parents and Bobby and it did seem like Eddie’s parents were getting why Eddie wanted to stay going by their smiles. 

He and Hen talked about how he was healing and Chim brought up the surgery he’d mentioned to Maddie. Hen, as it turned out, was on Maddie’s side. 

“You have to give yourself the time to heal, Buck. If you don’t, it will only be worse. You’re smart. You know all this.”

He didn’t get to respond because Bobby showed up, then, clapping him on the shoulder. 

“It’s good to see you in the uniform again.”

“Yeah, well,” Buck said and he grinned. 

A little while later, Eddie brought him some water and sat down. “Probably time for your medicine, man.” 

Buck would have probably forgotten. 

“What, did Maddie text you?”

“No, I know you.” 

Eddie’s mom approached them. 

“Mom, you remember Buck,” Eddie said. 

“Hi, Mrs. Diaz,” Buck said and he grinned at her. She smiled back but Buck could tell that it was just a little strained and she only passed Eddie his phone before she left them again. 

Buck was good at telling when someone didn’t like him and Eddie’s mom did not like him. Buck had no idea why, but it was obvious. Eddie, if he had noticed, didn’t even bother mentioning it. Instead, he made sure that Buck took his pills and then he had to leave Buck when someone was calling him to take a picture. 

As happy as he felt around his family, by the end of the celebration when he was leaving, it left a bitter taste in his mouth knowing it would still be a while before he could return. After the cast was off he was in for a lot of physical therapy and even more hard work to get back to work. It all seemed daunting but it was not worse than anything else that Buck had gone through before. He just needed the time to pass faster. 

The next few weeks settled into a pattern of sorts with Maddie and Eddie coming and going. It was either they were bringing him food or just stopping by to see him. Maddie showed up on Tuesdays specifically to clean up after him no matter how much he tried to stop her. Eddie was always there after his shifts on Thursday nights and whenever else he could. Christopher nearly always came with Eddie and Buck had really gotten to bond with the little boy. 

They were fast friends and Chris seemed to love listening to Eddie nagging at Buck to use his crutches. 

“He does it to me too,” he whispered to Buck one night. 

“He’s a worrywart, your dad,” Buck whispered back making Christopher throw his head back and laugh. 

Christopher laughing was one of Buck’s favorite sounds. 

“But come on, buddy, what movie are we watching tonight?”

Buck discovered fairly quickly that Christopher was a cuddler and that once Buck had gained his trust, that Christopher had no shame in snuggling into his side. Buck loved it. He really did love kids and this one in particular had crawled into his heart to remain there possibly forever and Buck didn’t mind it at all. Eddie seemed to think that it was hilarious but Buck could tell that he was fine with it and that after everything with Shannon he maybe appreciated the distraction that Buck could offer. Christopher never talked about his mom unless something reminded him of her and Buck had noticed that it was almost with a guilty look that he ever said anything and it was always a whisper and always said to Buck. 

“My mommy loved this movie,” he said when they watched Stuart Little. And, “She really liked berries” when the two of them shared a bowl of blueberries and blackberries. It was almost like Christopher was trying to make sure that he would remember all those little facts. 

It wasn’t entirely odd how when they were over, Buck felt the most at peace and like the world as a whole was right. Sitting on his couch with Chritopher pressed to his side and Eddie on Christopher’s other side just felt right. 

It was on one of the nights with Eddie and Christopher that Buck found out that Bobby and Athena had gone and gotten married already.

“Everyone’s been giving them a hard time about the lack of reception,” Eddie said. “I’m sure they’ll want to hear it from you as well.”

“So, I better be quick about getting better,” Buck said.

Eddie shook his head. “No, Buck, you have to give it time.”

That’s what everyone kept telling him. 

Buck’s cast eventually did come off. He was going to have scarring from both the surgery and the accident but the doctor was sure that his leg was going to be fine — even for work. Buck was more than ready to start his physical therapy even if his doctor told him not to rush things. It was a step closer to getting back to his normal life and his family and Buck wanted time to move faster. 

The next few weeks felt like they dragged — it was worse than the months with the cast on. The worst part about it was that everyone else seemed to get busier than ever and Buck went days without seeing anyone from the 118. Eddie made it over at least once a week and they had a standing movie night with Christopher. Maddie was over all the time still and she was the one that took him to his physical therapy twice weekly. 

It took time, but slowly Buck got use of his leg back. Being able to walk and move around came first even if he still had to be careful with overdoing it. Eventually, he had a clean bill of health. For Buck that meant that he jumped right into training. One of the things he’d missed while being on his couch for months was working out. He needed to be back in shape to get back to work. Due to the amount of time he’d been gone and his injury, Buck couldn’t just get his spot back in the 118, he had to prove that he — and his leg — could still do it and so he had to get tested again to get reinstated. He even managed to do the test in record time. 

He called Maddie when it was over and ignored the twinge that his leg gave him. Maybe he’d pushed himself a little too hard and pulled something but Buck didn’t want to make a big deal of it because he was fine. He was closer than ever to getting back to normal. 

Before Buck could even tell her, she jumped right in. “So good you called, Buck. I forgot to tell you that Bobby invited us to dinner tonight,” Maddie said. 

“That’s good because then I can tell Bobby I’ll be back to work as soon as all the paperwork goes through,” Buck said and he felt giddy. 

“You passed!”

“I passed.”

Buck should have known that things weren’t going to be so easy. They never seemed to be. Buck hadn’t expected the surprise — to find everyone there at Bobby and Athena’s house. Even Christopher stood there with his crutches shouting “surprise” at him and it felt like he was finally back with his family again. He hadn’t seen them all together since the day Eddie got his firefighter shield. Maddie seemed to be in on it, but it was Eddie that reached him first and pulled him into a hard and tight hug, 

Eddie’s hand on his waist burned because Buck knew it was there, his fingers were so strong and they splayed out right over his ribs and Buck wanted the moment to last forever but Eddie let go and then Buck was hugged by Bobby. 

Everyone gave him some sort of hug or greeting and Buck finally felt right. Christopher caught up to him eventually with Eddie at his side and Buck was surprised when Christopher had a hand drawn card for him. He looked nervous as Buck read it and Buck felt absolutely touched. 

Afterwards, Buck didn’t even remember what happened...one minute he was eating cake and laughing with Maddie and Chim and then he was talking to Bobby and he started to feel a little weird. His chest was a little tight. The next thing he knew was that he was on the ground and after that, waking up at the hospital. 

A blood clot. Multiple blood clots. 

Maddie was pissed at him, he could tell, and the hope he’d had about getting to return to work faded as the doctor told him that he was going to have to stay overnight. It got even worse once it became clear that they couldn’t figure out why he had blood clots in the first place. 

The worst moment came when Bobby showed up to see him the next day and he explained that Buck wouldn’t be cleared to work just yet. The prospect of light duty and being behind a desk — getting stuck doing that work forever just because someone thought that him being on blood thinners made him a liability — wasn’t one he wanted to face. He didn’t want that. 

The entire time that he’d been out with his leg in a cast and then physical therapy, Buck had mostly held on to the hope that once he was back to normal things would go back to normal. To hear otherwise finally brought out all the feelings of being useless back. He was losing what he was good at — the thing that made him who he was. 

When he was finally discharged, he got back to his apartment and did the only thing that he thought to do and he climbed into his bed and went to sleep and maybe a part of him hoped that when he woke up the next morning that things would be different and he only dreamed all the things that went wrong for him. 

Nothing was different the next day. Instead, he had more pills to take and no job to get back to. 

Buck ordered food when his stomach growled and he ignored Maddie when she tried to get him to see a bright side and find something else for him to do. 

The thing was that before he became a firefighter there was nothing else that gave him the kind of joy it did — or that gave him people that he cared about. Buck had had many jobs and none were anything like what being a firefighter felt like. He knew Maddie meant well with how often she texted him ideas on what he could do next. He settled for muting her texts and putting on The Great British Bake-Off because it was the one show he hadn’t gotten to when he had the cast on. 

It went on day after day. Maddie showed up in person on her day off but Buck just ignored her. It was easier. She left after a while. 

“I will allow this for a week or two but after that you have to do something other than hide away and be a baby about this,” she said to him before she left. 

Buck didn’t really care what she thought and instead he dragged his blanket to the couch and he laid down and paid attention as Paul Hollywood gave one of the bakers an intimidating glance. It was so much easier to let himself pay attention to the competition at hand instead of anything else. A few days later he ran out of episodes. He turned to other cooking shows. 

Buck shouldn’t have been surprised that Eddie showed up eventually. Buck had forgotten that Eddie had a key and that his best friend wouldn’t leave him be like Maddie did. He would push him. 

He showed up bright and early and annoyed Buck until he got out of bed and then he started pushing, trying to get Buck to get over what he was going through but Eddie didn’t get it. He didn’t understand that Buck had nothing if he didn’t have his job. Buck might have argued more with him but then he spotted Christopher and Buck figured that Eddie had to know that Buck wouldn’t argue with Christopher present. 

He didn’t expect for Eddie to announce that Christopher was hanging out with him for the day. Buck had never spent any time with Christopher on his own. Eddie was usually always with them and most of the time he’d spent with Christopher was in his own apartment when he couldn’t do much because of his leg.

“Take him out. Have some fun. Maybe you’ll learn something,” Eddie said and then rather pointedly, “he never feels sorry for himself.”

Looking at Christopher sitting on his couch with his expectant smile Buck knew they couldn’t stay in.

“So, what do you like to do for fun?” 

“Lots of things,” Christopher said. 

Buck nodded. Eddie really hadn’t given him any instructions other than wanting to push Buck into leaving the apartment and learning something from Christopher. 

“First off, are you hungry, kid?” Buck asked.

“Didn’t eat breakfast yet,” Christopher answered, his head tilting to the side as he looked at Buck. 

He hadn’t left his apartment in a week, ever since he’d returned from the hospital. In an attempt to get him to leave Maddie had refused to bring him groceries and Buck had been strictly ordering delivery. 

“And what do you want to eat?” Buck asked.

“Daddy and I usually have cereal,” Christopher said. 

Buck didn’t think he even had milk. 

“Okay, so how about you watch some cartoons and I get dressed and we go out to eat? How does that sound, buddy?” 

“We can get waffles!”

Buck chuckled and he nodded. “Sure.”

After breakfast he had no idea how he was going to entertain Christopher, but he supposed that there were plenty of things to do but maybe something easy and simple would do. He took pictures of him and Christopher while at the restaurant and sent one to Eddie to show that they’d left the house. He looked up movie times to see if there was anything he could take Chris to but he couldn’t find anything kid friendly that he wouldn’t be bored at so he asked Chris what he liked to do.

“I haven’t gone to the beach in a while,” Chris said. 

Buck had the vivid image of Eddie sitting on an almost empty beach, his shoulders shaking. Buck remembered feeling like he was imposing by sticking around and yet like leaving was exactly the wrong thing to do. Maybe Eddie hadn’t gone back to the beach since and neither had Christopher. 

“Okay, Chris. How about the pier? There’s games and rides. How about it?” 

Christopher nodded eagerly and Buck grinned back at him. 

There was very little that Christopher didn’t want to do or try as Buck soon found out and he was surprisingly fast on his crutches when he was excited. He was a fun kid to hang out with and everything seemed to just bring him joy. Buck felt like all the despair he’d been feeling wasn’t at the forefront of his thoughts. Christopher got him out of his head and made him focus on something else. 

They went on a few rides, played a few of the rigged games, managed to win a bear, Chris even convinced him to get cotton candy, and Buck was only reminded of the longing pang to be back at work when he spotted a few firefighters on a call. At least it wasn’t anyone he knew but it did make him long for the uniform and the job. Christopher gave him a different perspective — watching him was eye opening especially because he had this way of looking at the world with hope and optimism and Buck had lost that with his leg injury. And maybe Eddie was right and he had to stop feeling sorry for himself. 

Talking to Christopher made him consider things a little differently especially when Chris turned away from looking at the water to touch his chin. 

“You’ll be okay, kid,” he said in that wise way of his. 

Things went downhill from there and it took Buck too long to realize what was happening once he saw that all the water that usually sat around the pier had been pulled back into the ocean. Then, it was chaos and everyone was running and Buck felt like his heart was going to beat right out of his chest. He held onto Christopher tightly as he ran. 

The next few minutes happened fast. The water hit and he was thrown about, he knew he didn’t have Christopher. The whole of it was disorienting and the water just kept coming at him along with everything else that was floating around him. He made it out somehow and the nearest thing he could grab was a string of lights. His first thought was finding Christopher. 

He got lucky and managed to find and get to Christopher and then they found a ladder truck and for a little while they just sat there and Buck couldn’t help but keep touching Chris to reassure himself that the boy was there. That he was okay. 

Of course, that didn’t last. It was later, when the water was returning back out to sea that Chris was knocked over and Buck couldn’t find him. He couldn’t find him anywhere. 

Buck was sure that it was adrenaline that kept him going and kept him searching and yelling for him. Finding Christopher’s glasses almost made him panic but he kept going caring little for any of the bruises and scrapes that he was covered in. Buck couldn’t believe it. He didn’t know how he would tell Eddie. 

The day wore on and on and Buck was losing hope. Nobody had seen him. Nobody could tell him anything. Buck kept searching. 

He wound up at the place where all the injured were being taken and he tried to figure out if somehow Christopher had made it there too and felt immediately crushed when someone told him to check the morgue. 

All the nurses and other medics kept eyeing him. He was covered in scratches and there was a t-shirt wrapped around a cut on his arm that due to his blood thinners hadn’t wanted to stop bleeding. Then of course was everything else that had stuck to him from the water. Buck probably wasn’t okay, bue he was going to be much worse if he didn’t find Christopher. 

It all started to catch up to him. His injuries, his fear of not finding Chris, everything that happened that day, and the knowledge that if he didn’t find Chris that he would have to tell Eddie and how that would absolutely tear him apart. Tear them apart. He would never be able to look at Eddie again without the guilt of letting this happen to Christopher far from his mind. Buck would be perfectly okay with Eddie hating him...mostly because Buck would hate himself more. 

Someone let him borrow a phone and the only number he had memorized was Maddie’s so she was the one he called. She picked up at once and Buck let it out. He told her everything, leaving out nothing and getting so frustrated that Maddie didn’t seem to be understanding what he was telling her. Buck didn’t expect to see Eddie. But of course he was there — he had probably been out there all day rescuing people. Buck should have been at his side. If he had been with the 118 then Christopher would have never been at the pier. 

Maddie was trying to get him to go and tell Eddie but what Buck needed to do was go and find Christopher. Buck had to believe that Christopher was out there somewhere and that he was okay. It didn’t matter to Buck what kind of state he was in because that mattered more. 

He kept himself out of the way, eyes darting about to see if somehow he’d missed something around him that could point him to Chris. He didn’t expect Eddie to see him first and for him to call his name. 

It was one of the worst moments. Worse than even being pinned down by a truck. Eddie was looking at him confused and worried and he was asking about Christopher and Buck hated himself — he hated himself for not being able to keep Christopher safe. It was the least that he could have done, but he hadn’t even managed that. 

He was trying to explain but the words were hard to get out and Eddie stood in front of him looking like he wanted a hole to open up in the ground and swallow him whole. He was shaking with emotion that he didn’t want to let out and Buck wished that Eddie would say something...anything...because for the longest time he was just silent. Tears were welling up in his eyes and he had his lips pressed together so tight and Buck had no idea how Eddie managed to keep it together because he couldn’t. Buck had never been able to hide his emotions. He wasn’t wired that way but Eddie...Eddie was different. 

Eddie wasn’t even meeting his eyes and Buck knew that nothing was going to be the same after this. He was looking over Buck’s shoulder and Buck kept trying to form coherent sentences. To say anything to offer comfort or to explain exactly what happened but he couldn’t form the words. 

When Eddie finally spoke it was to say, “Christopher” and then he was pushing past Buck and when Buck turned, Eddie was rushing towards a woman with a child. A child that was definitely Christopher. 

It was Christopher. Christopher was okay. 

Relief hit him, that and everything else that he had been avoiding. He watched wordlessly as Eddie took Chris from the woman and watched the father and son. He ignored Chim calling his name and then Bobby and Hen were there — his family were all there. But Christopher was okay. He was alive and he was okay and he was there and...and Buck could finally feel everything else. His sheer exhaustion and the stinging pain from all the cuts and bruises that he’d ignored over the course of the day. 

Eddie looked back at him but Buck had no idea what he saw in his best friend’s eyes. He just knew that Christopher was okay. He was okay and he was safe in Eddie’s arms. Buck wobbled on his feet and it was lucky that Hen, Chim, and Bobby were there to catch him. 

Later, much later, once he’d been patched up, he saw Eddie leaving with Christopher in his arms. He didn’t even bother to call out to them because he had no idea what Eddie might have to say to him. Buck had lost Christopher and then failed to find him. He’s screwed up. 

“Eddie wouldn’t leave until he knew you were going to be okay,” Maddie told him afterwards. “And Chris is fine. A few scrapes and bruises but nothing major.”

Buck didn’t know what to say. 

“Come on, I’ll take you home,” Maddie said. 

The whole day changed his perspective. He could have died at the pier. Christopher could have died. Maybe there were worse things that could happen than Buck never getting to be a firefighter again. Worse things like the possibility that Eddie wouldn’t want him to see Christopher again or that Christopher would hate Buck for not being able to find him. 

Maddie didn’t press him to tell her everything that happened, at least, but she seemed to get that it had been a hard day — one that came after a lot of other hard things. After she left him at his apartment, Buck distracted himself by watching more cooking shows. Sleep came to him only because he was so tired but he was up early the next morning. 

The last thing he expected was to see Christopher and Eddie at his door the next morning. Eddie actually knocked instead of letting himself in, but better than that was how Christopher hugged him before he walked in and how Eddie just dived right in setting Christopher’s backpack down and mentioning something about snacks and coloring books and leggos and Buck didn’t know what he was witnessing. 

Eddie directed Christopher towards the couch and Chris just walked right on in as if everything was normal. Buck had no idea what to say. But Eddie was there in front of him looking as sincere as ever and not letting Buck take the blame. 

“Buck, there’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you.”

Buck didn’t know what to say. No words came forward and he watched as Eddie hugged his son goodbye and then he was walking towards the door but he paused with the door open and Buck had no idea how to take Eddie in that moment. 

“Oh, um, thank you. For not giving up,” Eddie said and then left at last and he probably had no idea how much all of it meant to Buck. 

It felt like the single one thing that Buck needed to hear. He turned to Christopher who was waiting by the tv and who was alive and well and someone that Buck loved because Eddie was not wrong about that. Buck did love Christopher — would do anything for him. And maybe not just for Christopher but for Eddie as well. The prospect of not getting to see him had been eating at him and then there was how he’d resigned himself to missing Eddie, too. But he wasn’t going to have to miss them at all. 

“So, Chris, what should we do today? You want to just stay in? I think we’ve had more than enough excitement.”

“We can color,” Christopher said. “Or legos.”

“Sure, buddy,” Buck said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re moving steadily on through things in this chapter. I have to say that this is not my favorite. It was not my favorite to write and it was a bit of a mess to edit but we’ve made it. I began this fic with Buck being the easier one to write but Eddie has become easier somehow. Next chapter we get back to Eddie. I still have to edit next chapter and I haven’t gotten very far on ch. 10 so I have no idea when I will update but only that it is coming. Thank you to everyone reading. 
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/190001571657/next-to-me-8).


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just say that I have been very busy. I’ve been busy working on getting my book published by taking the step of trying to find an agent. And I keep finding myself writing other things. But I’m trying to get back into working on this and not getting distracted by plot bunnies. But I have no time frame for when the next chapter will go up. In the meanwhile enjoy this one. :)

It took Eddie almost a full week — after he was sure that Buck was going to be okay and after he settled on not letting anything change just because he had emotions that were a little unexpected and that would only create problems — before Eddie saw Buck again. He didn’t see Buck at all despite how much he wanted to for what felt like one of the longest weeks of his life. It didn’t help that Chris was worried about Buck because of course Chris had been present when Buck collapsed. 

With all of that his conversation with Hen was forgotten and the focus was on Buck and how he wasn’t coming back to work. Buck had even gone and done something impulsive and quit entirely rather than do a desk job and Eddie didn’t know if he should be annoyed by that response or if he understood where Buck was coming from.

Dealing with his own stuff meant that Eddie hadn’t even known about Buck’s decision to not leave his apartment or do anything after getting discharged until Chim filled them in and then he knew that he had to do something about it. When Carla told him her husband had surprised her with a vacation and she was ready to forgo it because it was so last minute and it was clear that Eddie needed her, Eddie had assured her he would figure it out even if it meant that Abuela was going to be with Chris on her own. But then, an idea formed. 

Christopher was missing Buck and Buck needed the perspective that Chris had to offer. Bobby seemed to think it was a good idea and Hen agreed. 

So one morning, he and Chris got up earlier than usual and Eddie had to bribe Christopher with seeing Buck to get him to get out of bed and dressed. Then they were on their way. 

Eddie did knock a couple of times to no response, so then he just let himself and Chris in and wasn’t surprised when he didn’t see Buck anywhere.

“How about you get the tv on and watch some cartoons while I go wake up Buck?”

“Okay,” Christopher said and Eddie watched him make his way to Buck’s couch and find the remote. 

Eddie really did have the best kid.

“Be right back, kid.”

He went up the stairs and found Buck buried under his blankets and Eddie felt only a little bad about waking him up but he had to head out for work soon if he was planning on not being late and he couldn’t just leave Christopher on his own while Buck slept the day away. 

It hit him again in the time that it took Eddie to get Buck to finally get out of bed, watching him get progressively more annoyed. At the very least Buck has done him the favor of wearing a shirt to bed because that would have been a worse distraction. The only thing that got Eddie to keep his cool was his annoyance at how Buck was just giving up. One setback — and Eddie knew it was a bad one — but it had made him quit and give up and pity himself in the worst way and that was not the Buck that Eddie knew. The one he loved. And maybe he needed the push to not wallow in self-pity and Eddie was hoping that bringing Christopher into it would do that. 

By the time that he was back in his car, Eddie allowed himself to feel some doubt. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Buck with Chris. He absolutely did...but he’d also never left Christopher with Buck completely on their own and especially not when Buck was in a funk. He had to hope that he was doing the right thing.

The beginning of the day was normal. They had a few calls and things felt weird without Buck when he should have been with them. Things also felt weird because Eddie really couldn’t stop thinking about him. When he got the alert on his phone that there was a tsunami, Eddie didn’t even worry about Christopher because he was with Buck and there was no one that Eddie would trust more with his son. Eddie didn’t even worry when Buck didn’t respond when Eddie texted him to let him know that Eddie wouldn’t be getting off work when he was supposed to. It was all hands on deck. 

Eddie didn’t have time to worry about anything other than work over the next few hours. Everything was a bit chaotic and the worst of it was seeing all the bodies in the water. He didn’t even want to imagine how many people it was. He focused on helping where he could instead and it wasn’t until they had rescued a bunch of people from the ferris wheel at the pier that he even thought about calling Buck again. It wasn’t even that he was worried about Christopher and Buck but that he figured that Chris would be worried especially after Shannon. He wanted to check in and make sure that Christopher knew he was okay. 

Buck didn’t answer when he called. It went straight to voicemail so he left a message and got onto the truck with Bosko, the firefighter they encountered at the ferris wheel. 

She was sitting stiffly and trying to hide her pain and after Eddie sent a text for good measure he tried to distract her but he could see her worry for her Captain eating away at her and Eddie got it because if it had been Bobby that was missing in action, Eddie would have been worried and willing to do anything to find him — really anyone on the team. 

It was slow going with all the water and how much was blocked off but they were dropped off on dry land and then walked some of the way there. By the time they arrived, it had gotten darker and still rescues were ongoing and Eddie could tell that Lena was just about ready to bolt the moment that he left her. Eddie didn’t plan on letting that happen. He liked Lena Bosko. She was tough and he’d seen her in action and he could also tell that she didn’t care one bit about her own injuries. She probably wouldn’t stop until she collapsed or found her Captain. Eddie sort of admired that but his job was to at least get Bosko some medical attention. 

Eddie got busy for a while helping where he could and he only saw Lena again when she had been checked out and she was ready to head out again. He was talking to her when he spotted Athena apparently with Lena’s Captain. 

“Crazy day,” Eddie said.

“Yeah, you can say that again,” Athena said and rushed off again. 

Eddie turned to help a woman that had just arrived. The whole place was a bit chaotic but Eddie was used to that so he went where he could and helped in any way that he could even if sometimes it just meant calming someone down because they weren’t actually injured. 

A few minutes later, he heard Bobby’s voice and was heading out to help but then the last person he expected to see was in front of him. Buck. Buck who was supposed to be with Christopher. 

“Buck? Wait...what are you doing here?”

Buck wasn’t with Christopher...Eddie searched for him in the vicinity and he was nowhere to be found and Buck looked like he’d been through hell. 

“Are you okay? Where’s Christopher?”

Buck and Christopher were supposed to be safe...they were supposed to be nowhere near any of this and Eddie had counted on that. Watching Buck fall apart in front of him, the redness in his eyes and the way that he was shaking and not quite meeting his eyes told him everything that Eddie needed to know. 

Buck had a cut on his face and some makeshift bandage on his arm was covered in dirt and blood and who knew what else and around his neck were Chris’ glasses but Buck took them off and he held them like they were the most important thing in the world. Then, Buck started to explain and Eddie hadn’t known. He hadn’t known that while he was happily showing off the picture Buck sent him and trying not to admire it too much, that Buck had been at the pier with Chris and that when Eddie heard about the tsunami and knew it was going to be a long shift that he’d been grateful to know that his kid was in good hands. He hadn’t known...he hadn’t been worried. Eddie hadn’t known that he had to worry. 

He felt like such a fool for thinking that Christopher was fine the entire day...and there stood Buck and Eddie had no idea how he was still standing and Eddie barely heard any of his words and how he was stuttering and trying to say it because his mind was already imagining the worst. Buck had Chris’ glasses. 

Eddie was bracing himself for it, trying to hold on and not fall apart but he had no idea if he could even respond and he was torn in two. He was torn in focusing on Christopher...on his son not being there...but then there was Buck and he loved Buck but he was in no state to help anyone let alone himself and then Eddie looked over Buck’s shoulder.

He didn’t believe his eyes at first but Eddie knew that shirt. He knew that boy. He was—

“Christopher,” Eddie whispered.

Buck looked devastated and Eddie moved past him, calling out for his son because it was him. It was Christopher. Christopher was okay. 

Eddie held Christopher against him. He was there. He was okay. When Eddie looked back at Buck, Buck was on the ground but Hen, Chim, and Bobby were there and they would take care of him. Eddie needed to take care of Christopher. 

Christopher was cleared and aside from some bruising he was fine. The doctor that looked him over told Eddie he was free to take him home, but Eddie couldn’t leave without knowing that Buck was fine too even if he couldn’t quite face him yet not after what the last half hour had been like because if Eddie took the time to think about it, he didn’t know if he could handle it because if things had gone differently the day might have ended with Eddie losing both his son and Buck. 

“None of this was his fault,” Bobby said when Eddie was getting ready to go. 

“I know.”

He could see the relief on Bobby’s face and Eddie figured he should clarify. “It could have happened to anyone. Even me. I don’t blame him.”

“Good,” Bobby said. “Apparently they got separated and Buck wouldn’t give up trying to find him.”

Of course he hadn’t. Buck hadn’t given up. 

“No wonder he was so...he’s going to be okay?” Eddie hadn’t even let himself worry too much about that...had put it out of his mind because that was strain that he didn’t need. 

“Yes. They’ll let him leave in an hour or so.”

Eddie nodded “Good. Good.” He gathered up Christopher. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Cap. I should get him home.”

That night was hard. Christopher was exhausted which was probably the only reason that he fell asleep without too much protesting. For Eddie it was harder. He didn’t want to take his eyes off of Christopher and worse, it took everything in him to not call Buck. The thing was that Eddie didn’t know what he would say to him. How he could explain the gratitude and the relief and past that not just declare his love for him because Buck had faced yet another life threatening moment and survived. And not just that, but he’d protected Christopher. From the bits and pieces he got from his son, Buck was a hero. Buck had kept him safe and saved Christopher. 

The next day, Christopher filled him in on the rest of what happened. Eddie listened to his son as he told him all about being with Buck at the pier and the way that Buck had protected him. How Buck had saved so many people. And then, Christopher fell into the water and he just got thrown about and washed up somewhere and there were people and they helped him. 

“He’s my hero, daddy,” Christopher declared. 

Eddie needed to see him. He needed to be sure that Buck was fine but more importantly he wanted to make sure that Buck knew Eddie didn’t blame him for anything that happened. 

After they were done with breakfast, Eddie drove Christopher to Buck’s apartment and he could tell that Buck was a bit surprised to see them there but to Eddie seeing Buck was everything he needed. He tried not to stare at him or linger long because he didn’t know if he would do or say the wrong thing but when Buck stared at him confused and like he didn’t quite believe that Eddie and Christopher were there, Eddie had to clarify. Especially since Buck seemed to want to blame himself. 

Buck looked surprised at Eddie’s words and Eddie was just so fond of him. So fond of the way he cared and the way that he seemed to want to apologize and the way that the last thing he expected was to be told her could watch Christopher again. 

“Buck, there’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you,” Eddie said and he meant it. 

It was hard to just place a hand on Buck’s shoulder rather than pull him into a hug and harder to make himself walk to the door. Eddie knew he sort of rushed out, but it was the only thing he could do in order to make himself leave. 

If Eddie had not already known that he loved Buck before, the aftermath of the tsunami would have absolutely made it clear and the thing about it was that Eddie still had no idea what to do with the information. With his feelings. Being in love with a man was still a bit surprising to him even if it wasn’t all that surprising that it was Buck. 

His feelings for Buck were pushed to the side when it was clear to Eddie that Christopher was not okay in the days following the tsunami. He was waking up every night multiple times with night terrors. He was screaming and muttering in his sleep and Eddie was lucky if he managed to get an hour or two of sleep before Chris was waking him up. But Christopher also wouldn’t talk about the dreams or about what was bothering him. 

Buck had filled him in on exactly how the day had gone for him and Chris and so Eddie knew that Buck had tried his best to shield Christopher from seeing any of the number of atrocities of the day but the space of time during which they were separated was unaccounted for and Chris could have seen just about anything. Eddie didn’t want to push him, but he had no idea what to do. The one thing he didn’t want to do is burden Buck with it because even though Eddie had told him he wasn’t at fault, he could tell that Buck still blamed himself. 

Hen suggested a child psychologist. 

“He’s gone through a trauma, Eddie. It might help.”

Eddie was a little wary of the idea, but then he also knew better than most how instrumental doctors were for Christopher’s well being. He figured it might help to speak to a professional. 

The one good thing to come out of the tsunami was that Buck decided to take the light duty work. So as soon as Carla had returned from vacation, Buck went back to work. He wasn’t doing what he wanted to do and they could all tell that he hated it, but Eddie was glad to see that Buck wasn’t giving up and he had to credit at least some of it to Christopher. 

Being on light duty meant that Buck was working as a fire marshall so they actually didn’t see him at all most days and Eddie was so busy worrying about Christopher and being so exhausted from lack of sleep that he didn’t have any time to catch up with him and see how the job was treating him. The first time that he saw Buck in a while was during a fire drill. Buck was evaluating them. The whole thing was a bit ridiculous but Buck at least seemed to be getting a kick out of it. 

And Bobby had gone and figured out how to get a replacement for Buck while not making it permanent. Lena Bosko. Eddie found that he liked having a familiar face around. He already got on with her and she was good at what she did. It wasn’t at all like having Buck at his side, but Lena would do for a time. 

“Your Captain requested me,” Lena told him on her first day. “How’s it going with your kid? He doing alright?”

“He’s...he’s not doing too well. Nightmares. We’re seeing a doctor in a few days to see what might help.”

Talking to Lena was easy. She didn’t know the full story — the Shannon of it all — and so it was simpler to tell her things and get it out to someone. Eddie didn’t want to bother Buck with it when he had so much else going on and he really didn’t want to mention any of it to his Abuela who might make a bigger deal out of it and overshare with Pepa and the rest of the family. The last thing Eddie needed was his mom trying to help and making things worse. But Lena was someone that he could talk to and that listened with no judgement. They trained together and worked well on calls together. It made Eddie forget for a little while that a huge part of the 118 was missing. It made him think less about his less than platonic feelings for his best friend too because Lena didn’t know Buck. 

Things weren’t great, but Eddie thought they were okay. He got Christopher professional help and all it really did was make Eddie start looking at Chris’ drawings a bit closer and it was just so obvious that his son was going through something even if he didn’t want to talk about it. What Eddie didn’t expect was that it might have to do with Shannon. 

Lena didn’t seem to think much of the idea of a child psychologist but Eddie knew it was probably the right thing to do and Eddie didn’t see much of Buck to be able to ask him what he thought. Buck was just busy with the fire marshall job and seemed to be working any time that Eddie had the time to try and catch up with him and either way, Eddie was spending any spare moment with Christopher. 

Lena did manage to give him good advice — telling him that he should talk to Christopher about his own feelings and being more emotionally available to his son and Eddie was sort of realizing that maybe he should be more in tune with his emotions. 

When Buck did stop by the station, it was so obvious that Buck missed being there. There was longing in his eyes that was just a little bit difficult to take. Everyone missed him and they worried about him, and Eddie was hoping that Buck wasn’t feeling too down about the light duty especially since he hadn’t been pushing the issue much. It was why Eddie didn’t talk to Buck about what was happening with Christopher — that, and he knew that Buck still felt some guilt about what happened during the tsunami. 

So, when he walked onto a shift only to be told that Buck was suing the city, Eddie had no idea where it had come from. 

“What? That’s...that’s a joke, right?” Eddie said. “Buck wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh, but he would. And he is,” Bobby said.

“But why?” Hen asked. “He’ll be back to work soon anyway, right? He’s really looking after himself and—”

“And he’s still on blood thinners,” Bobby said. “It’s dangerous — he can’t be on active duty like that. The department feels that way and so do I.”

“And Buck is being a child about it,” Eddie said with gritted teeth remembering the week that Buck had just shut himself away from everyone like a petulant child. This was more of that. 

He couldn’t believe Buck. A part of Eddie wanted to call him up and try and get to the bottom of why he would do something like that. It had to be that lawyer at the fire drill...he’d gotten to Buck and somehow Buck was stupid enough to think that suing the city was a good idea. He was being an insolent child. 

“Well, can someone talk some sense into him?” Hen asked and she turned to Chim. “Does Maddie know? What does she think about all this?”

Bobby shook his head. “Hey, guys. No, no...we’re not — while the lawsuit is happening, we can’t have any contact with Buck and he can’t have any with us.”

Eddie hadn’t known what a blow that would be. Why had Buck gone and done this if he knew that he wouldn’t be able to talk to them — to any of them. Why hadn’t he talked to Eddie before making such a stupid decision. He was being selfish and thoughtless and after all the time spent in each other’s pockets, he felt devalued, like Buck didn’t care. Maybe he didn’t. Or maybe it was that he didn’t care like Eddie did. 

“Oh, Buck,” Chim said with a shake of his head. 

“What prompted this?” Hen asked. 

They all looked to Bobby. Even Lena seemed curious. Eddie was aware that she’d heard plenty about Buck by then even if she hadn’t properly met him. 

“I think he felt it was the only thing he could do,” Bobby said. 

The rest of the day felt like it was shadowed by the lawsuit. None of them really knew what to say or how to take it. The next few days were much of the same. Eddie’s one saving grace was that Christopher seemed to be sleeping through the night. He was far from okay still, but the nightmares had been the most worrying thing and they didn’t seem to come every night. 

It did kill Eddie when Christopher asked about Buck. 

“Daddy, when are we going to see Buck again?”

His kid had gotten attached. Eddie had allowed Chris to get attached because Buck was supposed to be there. He was supposed to be one of the people that didn’t leave. One of the people that Eddie could depend on and that Christopher could depend on. Eddie had been wrong about that, clearly, because Buck only did think about Buck even when other people needed him. He didn’t care about the consequences. 

“I don’t know what to tell him,” Eddie said to Carla. 

“The truth. That right now you can’t see him. Christopher will have to just understand.” 

“I hate this,” Eddie said. “I just hate it so much. Have you seen him?”

Carla pat his arm. “Buck? No, I haven’t.”

Eddie almost snapped at his Abuela when she asked. It was one of his afternoons off work and he had taken Christopher over to visit with Abuela. 

“Que paso con Buck? Christopher dice que le estrana.”

[“What happened with Buck? Christopher says he misses him.”]

“Nothing. I don’t know. He’s suing the city. Los abogados dicen que no podemos hablar con el,” Eddie said and he tried not to show his annoyance. 

[“...the lawyers say we can’t talk to him.”]

Abuela shook her head at him. “Pero, Edmundo, eso no importa. Tu puedes llamarle. I know he’d do anything for Christopher. Y para ti, también. Si le dices que Chris quiere verlo, yo se que no le va importar nada que los abogados digan.” 

[“But, Edmundo, that doesn’t matter. You can call him. I know he’d do anything for Christopher. For you too. And if you tell him Chris wants to see him, I know he won’t care what the lawyers say.”]

Eddie had to put his glass down on the table because of how tight he was holding it. “If he didn’t care about the lawyers he would have already called me. Or maybe he would have talked to me before he went and did this. Esta stupidez! El no piensa. Y me emputa tanto. Abuela, esto que está haciendo es como un tantrum. So selfish. I just want to throttle him.”

[“...It’s so stupid! He doesn’t think. And it pisses me off so much. Abuela, what he’s doing is like throwing a tantrum. So selfish. I just want to throttle him.”]

Abuela dropped a hand to his shoulder. “Ed, maybe el tiene sus razones. Pero, si no le hablas, you won’t find out and you won’t be able to yell at him as much as I know you want to.”

[“Ed, maybe he has his reasons. But, if you don’t talk to him, you won’t find out and you won’t be able to yell at him as much as I know you want to.”]

“Probably why the lawyers don’t want us to have contact,” Eddie muttered. “And even that is idiotic in my opinion.”

“You miss him. I know.”

Eddie didn’t respond to that. 

It was more than about the lawsuit though. It was about how much Eddie had come to rely on Buck. After Shannon died, it was Buck that was there. He was his shoulder to lean on, one of the few people that would have his back and to have him just drop the ball on that and decide that it was okay for them to not be in contact...and to not even give Eddie any kind of warning so he could prepare Christopher made the whole thing even worse.

His anger didn’t leave. It stayed right there under the surface. Eddie tried not to show how angry he was to Christopher, especially since he’d started to fall back into normality. He asked about Buck, still, with the kind of look that he’d gotten whenever he asked about his mom in the first few weeks after she left them in Texas. To think about Buck on the same level as Shannon just made him think about the non-platonic feelings that he’d been figuring out. All of that he had to just push back into a corner of his mind where he wouldn’t think about it. 

Then, one morning they were all given notice that an arbitration meeting would need their testimonies and it became extremely clear that Buck had told the lawyer everything about them...information that should have stayed private and that shouldn’t have had anything to do with the lawsuit at all. Buck cared more about whatever he might gain from the lawsuit than his friends, clearly. 

Worse was his traitorous mind that couldn’t help but notice that Buck looked good in a suit. Too good. His shoulders filled out the jacket nicely and his skinny black tie fit him well. The suit did little to hide how fit Buck was, and it was such a contrast to what he usually wore that it made him look dignified and put together. Eddie hated him. He hated that he was so attractive that he could distract Eddie from his anger. 

It all came to a head when Eddie got into a fight and then promptly got arrested. He was glad that at least Athena wasn’t the arresting officer because he wouldn’t have heard the end of it at the 118 if she had been. But his anger came back tenfold when he was sitting at the police station and he had to make his one phone call and he couldn’t call the one person that he wanted to call. Abuela and Pepa would eat him alive if he called either and the last thing he needed was Bobby to get involved. Hen and Chim would tell everyone at the 118. That left him with Lena. Mostly because Eddie couldn’t be sure that if he did call Buck that Buck would answer and that just fueled the anger even more. 

Lena agreed to bail him out. The whole thing felt embarrassing. He hadn’t even known her long and despite how well they got on, it still felt like he was pressing his luck with calling her and maybe it was that guilt that made him decide to hang out with her that night because he didn’t think that she actually had a way to help him. Either way, he figured it might give him a distraction from thinking about Christopher away at a sleepover and of course the Buck of it all. Buck was never far from his mind. 

He didn’t expect street fighting. He definitely didn’t expect to see her joining in and fighting too. 

Lena called it a healthy way to let off steam...to let go of his anger and not hit the next person that pissed him off again. Eddie didn’t really think that violence was the answer and he declined when she offered to get him in on a fight. 

But his anger was just ever present. And when he saw Buck at Howie’s Market, it felt like it just grew even more. He was just so angry and Buck was one part of it but there were other things too. Things that had been building up for a while. 

A few days later, he found the street fighting on his own and fought for the first time. His anger was all consuming. He was full of it and it was an outlet. He could let it all go and he didn’t have to think about how much he wanted to keep yelling and screaming at Buck. He’d done enough of it at Howies’ Market. Had come so close to hitting him, too, if he was honest. 

Being in a fight, feeling the adrenaline and the not knowing if he would get hit or if he’d be the one to get the hit in, it made everything in his mind fade away. He could stop thinking and he could stop being angry at himself and at Buck and at the world at large — the world that had taken Christopher’s mother from him and that had hurt Buck enough that he hadn’t been able to get back to work. 

Instead, he was hyper focused on the fight and he could lose himself to it even if sometimes when his fists met his opponent he wasn’t sure if he was seeing the random stranger or someone else there that was more familiar. 

The thinking didn’t come until he’d made it back home. Christopher was with Abuela and Eddie didn’t have to hide his bruises or how much of a mess he was. The thinking happened once he was in the shower and the blood and dirt were in the water running down his tiles and into the drain. 

He loved Buck. And Buck left him. Left Christopher. 

He’d loved Shannon. And she left him...twice. She left him twice. 

Eddie didn’t need Buck to leave him and Christopher again. He couldn’t and wouldn’t let it happen. His feelings...his crush — even if calling it that felt juvenile and not quite right — he didn’t need to act on them. Eddie would be fine and so would Christopher...they’d been fine before. Eddie just needed to keep moving forward was all. 

When the next day, Hen told him that Buck was being reinstated, Eddie knew he should have been happier and excited for his best friend. He didn’t even ask why or how it had happened — he didn’t even consider the blood thinners or the lawsuit. He just shrugged.

“You can’t be mad at him forever,” Hen pointed out. 

“Aren’t you mad?” Eddie asked. 

“No. Bad things happened to him and he reacted. Anyway, he’s supposed to be your best friend or something, isn’t he?”

“Maybe he isn’t,” Eddie said. 

Buck was not coming back right away. There was a lot of paperwork and things, but he was returning as soon as he could. Eddie didn’t think on it too much. He could tell that Bobby wasn’t thrilled about having Buck back and everyone was following his lead. Chim wondered why Bobby had even decided to let him stay on at the 118 after everything but none of them had an answer for him. The very idea of Buck going to work at a different station terrified Eddie and he didn’t want to even consider the possibility. Instead, he went looking for a fight. And another. 

A few days before Buck’s first day, Lena left them with very little fanfare. She was excited to get back to her station and that was basically all there was to it. Eddie promised to keep in touch even if he hadn’t even bothered to tell her that he’d taken up street fighting. 

The day before Buck started back up, Hen tried to convince Bobby to let them have at least a banner up to welcome Buck home. No one really wanted it and Hen gave up the whole idea quickly enough. Eddie ignored the conversation entirely and didn’t give Hen any kind of answer. 

Seeing Buck again the next day made him feel strange. He missed him. He loved him. He hated him. Eddie didn’t want to deal with any of it and even more so when the first thing Buck did was comment on Eddie’s injuries. He also didn’t seem to buy Eddie’s flimsy excuse but Eddie didn’t care and Buck needed to stop pretending that he cared about Eddie. If he was a little too pleased when Bobby benched Buck while the rest of them went out on a call, he tried not to show it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next one we get back to Buck. I still haven’t finished writing next chapter as I am writing parts of it simultanously with ch. 11 (which I just started) so not sure when the next one will be up at this point. 
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/190265393072/next-to-me-9).


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been trying to get this chapter up since I woke up this morning but at last. Enjoy.

The only good thing about being a Fire Marshall was that he wasn’t sitting around at his apartment doing nothing. On the days when Christopher had been with him things had been a bit easier. He’d taken him to the Zoo one day and then on a different day they went to the park and fed some ducks. Buck was a bit wary of it all, though, after the tsunami thing. He didn’t want to press his luck and be at the wrong place at the wrong time again. Maybe that was part of the reason why he wanted to get back to work. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to spend time with Christopher, but that he didn’t quite trust himself to not hurt Christopher again. 

All things said and done, Christopher didn’t seem to be having a hard time after the tsunami and since Eddie didn’t tell him otherwise, Buck felt just a little better. He did miss him the first day that Carla was back to look after him, but that was also Buck’s first day back at work and he soon got distracted with all his new duties. 

The problem with being a Fire Marshall was that he got to be around firefighters sometimes, when he wasn’t doing inspections on buildings and houses to make sure they were up to code. Seeing them — even the firefighters that weren’t from the 118, it made Buck long to be back at his job and back with his team. 

“Once the doctors figure out why you’re getting clots and you’re off the meds you’ll be back,” Maddie told him when he expressed his concern. 

“But, Maddie, I’m in the best shape of my life now. I’m ready to be back.”

“Buck, come on...it’s not safe for you to be out there. What if you get hurt and you bleed out somewhere. That job is dangerous as it is and—”

He rolled his eyes. None of them understood. “I could literally get hurt anywhere and where would I be safest but with a group of trained individuals that could get me the help I need in seconds?”

Maddie just sort of smiled a half smile and she shook her head. 

The first time he actually encountered the 118 was during the fire drill. The whole thing was a bit ridiculous but it was policy and if he gave Bobby a harder time just for the hell of it, no one could blame him. He didn’t want to play favorites after all. But, they had to know that when it came to it, Buck would make sure their numbers looked good. 

Things did go a little wrong and people were injured and Buck couldn’t do anything to really help. He had to stick to what he was there to do. He did notice the lawyer that seemed intent on starting a lawsuit. Buck didn’t expect for the lawyer to reach out to him a few days later as if expecting Buck to just agree to help him sue the city and maybe even his friends. That the lawyer admitted that he had even looked into Buck’s past and that rattled him a little. Yes, he was upset that he wasn’t back at work yet, but that didn’t mean that he would go against his family because he knew that they wanted him back with them just as much as he wanted to return to work. 

Even though he didn’t have to, Buck went to the station to deliver the results of the fire drill. He hadn’t really seen much of anyone since starting his new job. Buck hadn’t even gotten to see Christopher because of conflicting work hours. What Buck hadn’t realized was how much it would hurt to be at the station and see everyone there where they belonged — where Buck belonged. 

Buck didn’t even get to really talk to Eddie or ask about Christopher because some chick was calling him over...someone that Buck didn’t know…

They replaced him. No one had even thought to tell him. 

Bobby had assured him that his place at the station was there waiting for him but apparently that was all a lie.

Then, the alarm was going and everyone was rushing towards the trucks and it was just Buck left behind where he stood. 

Her name was Bosko. He knew because someone had taped over his name on his cubby and written hers and maybe Buck was never going to get to return. And maybe they were all fine with that. Maybe he was wrong in thinking that they too were waiting for him to return. 

Buck let his shoulders drop and he left the firehouse. He had two inspections to get to and they were both across town. The drive was long and he was stuck in LA traffic. It was yet another aspect of the job that Buck hated. There was too much driving involved. It made him have time to think. Logically he knew that they were going to need another firefighter on his shift. He also knew that Eddie was one of the friendliest people...they all were. Bosko had nothing to do with him not being able to be back at work. He just wished he’d had a heads up. And a part of him, a small part of him that Buck didn’t even want to think about, maybe did feel jealous because maybe Eddie was interested in this Bosko chick in a way that he would never be interested in Buck. 

When Buck ran into Athena at the first inspection, he was surprised but glad to see her all at once. 

“Buckaroo!” she said and he let her pull him into a hug. 

Buck couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Athena. It might have been the night that he threw up blood at her house. 

“How are you doing, Buck? Bobby mentioned you were back to work.”

“Yeah work,” Buck said.

Athena gave him her surely patented unimpressed look. “Buck, you’ll be back at it soon. You can’t rush your recovery.”

“I’m recovered,” Buck said and he tried not to be too frustrated as he said it. “I just miss it. I miss everyone.”

Athena seemed to catch on anyway and she was super perceptive anyway. “Look, Buck, how about you come over for dinner tonight? We’d love to have you.” 

“I — yeah...yeah of course. I’ll be there. Thanks, Athena.”

That perked up his spirits some. He hadn’t actually gotten to see Bobby outside of work in ages. He was excited to go over and so much so that he forgot that he was going to try and see Eddie and Christopher that night because he hadn’t seen them in a while either. 

The night started off well and Buck got to really fill Athena and Bobby in on what happened at that meeting with the lawyer. Still, even Buck could tell that something was off but Buck tried to ignore it and then he mentioned what he’d been thinking about earlier. How maybe if Bobby and the rest at the 118 backed him up on how ready he was to get back to work — how he wasn’t a liability — it might get the department to let it go and let him get back to it. The other shoe had to drop sometime and apparently it was Bobby...Bobby was the reason he wasn’t back at the 118. 

Bobby said he wasn’t ready. 

“You’re not ready. That’s what I told them when they asked,” Bobby said.

That was the last thing that Buck had expected. “You’re the reason they won’t let me back?” Buck asked. 

“The medication is the reason,” Bobby said and he had that serious look to him. The kind that meant his mind was made up and he wasn’t budging. 

“Bobby is just worried about you, Buck. That’s all. We all are,” Athena said, interjecting and Buck could tell that this was not how she expected the night to go. 

Buck had just gone on and on about how the last thing he would ever do is betray Bobby and the rest of his friends at the 118 when apparently Bobby didn’t feel the same way. He could have talked to Buck before just deciding and telling the department that Buck wasn’t ready. Instead, he’d gone behind Buck’s back. 

“I thought you were on my side. I thought you were my friend,” Buck said. 

“I am your friend. I’m also the Captain of almost 20 other firefighters whose life and safety depend on decisions I make and I can’t put them at risk. If you’re not operating at on hundred percent—”

Buck slammed his fist on the table. It wasn’t polite and he hated doing that when he was a guest and when Athena had invited him over — she wasn’t to blame for any of it. But Bobby didn’t get it.

“I am at a hundred percent,” Buck said. “I’m...maybe even more. I — I’ve never felt so good.”

All the physical therapy and all the time he’d spent training to get back to work, he’d gone straight back to it once he got out of his head and decided to stop wallowing. He’d started eating better — watching everything he ate that might interfere with the blood thinners. Buck had stopped drinking alcohol even. He was in better shape than he’d been back before the incident. He was ready. 

“Buck, I know that you went through a lot in that tsunami and…” 

Bobby really didn’t get it. Bobby didn’t get that it was because of the tsunami that he needed to be back where he belonged. He didn’t get that at the very least Buck had thought that he had all of them on his side, that they too were waiting for him to return. But that wasn’t the case. Bobby had even replaced him with that woman. Bosko. Replaced him because he was recommending that Buck not return to work until when...until Bobby decided that Buck was ready…

“...maybe you feel like you can survive anything,” Bobby said. 

Blood was rushing his ears. “Anything...like the knife in my back,” Buck said because that’s what it felt like. It felt like he’d been betrayed. 

Athena looked like she didn’t know what to say and when Buck looked at Bobby he couldn’t tell if Bobby was getting ready to tell him off or ready to keep trying to get Buck to see that he was right and Buck couldn’t listen to that. He couldn’t let his world just keep falling apart. Even if he wasn’t a part of the 118, he was supposed to keep them...he was supposed to have his family. He was supposed to have Bobby in his corner like the pseudo father that Buck considered him to be but apparently even this father figure could disappoint him. 

Buck got to his feet and he faced Athena because looking at Bobby hurt. “Athena, I just want to say thank you for inviting me and I’m sorry but I—”

“Buck,” Athena said and there was so much emotion and care. “You don’t have to…”

But he did. Bobby and Athena were both trying to stop him, but Buck couldn’t look back. He couldn’t let them see that his eyes had filled up with tears. 

He sat outside in his Jeep for longer than he would ever admit, and he hoped that Athena and Bobby weren’t aware of it, but when he finally left, he had no idea where to go. Maddie wasn’t an option because she probably agreed with Bobby and Buck didn’t want to reach out to anyone from the 118. He had no one aside from them but they had probably all already known what Bobby did or they agreed with it. For a moment he considered showing up at Eddie’s house — if nothing else hanging out with Christopher would make him feel better — but Eddie had already been through so much and so had Chris. Buck didn’t want to burden them with more. In the end he went back to his apartment. His lonely and empty apartment. Maybe Buck should think about getting a pet. 

Buck sat in the dark in his kitchen for a long time. He’d dropped into a chair when he walked in and had been too exhausted to get back up. Back in his Buck 1.0 days, feeling like this would have led him straight into the arms of the first willing person. He wasn’t that guy anymore. 

Eventually, he drifted upstairs and got into bed. He set his alarm. The first thing he did the next morning was call in sick. 

Then, Buck considered his options. He could quit. After all, nothing he did was going to get him back to where he wanted to be...not unless he got off the meds and the doctors didn’t know what the source of the clots were so the whole thing would continue to be managed with the blood thinners. If he had been in any other line of work it wouldn’t have even mattered. But if he quit, what was he going to do? Would he drift from one job to another again pretending that he was enjoying them? Or was there something else?

He was eating breakfast when he spotted the paperwork he’d left on the table. Stuff from the lawyer and those lawsuits. Maybe it was worth looking into. 

If Bobby could so easily stab him in the back, then it wouldn’t matter that Buck was doing what he had to do to get what he wanted. It didn’t feel fully right, but it felt like the only available option. 

When the lawyer mentioned that he wouldn’t be able to have contact with anyone involved Buck had to think back to the night before and how he hadn’t had anyone to turn to. Maybe they had nothing to say to each other. After he set the ball rolling, the guilty feeling in his gut made him head over to Bobby and Athena’s. It was the least he could do. 

It was late, but he had the papers folded up and all he had to do was deliver them and maybe it would bring the point across. Or it would tear everything apart. Buck had never been one to back down from anything. 

He hated the way Athena was so warm and welcoming and how shocked she seemed once he told them. Bobby didn’t even seem to know how to react and the petty part of himself hoped that it would feel even a little bit like how it had felt to find out that Bobby wasn’t on his side. After the door closed and Buck headed to his car, he tried not to regret it. He wouldn’t be seeing Bobby for a while...he wouldn’t be speaking to any of them for a while. Buck hadn’t even told Maddie what he was doing yet and he had no idea how she would take it. 

The lawyer asked a lot of questions. He wanted to know everything about everyone from the 118. He was digging stuff up on his own too and Buck was a little surprised when he would be asked about something personal about one of his friends like questions about Bobby and his suspension from Captain or about Shannon’s death. But Buck figured it was his lawyer and he had to be asking for a reason. He didn’t expect for it all to be brought up during the arbitration hearing. 

He could barely handle the tired way that Hen looked at him or how Chimney looked just a tad annoyed. The disappointment in Bobby’s eyes hurt but worse was Eddie who radiated anger that was all directed at Buck. He felt bad about it, sure, but they had to understand that this was the only thing he could do...he’d been left no options. Bobby had given him no other options. 

It didn’t mean that it wasn’t hard to see them and not be able to talk to them. They all looked some level of annoyed about it, too. Buck could just hope that things went well and that they would understand everything afterwards. They had to. They had to see why he’d done it and why it was so important to him. 

The thing about the lawsuit was that it wasn’t quick. It was weeks of waiting and feeling lonely and questioning himself. Had he made a mistake? Had he really isolated himself from everyone that he had left? 

Maddie seemed to think it was a bad idea but she had her own stuff going on and so she didn’t press him. Not having much to really do meant that Buck was at home a bit bored and listless most days. When the lawyer called, he didn’t wait to rush down to his office. 

And the news wasn’t good. The lawyer thought so and of course he did because all he wanted was the money. Buck wanted his job. He wanted his family. 

In that moment, Buck had the sense to think that he’d made a mistake. Talking to his lawyer just made it worse and worse and all Buck wanted to do was go back in time to stop himself from starting down that road in the first place. 

He wanted to call Bobby. He wanted to make it all go away. He didn’t want the settlement money although at least it proved that Buck was actually right and that all in all, the decision to not let him return to his job had been the wrong one. If the city and the department didn’t want to take it to court then they probably knew they would lose. That or they didn’t want to bother. 

“What do you want to do?” The lawyer asked. 

Buck stared him down. “I thought that I made it clear what I wanted. It wasn’t money. It was my job back. This isn’t what I wanted.”

“You’re turning it down?” The lawyer asked. “Are you kidding me?”

The lawyer stared at him. “My hours are still billable,” he said. 

And that absolutely did not even matter...not in comparison to everything else. Buck just needed to talk to the lawyer representing the city and the fire department and decline the money. Well, maybe not the cost of his lawyer, but definitely everything else...and maybe he could ask them to let him have his job back. That was all he was after. It made him wonder what the others thought he was about with the lawsuit. Did they know about the money? About the amount of money? And if they did were they expecting him to take it? 

Buck knew nothing about what his friends might be doing or going through. Maddie spoke about Chimney sometimes but Buck could tell that she didn’t try to mention him or anyone else that she was in contact with. Maddie probably thought it would make things easier for him especially with how much he missed everyone. 

Eddie and Christopher most of all. Buck had even run into Eddie’s Abuela a few days earlier while he was out buying groceries. At first Buck hadn’t even realized it was her until she approached him. 

“Buck,” she said. “Good afternoon.”

“Hi,” Buck said and he didn’t know if he should even be talking to her but it felt rude to just walk away too. “How — como estas?”

[“...how are you?”]

She stared at him. “Estoy bien. You speak Spanish?” 

[“I’m good.”]

Buck chuckled and he rubbed his neck. “I lived in lots of places in South America and Mexico for a while a few years ago. Picked it up. Kind of out of practice now but yo entiendo bastante.”

[“...I understand a lot.”]

“Eddie would be more than willing to help with your Spanish,” she said. 

“Ah...I—”

“Me olvide,” she said. “Your lawsuit. Claro. You know, Buck, when Eddie told me...well, I didn’t expect it. Pero, yo entiendo. I understand. It must be frustrating to not be able to do what you love. From what Eddie said, they weren’t allowing you back to work because of a medical condition. Must be frustrating.”

[“I forgot,” she said. “Your lawsuit. Of course.”... “But, I understand.”]

“It is,” Buck said, surprised for the first time to have someone actually try and see his side of it and not brush it off like it was nothing. “And I’m ready to go back. I mean, I’m on the medication but I’m taking care of myself and I know it’s a high risk job but...but that’s where I belong. And it’s risky even if I weren’t on blood thinners.”

“Si. I can see that. Good luck with everything, Buck.”

“Gracias,” Buck said and was surprised when she hugged him. 

[“Thank you”]

“I should be thanking you. You helped my boys a lot, Buck. Kept Christopher safe during the tsunami. I’m really glad you’re in their lives.”

“Oh,” Buck said. “I — wow, that means a lot.” 

It made him wish he could go and see them. That he could hang out with Christopher or just even talk to his best friend. 

She pat him on the cheek in a way that only a grandmother could and she made to leave but Buck reached out and stopped her. 

“How...how are they? Christopher is he doing okay?”

“As good as can be after everything, Buck. He went through a lot that day and even before that with his mom. I can’t speak badly of the dead but she left that boy more than any mother should and that leaves a mark.”

Buck nodded. He didn’t even dare to ask about Eddie and how he might be handling everything. 

“I have to go. Or I’ll be late but it was good to see you,” she said and then with a grin. “Next time, quiero que me hables solo en Español.” 

[“Next time, I want you to speak to me in Spanish only.”]

“Si. Voy a practicar,” Buck said, testing each word as he said it. 

[“Yes. I’ll practice.”]

Buck couldn’t remember the last time he’d spoken Spanish. Probably sometime while he was still in Mexico. He just hadn’t needed it since and without a need to speak it, it was hard to access words. Buck was aware that Eddie spoke Spanish and obviously his abuela and aunt spoke Spanish but he never really did it around Buck unless it was necessary on a call. Seeing her made him mostly miss Eddie. It made him question the lawsuit and all the implications it had brought. 

In some ways, getting the news that he was winning millions in a settlement and not what he’d been after — his job — made all of it worse. 

After he declined the money and spoke to the lawyer representing the city and the department he felt a little better. And...he could see everyone again. It was allowed. In fact, encouraged. Buck needed to apologize directly and clear the air while the department decided on what to do about him. There was no guarantee that he could get back to work but they were reconsidering the situation and Buck would know soon enough if the Fire Chief and the department would allow him to get reinstated as a firefighter or if they wanted him to remain on light duty. There was also still the option of them firing him altogether but as far as he knew that wouldn’t happen because of the nature of his lawsuit. 

As soon as his meeting was over, Buck had considered going straight to Bobby and talking it out with him — explaining his side of things and informing him that he was dropping the lawsuit. He was desperate to get to see him and talk to him after all the time that he hadn’t been able to. He wanted to see all of them. Buck even drove all the way to the station but he couldn’t go in. He couldn’t go back in there unless he was going back in because he was welcome and because he had his job back. But...if he met them somewhere else on accident, then things might work out differently. Thinking back to how he’d run into Eddie’s Abuela, Buck figured that he could run into the team and they would all be together and not busy on a call when Buck did and the only place that could work was Howie’s Market where Bobby liked to go pick up dinner supplies every week. 

On the first day, he didn’t see them. Instead, he got to know a few of the people that worked there. One of the cashiers, a guy named Josh seemed pretty cool. They had similar taste in music and he was sort of cute in a boyish sort of way and had Buck been his old self he might have been interested in the way that Josh tried his hand at flirting with him. 

Buck also got to know the guy that worked the deli counter and the girls from bakery. He’d explained why he was hanging around to them and they thought that it was a grand idea. 

“I hope it goes well for you, Buck,” one of them said. 

It was on the second day — when he was already feeling all kinds of weird about hanging out at Howie’s Market for so long — that he finally spotted them. He didn’t approach them immediately and almost snuck away, too, until one of the bakery girls gave him a thumbs up and Buck figured he had to approach them. 

They all knew at once that he was there because of them. He was a horrible liar and picking up the cat laxative as an excuse was flimsy. What Buck didn’t expect was Eddie’s anger. Buck had known they were probably all going to be upset with him over the hassle he’d put them through but Eddie was downright livid. He could tell that the others were surprised at it too and that it was likely none of them knew that he’d dropped the lawsuit in the first place. 

It hurt when Eddie brought up Christopher and he couldn’t even defend against that — the consequences of his actions. By the end of it, Buck was left wondering what might have happened if those people outside hadn’t let road rage take over because Eddie had looked like he was just short of making it physical. 

Buck was sort of surprised when he got a call from Bobby later that night. 

“Bobby?” Buck asked. 

“Hi, Buck. I received a call today. You didn’t take the settlement.”

“I — I couldn’t,” Buck said and he didn’t know if he should elaborate or if Bobby would even want to hear it at all. 

Bobby sighed. “Listen, the team and I, we’re going to Rage. We got a call from there last night and I thought it might do some of us some good. You can join us.”

“I can — of course I can. I’ll see you tonight.” 

Bobby chuckled. “Good. See you tonight.” 

Buck had never heard of the place, but a google search told him it was a place where people paid money to destroy things in order to get their anger out. It was supposed to be a good outlet and after everything that had happened to him, Buck felt like it probably would feel good to destroy things. 

The only disappointing thing was when Eddie wasn’t there. But Bosko was. Buck even talked to her for a bit. She wasn’t all bad and she told him all about her station and how everyone that worked there had been lent out to other firehouses around the city for a while. She wasn’t a replacement. 

When Bobby told him to expect a call about his reinstatement, Buck was surprised. He hadn’t expected to hear so quickly or to hear it from Bobby. But apparently the department didn’t want to deal with any bad press that might come out of the whole thing. Buck didn’t really care, he just cared that he would have his job back. 

He almost expected Bobby to tell him that he was going to another firehouse when he brought up the offer, but instead Bobby made it clear that he’d be back with the 118 and that it wasn’t going to be easy. Buck was ready for that, though. He didn’t care what he needed to do...he was finally going home. 

The fire department and the city made him sign a bunch of waivers. He spent what felt like a whole afternoon just signing his name on form after form until his hand cramped. Buck would literally never be allowed to sue the city of Los Angeles and the fire department no matter what happened to him. He was a firefighter again with the understanding that anything that might happen to him whether related to the blood thinners or not would not lead to another lawsuit. Buck signed everything they put in front of him. He barely even read any of it. He didn’t care what any of it said as long as he got back to the 118 and his family. 

He was going to be back a few days before Halloween. Buck was more than ready for it. 

The first thing he noticed on his first day was that no one seemed too happy to see him. Everyone gave him the cold shoulder. Hen was the only person that seemed pleased to see him. Chim had greeted him and welcomed him back but there was no knowing with him. It was Eddie that was the worst. He was dismissive and unfriendly. Not only that, but Buck could tell that something was wrong. He was all bruised up and his excuse of rough housing with Christopher shouldn’t have held up with anyone that knew how gentle Eddie was with his son. 

Something was wrong, but Eddie was distant. He ignored Buck to the point of keeping to himself. Because Bobby had Buck sticking to the firehouse and off calls, Buck didn’t even get to try and talk to him out on calls and when Eddie was at the firehouse he avoided being anywhere near Buck. It felt wrong to mention Eddie’s bruises to any of the others because they had eyes and had been able to see for themselves and they weren’t making a big deal out of them.

Buck had missed the station, but he was kind of getting sick of it by the time that Halloween rolled around. He was just being kept at the station. It felt like Bobby was trying to teach him some sort of lesson and Buck just had to keep following orders. 

Buck got stuck doing Halloween duty while everyone else got to go out on calls. It wasn’t all bad because Buck did love kids and kids in costumes were cute but this wasn’t his job...it wasn’t what he’d fought so hard to get back to. Chim and Hen seemed to be the only ones sympathizing with him but they both also told him that he needed to just listen to Bobby. So, he did. He could do nothing else after all. 

Buck couldn’t pretend that it didn’t hurt every time that Eddie rebuffed him, though. He was supposed to be his best friend — maybe that was why Eddie took it so hard. Eddie was just...he was frustrating. All of it was kind of frustrating. None of it felt like before. It was Eddie that wasn’t letting it go. He was so angry and something was happening with him and Buck hated that he hadn’t been around to help Eddie through it...that he still didn’t know what was happening with Eddie at all. 

All of that came to a head late on Halloween when trick or treating was over and Buck was putting away all the decorations because he had enough. Eddie was going to talk to him...even if it was so that Eddie could tell him off again. He couldn’t let Eddie just walk past him again. 

“So that’s how it’s going to be now,” Buck said and he heard Eddie stop. “You’re just gonna keep on ghosting me. ‘Cause Halloween is over, just so you know.” 

“I don’t know what you want from me, Buck,” Eddie said but it didn’t matter what Eddie said because he was talking to him. “Forgive, forget. Make you feel better about what you did?”

Eddie was nowhere near ready for that, clearly, if Buck could read how dismissive he was being. He had his haunches up but at least he was talking and then he turned and started to walk away but Buck couldn’t let him. 

“I just want you to talk to me,” Buck said. “Even if it’s just to say that you’re still mad,” Buck admitted and he waited for it. For Eddie to be mad at him and react or maybe for Eddie to just walk away. 

“I’m not mad,” Eddie said and Buck couldn’t believe it not with how Eddie was holding himself full of frustration and on edge. “I’m— when you decided to sue the department...to make Cap the bad guy, did you ever stop for a minute to think what that could do to us?”

Us. It was such a simple word and yet Buck didn’t know who Eddie referred to. Was he talking about the team? Or was he talking about the two of them. Buck and Eddie. There was no way to tell and either way, it didn’t matter. 

“Look,” Buck said and he hoped that Eddie would listen to him. That he would try to understand. “I just needed my job back. I missed—” He almost said “you”, but he caught himself just in time. “I missed being here. Being part of the team. I never meant for anyone to get hurt.”

“Lotta I’s in there. Your actions, your choices, they impact the rest of us. That’s what it means to be a part of a team.” 

Buck hated how right he was. Buck hadn’t thought past wanting to do something to make everything right but he’d made the wrong choice, clearly. He’d rushed into something without considering any of the consequences. What it would do to his friendships not just with Eddie but with everyone at the 118. 

“You’re right. I didn’t think about what could happen. I was mad at Bobby for not letting me back. I was mad at you guys for moving on without me. I was mad that there was nothing I could do about it. And I just — I just wanted to—”

“Punch someone?” Eddie asked and the way he said it made Buck think that maybe Eddie did get it and he did understand the pain and anger that Buck had been going through. 

“Yeah, a little,” Buck said. “But I get it. And I really am sorry. Whatever it takes for you to forgive me—”

Buck didn’t expect for Eddie to just let it go in the next breath. “I forgive you. Also what it means to be part of a team. This,” Eddie seemed to lose his words and then he finished just a bit awkwardly and pointing at Buck for good measure. “Just don’t do it again.”

Eddie stepped forward then and Buck moved with him, their hands meeting. They moved in synch into a hug that didn’t last long. Eddie pulled back almost as soon as the hug started, wincing a bit. But before Buck could begin to question it Bobby was yelling his name and Eddie just took off. And whatever was going on with Eddie, Buck was going to need to get to the bottom of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the next two chapters drafted out but still need to edit. And I think I’m finally narrowing down on where this will go and end so I’m excited for that. Hoping to post sometime in the next week. And we're back with Eddie in the next chapter. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. :)
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/190447124927/next-to-me-10).


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be one of my favorites partly because I went off-canon a bit and also because I surprised even myself while I was writing it. Did it make the fic longer? Yes. Yes, it did. What hasn't? 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy. :)

Eddie knew deep down that what he was doing was wrong. It was just that he was so angry and going out there and fighting. It helped. Feeling it days later helped too. It reminded him that he had an outlet. All of that made it easier. And harder. It was hard to hide injuries...hard to pretend that when Christopher leaned into him right where he was black and purple that he had to keep smiling. Buck returning to work should have been a good thing...they all should have been celebrating but instead the whole of it was bittersweet and a part of Eddie hated that that was what Buck was returning to and yet he knew that Buck deserved it. 

Buck had put them through a lot. His injury, the blood clots, the tsunami...all of it he’d somehow survived and Eddie was glad...oh, was he glad that Buck was alright. It was just that Buck was selfish and he made stupid choices that didn’t just affect him but everyone else too and the worst part was that he somehow didn’t seem to get it.

So seeing Buck around and seeing Buck try to talk to him like everything was just going to fall back into normality, it made Eddie angry. He was livid. It made him want to hit something. It was a good thing that he did have something to hit. Eddie had hoped that he would stop being so angry about it if Buck was around more, but he was still just so annoyed. 

“Maybe, try talking to Buck,” Hen told him, apparently noting how aggressively he was hitting a punching bag. 

“If I talk to him, I’ll just end up yelling at him,” Eddie said. 

“Well, maybe you need to get all of that out.” 

She was probably right, but it was easier for Eddie to keep being angry at Buck because that meant that he didn’t have to feel everything else. He didn’t have to think about how much he loved him and how that part of it had made everything else worse. 

Every time Buck tried to talk to him, Eddie bypassed it. He was polite and he avoided being alone with Buck at all costs until he couldn’t ignore him anymore. And the thing about talking to Buck was that it lifted a weight off. Buck was his best friend. He was...he needed him in his life. Eddie just hadn’t known that he forgave him until he said it. 

He forgave Buck. It was...hearing Buck explain himself and knowing first hand that Buck had been struggling and seeing his own anger reflected in Buck. There was nothing else but to forgive him and maybe it was because he loved him or maybe it was because being angry at someone took effort and Eddie was tired of it. He wanted his best friend back and he needed to stop being the reason that he didn’t have him. But it was just hard. 

It didn’t stop him from going back out and fighting again. And when someone noticed him and told him about a different fighting ring and how he might do well there, he took them up on it. 

Slowly, things got a little easier with Buck, especially once Cap let Buck join them on calls once more. They were all sort of keeping a close eye on Buck but Buck seemed to be trying to be careful too and that made everyone calm down some. The only worrying thing was that Buck seemed to notice any time that Eddie turned up to work with a new cut, scrape, or bruise. He didn’t say anything about them but Eddie could tell that he wanted to. It was a matter of time before he did. Or someone else did. A part of Eddie — the part that knew he was wrong for fighting at all — wanted someone to demand an explanation. No one did. 

For all that he and Buck were finally on speaking terms, Eddie just couldn’t quite get himself to accept that Buck was there to stay. Not when he was still on blood thinners and anything could happen. It was a week after the incident that Eddie even heard about what Buck had done on the night of Halloween and how he’d ended up at the ER again. It worried him. 

He couldn’t lose Buck. So, he tried to not get attached again and when Buck asked after Christopher he filled him in but didn’t ask Buck to come over or try to suggest that he and Christopher could go and hang out with Buck at his apartment. He was busy anyway, so it wasn’t a lie. He did miss Buck, though. He missed all the time they spent together just talking. He missed getting to see him outside of work. Despite that, Eddie couldn’t let go of his one outlet...he didn’t know what his anger might lead to if he did and if he let Buck get close Buck would figure it out and put a stop to it. So, despite everything, he couldn’t see Buck. 

He went after their shifts ended while Chris was with Carla or with abuela. As long as he knew that Christopher was somewhere safe, Eddie would go and join a fight. Some nights he just watched with all the other people. Most of the time, Eddie wanted to be in the ring. He was a good fighter, something he’d retained from his Army training and boxing but even though punching someone always felt good, it didn’t feel terrible to take a punch too. Sometimes it felt deserved.

Eddie had taken a particularly hard hit on his ribs, a hit that left a huge bruise on his side. His ribs weren’t broken, he knew that, so he tried to ignore the twinge at his side and he avoided taking his shirt off when there was anyone around to notice it. On a day when he and Buck made it into the locker room at the same time, Eddie had to linger and pretend that he was busy looking for something in his bag in order to keep Buck from seeing him with his shirt off. But Buck didn’t leave at once and then he only did because Hen called out for his help with something, but he glanced back at Eddie with curiosity. 

“I’ll be right behind you,” Eddie said.

Buck nodded and when he was finally gone, Eddie let out a sigh. He changed quickly and joined them upstairs. He dropped into the seat next to Buck at the table and Buck bumped his shoulder. It all felt kind of normal again. Then, a call rang out and he and Buck were sitting together in the ladder truck and for a little while, Eddie could imagine that it was before everything went wrong. 

The problem was that he was still angry. It was always just there under the surface. So, he kept fighting. It didn’t hurt when he made some money off of it. 

Using the money to buy a car was impulsive, but then he figured that it was kind of a necessity. His Texas roots made him just replace his truck with a new one because he couldn’t see himself driving anything else. He could tell that everyone was a little shocked about it but no one commented on it or asked him how he was paying for it. He’d gotten more than enough money to put a large down payment on it and the dealership had given him some money for the old car too. His credit score wasn’t horrible so his payments weren’t astronomical but Eddie was hoping to make some more money fighting to pay it off quickly. 

That day they had a few minor calls. A girl stuck in a banister, a car accident, a grease fire at a burger joint, a call to an apartment building where an elevator had gotten stuck between floors and there was someone in distress inside, and then towards the end of the night they were called out to a bar where two women had gotten into a fight and both had gotten injured and also injured others. The worst of it being one of the women had been stabbed with a broken beer bottle on her forearm. 

He and Buck went to take care of the other woman whose hand was bleeding profusely. She also had the beginning of a black eye and she was definitely drunk. 

They got everyone patched up. The woman with the beer bottle was put into the ambulance while the rest of them made sure that no one else was seriously injured. They were just about to leave when someone shouted Buck’s name. 

He and Buck turned. It was a guy. Eddie could admit to himself that it was an attractive man. 

“Buck! Hey. I — I know you’re working and everything so I’ll be quick. I just, I kind of regretted not getting your number on New Years. And, I saw all that stuff with the truck crushing you and...anyway, can we catch up sometime?”

The guy, whoever he was, he was smiling at Buck and when he moved closer he touched Buck’s arm and just kept smiling and inching even closer. 

When Eddie looked at Buck, he wasn’t sure what he would find. He didn’t expect for Buck to look oddly bashful. His cheeks were a bit pink and he wasn’t quite meeting the guy’s eyes, but then he did and a hint of a smile appeared on his lips. 

“Um, hi,” Buck said. “I, uh, a lot has happened since New Years but yeah...yeah we should catch up. I—”

Buck was thrown off. He was awkward and he didn’t seem to know how to form coherent sentences. He was still sort of blushing. Buck was blushing! Eddie didn’t know if he’d ever seen Buck blush before or look so discomfited. 

Eddie saw Bobby motion for them to head back out and he gave a nod but when he looked back at Buck, he and his friend were leaning close together and apparently exchanging phone numbers. They were talking quietly to each other and their arms were pressed together and Buck laughed at something his friend said. 

“Definitely had fun that night,” Buck said.

“It was too bad how it ended,” his friend said. “Kind of killed the mood, didn’t it?”

Buck sort of shrugged as he pocketed his phone and Eddie...he felt like he’d just been hit by something because that sounded like this guy was implying something and Eddie had no idea how to feel about that...No, he did know how to feel. He felt like he’d taken a hit and like something he’d known was a lie. 

Bobby was motioning to them again. 

“Buck, we gotta go,” Eddie said, motioning towards the door where Bobby was waiting for them still. 

“Oh. Right. Yes,” Buck said. “I have to go, David. But, call me.”

Buck was turning to go but David grabbed his arm and pulled him into a hug and Eddie saw Buck turn even redder as he pulled away and then he rushed away and Eddie could only follow behind wondering exactly what had just happened because the whole thing had been weird. It had been like all those times that Buck was hit on by women except that Buck hadn’t brushed it off and that Buck seemed to know David and that David had been touching Buck and had flustered Buck. And then there was the implication that Buck and David had been doing something that required a sort of mood killer and Eddie had no idea what to do with that information aside from wanting to keep Buck as far away from David as possible. 

When he got to the truck, Buck was helping put some equipment away but they seemed ready to go so when Buck climbed into the back, Eddie followed. 

“What was that about?” Eddie asked.

Buck wasn’t a good liar. He wasn’t even someone that could come up with an excuse on the spot and he looked panicked. 

“Um, just...he’s a guy I met once,” Buck said. “We hung out on New Years Eve.”

“And—”

“And nothing,” Buck said and then he turned away to look out the window and Eddie knew he wasn’t going to get more out of him. 

It was only once they were back at the station that Eddie tried to talk to Buck about it again. Buck’s blush had gone away and he wasn’t exactly keeping to himself or anything and Eddie needed to know. He needed to know if everything he’d thought he knew about Buck was wrong. 

“Buck, you never give your phone out on calls. I’m just...I’m surprised,” Eddie said. Maybe putting it that way was better. 

“I don’t give out my number to random people,” Buck said. “David...he’s a friend.”

Eddie nodded. He could leave it at that. He could just change the subject and move on but he needed to know. He had to be sure. 

“A friend,” Eddie said. “Just...just a friend?”

Buck turned around to face him completely. “What is your problem, Eddie? Why are you pushing this?” 

“Because you’re my best friend and there’s clearly something I’m missing here,” Eddie said. 

Buck stared at him for a while and then he sighed and he chuckled. “Look, man, how about this, when you start being a little more honest about whatever it is you’re doing that has you all bruised up all the time maybe you can start demanding answers from everyone else.” 

Eddie was left staring at Buck’s back for a moment and he didn’t know what it was about it that made him angrier. Buck refusing to tell him something or knowing that Buck knew something was up with him. Mostly, he was just angry. 

That night, he went to a fight again and he let all the anger out. It was easy, it was the easiest thing to do even if it left him all bruised up again. Someone had gotten him good on the jaw too and that was going to be clearly visible. 

A few days later, he finally did get all his answers when he saw Buck and David right outside the station. He was parking and was surprised not to see Buck’s Jeep since Buck was usually there before him. Instead, a different car pulled up and Eddie spotted Buck in the passenger seat with David next to him. They were talking and smiling and Eddie was gritting his teeth. His anger, the thing that he’d been trying to keep down and managing to get away from most days reared up. And it only got worse when he watched them through his rearview mirror and saw David lean in to kiss Buck’s cheek before Buck got out of the car. Eddie wanted to punch something. 

It was confirmation. It was what Eddie had wanted an answer to but he didn’t want it like this. It didn’t bring him anything but annoyance even though it was a good thing. It shouldn’t have been a good thing. Except maybe it didn’t matter at all because Buck had someone else and that was that. And Eddie...he was too much of a mess for it to matter. 

He waited a few minutes after Buck had gone inside and after David drove off to go inside and other than nodding at a few of the others as he walked in, he said nothing. Not even to Buck when he got to the locker room and started changing. All he could think about was what would come after the shift was over and he could go out and fight. He could let everything out. His anger, his frustration, maybe the disappointment too. 

Eddie should have known that something would go wrong. His mind wasn’t fully in the fight and yet he wanted it and he let himself just let the adrenaline take over because it was easier to do that than think about Buck and what ifs because it was one thing when in his mind Buck was straight. Another was knowing there was a chance that Buck was into men and knowing that it would never happen between them. So he fought and he kept fighting long past when he should have known to stop. It was too late when he did. 

Eddie was sort of lucky that it wasn’t him and that at least he was there to call 9-1-1 and get help because no one else there would have done the same. It was just his luck that Lena Bosko and the 136 were the ones to answer the call. Lena helped him when the police arrived, but he could tell that she wasn’t happy to see him. 

When he was back in his car and he was heading home, Eddie felt panicked. He had no idea what was going to happen. That guy — he hoped he’d be fine. No, Eddie needed him to be fine because if he wasn’t then that made Eddie nothing short of a…

No, he couldn’t think on it. 

Eddie had no idea how or when he’d decided to head to Buck’s apartment instead of his own house, but that’s where he wound up and once he was there he didn’t regret it. He probably looked a mess. Sweaty and maybe a little bloody — even if the blood wasn’t his...and wasn’t that just worse? Still, he walked up to Buck’s apartment and he almost didn’t knock. But then he did. Buck opened the door in what felt like no time at all. 

“Eddie? Man, what are you doing here?” 

Buck probably couldn’t see how much of a mess he was yet under his hoodie but he would soon and Eddie didn’t know how he was going to explain or if the words would even leave his lips. He didn’t know what to expect from him either and that was scarier than anything. 

“Eddie? Are you okay?” Buck asked and he reached for Eddie’s arm, pulling him inside. Eddie moved, following Buck’s lead. 

In the kitchen behind Buck was someone else. David. Seeing him made Eddie want to rush away but Buck’s hold on his arm was strong. 

“I — I should go,” David said. “This seems...I’ll go.”

Buck barely nodded. His focus was on Eddie and Eddie felt jittery. He felt like he was barely holding on except that he was with Buck. Everything would be okay if he was with Buck. It was strange to think that and maybe to even know that after everything and yet it was true. He trusted Buck. He loved Buck. And he wasn’t good enough for him...not after everything he’d been doing and especially what had almost happened. Eddie could never tell him how he felt. He didn’t want for anything to ruin the friendship that he was only just getting back and anyway, there was someone else in Buck’s life already but Buck was still his best friend. He was still the one person that Eddie knew he could turn to. 

Distantly he heard the door close behind David and Eddie only spoke after he was gone. 

“I did something stupid,” Eddie said at last. 

“So something is going on with you,” Buck said. “I’ve been saying that all along but—”

Eddie gave a nod. “Buck, I—” it was hard to get the words out, they wanted to lodge themselves in his throat. “I almost killed someone tonight.”

Buck didn’t seem to know how to react to that. He sort of froze for a few seconds and then he moved, his hands landing on Eddie’s arms and his face so serious. He was frowning and his eyes seemed to be searching for something in Eddie. A few seconds later he’d pulled Eddie right into his arms and it was the first time that Eddie felt like he could breathe. He fell into Buck, breathed him in and for a moment everything else faded. He didn’t even care that his body was so sore and hurt that the hug was physically painful because Buck was holding him so tight and yet that mattered so much more than any pain that he was feeling. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” Buck said after some time. “Whatever it is that you’ve been doing that leaves you all bruised up. I mean, I can imagine. Eddie, I just...are you okay? Is everything okay?”

He couldn’t keep lying and pretending that everything was still okay. Nothing was okay. They hadn’t been for a while and Eddie had just...he’s been keeping it all in and there was just so much anger and pain and all of it was wrong. 

“I’ve been fighting,” Eddie whispered. 

Buck was still holding him. He hadn’t let go and instead a hand was rubbing up and down his back. Buck didn’t say anything. He didn’t back away either. 

“Needed to let off steam and I was — I am so angry. All the time. It got out of hand.” 

“You don’t say,” Buck said. 

Eddie let out a shuddered breath. He was shaky, emotional and just so so tired but Buck was there and he wasn’t pushing Eddie away or reacting negatively in any way. 

“It was an outlet. It was...it felt good. It made me feel better but tonight...I screwed up and they almost didn’t let me call 9-1-1 but I did and I just don’t know if he’ll be okay or how much damage I did and I didn’t know what to do or where to go so I just—”

“You came here,” Buck said and he pulled back a little, just enough so that they could face each other. 

“Yeah. I did.”

“I’m glad,” Buck said. 

“Even if I — even if I interrupted your date.” 

Eddie didn’t know why he said it. He wanted to take it back at once but it was already out there and Buck was frowning at him and seemingly trying to figure out what to say and then he reached up to touch Eddie’s forehead instead. 

“You’re...you have blood on your face. Are you — Eddie, are you hurt?” 

“Buck, I—”

“No. No. Come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” Buck said. “The other thing...we’ll deal with that later.” 

Buck took him to his bathroom and they didn’t speak as Eddie took off the hoodie and Eddie couldn’t meet Buck’s eyes as Buck took him in. The first thing Buck did was grab one of his hands, touching the bruised knuckles with a gentle sweep of his fingers. 

“Oh, Eddie,” he said and then nothing else as he started looking him over, his fingers running over bruises and looking at any cuts or scrapes a bit closer. Buck even went as far as to lift his shirt and Eddie could only let Buck take it off of him. 

It felt strange for Buck to be taking his shirt off...weird because Eddie wouldn’t have wanted it to happen like this and because Buck was looking at him and he was in firefighter mode, checking over his ribs because there was still some bruising left over from a different fight, and it was everything that Eddie could do to stay still and not react to Buck’s touch.

“You’re actually not too bad,” Buck said. 

“I — I didn’t take that many hits tonight,” Eddie admitted. No, instead he’d done a lot of the hitting. Probably too much of it. 

“Oh,” Buck said but he still grabbed alcohol and cleaned up the cuts that Eddie did have. He even wrapped Eddie’s hands with bandages. 

They went to Buck’s living room afterwards and sat down together.

“Hey, where’s Christopher right now?”

“With Abuela,” Eddie said. “He’s sleeping over.”

Buck nodded. “Okay. Good. I think I’d prefer if you stayed here tonight. You’re in no state to face your kid.”

“You’re being awfully calm about this,” Eddie said. 

Buck chuckled and he shook his head. “I think the last thing we need here is for me to yell at you despite how much I may want to. But all of this, Eddie. You have to stop. This can’t go on.” 

Buck was looking at him so earnestly that it hurt. It hurt to face someone like Buck who was rolling with the punches and just helping instead of making things harder. But Eddie didn’t know if he could stop. He wanted to — this night had been eye-opening and yet a part of Eddie knew that he needed that outlet. He needed to do something to make himself feel better because other than being around Buck, fighting had made him feel better. In control, maybe. 

“I know,” Eddie said. 

“I’m here, you know. And I wasn’t — I know I wasn’t here for a while and that’s my fault but I am now and you can come to me no matter what. It’s the whole best friend thing, you know?”

“Even when you’re on a date,” Eddie said. 

Buck rolled his eyes. “Even when I’m on a date, Eddie. Although why you’re still fixated on that baffles me.” 

Eddie didn’t know if he could ever explain it. He knew for sure that he wouldn’t be telling Buck about his feelings not with everything that was happening and when Buck had found someone else. A male someone else. 

“Just didn’t expect it,” Eddie said. 

Buck nodded. “Okay, then. Are you hungry?”

Eddie didn’t know if he could eat anything without wanting to throw it up so he shook his head but Buck went ahead and made them popcorn anyway. 

“You need to stop thinking about what happened so I figured a movie would do.”

“Okay,” Eddie said. 

Hours later they were still there watching something that Eddie didn’t know the title to. Buck sat right by his side with barely any space between them and when Buck eventually started to nod off, Eddie pushed him to go to bed. 

“I’ll stay on your couch, Buck. I’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure?”

Eddie nodded. “Positive. I’ll wake you if I need anything.”

He barely slept. The couch was actually comfortable to sleep on but Eddie couldn’t drift off. He turned from one side of the other and then paced a little and then Buck’s hands landed on his shoulders and he pushed Eddie to climb up the stairs. 

“I keep hearing you moving around. So come on, maybe the bed will help.”

He was already in Buck’s borrowed clothes but when he sat down on Buck’s bed, it felt like he was surrounded by Buck. His scent and his warmth and Buck’s voice talking to him even if the words didn’t register and then his hands pulling him to lay down. 

Somehow, he did start drifting off. He was more tired than he’d expected. Work and the fight had taken it out on him even if his mind wasn’t quite ready to let go but being with Buck, it was synonymous with feeling safe.

Buck joined him in bed and Eddie was completely still as Buck settled on his side and then Buck’s hand touched his back. 

“Relax, Eddie.”

Slowly he did and listening to Buck’s breathing lulled him. 

“In the wise words of Christopher, you’ll be okay, kid,” he heard Buck say just before he fell asleep. 

When he woke up the next morning, he felt just a little too warm but in a good way. In the limbs pressed together, the weight of an arm around his waist kind of way. His head was even cushioned on a shoulder rather than a pillow and it was possibly the best way to wake up. For a few glorious minutes everything seemed perfect. Then, the night before came back to him and not even being in bed with Buck — cuddling with Buck — could make any of it better. Things always needed to be faced in the light of the morning and as much as Eddie wanted nothing more than to stay where he was, taking what he could of being so close to Buck, he couldn’t. Slowly, he pulled away from Buck and he sat up. Buck sort of turned a bit still asleep. He looked peaceful and just so lovely. Unattainable. Not in the way that Eddie wanted, at least, because if there was one thing he was sure about, it was their friendship. 

He changed quickly, grabbed all his things and paused to look at Buck again just in time to see Buck stir.

“Buck. Hey, I’m...I’m heading out.”

Buck sat up. “Are you okay?”

Eddie shrugged. “Not freaking out like yesterday. But, I guess...I don’t know what happens now.”

Buck sat up a little higher. “You stop,” he said. “You don’t keep doing this anymore, that’s what happens. And, Eddie, I’m here. You have me now and I’m not going anywhere.”

He had him...except that he didn’t really. Still, he nodded at Buck. 

“Thanks. I’ll see you later, man.” 

Even though he knew that his Abuela could deal with taking Christopher to school, Eddie still headed to her house after he’d gone home and gotten ready for work. Seeing Christopher filled him with warmth and as Chris told him about how he’d spent the night with Abuela, Eddie tried not to think about the guy from the night before. It was taking everything in him not to just go to the hospital and find a way to find out how he was doing. But he refrained. 

He didn’t expect to see Bosko coming down the stairs at the station when he arrived or to have her call him out on his one-sided friendship. Worse was knowing she was right. He never tried to get to know her. Instead, he just told her about all of his issues and his troubles...he’d been thinking only about himself. Still, was, considering what he knew would await him when he saw Bobby who didn’t even want him to change before he saw him which could didn’t fare well.

He saw him and Eddie could tell at once that he knew everything and he felt like he was drowning. It was like the moments after the fight when he knew he screwed up majorly and yet Bobby was being calm about it. He didn’t yell or scream or say anything at first. 

“Look, Cap. I don’t know what Bosko told you—”

Bobby interrupted. “Captain Cooper called me last night. He recognized you from the tsunami. He wanted to give me a heads up about a potential problem in my house.”

That, Eddie hadn’t expected. “But Lena—”

“She was here when I pulled in this morning. Wanted to make sure I had a full picture and that I wasn’t too hard on you,” Bobby said.

And Eddie was an ass. Of course he was. Lena was right...it had been a one-way street with them and Eddie had been the only one getting anything out of it. And to think he’d been calling Buck selfish…

“Guess I owe her an apology,” Eddie muttered. 

“Take a seat,” Bobby said.

Eddie moved and he sat down and it felt like he was carrying all this extra weight. The weight of the guilt over what happened the night before and the uncertainty of what Bobby would have to say.

“It’s nothing,” Eddie said. “It’s— I’m fine. Just needed a place to let off some steam. Things got a little out of—”

“Control?” Bobby finished for him. “That’s what this is about, right? You’re the guy who always keeps it together no matter what life throws at you. You shake it off, keep moving forward.”

Bobby wasn’t wrong. It was how he was raised...how he had always needed to be because he couldn’t afford to fall apart. He’d already...all of this was that. It was him not knowing how to deal. 

“Lots of people have it worse,” Eddie said. 

“Eddie, I just want to make sure you don’t think you have to lose everything...before you can allow yourself to feel anything.”

But he already had lost everything. Sort of. He lost Shannon. Buck was — he was with someone else...someone that would in the end replace Eddie. He had Christopher. All he really needed was Christopher. 

“No, Christopher needs me to be in control. I’m the only parent he’s got left, and I can’t let him down again,” Eddie said and it was true.

“When did you let him down before?”

Eddie couldn’t help but laugh. “God, when did I not let him down? I wasn’t there when he was a baby. Stayed away too long, and it broke his mother. Shannon ran away, I — and I couldn’t stop her. I couldn’t bring her back home. So I brought him here and let her back into his life.”

And in retrospect it all felt like a mistake. Letting her back in...telling himself that he could be with her and that he could love her again and convincing himself of that. Bringing her to Christopher at Christmas and letting them bond again. All a mistake. 

“That’s what Christopher wanted,” Bobby said. 

“Yeah, but — but I knew better. She already left once. Broke his heart. You know, I was so afraid she was gonna do it again. She did.”

“She died, Eddie.”

He knew that. Logically, he knew that Shannon didn’t leave out of choice except that she had never really intended to stick around. Eddie had never told any of them. 

“Yeah, after she told me she wanted...a divorce. And I’m — I’m still mad. How stupid is that? I’m angry at a dead person and at myself because I forgave her...for everything, and — and it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. And then...then there’s everything else. The tsunami and Christopher’s nightmares. Buck and that damned lawsuit...it was like I was drowning and then Lena took me to one of the fights and it was an outlet. A way to deal.”

The emotion that had been threatening to fall did, then. He couldn’t help it...the way that it all came out because he was just so angry and upset and maybe that anger shouldn’t have been expressed physically but it had felt right and he’d always felt better after a fight. Not better enough to stop, but better.

“I think you need to see a therapist,” Bobby said. “And if you need to take time off work to deal with this, I’m open to it. I’m open to you continuing to work. But you need to get help.”

“Bobby, I—”

Eddie was getting ahold of himself. He took a breath and he nodded. “If that’s what I need to do then…”

“You do,” Bobby said. “Are you okay to work today?” 

“Yes.” 

Because if he didn’t, Eddie didn’t know what he might do. He needed to be at the station and at his job because it was one of the few places where he wouldn’t just dwell on everything and maybe go and do something stupid. 

“Okay. Go get changed.”

When he got to the locker room he found Buck who glanced up at him. “Hey,” he said. “You okay?” 

“Bobby knows,” Eddie said. 

And Buck just smiled tightly at him. “What does that mean? Is he suspending you or—”

“Therapy,” Eddie said. “But I can keep working.”

“Good. Don’t know how I would do this without you at my side,” Buck said and he touched Eddie’s shoulder. “You’re going to be okay, Diaz. I’ll see you up there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re around on my tumblr you’ll note that I have both ch. 12 and 13 finished. I just have to get around to editing but I am also working on ch. 14 and another buddie one-shot aimed at valentine’s day. I expect to post the next chapter probably in about a week or earlier if I get around to editing earlier. Thanks for reading. 
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/190560497202/next-to-me-11).


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been spending some time writing two buddie valentine’s day one-shots which has kept me from working on this fic as much as I’d like to but at last I got around to editing this chapter. 
> 
> This chapter is a Buck version of ch. 11 in that it heavily overlaps. I’m not a fan of writing the same scenes twice from different perspectives but it fit here. And we do have some Buck/David in here as well. Enjoy.

Things got back to normal. Well, normal for them with all the crazy things they had to deal with on a daily basis like going to some sort of ice show and spending a good portion of time looking for someone’s fingers. The best part of that call being that Bobby apparently used to figure skate. The worst, that Buck wasn’t exactly good on the ice and he wasn’t even wearing skates. 

In the end, Buck spent about an hour googling for pictures of Bobby and his figure skating partner. He found the partner on Facebook easily enough and then reached out to her even though he’d already found a few pictures of the two of them as kids. She had plenty more and was more than happy to share and even more excited when Buck told her he wanted to surprise Bobby with a print of one of the pictures. 

A few days later, he had it ready. Everyone had mostly forgotten about the whole figure skating thing in favor of whatever else was going on, but not Buck. 

He was sort of surprised when Eddie arrived in a brand new truck. Eddie’s explanation — his whole impulsive thing rubbed him the wrong way. That wasn’t Eddie. Eddie didn’t just buy a new car just like that in part because he didn’t have the money for it but also because Eddie had priorities. 

There was definitely something up with Eddie even if everyone else seemed to think that he was being pushy because despite Eddie talking to him again things hadn’t gone back to how they used to be. They were friends again, but Buck hadn’t seen Eddie outside of work since before the lawsuit. Eddie told him that Christopher was doing okay, but Eddie never said yes when Buck asked if they could hang out and he never once actually asked to see Buck. And Buck didn’t think it was his place to push too hard after everything even if he missed Christopher like crazy and Eddie too, for that matter. 

So, Buck just let it go. He figured eventually Eddie would tell him or that things would really go back to normal between them. 

They kept going on calls and they were partners, working seamlessly with each other. In that things were easy. Buck just felt like there was something else, a tension that just hung between them and that Buck was sure had to do with the lawsuit still.

Everyone else was past it. He and Bobby had talked it all out on the day after Halloween and the whole incident after Buck had left work early. 

Buck would forever remember the way that Bobby had rushed into the hospital looking for him and how worried he looked...the relief that had come over him when he finally saw Buck. And suddenly, he got it. Why Bobby had done what he did. But Buck just needed to make sure that Bobby understood why Buck had been so desperate...enough to do what he’d done with the lawsuit. 

They went out to breakfast and for the first time in a while, Buck felt like he and Bobby could go back to where they used to be before everything. He wasn’t waiting for Bobby to throw him a bone and let him do more than hang out at the station for hours. He wasn’t resentful of the way that Bobby was more Captain Nash than his friend. 

Afterwards, he’d even secured an invitation to dinner with Bobby and Athena. 

“But let’s make sure you aren’t going to throw up blood or leave to sue one of us in the middle, alright?” 

“I’ll try my best,” Buck said. 

The dinner went well and since May and Harry were around, it made everything a bit lighter and easier. Mostly, Buck was happy to see Athena in person to apologize for how the last dinner had gone. When she was suspended after arresting the man that killed her fiance, he went to visit her again. 

“You didn’t have to come, Buck,” she said at the door. 

“I did. Wanted to make sure you were doing okay.” 

“You’re sweet. And you may as well come in. I made some muffins earlier today.” 

Buck grinned at her. “Keeping busy?”

“Well, there isn’t much else to do around here, is there? And Bobby’s got one thing right about how distracting baking and cooking can be.”

“I watched a lot of cooking shows while I was out of work. Didn’t quite work up the nerve to make any of them. Bobby really only got as far as breakfast with me.”

Athena laughed and it felt like he was doing something right. 

The next time he saw Athena, she was cooking them all food at the station and he could tell that the time away from work was driving her a little crazy. Or maybe a lot crazy. He understood that well. It had to be even more frustrating when it was due to a disciplinary matter instead of an injury. 

After Athena left, they had a series of easy calls and then they went to a bar where two women had gotten into a drunken fight and the last thing that Buck expected was to see David. He hadn’t thought about David since New Year’s Eve. David hadn’t crossed his mind at all and then there he was calling Buck’s name and wanting Buck’s phone number. Eddie stood right there in the middle of it and it was only after they were leaving that Buck even remembered that Eddie hadn’t been there that night to see him and David. Buck never told him he was bi. There had never been a good time to do it, but also, Buck had just avoided it. 

Buck had actively not told him, in fact. Had felt too awkward to bring it up. It was maybe more awkward for Eddie to find out because of the guy that Buck had almost hooked with on New Year’s Eve. 

“What was that about?” Eddie asked point blank. 

Buck had no way to answer it without bringing up his sexuality and it wasn’t that he expected Eddie to have something against it...it was that it was something he’d kept from him. An important part of himself. It felt like being dishonest and Buck just didn’t know how to deal with it especially when they were in the truck with everyone else. 

“Um, just...he’s a guy I met once. We hung out on New Years Eve.”

“And—”

“And nothing,” Buck said and then he turned away to look out the window because that was easier to do and maybe Eddie would just drop it. 

When Eddie didn’t say anything, Buck felt relieved. Maybe he would let it go and then Buck could have some time to figure out how to say it. How to come out to his best friend. He should have known that once they were back at the station that Eddie would question him again. 

“Buck, you never give your phone out on calls. I’m just...I’m surprised,” Eddie said.

“I don’t give out my number to random people,” Buck said and he felt a little better about the direction the conversation was going. “David...he’s a friend.”

“A friend,” Eddie said. “Just...just a friend?”

Buck had to stop what he was doing and actually look at Eddie because that sounded a bit accusatory and that just wasn’t going to fly. He didn’t expect that from Eddie. Even if they had never spoken about their views on sexuality and the like, Eddie was so clearly fine with Hen and Karen and anyone else that they had even come upon on a call that was clearly LGBTQ. 

“What is your problem, Eddie? Why are you pushing this?” 

“Because you’re my best friend and there’s clearly something I’m missing here,” Eddie said and he was all squinty eyed and looking a bit defensive and Buck didn’t like that look on him, not when it came to this. 

Buck was glad that everyone else had left them to it. Hen and Chim weren’t back from the hospital yet and Bobby had walked upstairs and everyone else seemed to be of the idea that they didn’t want to be involved. Buck had no idea how many of them even knew about his sexuality. New Year’s Eve seemed so far away that Buck couldn’t remember who had been there on that call and who hadn’t and he’d never spoken about it afterwards aside from that conversation with Hen but the others probably had talked about it to the others. It was kind of a wonder that Eddie hadn’t heard about it. 

Eddie was looking at him with one part expectation and another annoyance. And after everything, Buck realized that Eddie didn’t deserve anything from him. Not when he had secrets of his own. Not that this was even a secret. Buck just didn’t like how Eddie was coming at him over it. So he chuckled a bit as he looked to Eddie again. 

“Look, man, how about this, when you start being a little more honest about whatever it is you’re doing that has you all bruised up all the time maybe you can start demanding answers from everyone else.” 

Then, Buck walked away. 

He didn’t actually intend to get in contact with David. Except that David seemed intent on contacting him. So when David texted him that they should do dinner, Buck figured that it couldn’t hurt. After Eddie’s reaction, it kind of just made sense that maybe Buck did need to open his horizons and find someone new. David wasn’t new, but he was attractive and interested and if there was one thing that Buck did remember, it was that David was an amazing kisser. 

David was still a good kisser. 

They went out to a small casual restaurant and Buck was happy with how casual the whole thing was. But, he also had forgotten how charming and wonderful David was. He was also easy on the eyes and Buck...he was just a guy and pretty men really did do something to him. 

They didn’t exactly plan on heading back to either of their places, but they’d been walking around after dinner and David had pulled him into a secluded spot against a tree and kissed him and Buck had just gone with it. He’d given as good as he got and lost himself to the sensations of having a warm body pressed up into his and having a tongue lick into his mouth and the way that all of it just sent sparks of arousal right down to his groin. He lost himself in the way that David whined a little bit into their kisses and how when they were panting for air, David just didn’t stop. He mouthed and kissed along Buck’s jaw and down his neck. It had been so long since he’d done anything like it and Buck couldn’t say he didn’t want David. Or maybe anyone at all. 

“Want to go back to mine?” David asked.

Buck didn’t remember saying yes, but he did remember kissing him outside his door and then going in and being pressed up hard against the closed door. 

Back in his Buck 1.0 days, Buck never really gave any of his hook-ups much thought. He didn’t bother with thinking. But he was a different person and parts of him knew that it wasn’t healthy to fall back into doing the whole getting laid thing without some sort of emotional connection. Still, he didn’t care. Any hesitation went out the window when David had gotten Buck’s shirt off and he was kissing down his neck and down down down to his naval and then licking the skin right above where his jeans began. 

He groaned as David fondled him through his jeans, squeezing and smirking up at Buck because he knew just what he was doing. But his smile was wrong. His eyes were the wrong color. His hair was a different texture. He was even too pale. It didn’t mean that Buck didn’t let David give him a blowjob and that later he didn’t push David into his own bed and that he returned the favor. 

The next day he woke up late due to the lack of alarm clock and because his phone was dead. He was in David’s bed. David’s bed was big enough that neither of them had even been in each other’s space but David still woke up when Buck got up. 

“Hey,” he said.

“I have to get to work,” Buck told him. 

David got up, then. “I’ll give you a ride, then.”

David had picked him up for their dinner and Buck’s car was back at his apartment. Buck may not have had a change of clothes for after his shift, but he did have all his gear and uniform at the station so it didn’t even make sense to waste time going home. 

“Uh, if you don’t mind. I can take an uber.”

“No, no, I’ll drive you. Gives me an excuse to spend more time with you. And an excuse to pick you up after work.”

The way that David looked at him, like he was a piece of candy that he couldn’t wait to tear open, it made Buck warm. And maybe a little bit like David cared about one thing and one thing only. 

“It’s a good thing it’s not a twenty four hour shift, then,” Buck said. 

They got to the station a bit earlier than expected so Buck stayed in the car with David, telling him about one of the recent calls. 

“You’re amazing, you know. Just a hero. I’m so happy I found you again.” 

“Me too,” Buck said and he was. 

Maybe David wasn’t someone that Buck could see himself spending the rest of his life with, but he was someone he liked. Someone that was interested in him in a genuine way. He was someone that could take his mind off Eddie and whatever was going on with him that was making him act so strangely. Buck felt mildly bad about it, but he needed someone like David to help him move on from his crush. His very unrequited crush.

He kissed David before heading inside. 

Eddie seemed to be keeping some space between them, not enough for anyone else to comment on, but enough for Buck to notice that things weren’t normal. He didn’t try to question it, though, because he knew that Eddie would either really brush him off or that it might spark something else. 

They went out to a call where a woman had suffered a seizure while driving. Then later, a call out to the mall where some teenagers had been horsing around and one of them fell off a banister and somehow got tangled up in an advertisement banner that ran from the first floor up to the ceiling. When his shift ended, Buck walked out to find David already waiting. 

“As fun as your place was last night, how about we go to mine and we get something to eat? I’m starving,” Buck said. 

He was kind of tired and mostly just ready to do nothing but it felt rude to ask David just to drop him off. 

“How was work?”

Buck told him what he could about his day. Conversation flowed easily and when they arrived at his apartment, David let him go get changed and cleaned up because he was still wearing his clothes from the night before. But when he rejoined him, hair wet and wearing just sweatpants and a t-shirt, David whistled at him and Buck could just laugh and try not to blush. 

“So, any decisions on food?” Buck asked.

“Not really. You’re the one that’s hungry.”

“Alright, then,” Buck said. 

David was fun to hang out with. He was fun to look at too and there was just no pressure. No questioning if what he was doing was wrong or too much. No wondering what was being kept from him. But the drawback was that David didn’t really know Buck...he had surface knowledge of him and nothing much deeper. It was nice in some ways because it was like a blank slate but it also meant that Buck had to talk about himself and learn about David too. Buck was a people person...he enjoyed getting to know people but this was a guy that he’d made out with a few times, exchanged blowjobs with, and who was nice and liked him and was there and yet he wasn’t what Buck wanted. It felt like Ali all over again. 

“You want to hang around a bit longer?” Buck asked after they finished eating. 

David shrugged. “Spend more time with you? Who would say no to that?” 

David grabbed his hand as they headed over to the couch and Buck grabbed the remote. He put on something random on Netflix, sure that neither of them would even be watching it and sure enough, David was pressed up against his side and looking at him, smiling just a bit. 

“You’re gorgeous, you know that?” David said.

Buck chuckled. “You’re not too bad yourself.”

David’s fingers were on his face, then, and Buck leaned into the touch and in the next moment they were kissing and kissing and kissing. Buck lost himself to it for a while but he didn’t push for more. Eventually, they sort of just turned to watch whatever Buck had put on but that interspersed with more kissing and eventually they were both flat on the couch and David’s shirt had been opened at some point. They stopped when David’s phone started ringing. 

“I should probably get that,” David said. 

They got up and Buck walked to the kitchen to get a drink. David had straightened out his shirt while he took the call, but he came up behind Buck and wrapped an arm around his waist. 

“And that was?” Buck asked as he turned so they were facing each other. 

“My mom,” David said. “She wants me over for dinner this weekend.”

“Ah,” Buck said. 

Buck took a gulp of his water and was about to press their lips together once more when he heard knocking on his door. David raised an eyebrow but Buck shrugged. It really could be anyone. Maddie or Bobby or maybe even Hen who seemed to be going through something even if she hadn’t shared it with any of them yet. 

“I should get that,” Buck said and he headed to the door. He didn’t expect to see Eddie. Eddie was maybe the last person he expected after the cold shoulder he was getting from him.

He just stood there with a hood over his head and Buck thought that maybe he was even shaking.

“Eddie? Man, what are you doing here? Eddie? Are you okay?” Buck asked and when Eddie looked like he might turn around and just leave, he reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him inside. 

He had forgotten about David entirely to focus on Eddie, but he felt Eddie sort of stiffen a bit so Buck held on. 

“I — I should go,” David said, looking at Buck. “This seems...I’ll go.”

David was a good guy. Buck liked him. He liked him a lot. But with Eddie right there clearly in some distress, Buck knew what mattered more. He nodded at David but his eyes didn’t leave Eddie not even when David’s hand landed on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. 

Buck heard David pick up his things and then he was gone. Eddie’s hood was still up and left a shadow on his face, keeping him closed off. Buck had no idea what he was supposed to do. Was this when he pushed for answers or did he let Eddie tell him what was wrong? Was he just supposed to be supportive or was there something else for him to do? 

“I did something stupid,” Eddie said at last. His voice was full of emotion, a little rough, and low. 

“So something is going on with you,” Buck said. “I’ve been saying that all along but—” Buck trailed off not sure where that was headed. 

Eddie nodded. “Buck, I—” 

Buck waited. It was the only thing he could do because he didn’t know if anything he said could help. 

“I almost killed someone tonight.”

That...that was not what Buck had expected. It hit him like a shock and he could only look at Eddie as questions popped into his head. He wanted to know what happened...he wanted to know if Eddie was alright. But...no, Eddie was so clearly not okay. That’s what needed his attention most. Eddie. 

Buck reached for him, one of his hands on Eddie’s cheek and the other on his bicep because Eddie didn’t seem to want to meet his eyes but Buck needed to see him. He needed to see this man that he admired and loved and that he respected too much and know that he was still there. And he was. He was Eddie. His Eddie. And Buck needed to hug him. He needed to hold him. 

Eddie fell into the hug, his body pressing so tight into Buck that Buck just clutched him to him. Eddie’s face was pressed into his neck, his breaths ghosting over Buck’s collarbone and Buck’s hand was moving over his back, running up and down.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Buck said when some time had passed. “Whatever it is that you’ve been doing that leaves you all bruised up. I mean, I can imagine. Eddie, I just...are you okay? Is everything okay?”

It was the better route, the supportive one. The being the person that you’d call if you ever needed to move a body because that was what it was like with him and Eddie and that would never change. 

“I’ve been fighting,” Eddie whispered. “Needed to let off steam and I was — I am so angry. All the time. It got out of hand.” 

“You don’t say,” Buck said. 

Eddie let out a shuddered breath. He was shaky, emotional and Buck just kept rubbing his back, trying to keep his own feelings at bay because he needed to be there for Eddie. He listened while Eddie talked and was even a little surprised that Eddie was saying anything at all because he was just so closed off all the time. 

“It was an outlet. It was...it felt good. It made me feel better but tonight...I screwed up and they almost didn’t let me call 9-1-1 but I did and I just don’t know if he’ll be okay or how much damage I did and I didn’t know what to do or where to go so I just—”

“You came here,” Buck said and he just felt so good hearing that despite the circumstances...the knowing that Eddie had thought to go to Buck. 

Buck pulled back, but didn’t let go and he could see Eddie.

“Yeah. I did,” Eddie said. 

“I’m glad,” Buck said. 

“Even if I — even if I interrupted your date.” 

It was weird the way that Eddie said that and Buck...he really didn’t know what to think. The way he’d been so pushy the other day and how he’d looked like he was ready to leave the moment he realized that David was there with Buck. It was the wrong thing to focus with everything else happening and yet the way that Eddie was looking at him made him curious. 

Eddie’s hood had fallen back and Buck could see him better. There was blood on his face. Maybe elsewhere too. Slowly, he raised a hand touched Eddie’s forehead with the tips of his fingers, wiping the dried blood away. 

“You’re...you have blood on your face. Are you — Eddie, are you hurt?” 

“Buck, I—”

“No. No. Come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” Buck said and it was a distraction as much as absolutely necessary. “The other thing...we’ll deal with that later.” 

Eddie was hurt. He had bruises and cuts and scrapes. Some were new and some were old but his body was covered in some hurt or another and it shouldn’t have been like that. Buck focused on helping him and not the way that Eddie looked without a shirt. Better than anyone that Buck had ever seen before if he were honest. He was all muscle, hard lines and lean panes and the part of Buck that didn’t think with his upstairs head wanted to kiss every inch of skin. But he probably wouldn’t ever get the chance. Buck tried not to linger when he touched Eddie, his fingers going over old bruises or new ones and checking that nothing was truly wrong. Eddie really was lucky that he wasn’t injured more but remembering all the times that he’d seen him wince since returning to work made Buck think that at certain points he probably had taken bad hits. 

Afterwards, he took Eddie to the living room. “Hey, where’s Christopher right now?”

“With Abuela,” Eddie said. “He’s sleeping over.”

Buck nodded. “Okay. Good.”

Buck hadn’t asked before because he’d known that Eddie would have left Christopher with someone he trusted. He was glad that Chris wasn’t expecting Eddie home too because Buck was going to be a little selfish and keep his dad. 

“I think I’d prefer if you stayed here tonight. You’re in no state to face your kid.”

“You’re being awfully calm about this,” Eddie said but it wasn’t a no. 

Buck chuckled and he shook his head. The truth was that he didn’t know quite how to feel. He wasn’t happy about what Eddie had been doing and the danger that he was putting himself and others in. He wasn’t happy about what had nearly happened earlier in the night, but it wasn’t something that Buck could change. 

“I think the last thing we need here is for me to yell at you despite how much I may want to.. But all of this, Eddie. You have to stop. This can’t go on.” 

Buck would do everything in his power to stop Eddie from continuing on like he was even if it meant sticking close to him and watching his every move. Buck would do it. 

“I know,” Eddie said. 

“I’m here, you know,” Buck said because he didn’t think that Eddie actually did know that. Then again, he had come to Buck so there was that. But he’d been gone and unable to talk to him and in that time Eddie had gone and started street fighting. “And I wasn’t — I know I wasn’t here for a while and that’s my fault but I am now and you can come to me no matter what. It’s the whole best friend thing, you know?”

“Even when you’re on a date,” Eddie said. 

Buck rolled his eyes. “Even when I’m on a date, Eddie. Although why you’re still fixated on that baffles me.” 

Eddie didn’t seem keen on answering and Buck didn’t know what he wanted the answer to be. Did it bother Eddie that Buck was sort of seeing a guy? Or was it something else that Buck wasn’t considering. 

“Just didn’t expect it,” Eddie said. 

Buck wanted to ask what he meant but it didn’t feel like it was the time to ask. “Okay, then. Are you hungry?”

Eddie just shook his head but Buck figured at the very least popcorn wouldn’t hurt. He started up a movie — something that he knew might help distract Eddie. Eddie was watching him a bit confused but he settled down next to Buck They were side by side, shoulders touching even as they relaxed on Buck’s couch. It was well into a second movie when Buck started to nod off. He didn’t even think that Eddie had noticed it, but Eddie nudged him and sent him to bed. 

“I’ll stay on your couch, Buck. I’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. I’ll wake you if I need anything.”

Buck was a little skeptical about Eddie getting any sleep at all but he went up anyway and got ready for bed. He didn’t know what to make of everything because Eddie wasn’t okay. He wouldn’t be okay for a while and at least Buck knew what was going on now but that didn’t mean he knew how to fix it. Being a shoulder for Eddie to lean on was one thing, but maybe he needed more than that. And Buck, he had no idea if this was something that he should mention to Bobby or if Eddie would be able to stop and get better on his own. 

It was probably an hour of lying in his bed staring at the ceiling and listening to Eddie moving down on the couch before he got up and went to fetch him for both of their sanities. In the dark he could barely make anything out but he made it over to Eddie and Eddie didn’t even put up too much of a fight. 

“I keep hearing you moving around. So come on, maybe the bed will help.”

Eddie sat down on the bed, turned away from Buck and Buck figured it was as good as any time to talk. 

“I never thought this was what was going on with you. I thought you were just pulling away because of the lawsuit and I’m thinking all of that didn’t help all of this. Your anger...the fighting. I’m sorry, Eddie. I’m sorry for all of that. But I’m here for you no matter what you’re going through. But you need to sleep. We have work tomorrow. Come on.” 

He dropped his hands on Eddie’s shoulders and pulled him to lay down. Eddie complied with no protest, curled into himself on that side of the bed and Buck laid down next to him and he touched Eddie’s back, hand moving up and down and towards the curve of his shoulders. 

“Relax, Eddie.”

Eddie did and slowly but surely he seemed to be falling asleep. 

“In the wise words of Christopher, you’ll be okay, kid,” Buck murmured and he dared to press a kiss onto Eddie’s shoulder where his hand had just been. 

It took a while longer before he fell asleep. Eddie uncurled in his sleep, turning slightly so that Buck could actually see him. Buck fell asleep looking at Eddie and imagining what it might be like to have him there at his side every night. 

The next morning he woke up slowly and found Eddie fully dressed and standing next to his bed. 

“Buck. Hey, I’m...I’m heading out,” Eddie said.

That woke him up. Buck sat up. “Are you okay?”

Eddie shrugged. “Not freaking out like yesterday. But, I guess...I don’t know what happens now.”

Buck sat up a little higher. He had no idea what came next either. This was new territory but Buck knew one thing. “You stop,” he said. “You don’t keep doing this anymore, that’s what happens. And, Eddie, I’m here. You have me now and I’m not going anywhere.”

Eddie nodded. “Thanks. I’ll see you later, man.” 

Later turned out to be at the station at the locker room. When Eddie walked in, he looked like he’d been crying. 

“Hey,” Buck said. “You okay?” 

“Bobby knows,” Eddie said. 

Buck was glad that was the case. Bobby needed to know and Eddie needed the support that he was sure Bobby could offer him. 

“What does that mean? Is he suspending you or—”

“Therapy,” Eddie said. “But I can keep working.”

“Good. Don’t know how I would do this without you at my side,” Buck said and he touched Eddie’s shoulder. “You’re going to be okay, Diaz. I’ll see you up there.”

When he walked up it was only Bobby in the kitchen and Buck headed straight towards him. “Thanks for letting Eddie keep working,” Buck said. 

“So, you know about all of this too? Didn’t think I’d need to know?”

Buck shook his head. “Cap, I found out last night when he showed up at my apartment. He looked bad.”

Bobby sighed and he smiled a tight smile. “Guys like Eddie, they hold everything in and then it just bursts like a dam. He’s angry...he’s feeling more than he knows how to deal with. It’s been a tough year and not just for him.”

“You can say that again,” Buck said. “I just wonder if...if it would have made a difference if I was here or if I didn’t remove myself so completely from everyone.”

“You can’t be responsible for everything, Buck.” 

“I guess not,” Buck said. 

He kept not only physically close to Eddie for the rest of the day, but also watched him closely. Bobby was probably doing the same. But it was Hen that ended up needing them more. Arriving at the scene of the accident and seeing the way that Hen was so desperately trying to help the young woman in the car hurt. Buck couldn’t imagine being in her position and he was glad when he spotted Athena going to Hen. 

The girl died. There was nothing for them to do. 

The next few days felt longer than any before. The whole accident was under investigation which meant that Hen wasn’t allowed to work. She wasn’t ready for it even if the department had cleared her of fault. Eddie began going to therapy. Maddie was going to therapy too. Buck was sure that Hen would be seeing a therapist too. 

Buck mostly spent his time doing research. He looked into how to help Eddie, he read up on better ways to deal with anger and he told Eddie about all the different things he could do from boxing to finding a creative outlet. And then he lost himself to reading up on weird and strange natural disasters from things like flooding, wildfires, hurricanes, meteor showers, tornados, and tsunamis. It was one of the things that helped with dealing with having gone through a tsunami. In a way, going through it had mostly just piqued his interest. 

When Eddie found out about it, he thought it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. 

“It’s — well, it’s kind of cute that this interests you.” 

Every night that they were off work since the night Eddie had showed up at his apartment, they had spent together. In a way it was because Buck insisted so that way he was sure that Eddie wasn’t out fighting, but he could tell that Eddie wanted it too and that Eddie seemed to relax a bit. 

Christopher was with Carla the first night and Eddie went home right before Christopher’s bed time. The next night Christopher was at a sleepover with a friend from school and Eddie left well after midnight and after promising Buck that he would be fine on his own. After that they were both on a twenty four hour shifts, staying overnight at the station. The night after that, Christopher was with Eddie and Buck was surprised when Christopher practically pounced on him. 

“Buck!” 

“Chris!” 

“So, I take it you two missed each other,” Eddie said. 

“You bet,” Buck said and he bent down low to look at Chris. “Hey, bud. We have lots to catch up on, eh?”

Christopher giggled and nodded and Buck couldn’t help but pull him into a hug. It had been too long since he’d seen this kid. Looking at Eddie over his shoulder, he could tell that Eddie felt bad about it. 

“Should have brought him around sooner,” Eddie said. 

“Don’t worry about it. Things were a bit tense. I’m glad you’re both here now.”

The thing about Eddie monopolizing all of his free time was that Buck had no time for anyone else. It meant that Buck had sort of been blowing off David pretty much from the moment that Eddie had turned up at his place the night of his last fight. But the thing about it was that he didn’t even feel all that guilty because Eddie kind of needed him and as fun as it was to hang out with David, he didn’t think he would ever like him quite enough. And Buck was aware that he was probably courting heartache, but he couldn’t help it. It just was what it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we are back with Eddie and I really love the next chapter. It will probably be up sometime next week.  
Thanks for reading. 
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/190708349082/next-to-me-12).


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been so long since the last update and I am so sorry. This did happen for a few reasons: I took on the challenge of writing some fics for the buddietines week and all three were far longer than I expected them to be (one of them is over 10k) and it took up not only a lot of my time but my mental capacity to write. And if you haven't read them go do it, they're all fluffy and cute! The other reason is work and other distractions. But, anyway, enjoy.

Nothing was easy. Eddie had known for a long time that life wasn’t ever simple or easy. He hated the idea of therapy — of going to see some stranger and just spilling out everything. It wasn’t at all appealing. But it was mandatory. He and Frank...they didn’t really click. 

The first few times, Eddie mostly talked about everything that had happened in the last few months. He talked about Christopher and the nightmares and what it had done to him to find out that Chris had been drawing his mom and that he was still struggling with knowing she was gone. He hadn’t even realized how much he was struggling with it until he spoke to Bobby. Grief was strange. 

But it was easier the more that he talked and the more that he allowed himself to feel things. The part about it that was weird was how numb he was to things sometimes. Eddie hadn’t even realized that things had been like that for him. Even happy things didn’t quite feel right. Worse were the bad things. Everything that happened with Hen hit hard and it was worse because Eddie had no idea how to help. None of them did. Hen was dealing with some heavy guilt on top of all the trouble she and Karen were having. 

Christopher always made things better. When he was cuddling up to him, or when he was talking a mile a minute about school or hanging out with Buck. Or when he was quieter and tired and leaning on Eddie and just so loving and perfect. He was so damn lucky to have a kid like him. 

Focusing on getting better and letting go of any of the residual anger, it meant that Eddie didn’t give himself time to think about other things. Buck things. 

They never talked about Buck’s sexuality. Eddie didn’t bring it up because he felt weird when he knew his reaction had made Buck defensive. And then there was David. Buck didn’t even talk about him with Eddie or anyone else. He also probably wasn’t seeing much of him. Eddie didn’t feel at all guilty for taking up so much of Buck’s time. But then, Buck seemed happy to have him around. For Eddie, being around Buck gave him peace. 

Everything came to a head when David showed up at the station. Buck wasn’t even there. It was one of the days where Buck was working only twelve hours and hadn’t yet come in. Eddie had already been there for eight and most of them had been spent out on calls. He was exhausted. 

“Hi, can I help you?” Bobby asked. 

Eddie who was upstairs looked down and found David standing between the trucks and Bobby walking towards him. 

“I’m looking for Buck. I, um...I’m—”

“He’s not here,” Bobby said, quick to the chase. “When I see him, I’ll let him know someone was looking for him.” 

David happened to glance up and he caught Eddie’s eye. Eddie gave him a nod. 

“Yeah,” David said. “I guess...can you tell him to text me back.”

The warm and excited feeling that settled in his gut was surprising. Eddie hadn’t known that Buck was essentially ghosting David. He’d just figured that Buck was still talking to him even if they didn’t see much of each other. It didn’t mean that Eddie actually knew what to do with the information. He had no idea what it meant. 

When Buck did finally come in, Eddie heard Bobby tell him about David stopping by. 

Buck rubbed the back of his neck and shuffled his feet. “I’ve been putting that off. Damn, didn’t think he’d come in here.”

When Buck had changed and joined them upstairs, he sat down next to Eddie on the couch. “So, anything interesting happen while I wasn’t here?”

“Not much,” Eddie said just as a call rang out. 

The call was out to a victim that had been hit during the meteor shower. A small meteorite had gone straight through the roof of her house and then through her and her weighted blanket and her futon. Buck of course started rattling off facts about meteorites and Eddie just found the whole thing endearing. He found most of the things that Buck did endearing. 

They got the girl out onto the ambulance futon and all and Buck just kept talking about how unique the incident was. He’d been sort of obsessing over natural disasters of late but apparently it was a good coping mechanism. 

It was only once they were back at the station that they changed the subject. They were hanging out waiting for the next call and talking about Hen. Eddie had actually seen her when he was leaving Frank’s office. She’d looked sad and despondent. They hadn’t had time to really say more than hello, but Eddie had been left hoping that Frank might be able to help Hen because while Eddie was finding that therapy at least allowed him to talk things out, that Frank wasn’t really making much of a difference for him. 

Hearing that Buck had slept with his therapist made him pause because no way that he looked at it could he figure out if that was okay, but Buck called him out on going through a “phase” and that dropped the subject. Eddie was mostly questioning why Buck talked about the whole thing so casually. At least that therapist didn’t work with the department anymore. 

The rest of the shift was kind of quiet. They had a call to a woman in distress that quickly got transported to the nearest hospital and then there was a car crash. By the time that their shift ended, Eddie was still mostly tired and just ready to go home to his son. 

“We still on for tomorrow?” Buck asked when they were heading out to their cars. 

“Yeah. Your place?” 

“Sure,” Buck said with a nod. “I’m meeting up with Maddie earlier in the day but I shouldn’t be home too late.”

Christopher was waiting for him with Carla at home. Chris was coloring something that would end up hung up somewhere in the house, and Carla was watching something on the tv. They both looked up when he entered. 

“Daddy, you’re home!”

His heart warmed seeing his kid. He hugged and kissed Christopher before hugging Carla. Christopher returned to his drawing like he always did and Eddie just watched him for a while. 

“How was work?” Carla asked.

“It was work,” Eddie said. “Nothing too crazy happened. Although, a meteor from the shower went right through this girl. She’s going to be okay but it was kinda crazy.”

“That doesn’t happen often,” Carla said. 

“No, it doesn’t. You can ask Buck all about it. He’ll talk your ear off.”

Carla laughed. 

Most of the next day went quickly. Eddie went grocery shopping and he did laundry and he cleaned most of the house. When Christopher got out of school he took him to physical therapy and then back home. He was a bit tired but not enough to cancel plans with Buck especially since Christopher was excited about going over. 

He picked up pizza and beer on the way to Buck’s and then because Christopher insisted, he also bought cookies. Buck met them at the door and while Eddie took the food and drink into the kitchen, Buck hung back with Christopher who was already giggling at something Buck said to him. 

“Hey, so how was Maddie? Is she doing any better with the therapy?”

Buck shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, it clearly didn’t work for her the first time,” Buck said and he helped Christopher into a chair. “Anyway, she had a crazy day today. I’ll fill you in later.” 

The thing about being anywhere near Buck was that Eddie could just be. He wasn’t trying to put on any kind of act or hide anything other than his attraction for him. He wasn’t really angry anymore but things were still a little off with him. He’d said as much to Frank during his last session. One of the few things that always kind of bothered him when he was around Buck was how much he liked Buck and not just as his best friend. Eddie just didn’t know what to do about it. 

Eddie was still grieving Shannon even though their romantic relationship had been over long before she died even if Eddie had been hanging on to it. He had Christopher to think about. He had his friendship with Buck to think about. After all, the last time that the two of them had been at odds things had fallen apart and Eddie was sure that they would fall apart again if Eddie told him and Buck didn’t reciprocate. It was becoming a secondary problem that they were both men. A silly one for him to have worried about at all. 

Buck fetched them plates. 

“Living room?” he asked with a tilt of his head and Eddie could only nod and smile and before Eddie could move to Christopher, Buck already had him back on the ground. 

Eddie stopped on his tracks when he made it to the living room. 

“So, see, I thought it might be easier on you if you had a different way to get out that frustration,” Buck said.

“Mortal Kombat?” 

Buck grinned and nodded and then nudged him to move. Eddie just chuckled but he moved to sit next to where Chris had settled in, looking curiously at the tv. 

“You know what, you’re hilarious, Buck,” Eddie said. 

They ate and played and Chris was entertained by just watching. Buck kept him interested by having Christopher try and guess who was going to win. It was fun, it was light...there was no thinking involved and Eddie just really loved Buck. 

Buck’s phone rang in the middle of one of their fights and Buck paused it. 

“Is that David?” Eddie asked, bracing himself.

“Oh...no,” Buck said. “I talked to him. Ended it...not that there was really much to end but I don’t — I guess I don’t have time for him…” Buck trailed off as he looked at his phone. “It’s, um, it’s Maddie. Just letting me know she’s okay.”

“You said something happened with her?”

Buck filled him in and Eddie couldn’t believe it. He remembered when Buck mentioned Maddie starting therapy again around the same time that he had, but he’d never gotten a full story for why. To hear that she’d been trying to help someone in a situation like hers wasn’t that surprising. That was who Maddie and Buck were. They were helpers. 

While they were talking Eddie started cleaning up. He gave Christopher his phone as a distraction while Buck told him about being with Maddie at the hospital for a few hours waiting for the police. A waste of their time seeing as how it all ended. 

“So she shoots him and then takes him back,” Eddie said with some awe. 

“Yeah.”

“And I thought my marriage was complicated. How’s your sister taking it?”

“It’s uh — it’s kind of rough on her,” Buck said. They were in the kitchen and Buck was looking at him. “You know, I think she thought she could save Tara from Vincent. But you know, she’s realizing that you can’t save someone from themselves.” He looked at Eddie so pointedly. “Not if they don’t want it.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Eddie said. 

“Especially if you aren’t around to see that they need saving,” Buck added and Eddie knew exactly what he was getting at. But Buck wasn’t to blame. It was all on Eddie. “Look, I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Eddie. You and Chris needed me, and I had my head so far up my own behind with that stupid lawsuit—”

Eddie couldn’t hear it. He couldn’t let Buck keep bringing that up and apologizing like what he’d done alone could explain everything that happened to Eddie or like Eddie wouldn’t have started fighting or done something else stupid in order to cope if Buck had been around. All that was on him, not Buck. 

“We’re way past that, Buck,” Eddie said. 

“—I’m not. I should have been there. Maybe I could have...talked some sense into you.”

“You talk sense into me. That’d’ve been interesting,” Eddie said.

Buck sort of shrugged. “I would have told you not to buy that truck.”

“Yeah...you’d have talked me into buying something more expensive,” Eddie said even though he couldn’t be sure that that was true because despite everything, Eddie kind of thought that Buck was a bit sensible when it came to money. 

“Yeah, fair point,” Buck said. 

They should have talked all of it out earlier, Eddie realized, if Buck was still dwelling on it and blaming himself. 

“Look,” Eddie said, “things got a little out of hand for both of us. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”

“Why? ‘Cause you’d rather do it?” Buck asked and Eddie had no idea if he was joking because if he wasn’t — no, that was the last thing that Eddie needed. 

“Excuse me?” 

“Come on, Eddie, if you’re not gonna be honest with Frank at least be honest with me,” Buck said. 

Eddie didn’t know what to make of it exactly or why Buck was reading so much into what Eddie had said about the whole therapy thing.

“Who said I wasn’t being honest with Frank?”

Buck sighed. “You said you two weren’t clicking.”

“Maybe I’m just not a therapy kinda guy,” Eddie said because it was true. 

“Right, right, you...uh...you prefer to work it out in the ring,” Buck said and now he was sort of joking.

“There was no ring, Buck,” Eddie said. “There was a fence.”

Buck actually laughed then. “Come on. You don’t think while you were going through your phase, just maybe, you were throwing your punches at the wrong guy?”

Maybe there had been some of that. Sometimes. Most of the time he’d been so lost in his mind that he hadn’t much been in the moment. What bothered him was that Buck thought about it too — that Buck maybe even believed that Eddie might turn to violence against him when Eddie would never. But more than that, it was jarring to think that even Buck could tell that at least some of it had been about him. 

“Seriously?” He asked. “You’re gonna make it about you, again?”

“Look, I’m just saying you were pretty pissed. Now I thought for sure that day in the grocery store you were gonna take a swing at me.”

He might have. Or maybe he would have stopped himself from doing that. There was just no knowing. Eddie had just been so mad back then. At Buck, at himself, at the situation in general. Anything could have set him off. 

“Not that you didn’t deserve it, but I wouldn’t do that,” Eddie said. “You’re on blood thinners.”

Buck rolled his eyes. “Well, I’d still take you.” He moved towards Eddie, then, and Eddie couldn’t help but smile back at him. 

“You think so?”

“I know,” Buck said. “You wanna go for the title?”

There was subtext under Buck’s words and not just that but how he moved towards Eddie and the placement of his hands. Eddie felt warm. He gulped down some beer but it didn’t offer relief for the tension. But the moment was broken a moment later and they were back in the living room with Christopher between them. 

And the way he felt sitting there with his son and with Buck...he wanted to feel that calm and that at peace. It was how he wanted to feel when he was at therapy instead of uncomfortable and like he was trapped. 

“Yeah. This is my kind of therapy,” he said after Buck lost and they were laughing and playing again. They were his therapy. 

It maybe wasn’t healthy to be so attached to Buck and to how Buck made it easy for him to just breathe. Another person shouldn’t be what made him feel okay, but Eddie couldn’t help it. It was why nothing could change between them because if anything went wrong then it would break him. 

It was late by the time that Christopher started to yawn. 

“I should get going. Get this one to bed.” 

Buck nodded and his eyes lingered on Christopher while Eddie got up and gathered their things. He found one of Chris’ shoes but not the other and was searching around when he felt Buck’s hand land on his shoulder. 

“I wanted to say just one more thing,” Buck said. “Because it’s out there and you know but I’ve never said it to you.”

Eddie felt like at any moment his whole world was going to change and it was going to rock everything that was settling into normalcy and that all the work he’d done to get better would be set back. 

“What — what is it?”

“I’m...well, I don’t like labels. Never have. And I haven’t said it to many people but you’re important to me, Eddie, so I should say it to you.”

His heart was beating so hard in his chest. Buck was looking at him with such a serious expression and he was wringing his hands. 

“I’m bi.”

That...it felt like relief to hear it even though he already knew it and he understood why Buck was telling him. They hadn’t talked about it and Buck had never explained. It felt like the perfect moment to bring up his own questioning sexuality but Eddie couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say the words, they were stuck in his throat and he couldn’t get them out. 

“You never said,” Eddie said instead. 

“No. It’s one of those things. I’m not ashamed of it or anything but it’s just easier to let people assume. It’s one thing to be gay and another to be straight but being bisexual — or pan or whatever — there’s such a stigma.”

Eddie didn’t know much about it. He really knew very little about it at all but the way that Buck explained it made sense. He understood why maybe Buck didn’t lead meeting people by telling them that he was into men and women. And truthfully it had never come up...not until recently and not until Eddie started to realize that maybe he wasn’t as straight as he’d always thought.

“Eddie?” Buck asked and he looked nervous. Beautiful in the way that he was worrying his bottom lip and not quite meeting Eddie’s eyes. It wasn’t fair how beautiful this man was and how much Eddie loved him and couldn’t say it. 

“I’m glad you told me, Buck,” Eddie said and he moved forward, pulling Buck into a hug.

Buck laughed against him and hugged him back tightly before letting go. “And it doesn’t change anything between us,” Buck said. “I’m still your best friend.”

It was another opening, another moment where Eddie could just tell him. But he couldn’t. Telling Buck would change everything. 

“Good. Good. As long as you don’t sue anyone.”

“Well, don’t go starting any fights,” Buck shot back. 

“I won’t,” Eddie said. “All of that. It’s over.”

“I know.”

He took Christopher home and he only stirred once when Eddie was getting him out of the car. Eddie was practiced at changing Christopher into PJs when he was asleep so he did quick work of it and put him in bed. 

The thing about figuring out that he liked men was that Eddie had nothing to go on. He had no idea how he would react to kissing another man or going even further. Eddie did know he wanted to kiss Buck and to touch him and hold him and because it was Buck everything else too. But mostly, Eddie didn’t really think about sex and Buck...he thought about loving him and about wanting to wake up next to him every morning. About having Buck at his side for anything and everything.

The next time that he saw Frank, Eddie decided to bring up Buck. Other than catching up with Michael again, Eddie had no one else that he could talk to about his feelings and his questioning sexuality. Not with Hen dealing with her own troubles. 

“You’ve told me that the lawsuit aggravated your anger,” Frank said when Eddie brought up Buck. 

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “I just...I haven’t been fully honest.” 

Eddie took a breath and Frank just watched him pensively. 

“I think I’m in love with him. No, I don’t just think. I know.”

“Ah,” Frank said. “So, then it was deeper than just things in your life changing when your friend and co-worker was unavailable to you.”

Eddie gave a nod. “I didn’t know I liked men. Not before realizing my feelings for Buck. I don’t even know when they started. Before or after Shannon. And now I don’t even know if I should tell him. Or what it might do to our friendship. And it’s not like he doesn’t like men because apparently he does but I just don’t know if he would like me.”

“There is a lot to unpack there, Eddie. The first thing being that sexuality is a spectrum and everyone is different. And you don’t have to feel guilty if you were interested in Buck before Shannon came back into your life. You also don’t have to tell him about your feelings if it’s something the results of which you think you might not recover from. But, Eddie, you call him your best friend. And I’d like to think that he wouldn’t brush you off if you told him. It may do you some more good to speak about your feelings more. To not keep things inside until they burst out of you in unhealthy ways.”

Eddie didn’t know how to respond and Frank didn’t say anything. It was as if he was waiting for Eddie to take in his words. 

“Buck wouldn’t intentionally hurt me,” Eddie said at last. 

“I don’t think he would.”

Eddie just wasn’t quite ready to tell him yet was all. The next time he saw Buck was at the start of a shift. They were both arriving and Buck threw an arm around Eddie’s shoulders when he saw him. He let go quickly, but the weight of his arm lingered for Eddie for just a moment longer. 

“How was therapy?” Buck asked as they reached the locker room. 

“Alright,” Eddie said. He may have spent too much time talking about Buck. 

They got dressed and found Chimney and Bobby up in the kitchen laughing about something or other. Buck rushed over with a grin, excited like the puppy that he was. Eddie kind of hated how much he liked him. He actually didn’t know if he would be able to not tell him or just let on to Buck and anyone else that was paying attention how he felt. 

Their first call was a jumper. And Eddie felt like those were always the worst because they really could go any way. It was a young woman and she was atop a cell phone tower. 

Bobby had Buck harness himself and do the climb up. Chim in the meanwhile got a few medical supplies ready just in case. Bobby had Eddie put on a harness too just in case, but mostly he was in charge of making sure that Buck would be fine if he slipped or fell for some reason. Eddie felt like he was holding his breath the entire time it took Buck to get up to the very top and to the very shaky young woman. 

The person that had called 9-1-1 was another young woman on the ground. They hadn’t been able to get much of an explanation out of her because she was in hysterics and nothing any of them could say was calming her down. 

“Buck’s always been good at this,” Bobby said. 

“Talking to people trying to kill themselves?” Eddie asked. 

Bobby nodded. “He’s a people person. Charming. And he’s good at this job.”

They couldn’t hear what Buck was saying to the woman, but they were still talking. She still looked to be in distress, but Buck seemed to be keeping her from jumping. It wasn’t long before Buck had attached the woman to a harness and also himself. A little bit later they were on the ground and Buck had detached her from the harness. A moment later the woman was hugging Buck. The caller ran towards them too and threw herself into the hug. 

Buck pulled himself out of the hug, stepping back. Eddie rushed towards him to help him take off the gear and they both stopped to watch the two women. 

“I love you,” one of them was saying. “And you’re an idiot.”

“No...but you don’t. How could you—”

“Because you’re you! Ada, I love you.”

“But you said...you’re straight. You’re...I heard you say you—”

“Like I said. You are an idiot and you have got to stop eavesdropping.”

“Do you mean it, Nikki?”

They were kissing suddenly and Eddie had to look away to give them privacy. Buck walked back to the truck with him. 

“Well, then,” Buck said. “I think she’s going to be just fine.” 

“Hen would have enjoyed watching that go down,” Chimney said. 

“We’ll just tell her all about it when she comes back,” Buck said. 

They went on a few more calls, actually managed to have an uninterrupted meal together and the entire time, Eddie spent it trying not to watch Buck too closely. It was just that he knew keeping his feelings to himself was all about protecting himself. And after everything that had happened Eddie felt like he needed to protect himself more than anything else. Even from Buck. Buck, after all, wasn’t going to be interested in him back and it would break Eddie to have that rejection. Not to mention that Eddie just wasn’t worthy of someone like Buck.

They were called out to a crashed truck. But it turned into a lot more than that because the truck was carrying chemical waste — radioactive waste. 

Being sent out of the tunnel made him feel useless. Buck next to him was restless too. They were waiting on hazmat and Bobby was still inside and Eddie wanted nothing more than to rush back in and grab Bobby and bring him out. Minutes felt like hours while they waited. 

It was after it was all over and Bobby was being doused to get the chemicals he’d been exposed to off that they realized that it was possible that Bobby had been in the tunnel for too long. Buck looked devastated at the idea that something could be wrong with Bobby. 

“He’ll be alright, Buck,” he said.

“You don’t know that,” Buck said. 

Chim took charge once it was clear that Bobby would be going straight to the hospital. They got the truck packed up and managed to have a small moment with Bobby before they had to take the firetruck back to the station. 

“He’ll be fine, Buck,” Eddie repeated to Buck once they were back at the station. 

Buck nodded. They got busy cleaning up the truck and restocking. They still had a few more hours on shift and as much as they may have all wanted to rush over to the hospital to be there for Bobby, they figured it was better to be useful at the station. They weren’t going to be dispatched on any more calls for the night, at least, unless something truly horrible happened that needed them. 

It wasn’t until a few hours later that they heard that Bobby was fine. He wasn’t completely cleared, but for now it seemed like he was alright. Eddie knew that Buck would probably stay up at least half the night researching so when they were changing in the locker room he asked if Buck would want to come over. 

Buck looked surprised. “Oh,” he said.

“I just...I don’t want to be alone just yet. It could have been really bad tonight.”

Mostly, he didn’t want Buck to be alone. And when Buck nodded readily, Eddie was sure that Buck didn’t want to be alone. 

Christopher was pleasantly surprised when Buck entered. 

“Buck! I didn’t know I was seeing you today.”

“That makes two of us, kiddo,” Buck said, grinning and then he settled himself on the floor next to Christopher where Chris had been playing with legos. “Now, what are we building?” 

“Nothing really,” Chris said. 

Carla caught Eddie up on their day but hung around a bit longer to catch up with Buck while Eddie made quick work of making sandwiches. 

“Well, I’ll leave you guys to it,” she said on her way to the door. 

Christopher insisted on watching a movie while they ate and even though it was getting close to his bedtime, Eddie relented and let Christopher pick something. Chris then sat himself right between him and Buck. He fell asleep about fifteen minutes into the movie. 

“Knew that was going to happen,” Eddie said. 

He let Chris sleep against him for a while longer, but eventually figured he’d put his kid in bed. Buck followed after him and watched the whole process.

“Wow, not a light sleeper.”

“Not at all,” Eddie said. He tucked Chris in and kissed his forehead. 

They went back out to the living room where Finding Nemo was paused and for the first time in a while, Eddie felt awkward. He didn’t know what to say to Buck because all he could think about was how good it felt to have Buck there and how much he didn’t want Buck to leave. 

“Want to uh, want to finish this?” Buck asked, motioning to the tv. 

“I’ve watched that movie too many times, Buck.”

“But it’s cute,” Buck said. 

Eddie nudged his shoulder and then passed him and sat down on his couch, leaning back into the soft cushions. He really was tired. 

“Well, if not, then I should head home.”

“No,” Eddie said maybe a little too fast. “No, sit. I, um, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Eddie had no idea what he was doing but he wanted for Buck to stick around and he also...he didn’t want to be like those two women they’d met on that call. He wasn’t ready to declare that he was in love with Buck but that didn’t mean that he should keep hiding an important part of himself from Buck.

“Okay,” Buck said and he sat down. He looked at Eddie with expectation. 

“I,” Eddie began and he had to stop and take a breath. This was harder than he’d expected. 

“What — what is going on, Eddie?” 

“The other night you told me something about yourself,” Eddie said. “Important and personal. And I’m glad you shared that with me, Buck. And I haven’t really been honest, too.”

Buck leaned his whole body forward, he was frowning but he said nothing. 

“I’m — I never considered the possibility. I mean, growing up like I did and then the Army and Shannon. And it was just easier, you know, to not think about it. But then, I did start thinking about it. Not too long ago, actually, and it’s like I realized there was this thing in my peripheral that I didn’t pay attention to. And I did so much questioning. I did...I did so many things to try and figure it out. I even talked to Frank about it. And the other night, the way you talked about your feelings and your bisexuality, it’s helped a lot and I—”

“Eddie are you saying what I think you’re saying,” Buck said and he reached over and placed his hand on Eddie’s forearm. 

“I’m rambling a lot, aren’t I?” Eddie asked and he knew he was. It was just that this was a lot. 

“You are,” Buck said. “I don’t mind.”

“Oh,” Eddie said and he took a few breaths. He couldn’t believe he was doing this. “I, um, I don’t know what I’m doing. Obviously. But, I just wanted you to know that me too. I’m — I like men. And women.”

Buck didn’t say anything for a long drawn out moment that maybe felt longer than it probably was. And then he grasped both of Eddie’s hands and he was smiling. Eddie knew it wasn’t the whole truth — that he only knew because of Buck and how attracted Eddie was to him. But it was good to get at least that off his chest and to have Buck know this truth about him. 

“Thanks for telling me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This sort of became the coming out chapter. lol. But I really liked having it happen in the same chapter. And also, we're finally getting somewhere with these two! I'm not happy with next chapter tbh so I'll probably have a lot of editing to do but I'll hopefully have it up by next Thursday. I already wrote 15 and am working on 16. 
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/611142943638700032/next-to-me-13).


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone sticking around to keep reading this fic. Enjoy the chapter. :)

Buck had absolutely no idea how to handle knowing that Eddie wasn’t as straight as he’d always thought. It was just that he had Eddie in a box. In the, yes he’s hot but completely unattainable due to his penchant for liking women and also your best friend box. Of course, Eddie was more than just hot. He was everything. Nice and warm and kind. He was the type of guy that anyone should be lucky to know. And that Buck was lucky to call a friend. 

He had been able to tell that Eddie had been nervous the whole way through telling him from how he’d rambled a bit in such an un-Eddie like way that it had almost been amusing. And then, Buck had been at a loss for words. But he needed to say something. 

“Thanks for telling me.”

Eddie breathed out a sigh of relief and Buck had no idea what to do. 

It had been different when he told Eddie. But it had felt so absolutely important in the moment because it had been this thing hanging over them that the two of them had been skirting about and Buck had wanted to put it on the table and let Eddie know even though Eddie already knew. Buck hadn’t done it with the expectation of anything. He had thought that Eddie was straight. But, he wasn’t. 

“What are the odds,” Buck said, “two bi firefighter best friends?” He was trying to make light of it. 

Eddie sort of smiled. A bit of awkwardness lingered and Eddie just sort of shuffled his feet. “I — Buck, this is really new to me.”

“I know,” Buck said. 

“And you’re really important to me.”

“You’re important to me,” Buck said and he felt like his heart had skipped a beat but Eddie just nodded and Buck thought that it was probably a good time to go even though there was something like hope growing in his chest. 

He was suddenly very glad that he’d ended things with David. 

David hadn’t been entirely thrilled when Buck told him that he really wasn’t in a place to date anyone. 

“After everything that’s happened this year I’m only just getting my footing back at work and it’s what I want to focus on and if I’m going to be honest, I don’t see this going anywhere. Do you?”

David was not like Ali, who had just sort of understood and seen how much things between them weren’t working. David had tried to argue and make Buck feel guilty somehow. It had mostly just made the decision even easier. Buck had pretty much resigned himself to just not doing the whole relationship thing for a while. It didn’t bother him that he didn’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend. He was happy with his sister and everyone at the 118. He was happy having Christopher and Eddie back in his life and that he and Eddie were being so honest with each other. 

The last thing that Buck had expected was for Eddie to come out to him especially after Buck had also recently cleared the air about his own sexuality with Eddie. Eddie’s coming out did at least one other thing for Buck, which was keeping his mind off of Bobby and the possibility that Bobby could be sick. It would be weeks before they knew for sure that Bobby would be fine. It wasn’t until the next morning that Buck even thought about Bobby and then he jumped into research mode. 

At work, Bobby seemed intent on just carrying on but they were all worried about him. Even Hen when she returned for her first shift back, surprising all of them because they hadn’t been expecting her for at least another week. But she was ready and they were all glad to have her. The team as a whole felt better with her back. 

Nothing changed between him and Eddie. They hung out a lot and usually Christopher was there. It didn’t even matter where they were — his apartment or Eddie’s house. Sometimes, Buck considered asking questions and trying to find out more about how Eddie had come to figure out his sexuality or if he was considering dating or trying to explore his interest in men more, but those topics felt too heavy and Buck just couldn’t bring them up, not when Eddie was also leaving the topic alone. 

Buck wasn’t annoyed when he found out that he was working on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving and Black Friday were always crazy days because people did crazy things when they were around their families or when they were in huge mobs of people all vying for one of the ten tvs or computers advertised at some ridiculously low price. And as predicted, it wasn’t a slow day.

One of the first calls was out to a residential home where someone had been trying to deep fry a turkey. It hadn’t been pretty. Later, a woman had stabbed her husband’s hand with a steak knife when she found out that he was cheating on her. And just a few streets down from that family, two siblings had gotten into a fight and they broke a second floor window and then the two of them fell out of it. Somehow both had minor injuries. 

On Black Friday they dealt with a mob at a Wal-Mart that culminated in a woman being crushed against a display of microwaves. Then there was a fist fight at a Best Buy between two teenage boys. Buck was glad that he was only working until early afternoon on Friday because there had just been a lot and when he went home, it was straight into his bed for a long nap. 

The next few weeks just kind of happened. They were all waiting on news about Bobby and every week after he got checked up, it felt like they were all holding their breath for the bad news. But Bobby seemed to be in the clear. It didn’t stop Buck from worrying and from thinking about how he should have grabbed Bobby and pulled him out of the tunnel. And maybe it was all the worrying about Bobby and just about everything else that had happened over the last month, but as the holidays approached, Buck wasn’t exactly excited for them. When Bobby told them that they were all going to be working both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, well, it made Buck feel even more down about the holidays. 

“I’m sorry, guys,” Bobby said. “That’s just how it goes sometimes.”

Since no one wanted to put any pressure or unnecessary stress on Bobby they sort of kept their disappointment to themselves. 

“We can all just celebrate another day,” Hen said. “It’ll be hard on Denny, but he’ll understand.”

Eddie was the one that looked a little disappointed, at least to Buck’s eyes, but no one else seemed to really notice it. Buck hung back to walk with him and he placed a hand on his arm. 

“Christopher will be okay with this right?” 

“He’s going to have to be. He’ll just be with Abuela and Pepa and the rest of the family that lives in LA. He’ll be fine. I think it will be a lesson in not always getting what you want.”

Buck had to stop and look at Eddie. “On Christmas?” 

Eddie sighed. “Well, Buck, what can I do? Nothing. And he’ll still celebrate with Abuela. He’ll be okay.”

Buck hoped so, but he also knew that for kids Christmas was a very important time and that Christopher had gone through so much in the last year and that he absolutely deserved a good Christmas. 

That afternoon they had a call out to the mall where a woman had pepper sprayed a bunch of people including the mall Santa. 

“So, I guess you’re not going to be bringing Christopher to see Santa?” Buck asked with a wince when they were getting back on the truck. 

Eddie rolled his eyes. “With you around, no one should be taking their kids to see Santa.”

He really had put his foot in it with the kids and the mall Santa and he was probably never going to live it down. Eddie knocked their shoulders together and they shared a grin. 

The thing about things getting back to normal with him and Eddie was that Buck could continue admiring him and continue to crush on him because Eddie was still absolutely perfect and knowing that he wasn’t as straight as Buck had always thought, it just made that both easier and harder all at once. 

When they were getting off shift, Buck hung back and wound up walking out with Bobby.

“Any news?” Buck asked.

“Nothing yet. I have an appointment to get my blood tested and hopefully it will all come back clear.”

Buck nodded “Keep me updated, Bobby.”

Bobby smiled and shook his head at him in a bemused sort of way. Buck was trying not to worry too much but after weeks and weeks of having Bobby keep going back in to get himself looked over and no definitive answer on if Bobby would be okay, Buck couldn’t help but worry. He was maybe watching Bobby a lot closer than he usually did. The thing was that even after everything that had happened between him and Bobby, Buck cared about Bobby. Bobby was more than just his boss and Captain, he was family, and Buck needed him to be okay. 

He got a call from Eddie pretty much as soon as he’d gotten home. 

“Hey, man, what’s up?” Buck asked as he opened and closed his door. 

“I told Christopher about Christmas,” Eddie said. “He’s not talking to me. He locked himself in his room. God, Buck, he’s really upset.” 

Buck had pretty much already known that it was going to go that way. Christopher was an easy going kid, but this probably felt like some kind of blow to him, to not be able to spend such an important day with his dad. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck said. “Anything I can do?” 

Eddie let out a sigh. “No. I don’t know. I just — last year I managed to give him exactly what he wanted even if it broke his heart later. And now...it feels different. And me having to work, it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.” 

Buck had no idea how to fix that. Short of figuring out how to get Eddie’s shift covered, there was nothing to be done. And no one would want to switch shifts to work on Christmas Day. 

“I think I’m going to see how Hen is handling this with Denny,” Eddie said after a moment. “Maybe try and find some way of getting him less annoyed with me.”

“How about I come by tomorrow with breakfast?” Buck asked and it was because of Christopher and maybe a little bit because he wanted to see Eddie too. 

Eddie chuckled. “Sure. Maybe that will help.”

Buck got there bright and early and he’d barely knocked on the door before Eddie was letting him in and taking the paper bag Buck was carrying out of his hands. 

“He hasn’t talked to me since I told him,” Eddie said. 

Eddie was in a tanktop that did a good job at pretending that it wasn’t really there at all because a lot of his chest was on display. Buck tried his best to ignore it and not let his eyes linger too much, but it was hard. 

“So, he’s taking it really hard,” Buck said. 

“Yeah. But come on, maybe when he wakes up and finds you here he’ll feel better. I was talking to Hen and we figured maybe if we get him and Denny together we can do some Christmasy things.”

Buck had brought muffins and then an array of supplies to make french toast and Eddie jumped in to help him. Even in the kitchen they worked seamlessly together, moving around each other and not even needing to talk when they needed something. By the time that Buck had the pan on the stove and he was getting ready to put the first few on to cook, he and Eddie heard Christopher waking up. 

They heard him and his crutches clinking on the floor as he went to the bathroom and then came back out. He seemed to hesitate before he walked to the kitchen and then he spotted Buck and his face lit up. 

“Buck!”

“Hey, kid. Long time no see. I came to make you and your dad breakfast.” He ruffled Christopher’s curls and pointed him to the table taking note of how Christopher ignored his dad entirely.

He could tell it was bothering Eddie, but Buck had no idea how he was supposed to fix it. So instead he made idle chatter and tried to include both Eddie and Chris and he went about getting Christopher a plate of french toast while Eddie grabbed him some milk and prepared both of their coffees. 

By the time that the three of them were sitting Christopher looked less tense even if he still hadn’t said much to his dad. He did thank him when Eddie passed him a fork and every time that Buck caught Christopher looking at his dad, his heart broke a little because he just looked so sad and Buck wished more than anything that he could change things. 

That afternoon he stuck around for the playdate. 

“And what are you doing here, Buck?” Hen asked. 

“I am building gingerbread houses,” Buck said and he joined Denny and Chris on the floor at the coffee table where they had started setting up their kits. And then he kind of lost himself to helping the boys get started. 

His heart broke when Christopher turned to him to ask if he could be with him at Christmas. He wished so desperately to be able to say yes and when he looked at Hen and Eddie, he could tell that they were feeling for Christopher too. Buck started to wonder if there was a way to make it so Chris could at least stop by the station at some point on Christmas Day. He might have to bring it up with Bobby. And maybe it could be both Christopher and Denny. Buck figured he’d talk to Bobby and see what he could do about it. 

The next day, Buck didn’t have any time to bring it up to Bobby. Because they were spending Christmas at the station, Bobby had everyone vote on what their Christmas meal would be as soon as they started their next shift. They had all just written out their votes on pieces of paper when a call rang out and then they were arriving at the airport and getting to work. By the end of it, when Bobby’s nose was bleeding and Buck was worried that it was sign that something was truly wrong with Bobby, Buck had all but forgotten about how he wanted to ask about Christopher stopping by the station on Christmas. 

Worrying about Bobby was different than worrying about any of the others especially because it was worry that just kept going and going and going and Buck wanted it to end. He wanted to know if Bobby was in the clear or if he wasn’t. And if he wasn’t, Buck wanted for the doctors to start working on a way to fix him. To make him better. 

Bobby didn’t seem to think much of the nose bleed. He was too calm about all of it when Buck was freaking out. And when Bobby mentioned that they were probably going to end up eating Chinese for Christmas Buck knew that he had to do something about it. And immediately he knew exactly who he would need to get involved. Athena. He didn’t call her right away, but instead started by trying to figure out what he wanted to do. He wanted to resolve the dinner problem and the Christopher problem all at once. 

“You look like you’re thinking a lot, there, Buck,” Hen said when he made it to where she was restocking the ambulance. 

Buck shrugged at her. 

He didn’t get to talk to Maddie until his shift was over. For once he and Eddie didn’t have anything planned so he headed over to see Maddie at her place. 

“I just think it’s unfair that no one gets to spend the day with their family, Mads. That’s all.”

Buck was well aware that Maddie was still having a hard time. Ever since the whole thing with the woman that refused to be saved and went back to her husband and the mandatory therapy, Maddie had been working through a lot of the things she still hadn’t worked through when it came to Doug. She didn’t seem all that excited about Christmas again but then again no one seemed to be excited. For Buck it just didn’t feel like Christmas. 

“Have you mentioned it to anyone else?” Maddie asked.

“I’m going to text Karen and see what she thinks. And we’ll have to get Athena on board. What do you think?”

“I think it’s worth trying.” 

Buck nodded. “I’ll have to call Eddie’s abuela too.”

Maddie fixed him with a look. “Uh, do you have a way to contact her?” 

“I do,” Buck said. 

“So, the crush is still going strong, is it?” 

Buck didn’t even try to correct her. 

Getting Maddie involved was the right idea and by the time that Buck left her, he knew that she had already planned out plenty. They needed to get Athena on board and everyone else too. It was just going to be hard keeping it from everyone. 

When a few days later Maddie gave him the go ahead to call everyone else up and let them know their plan, Buck was ecstatic. The first person he called was Eddie’s abuela. 

“Hello?” she said.

“Hola, Isabel. Es Buck. Como estas?”

[“Hi, Isabel. It’s Buck. How are you?”]

“Bien. Buck, is everything okay? Did something happen with Eddie?”

[“Good…”]

“Oh. No. No. He’s fine. No, I was calling because I was planning a Christmas surprise for everyone here at the station. I know Christopher was upset about not getting to spend the day with his dad and I figured everyone has family they would rather be with so why not have everyone come here?”

Isabel seemed to love the idea and she was all for it, offering to bring whatever they might need for the party. 

“Mostly I just need Christopher to be there,” Buck said. “He was so sad last time I saw him and after everything that’s happened he deserves a good Christmas.” 

“You’re so sweet, Buck. I can see why mis chicos like you so much.” 

[“...I can see why my boys…”]

“I like them a lot too,” Buck said and he couldn’t help but grin. “Anyway, I’ll see you then. Thank you.”

Getting Karen on board wasn’t hard either and slowly everything just fell into place. It helped that the station was well decorated for the holiday already. They had spent a lot of their downtime getting a tree up and strung up with lights. It was Chimney that had gone out and bought so many poinsettias that they didn’t even know where to put them anymore. But all of it would work perfectly with the party. 

It was late on Christmas Eve, after Buck had finalized some of the last minute things for the surprise the next day that Buck got a text from Bobby. 

All it said was: I’m all clear.

Relief hit him hard. It was like his entire body loosened up and lost any of the worry that he’d been carrying around with him. He was tempted to call Bobby to talk about it, but he figured it was late and that he’d see him in the morning anyway. It felt like getting the best Christmas gift. Bobby was going to be okay. Buck closed out all the tabs on his research on his phone. 

The next day, their work day began with a call out to a girl that had turned herself blue. When he and Eddie were looking around her apartment to find what might have contributed to the hue of her skin, they got to talking. 

“How was Christopher this morning?” Buck asked.

“Not entirely pleased with me,” Eddie said. “He’ll behave for abuela but he wasn’t too happy when I left.”

“That kid always behaves,” Buck said. 

“I’m kinda lucky that way,” Eddie said with a smile. 

When they were headed back to the station, Buck kept busy texting Maddie and Athena and it seemed like they would be arriving back to the party already waiting for them. Buck expected it to be broken up by at least one call, but even if it did, the whole thing would be worth it because even a small amount of time spent together with everyone was better than none. 

Seeing Eddie’s face when he spotted Christopher and seeing the way that Denny ran to Hen, it made everything worth it. 

“Hiciste bien, chico,” abuela said when Buck approached her. 

[“You did well, kid”]

“Gracias,” Buck said, ducking his head. “They look happy.” 

[“Thank you”]

“They are happy,” she said. “You did this.” 

Buck was hoping that he wasn’t blushing. 

Somehow, they got lucky and didn’t have any calls all throughout lunch and even after. It was a success and during a moment when Christopher had gone to play with Harry and Denny, Eddie found him.

“Thank you, Buck. He’s so happy.”

“I can tell,” Buck said.

“And you didn’t have to get him anything. This was enough, Buck.”

It was hard to look away from Eddie when he was looking at him with so much fondness and when he was so happy. Buck would do anything to keep him looking at him that way. He would do anything to keep Eddie happy. Christopher too, for that matter. 

Eddie got pulled away by Christopher and Buck walked back to sit. He found Hen and Athena and they were both staring at him with what could only be called, knowing looks. 

“What?” Buck asked.

“You have it bad, Buckaroo,” Hen said. 

“Real bad,” Athena said. 

Buck could only groan. He couldn’t deny it, either, because they were both right. Athena chuckled and Hen just sort of nudged his shoulder. 

“Kind of hopeless, though, isn’t it? I don’t ever want to ruin our friendship, so…”

“I’ve never known you to hide anything. Feelings or otherwise,” Athena said with a quirked eyebrow. “I mean, I had to find out this way that you were interested in men and women, but that’s different than anything else.”

Buck almost told them about Eddie. It was right there on the tip of his tongue, but he caught himself. That wasn’t something he could do. Outing Eddie was not an option. 

“I wasn’t really hiding it,” Buck said. “Just didn’t seem relevant.”

“Until Eddie got here,” Hen said and she laughed loud and with her head thrown back. Enough that when Karen sat down she looked between the three of them. 

“And what are you up to?” 

“Buck here has a crush,” Athena said. 

Karen looked at Buck for a long moment. “And my guess would be on Eddie.” 

Buck just groaned. Maybe it was possible that he wasn’t the best at hiding it. Or everyone could tell that the whole party thing had been in part about Christopher and Eddie. 

“You should tell him,” Hen said. 

Buck shook his head at once. “Are you kidding? Things just got back to normal.”

“He might surprise you.”

“Or he might not be interested in me,” Buck said. “And then it will just change everything and I don’t want to go through having him give me the cold shoulder again. Better this way. No complications.” 

The week between Christmas and New Years was always a little bit weird. It felt like a long drawn out weekend except that it wasn’t. They were off on New Year’s Eve which meant that Athena took it as an opportunity to throw a party to celebrate Bobby being in the clear. It felt better than how he’d spend his last New Year’s Eve, meeting David at a bar. 

“Now, I just need you to not start a fight or throw up blood, Buck,” Athena said when he arrived holding a bottle of wine and a box of cookies. 

“Funny,” Buck said. 

Eddie arrived not long after Buck did, with Christopher at his side. He looked good, but then again he always did. Buck just had a hard time keeping his eyes from just remaining on him at all times. Most of the time when he was looking away it was to glare at Hen. Athena was less pushy. 

Christopher gave him a hug before he ran off with Harry. Eddie just shook his head. “He’s been looking forward to tonight.”

“Oh, good,” Buck said. 

“And, I kind of wanted to talk to you,” Eddie said. 

Buck tugged at his arm for Eddie to follow him out to the patio. It was nice out, a little chilly but not much. The sky was clear and they could sort of make out some stars. 

“What did you want to talk about?” Buck asked. 

“I guess I just wanted to say that this past year has been a rough one. And I was hoping that this new one will mean that we’re starting on the right foot. That we’re really past everything.”

“We are,” Buck said. “Where is this coming from?” 

Eddie shrugged his shoulders. “I’m still seeing Frank, you know, and he told me it would be good for me to try and move past things. To move on and stop dwelling on things I can’t change and things that have already happened. So, I wanted to just be sure that we’re on the same page now.”

“Ah, so the therapy is helping now, is it?” 

“He’s not a bad therapist.” 

“Maddie speaks highly of him,” Buck said and then he nudged Eddie. “And, yeah we’re good, Eddie.” 

“Good,” Eddie said. 

As Eddie walked back inside, Buck lingered behind for a moment. Maybe everything was okay now and the new year would be better, but Buck was in love with Eddie and that wasn’t something he could escape. He could ignore it and he could keep it to himself — even though Hen and Athena and Maddie and probably everyone else already knew — but he just wasn’t sure if that was sustainable. 

“Coming?” Eddie called back, looking at him a bit confused. 

“Ah...yeah. Just got distracted looking at the sky.”

“Pretty clear out tonight,” Eddie said with a grin and then when Buck had reached him, he nudged Buck to go in first. 

Maddie called him over when she spotted him. 

“I’m gonna check on Christopher, but I’ll be right there,” Eddie said and gave his shoulder a squeeze as he passed him. 

Buck walked over to Maddie and sat down next to her. 

“So?” Maddie asked.

“So, nothing,” Buck said. “We’re friends and that’s that. I’m not ruining this, Maddie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we finally have a chapter count and this time I'm sticking with it. I'm actually halfway through writing ch. 17 at the moment and may very well finish it before I go to sleep tonight. So yay for that because then I will have just editing to do. My aim is to have this fic posted in its entirety before March 16 and the return of 9-1-1 so you can expect ch. 15 sometime before the week is out. 
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/611625418248847360/next-to-me-14).


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drawing closer and closer to the end. I am currently editing the last two chapters, but I did officially finish writing them. I'm so excited to finally finish this fic. Enjoy.

The next few months were almost easy. There was always some kind of emergency to take care of, always someone they needed to save, and then moments when they were all just sitting around the firehouse in some form or way content because they were doing the jobs they loved and as close as some calls came to ending badly, they managed to help where they could and save as many people as they could. 

Eddie had continued therapy for a little while after the mandatory period was over, mostly because it helped with working things out, but eventually he felt like it was time to just stop. And when Frank told him that it was his choice and didn’t try to stop him, Eddie felt like it was the right call. 

He and Christopher were back to a good place, one in which sometimes they talked about Shannon and Eddie shared stories with Christopher about his mother — stories from before everything went wrong — and it felt good to talk about her like that and to try to not think about all the fights and arguments and how much he’d hated her for so many parts of it. It was good for Christopher to hear Eddie talk about his mom, though. Good for him to remember her and know her because Chris had finally admitted one day that he thought that one day he would forget her. 

The only thing that still kept nagging at Eddie was Buck. Not their friendship, their friendship was better than it had ever been. After Christmas and New Year’s everything between them was going great. It was just that, he was still in love with Buck. Nothing had changed in that respect and Eddie didn’t exactly expect it to. Buck never showed any indication that he was attracted to Eddie even if he did like men, and Eddie was happy with the way that things were between them in a lot of ways. Maybe they did spend a lot of time together and maybe Christopher was so attached that Eddie was fearing the day that Buck did find someone he wanted to be with — someone that would take their place and their time in Buck’s life. 

Eddie tried not to think about it too much. 

The one biggest blow that hit them all was when it turned out that Michael had cancer. They heard about it not long into January. Athena was distraught, their kids were in a worse state, and Bobby was trying to hold them all together. They could see the strain on Bobby from time to time but they were all trying to help. Buck threw himself into it, offering to do anything that Athena needed and research. There was so much research. Eddie did what he could alongside him. 

At one point maybe he wouldn’t have felt comfortable getting involved, but after the times that he’d sat down and spoken to Michael about his sexuality, and the way that Michael had helped, it felt so necessary to be there for him. 

They all took turns going with him to chemo, keeping him company and trying to offer distractions. On one of the days that Eddie wound up with Michael alone, Michael looked at him pointedly. 

“So, are we going to talk about it?”

“What?”

“Your feelings for Buck,” Michael said. 

Eddie laughed. “My feelings for Buck,” Eddie said. “He’s my best friend. I love him.” 

“You’re in love with him. I’m sick, Eddie. I don’t have time to beat around the bush with this.” 

“And you will be better in no time and then you’ll have all the time,” Eddie countered. “And Athena told me about the guy you were dating — your ex. He’s been calling and you haven’t been answering.” 

“This isn’t about me. I just...being sick and having this possibility that I will die. It gives you perspective, and Eddie, you can’t hold back and keep yourself from trying.”

Except that Eddie couldn’t be sure what would happen and maybe he wasn’t brave enough to find out. He’d already experienced a time when he and Buck weren’t talking and it had made him crazy. Eddie couldn’t do that again. Not to himself and not to Christopher. 

“I’ll think about it,” he said to Michael. 

Michael sort of chuckled. “Sure you will.” 

Michael brought it up again and again every time that they were alone. It was as if he thought that nagging Eddie would get him to go to Buck and confess his undying love. 

On another occasion, Michael even seemed to get frustrated with him. 

“Eddie, have you seen the way that that boy looks at you? That’s love.”

“That’s my best friend,” Eddie countered. “And I have a kid that loves him and wants him around and I don’t want to be a reason for why he loses that. Christopher can’t lose another person that he loves and — and neither can I. I’ll take him how I can. For as long as I can.”

Michael didn’t respond to that, he just sort of sighed and Eddie couldn’t tell if it was exhaustion from the treatment or just that he was tired of Eddie entirely. 

He and Buck never talked about it. Their bisexuality. It was like this untouchable subject that just sat between them and couldn’t ever be mentioned because if they mentioned it then maybe other things would need to be talked about. And Eddie didn’t come out to anyone else. Michael knew, and Eddie suspected that Hen probably had some idea, but she never mentioned it to him. It was so brand new to Eddie that he didn’t quite want to talk to anyone about it. He especially didn’t want to think about how abuela or the rest of his family might react if he came out to them. Sometimes, he still doubted it, but then he saw Buck and he just knew it down in his bones. 

The one thing that made it easier was that Buck wasn’t seeing anyone even when he had options. Plenty of them. Buck was just so charming and nice and people liked him. They wanted to know him. It wasn’t even just out on calls where they encountered all kinds of people. It was when they went out for drinks with Chim and Maddie. It was when they went out to the movies with Christopher, and it happened when the two of them had run out to get ice and more drinks for a party at Hen’s house. 

It absolutely drove Eddie crazy to see people fawning over Buck, but the jealousy died down moments later when Buck had politely turned the person down or when Buck hadn’t even noticed the flirting. 

Hen thought the whole thing was hilarious. 

“Oh, Eddie, you weren’t here when he first started working here,” she said.

Eddie had heard plenty of stories about it though. Buck called himself Buck 1.0, after all. 

“He’s so different now,” Hen added. 

“Remember when he went and slept with that chick with the snakes?” Chim asked. “I don’t know how he managed that after we killed her pet snake.”

“It was choking her, Chim, I don’t think she was too upset about us saving her life.” 

“That was what, the second time he stole the ladder truck?” Chim asked. “Almost got fired over it.”

“Did get fired over it,” Buck said with a roll of his eyes. “It was such a dumb thing to do.”

Hen hummed in response and Chimney just nodded. 

“You got lucky, Buckaroo. If it wasn’t for you helping out Athena, who know what might have happened to you.” 

“All thanks to you,” Buck said with a grin at Hen. 

“This place wouldn’t be the same without you, Buck,” Hen said with a grin. 

“No it wouldn’t,” Eddie said. 

That night after their shift was over, Eddie went over to Buck’s. Christopher was at a sleepover with friends and that never failed to make Eddie feel nervous. It was just that despite how capable Christopher was, he was still a special needs child. He still required extra attention and Eddie hated to put that burden on other parents. He also feared how another parent that didn’t know better might treat Christopher. Eddie was careful with who he allowed to care for Christopher, but even then, worrying was just a big part of being a dad. 

“You are so tense, man. Chris is going to be just fine. And if he isn’t he’ll call. Relax, will you?”

Buck handed him a beer and nudged him on the side and Eddie just sighed and took a gulp. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Buck who was looking through his phone to pick something for them to watch. They’d had a pretty tiring shift before heading over to Buck’s, enough that Eddie had considered just going home to sleep, but being alone didn’t feel quite right. Being with Buck nearly always felt so absolutely right. 

“I’ve never asked before, but what were you doing before you were a firefighter?” Eddie asked. He asked partly because he wanted a distraction and curiosity especially after all that talk about Buck 1.0. 

“A lot of things,” Buck said. “Lots of odd jobs. Bartending for a bit but that got old pretty quickly especially here in LA. I also worked at a child care place. I’ve told you, I love kids.”

Eddie smiled. “You do love kids,” he said. “Told me that the moment I told you I had one.”

“An amazing kid,” Buck said. “My favorite kid, I think.”

Eddie just loved him so much. It was becoming this innate part of him that Eddie didn’t want to ever give up. 

“Mostly, Eddie, I had no idea what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be before I had this job. Kind of why I couldn’t stand the idea that I wouldn’t be able to do it anymore.” 

And Eddie had known that the job meant a lot to Buck. He knew that Buck felt like being a firefighter was the most important thing in his life, but he might have misunderstood why Buck felt that way because of course Eddie loved his job but to him it was just a job one that if necessary he could leave behind and move on from. Maybe he wouldn’t want to, but it wouldn’t destroy him. Whereas for Buck, it seemed like it was one of the things that had made him the person he was. 

“I didn’t get that before,” Eddie admitted. “When you wanted back to work so badly.”

“Yeah, well,” Buck said with a shrug. “Maybe I pushed myself too hard.”

“But none of us understood,” Eddie said. “Even when I came in here and pulled you out of bed and made you take Christopher, I wasn’t really thinking about what was good for you past not wanting you to wallow in self-pity.” 

“I was a bit depressed and angry,” Buck said. “It is what it is now.” 

“Yeah,” Eddie said except that now he couldn’t help but wonder if Buck would have gone through the lawsuit if he and the others had been more supportive or more understanding. But they were past that. They had to be past that. 

Buck put on some sort of reality tv-show from Netflix. It was the kind of dumb mindless tv that required absolutely no thought and Eddie didn’t even care that he never really watched stuff like that but it was surprisingly easy to get sucked into whatever was going on on screen. 

“I mean, this whole concept is stupid,” Buck said eventually, “but I can’t say that this chick isn’t hot just walking around in basically a bra and shorts all the time.” 

“I’m mostly just interested in how all the catfishing is going to go,” Eddie said. 

Buck nudged him. “Dude, Sami is hot. You can’t deny that.” 

“I guess,” Eddie said and maybe he didn’t like watching Buck check out someone else out. Even someone that was just on their screen and not actually physically present.

“Okay, Eddie,” Buck said a little while later and he looked like he was bracing himself. “What are you into? I mean...obviously I know you’re bi and that’s great and I saw Shannon but what kind of girls...guys, what are you into?”

Eddie felt the back of his neck get warm. There was one particular guy that he was into. One guy that he wanted so desperately that it was hard to even look at anyone else. He hadn’t bothered looking at anyone else. 

“I don’t know,” Eddie said. “You realize I’m really rusty when it comes to all of this. When I met Shannon I was a different person. I was just enlisting in the Army and I hadn’t seen all the things I saw in Afghanistan. I hadn’t even realized that I could be interested in a man.”

“What made you reconsider that?” Buck asked.

On the screen some sort of drama was going down but neither of them paid it any mind. Eddie wanted to scream at Buck that it was him — that he was the one that had made Eddie realize that everything he wanted in a person was him and that gender didn’t matter when it came to that kind of attraction and that kind of love. 

“Realizing that gender doesn’t matter much at all,” Eddie said. “Not when it’s the only thing that would change something.”

Buck chuckled. “So someone caught your eye. What did they look like? Or was it more personality?”

Everything. It was everything about Buck. It was the way that he smiled and the birthmark on his face and the thickness of his muscles and how tall and strong and just plain beautiful he was. He was also kind and sweet and smart in ways that people didn’t notice. He was loyal and maybe a bit stubborn and definitely a lot reckless. 

“A little bit of both,” Eddie said. 

“And you’re going to give me nothing more than that, eh?” 

Eddie just sort of shrugged. He was hoping that Buck would let it go, but he also knew that Buck could probably spend days pestering him about it — bringing it up when Eddie least expected it. At the same time, though, he had no idea how to answer. What did Eddie like? When he was much younger it wasn’t very complicated. Any girl could have caught his attention at least when it came to physical attraction and when he saw Shannon that’s what it had been at first. Then, he spoke to her and she was so much more than her looks. 

“Okay, Buck, so tell me about your interests then? I remember Taylor. And there was Ali. And David. Not sure if I see similarities between them.” 

Buck coughed and groaned all at once. “People are hot, okay. Mostly.” 

Eddie tutted at him. “Are they?” 

“Yes, Eddie, they are.”

“Am I hot to you, Buck?” Eddie asked. He was mostly teasing, but his heart rate picked up because he shouldn’t have asked that question. It was threading a dangerous line. 

Buck tilted his head to the side. His eyes never left Eddie and his tongue licked his lips and it was so stupidly distracting. “I think if you go to the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror that will give you enough of an answer, don’t you.”

And then, Buck turned back to the tv. 

It was a few days later that Buck brought it up again. They were out on a call. It was a birthday party and one of the kids had an unknown nut allergy. 

When they arrived the twelve year old was having trouble breathing and their face, neck, and arms were covered in hives. Hen and Chim rushed right in so Buck and Eddie hung back with Bobby. Bobby was trying to reassure one of the parents. 

“We had no idea,” the woman was saying. “His mom never told us.”

“They probably didn’t know,” Bobby said. 

Since they weren’t doing anything but watching and waiting for the twelve year old to be ready to be moved and put into the ambulance, Eddie wasn’t too surprised when Buck nudged him. He just didn’t know why until Buck nodded at a man standing by a few of the kids trying to explain what was happening. 

“What?” Eddie asked.

“Thoughts?” Buck whispered back. 

“On what?” 

Buck rolled his eyes. “Do you think he’s hot?”

The guy was maybe in his late thirties and he had curly sandy hair. His eyes were very blue. He was sort of on the scrawny side though, thin and bony and Eddie felt no attraction. He didn’t know if it was because Buck held so much of his attention or just because he was a skinny stick of a man and Eddie liked muscle and strength and that which was so different from women. 

“I guess not,” Buck said with a smirk right before Hen called him over to bring the board so they could put it under the little boy. He was looking a little better already after getting a dose of epinephrine. 

On another call later that day, he and Buck had just finished cleaning up after a call to a car accident. 

“Okay, so not skinny guys, what about that hunk of a man? Because, hot. Hot. Hot.” 

Eddie looked in the direction that Buck was nodding. This guy was broad shouldered and muscular and not only did he know it, he wanted everyone else to know it going by the extremely tight tank top that he wore. Then there were the shorts — they were small and tight and practically non-existent leaving his thick muscular legs on display as he walked and Eddie hoped that he was heading to the gym around the corner. 

“Thoughts?” Buck asked with a smirk. 

“I mean, sometimes it’s overkill. And, Buck, is this like a Goldie Locks kinda situation?” 

It was starting to feel that way. They had gone from one extreme to the other and Eddie was just waiting for Buck to turn up with a guy that landed somewhere in the middle. 

“And really? Did you really think that guy was hot? Mr. Muscle?”

Buck laughed. “It was overkill. And he’s probably straight anyway.” 

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Helpful, Buck.”

Buck kept teasing him about it for the rest of their shift but only when they were away from the others and always if they had time on the scene of a call, otherwise he kept it professional. Then they were called to an apartment building with a carbon monoxide leak. 

The alarm in the apartment where the leak came from hadn’t gone off. Something about old batteries. It was a different apartment’s alarm going off that alerted everyone and then 9-1-1 was called so they were trying to check everyone out but especially the family from the apartment where the leak had originated. They were almost done with most people when Buck appeared at Eddie’s side. 

“Okay, so guy in the corner over there,” Buck said. “Just take a glance at him.”

“Oh my god, Buck. Can you stop?” 

The guy was hispanic with a buzzed haircut that made it easier to look at his face and his features. He was angular with sharp cheekbones and a thin straight nose. He was handsome and he was smiling at a toddler who was sitting near him and clearly getting bored with the whole thing. He was making faces at her and when he turned a little, Eddie had to pretend that he hadn’t been staring. He heard Buck chuckling not too far from him. 

“Cute and hot all at once, am I right?” Buck asked later when they were getting into the truck. “Has a boyfriend though. I checked them both over.” 

“Buck, I cannot with you,” Eddie muttered. 

It kept happening over the next week and most of the time, Eddie had to admit that Buck wasn’t wrong. Buck also never brought up women even though they saw plenty of them. Buck also never fully confirmed if he was into the same guys or not. More often than not, Eddie could admit that Buck did point out attractive guys but sometimes he could tell that it was more to see Eddie squirm. And maybe he didn’t realize it, but it was also making Eddie really curious about what Buck looked for in a partner. Any partner. 

“Are you ever going to stop this?” Eddie asked when they were back at the station.

“I just figure we can talk guys, you know,” Buck said but he said it a bit strangely and then he volunteered to go help Bobby with lunch. 

Eddie hung back to help Hen with doing a few checks on their supplies. “So,” Hen said, “what is going on with you and Buck.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you’re both acting a little odd and whispering to each other all the time and something is going on. Eddie, if you hadn’t noticed, I’m kind of observant.”

Eddie sighed and when he looked at Hen, he didn’t feel like lying because lying was exhausting and it was Hen. Not only would she see through him but he trusted her and wanted to tell her. It helped that he knew Hen would get it. It didn’t come without a little fear, but maybe that’s what he needed. 

“So, I discovered something about myself a little while ago,” Eddie said.

“You’re changing the subject,” Hen said, eyebrow raised. 

“Not really,” Eddie said. He couldn’t quite meet her eyes. “I, uh, I figured out that I’m not as straight as I thought I was.”

“Oh,” Hen said and then in the same breath, “Buck.”

Eddie nodded. It wasn’t worth it to hide that from Hen.

“Does he know that you’re…”

“Bisexual. Yeah, he does. That’s part of the thing, he’s been trying to figure out what type of guys I like by pointing all kinds of people out to me,” Eddie said. He didn’t want to say it outloud — the whole being into Buck thing. “But it’s kinda hard—”

Hen touched his arm and she moved a bit closer. “Because he’s the one you’re interested in.”

“Am I obvious?”

“I don’t think anyone else has noticed,” Hen said. “And without knowing that you’re bi they wouldn’t even think on it. And you should tell him.”

Eddie shook his head. “I — doing that will change everything. I can’t. I really really can’t. I’m a single father and Buck means so much to me and Christopher and I can’t lose him. Simple as that.” 

Hen went and grabbed a box of supplies for the ambulance and motioned for him to walk with her. “Eddie, you have to have more faith in him. He loves Chris and he’s your best friend and even if it gets awkward for a while, he won’t stop being your friend or wanting to be around Christopher.” 

He and Hen replaced what needed to be replaced and had the ambulance car restocked when Chim was calling them upstairs for lunch. They hadn’t even managed to sit down and Buck and Bobby had only just been walking over to the table with the food when the call came.

It was a house fire and by the time that they arrived, the 115 was already on scene and the fire was still raging and as they arrived it spread over to the neighboring house. Before they had even gotten out of the truck Bobby yelled for him and Buck to make sure the house was evacuated. They got their oxygen tanks and rushed over. 

A mother and a little boy were just stepping out the door when they got there.

“Is there anyone else inside?” Buck asked. 

The boy was crying and pointing behind him. 

“Todavia esta adentro,” he cried out. 

[“Someone’s still inside”]

“Quien?” Buck asked before Eddie had even opened his mouth. “Cuantas personas?”

[“who?”...“how many people?”]

Eddie was trained to not be shocked at a scene. He was trained to ignore the surprising but this was something else. Buck spoke Spanish and Eddie hadn’t known.

He missed whatever the kid had said but Buck turned back to him.

“He said his grandma is upstairs,” Buck said. “Come on.” 

“You speak Spanish,” Eddie said as he followed Buck inside. There was already smoke filling up the house but they found the stairs easily and made it up. Buck was calling out for the person by name but there was no response. 

“I spent some time in South America,” Buck said back. “Bartending.” 

“How do I not know these things about you,” Eddie said as Buck opened a door and smoke came at them from inside. 

“Consuelo? Consuelo, are you in there?” Buck called out.

Someone coughed and Buck rushed in and Eddie heard him crash into something. “Eddie, she’s here.” 

“Be careful. Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” Buck called back. 

She must have been in her nineties and she looked thin and frail and before Eddie could go in and help, Buck was already coming back towards him and carrying her. 

“Here, I’ll take her,” Eddie offered.

Buck shook his head. “I’m good. I got her.” 

“Nadie mas esta aqui, señora?” Eddie asked as they walked down. She shook her head and coughed a little. 

[“Nobody else is here, ma’am?”]

They made it outside in no time and Buck took her straight to the ambulance and started checking her over. Eddie in the meanwhile went back to check in with Bobby. 

“House is empty,” he said. 

“Good. Good.”

He ended up going over to help with one of the hoses and lost track of Buck as they worked to get the fire out and under control. It was a while before he saw him again and it was only when everything was all over. Buck looked exhausted. 

“You good?” Eddie called out to him. 

“Yeah...think I bruised myself up a bit earlier but I’m fine.”

Eddie was in the middle of putting away the oxygen tanks, but he turned to look at Buck. “What? Bruised yourself how?” 

Buck shrugged it off. “Just slipped when I was up on the ladder earlier. But I’m fine, Eddie.” 

“You’re on blood thinners, Buck,” Eddie said. 

“I’m fine,” Buck said. 

“One of us is going to check you out when we’re back at the station,” Eddie said and he meant it. 

The whole blood thinner thing had been in the back of their minds for a while now mostly since it wasn’t something that Buck ever brought up and because Buck was good at making sure that he was okay and not getting cut up in any way. He went to get check ups all the time to be sure that he was fine, too. It was of course possible that Buck did hide bruising and cuts when they did happen. 

“If that will make you happy, Eddie,” Buck said. 

When they got back, Eddie had already mentioned it to Hen and he knew Bobby had heard as well so Buck had no option but to let Hen take a look at his bruises. That’s how Eddie came upon Buck shirtless on a couch and Hen examining his left side which looked bad. It was in no way minor bruising like Buck had tried to make out.

He whistled as he approached. “Uh, Buck, that doesn’t look good.”

“No it doesn’t,” Hen said and when her fingers touched Buck’s side and Buck winced. “You’re going to have to ice this, Buckaroo. Your arm too.”

“It looks worse than it is,” Buck said. 

Eddie fixed him with a skeptical look and Hen rolled her eyes. 

“I’ll get some ice,” Eddie said. 

He ran into Bobby on his way back up. “He’s okay, Cap.”

“I know,” Bobby said. “I just — I guess this was what I wanted to avoid when I didn’t approve him coming back.”

“I get that,” Eddie said. “I think deep down he gets it too.”

Bobby nodded and Eddie made his way back to Buck and Hen. Hen had already managed to prop Buck up in a way that meant he wasn’t leaning on any of his bruises and his shirt was back on which was just a bit of a shame. Eddie helped to place the ice packs and Buck hissed at the cold. 

“I would send you home, but you look comfortable,” Bobby said when he reappeared. 

“It’s just a couple more hours anyway,” Buck said.

“Just rest up, Buck. And let Eddie drive you home when you do leave.” 

Eddie didn’t protest. He probably would have offered anyway and despite how stubborn Buck tended to be, he didn’t even put up a fight. Instead, he just lay back against the cushions and Eddie wished he could have stayed with him but after the call they’d just been a part of there was still plenty to do. The oxygen tanks needed to be replaced with new full ones and the hoses all needed to be cleaned and put back into the trucks for the next time they would come into use. When he got down Chimney had already started work on the hoses and Eddie rushed over to help. 

“How’s Buck?” 

“He’s bruised up. He’ll be fine.”

Chim nodded. “Blood thinners.”

When their shift finally came to an end without any more calls and the other shift started arriving to take their place, Eddie went back up to check on Buck who was staring at his phone

“Time to go?”

“Yeah. Come on, I’ll drive you home. Captain’s orders and all.” 

Buck got up slowly and Eddie took note of how stiffly he was moving. “Hey, are you okay? Is it your leg?” 

“Just the bruising. I’m a bit sore, too. I’ll be fine with some rest and more ice. Now come on, let’s go.” 

Eddie kept a close eye as they walked out to Eddie’s truck. There was traffic because it was LA and there always seemed to be traffic, but they made it to Buck’s and Eddie walked him up and into his apartment. 

“You don’t have to stay. Christopher’s with Carla, isn’t he? You’ll want to get home to him,” Buck said. He had made a beeline to the fridge. 

The thing about caring for someone was that it wasn’t easy to leave them alone and just go off and do something else. Eddie had always had a hard time with that when it came to Christopher and his health. It was why he worried so much when Christopher was off on sleepovers or when he was being looked after by someone that Eddie didn’t know well. He’d gotten a lot better about it and maybe it helped that he had so many people that he trusted and that cared about Christopher. 

“Carla can stay with him a little while longer,” Eddie said. He didn’t tell Buck that he was considering having Carla bring Christopher over to Buck’s. First he needed to get Buck settled and assess if he needed to stick around. Really, he wanted to stick around regardless. 

Buck grabbed a fresh ice pack from his freezer. “I think I still have some arnica lotion somewhere in the bathroom.”

“I’ll get that for you,” Eddie said. 

He was busy looking through the cabinet in the bathroom when he heard a knock on the door. It made him pause for a moment but when he didn’t hear Buck head to the door he called out to him. 

“Buck, you getting the door?” 

“Trying to,” Buck said. “I sat down and—” 

“Don’t get up. I’ll get it.” 

Eddie walked out of the bathroom and headed for the door, opening it up. A woman stood just outside. She was tall with long red hair and thick framed glasses and her smile fell when she saw him. She was older and not someone that Eddie recognized as one of Buck’s neighbors but she looked familiar somehow. Her initial smile had faded a little when she saw Eddie, but she recovered a second later. 

“Uh, hello. Is Buck here? Evan Buckley. Or — wait, did I get the wrong apartment? Because I could have done that and—”

It hit him suddenly. Abby. This was Abby. 

“No,” Eddie said and he cleared his throat. “This is his apartment. I guess...come on in?”

She gave a short nod. 

Eddie didn’t step side to let her in, instead he turned and walked back in and let her take care of the door. He needed to give Buck some kind of warning because unless he’d seen her prior to this — and from how she hadn’t been sure that this was indeed Buck’s place, Eddie doubted that — it would be a shock that he maybe didn’t need on top of everything else. 

Buck was still on the couch. “Who was that, Ed?” 

Eddie mouthed it to him and he saw Buck pale a little just as Abby came up behind Eddie and into sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...Abby's back.   
I've wanted to write Abby returning pretty much since she left before I even really began to ship Buddie. So, once this fic got longer than I expected, I always wanted to do it. And then they announced she was actually coming back and it fit in with the story anyway so that's what's happening.
> 
> Next chapter might possibly be my favorite chapter in the entire fic. I will probably have it up on Tuesday. Thanks for reading. :)
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/611769155195158528/next-to-me-1517).


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're one chapter away from the end. Omg. And I have to say that this is probably my favorite chapter. So I hope you all like it.

Buck maybe wasn’t entirely truthful about how hurt he was. It was easier to not make a big deal out of how he’d fallen and how his leg — the leg that had been crushed under the truck — had taken a lot of the impact. It was why he’d fallen onto his side too and why he was so bruised up. His hip kind of twinged because of it and the blood thinners hadn’t made any of it easier. He felt sore and he was bruised and he was so grateful for Eddie and how caring he was being. This call had been the first in a long line of calls that he and Eddie weren’t together for the duration of. Buck had been having a bit too much fun teasing Eddie about guys. It hurt a little too, especially because he was waiting for the day when they would come upon someone that Eddie was interested in or someone that had the courage to ask Eddie out. And maybe Eddie would say yes. And then Buck’s heart would break and that was that. 

It was kind of amazing how they’d managed to actually have some time during which nothing horrible happened. 2020 maybe wasn’t going to be as bad as the previous year. Except for Michael. It had hit them all a little bit hard when they first heard and Buck had been able to see the toll that it was taking on Bobby and even worse on Athena even though she didn’t try to show it too often. She was just so strong, one of the strongest people that Buck knew. 

So, while he was sitting on his sofa waiting for Eddie to find the arnica lotion, Buck hardly expected anyone to knock on his door. Buck had expected for Maddie to show up if Chim told her how bruised up he was but she wouldn’t have bothered with knocking. Maddie would just barge on in. 

“Buck, you getting the door?” Eddie called out from the bathroom. 

“Trying to,” Buck said and he was pushing himself off the couch. “I sat down and—” 

“Don’t get up. I’ll get it,” Eddie called back and Buck settled himself down again and grabbed his ice, pressing it to his side. 

He saw Eddie leave the bathroom and head to the door but he couldn’t hear who was at the door or what they might want. Maybe it was one of the neighbors asking for help moving something because that happened often enough. People saw him and saw how muscular he was and they were usually right about how quick Buck was to help them out. 

Eddie walked back and he looked a little strange but he stepped into Buck’s line of sight. 

“Who was that, Ed?” 

Eddie mouthed it to him, overexaggerating it so that there was no chance for Buck to miss it. At first he thought that Eddie was saying it was Ali, but in the next moment he got it. Abby. It was Abby. Buck gulped and he was sort of freaking out. Abby was back. Abby was in his apartment stepping up just behind Eddie who didn’t seem to know how to move. 

Slowly, Buck sat up even when it pained his side and his hip and his leg too and then he saw her. Abby who looked just like she did when she left. Maybe her hair was a little bit shorter but it was still brilliantly red and her eyes were still hidden behind glasses. 

“I — I’m going to go look for—” Eddie motioned to the bathroom and he walked over there, and Buck was left looking at Abby. 

He stood up, dropping the ice on the coffee table. “Abby,” he said. “Hi. What are you — how are you here?” 

Abby shifted her feet and she looked down at the floor and then around what could be seen of the apartment. “I — I asked Carla where I could find you. Other than the station of course. I just felt it would be strange if I showed up there and I didn’t know if you would take my call. So, I came here.”

Buck had no idea how to respond. Should he be mad at Carla for sharing his address with Abby without telling him, or should he be glad that she hadn’t showed up at the station looking for him? Buck didn’t even know how he felt about Abby being back and about her coming to see him. It had been almost two years since she left and maybe just a little less than that since they had ceased to talk and since Buck had stopped going into her Instagram or expecting Carla to give him updates on her. 

“And maybe I shouldn’t have come,” Abby said when Buck hadn’t responded.

“Maybe not,” Buck said. “Abby, you — you left and you were supposed to come back after a few months but you didn’t and you stopped talking to me. You couldn’t take the time to even make it clear what this was for you. I stopped waiting around even though I did for a long time. So, I don’t know what you’re doing here now. Or even...even what you’re expecting.” 

Maybe it was a little harsh or mean and maybe it was his physical pain and exhaustion that was making him less than an ideal person to deal with his ex-girlfriend showing up out of the blue, but Buck could also remember how horrible he’d felt for months after Abby left. How much he’d blamed himself for not being enough to keep her or to have her return. 

“I’m sorry,” Abby said. “I came to apologize. To see you and to apologize because I know I could have handled things better. After my mom, I just...I wasn’t in a good place.”

Buck let out a sigh. He knew that. He knew how much pain Abby had been in back then and how lost she was too. Understanding that didn’t at all mean that she hadn’t hurt him or that looking back on that time, Buck didn’t feel like an idiot for not realizing that when she left he should have taken it like the break up that it clearly was. 

“I — I guess I’m sorry too,” Buck said. “But it hurt, Abby, and maybe — maybe we can catch up another time. Get coffee or something.”

Abby’s eyes went to the bathroom where Eddie still was presumably looking for the arnica lotion and then they flickered back to Buck. 

“Oh. I — sure, Buck. I’ll call you.” 

Buck nodded and Abby smiled a little. It was a nervous smile, one of the ones that she had often given him right before cancelling plans with him and having to get back to her mom. 

“See you soon, Buck,” Abby said and then she walked to the door and let herself out. It was once it clicked closed that Eddie came out of the bathroom. 

Eddie whistled as he came out. “So, that was Abby,” he said. 

“Thanks for hiding out in my bathroom,” Buck said, tilting his head and raising an eyebrow to make sure that Eddie got that he was being sarcastic. “And yeah, that was her.” 

“I mean, I knew she was older, but Buck she has to have almost twenty years on you.” 

“Less than that, thanks,” Buck said. “Did you find the arnica?” 

Eddie waved the lotion tube at him. “I did, actually. And I stayed in there because I figured you’d want the privacy. Alright. I was being polite.” 

“And avoiding the awkward situation,” Buck said but he grinned at him. “So, Abby’s back.”

Buck headed back to the couch and his ice pack and Eddie followed close behind and Buck was a little lost in thought. Thoughts about seeing Abby again and what a conversation with her would entail and wondering what her expectations would be. Did she want to be his friend or was she expecting there to be something more — for them to pick up where they left off? But Buck wouldn’t do that. He couldn’t do that, not when he didn’t love her anymore. He was so past loving her that it would never work. And then there was Eddie. He loved Eddie. 

“Abby’s back,” Eddie said. “You sounded not too thrilled to see her.”

“I don’t know what I am,” Buck said and took the lotion when Eddie offered it to him. He raised his top and tried to get lotion on his hands but Eddie stopped him. 

“Let me,” he said and their eyes met. 

Buck could only nod, holding the shirt out of the way and then Eddie’s fingers were on his skin, working the lotion in over the bruising in gentle touches that tickled a little more than anything else unless he touched a particularly bruised spot. Eddie’s hands on him, his fingers skirting over his ribs and down to this hip left his skin warm and hot and for a moment it made Buck forget everything. About Abby and about her unexpected return and especially about unrequited feelings for his best friend. 

“There,” Eddie said. “Done. Anywhere else?” 

Buck blinked. “No, I think that’s all. Thanks, Eddie. You heading out soon?” 

“What, you want to be alone or something?” 

Buck shrugged. “I figured you’d want to go home to Christopher.” Buck dropped his shirt back down and grabbed the ice pack again, placing it carefully over the worst of his bruising. 

“Or I could have Carla bring him here. He’d love to see his Buck,” Eddie offered. 

Buck felt a little needy for wanting that — for wanting both of his boys with him and not because of the bruising. It was because he needed a distraction from Abby coming back. And maybe he wanted to see Carla too and demand to know why she hadn’t given him any heads up about her return. But also, he wanted Christopher around because everything always felt a little better when that boy was around. 

“I—”

“I’m calling her right now,” Eddie said. “Just rest up and take that ice off for a little while.”

“Yes, sir,” Buck said and he shot him a grin because Eddie just got it. He understood Buck. 

Carla and Christopher arrived almost an hour later with an overnight bag for Christopher and a few of his things including his school stuff and a few toys. Christopher immediately moved as quickly as he could over to Buck. 

“Careful, kiddo, I’m a little bruised up. Okay,” Buck said.

“Okay,” Christopher said and didn’t seem to know how to approach Buck. 

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want a hug,” Buck said with a chuckle and he opened his arms. Chris stepped into them, putting his arms around Buck’s neck gently, but Buck hugged him closer before letting go and patting the couch on his side and handing Christopher the remote. “Pick something out.” 

“Okay.” 

Carla was in the kitchen talking to Eddie and Buck got up slowly and walked over to join them. Eddie had apparently asked Carla to pick them up some food on her way over because she was in the middle of plating food. 

“Hey, Buckaroo. How are you doing? Heard you fell.” 

“Bruised. But I’m fine,” Buck said. “Left the kid in front of the tv. I guess I’m a little less fine about not being warned that Abby was back in LA. Or that she knew where I lived.” 

“She came here,” Carla said.

“She did,” Eddie said. 

Carla stopped what she was doing and looked directly at Buck. “I told you before I don’t pick sides, Buck. But I told her to call you when I saw her. Had you asked, I would have told you she was back. Hasn’t been back very long. We went out for lunch two days ago. I gave her your address months ago because she wanted to send you a letter. To explain herself maybe or I don’t know but when you didn’t say anything I figured it wasn’t any of my business.”

“Oh,” Buck said. “Well, she showed up here and I — it shocked me. Seeing her. I wasn’t expecting it.”

“I’m sure you weren’t,” Carla said with a frown. “I know Abby didn’t do right by you, Buck.”

“But she told me I could do whatever I wanted. She never really asked me to wait for her and her mom had just died,” Buck said. 

Maybe he couldn’t fully blame her for everything that happened. Maybe he’d wanted a relationship so badly back then that even though there had been signs that it wasn’t going to work out, he’d pushed through that. And Abby had been great and interesting and different from anyone else that he’d pursued in the past and he’d latched on to that. 

“I told her I would see her soon. I guess we owe each other that much.”

Carla gave a short nod and then she continued plating everything up. Buck didn’t recognize the logo on the bag, but the food smelled delicious. 

“You sticking around to eat?” Buck asked.

“Eddie already told me I had to,” Carla said.

Eddie had been grabbing drinks out of the fridge but he shot Carla a grin. 

They ate in the living room after Eddie had set Christopher up on the floor by the coffee table to minimize the possibility of a mess happening. Carla left soon after they finished eating and she insisted on cleaning up after them and Buck found that he wasn’t really mad at Carla. She hadn’t known that Abby was going to just show up at his place, after all, and that made him feel a little better. 

“You’re really okay with seeing Abby again?” Eddie asked after a while. 

Christopher had gotten engrossed in How To Train Your Dragon so he didn’t pay them any mind. 

“I guess. She broke my heart, you know, but she also made me realize that I could be someone dependable and someone that didn’t think about one thing and one thing only. I used to get so frustrated with her though because she cancelled so many of our dates halfway through because of her mom. Even dates that were supposed to be super special. And a part of me always admired her devotion to taking care of her mom. She’s a good person. And losing her mom, it left her not sure who she was anymore when she didn’t have to take care of someone anymore.”

“Right,” Eddie said and then nothing else so Buck turned to the movie, but he turned back to Eddie again because he wanted him to understand. 

“It’s like this,” Buck said, “we were friends first, I think. She was easy to talk to and she cared in a different way than anyone else did. And dating her, it felt like being an adult for the first time. I don’t know. Bobby once told me that people like that — people worth being with — they come with baggage and that the most important thing is to realize you can’t save them or make things better but that you can help carry the baggage and that’s what we were for each other. But after her mom died — I guess she didn’t need me anymore. And she couldn’t be there for me like I needed. But I clung to what she represented for me. But everything I learned and all the ways that I changed, I owe a lot of that to her.” 

Eddie reached over and gave his arm a squeeze. “Buck, it’s complicated. I get that. I had that.” 

Buck nodded and then he turned back to the movie. Christopher was on Buck’s good side, so when he leaned into him, Buck just pulled him closer. 

“Tired, buddy?” 

“It’s past my bedtime,” Christopher admitted and Buck hadn’t even realized it was so late. “But I want to finish the movie.” 

“You can sleep after the movie,” Eddie said. 

“Okay, Daddy,” Chris said and yawned. Buck wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t make it through the rest of the movie at all. 

“But how about you get changed first, eh, superman?” Buck asked. “And we can all brush our teeth too. Make it a proper slumber party.” 

Eddie gave him a thankful look as Christopher stood up and then Buck watched Eddie grab Chris’ bag. While they were gone, Buck headed up stairs to get a blanket and spare pillow for the couch. He really needed to invest in a pull out. While up there he figured it was worth it to change his clothes too, putting on pajama bottoms that Maddie had given him for Christmas and an old worn out t-shirt. When he returned, he found Christopher in the bathroom brushing his teeth and Eddie cleaning up a little. 

“So, Carla didn’t think to pack any clothes for me,” Eddie said. 

“Go ahead. Me and Christopher have a movie to finish watching,” Buck said and he walked over to the bathroom where Christopher was finishing up. “Okay, then, let me see.”

Christopher smiled wide. 

“Looking good kid. Now, my turn.”

Buck made quick work of washing his face and then brushing his teeth. Christopher had run off to keep watching his movie but when Buck approached, he motioned for Buck to smile. 

“Looking good, kid,” he said with a giggle. 

Buck nudged him and chuckled. God, this kid really was something else. Buck got him all settled in on the couch while they watched the last bits of the movie. Eddie came back down to join them and Buck was surprised when Christopher didn’t fall asleep before the movie was over even though he was yawning a little towards the end and his weight was heavily leaned on his side. 

“Okay, little man. Sleep time,” Eddie said. 

“Okay, daddy. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Eddie said. 

“Good night, Buck.” 

“Night, Christopher.” 

Eddie tucked his son in while Buck went and plugged in the nightlight that Carla had thought to bring over from Eddie’s house. He and Eddie didn’t speak as Buck turned off the lights and headed upstairs. Eddie followed close behind him and Buck couldn’t help but feel just a little bit strange because they hadn’t even spoken about how they were going to share Buck’s bed. It wasn’t going to be the first time — Buck would never forget that night that Eddie showed up unexpectedly injured and upset and yet sure that Buck wouldn’t judge him for anything. 

“Hey,” Eddie said and Buck thought it was going to be about the bed situation so he was surprised when it wasn’t. “So we haven’t spoken about you knowing Spanish yet. Explain.” 

Buck chuckled and he sat down right on the edge of his bed. Eddie crossed his arms and looked at him, waiting. 

“I told you. I bartended in South America. Mexico for a little while but I travelled down the west coast. Kind of had to learn the language to get by.”

“Of course,” Eddie said. “How long was this for?”

“Probably close to a year. Maybe longer. That was — I don’t know four or five years ago now.” 

“Y todavía sabes hablar español. Eres increible, Buck,” Eddie said. 

[“And you still know how to speak Spanish. You’re incredible, Buck”]

“I’m rusty as hell,” Buck said. “Tu abuela me dijo que yo tengo que practicar.”

[“Your grandma told me that I have to practice”]

Eddie chuckled. “From what I can tell, you’re doing well enough, Buck. But wait, you spoke to my abuela about this but not me. When?” 

Buck stood up, wincing a little when he stretched out his side too much. “Uh, it was during the lawsuit. I ran into her in a store. Crazy odds, that happening, but I spoke to her a little. And at Christmas when I was setting things up. I spoke to her then.” 

“Of course,” Eddie said. 

Buck pulled back the covers on the bed and sat down on his cool sheets and he heard Eddie move to the otherside. They got into his bed without a word and Buck had to shift around until he found a way to lay that didn’t disturb his bruises or anywhere else that he was sore. 

“Are you going to squirm all night?” Eddie asked as he took the trouble of reaching over and turning off Buck’s lamp. 

“I’m injured, leave me alone,” Buck said as he finally settled on his unhurt side. It meant that he was facing Eddie who was just close enough that Buck could reach out and touch him. He wanted to touch him. 

“You okay?” Eddie asked. 

“Yeah,” Buck said and he closed his eyes even though sleep wasn’t really coming. “Hey, Eddie.”

“Hmm?”

“Thanks for being here.”

“I’ll always be here,” Eddie said. “Next to you. We have each other’s back remember?”

Buck chuckled. He was never going to forget that night. How easily things could have gone badly and how the bond between them had solidified because they had been in it together and because Buck couldn’t hate Eddie despite how much he’d tried to. His crush had been apparent to him even then but it had been so superficial and ridiculous and Buck hadn’t really known how things were going to turn out. 

“Goodnight, Buck,” Eddie said but he didn’t turn away, they were facing each other and Buck could feel Eddie watching him. When he blinked his eyes open he could only just make out Eddie’s features and his eyes. 

They didn’t have to say anything. Buck didn’t want to break the moment that they were having and when Eddie’s lips quirked up into a bit of a smile, Buck couldn’t help but smile back and Buck was hit with a thought. He didn’t want this moment to end — or for this to not be the norm between them. He wanted this. He and Eddie together and Christopher not far from them. Buck wanted them every day for as long as he was allowed to keep them. And maybe that meant that he had to let Eddie know it was what he wanted because Eddie was right there inches from him and it had to mean something. Anything. 

Buck didn’t remember when he fell asleep. He woke up pressed into Eddie’s back, his head resting right at Eddie’s neck and his chest snug into Eddie, their legs pressed together and his arm over Eddie’s waist and Eddie was holding his hand to his chest, their fingers intertwined. Buck could feel him breathing, the steady rise of his chest. Eddie was still asleep and Buck just let himself drift off again, enjoying the moment. If the universe liked him even a little bit, it would allow Buck to have this. To wake up with Eddie every morning and get to love him and be loved by him. 

Time passed and Buck drifted until he felt Eddie’s hand tighten in his and then Eddie did the most curious thing, pressing a kiss onto Buck’s hand, his lips lingering on his skin. Buck held himself still, wondering if Eddie had any idea that Buck was awake. A moment later, Eddie lifted Buck’s arm off him, placing it on the bed. He didn’t turn to look at Buck as he stretched his arms over his head and then he grabbed his phone and sat back down on the bed. 

Buck sat up slowly, careful of the bruising. “Good morning,” Buck said. 

“Morning,” Eddie returned looking over his shoulder. “Should get Christopher up and ready for school.”

“I’ll make breakfast,” Buck said. 

It was odd, the normality. The lack of awkwardness between them because Buck knew that Eddie knew that he’d been awake. He had to have realized and yet maybe because Buck wasn’t saying anything, Eddie wouldn’t either. It wasn an unspoken thing and Buck didn’t know for how much longer it would remain that way. 

Christopher was still asleep when they made it down stairs and Eddie took the task of waking him up and getting him ready. Buck in the meanwhile made pancakes because it was the easiest thing to make and because he was pretty sure he didn’t have ingredients for anything else. It was while he was in the middle of mixing his batter that his phone rang. There weren’t many people that called him early in the morning. Usually he would expect it from Eddie if he needed help with Christopher but since Eddie was in the bathroom with Chris, Buck had no idea who to expect. Maybe Maddie if she needed help with something. But it wasn’t Maddie. 

He’d forgotten all about Abby and it was her name and picture that appeared on his screen. It took him longer than he expected before he picked up the call and a part of him had wanted to just not pick it up at all. 

“Hi,” he said. 

“Hey, Buck,” Abby said. 

Buck kept working on the batter, whisking it together and adding a splash of milk to help the consistency along. 

“I was wondering if I could see you today? I mean, if you have to work don’t worry about it and we can figure out another time but I’m free today.”

A part of him wanted to tell her that he was busy. But he wasn’t. It was his day off and Buck had no plans other than going out to get groceries. 

“I — I think I can do today.” 

Maybe getting it out of the way would be for the best anyway. 

“Oh. Good,” Abby said. 

Buck fetched his stovetop griddle pan. “We can get coffee or drinks this afternoon,” Buck said. He spotted Christopher walking towards him with Eddie close behind. Chris wrapped his arms around Buck’s waist.

“Hi, Buck,” Chris said. 

“Hey, bud,” Buck said, ignoring the phone. “Sleep okay?” 

“Yes. What are you making?” 

“Pancakes,” Buck said and reached down to fix Christopher’s glasses which had gone askew. 

Christopher stepped back, facing his dad and Buck heard him tell Eddie about the pancakes. Buck was lost in thought watching them that he forgot all about his phone pressed to his ear until he heard Abby calling his name. 

“Oh, sorry, Abby. Got distracted. What did you say?” 

“I said coffee sounds good. Text me where you want to meet up.”

“Will do. See you later,” Buck said and hung up the call, setting his phone down when he looked towards Chris and Eddie, he found Eddie watching him. “What?” 

“So, you’re going to go see her, then,” he said. 

“Yeah. I think I will.” 

Eddie nodded. 

“I think I need to,” Buck said. He turned back to his pan, putting the stove on and waiting for it to warm up enough. 

“Oh,” Eddie said. 

“Anyway, how much time do you guys still have? I’m gonna try and make these quick and then we can head out.” 

“We?” Eddie asked. 

“Yes, we. I need to go pick up my car, dude. Unless you’re planning on taking me grocery shopping.”

Eddie laughed. “We have plenty of time, Buck. Don’t worry about that. And I could come with you if you want. I have to do some shopping too.” 

It felt so domestic. Like everything falling into place because this was what it should have been like between them and what Buck wanted more than anything. 

“I don’t mind that at all,” Buck said. He started pouring the batter onto the griddle. “Mind starting the coffee?”

“Sure,” Eddie said. 

The morning went quick after that. Eddie took over the pancakes while Buck went to get ready, and then the three of them ate together. Eddie didn’t even bother with gathering all of Chris’ things and instead just his stuff for school and then they were on their way. Christopher insisted that Buck sit in the back with him and Buck couldn’t say no. 

“Excited for school today?” Buck asked. 

“I like school,” Christopher said and jumped into explaining how school had gone the day before. 

Buck listened as attentive as he could and then when they arrived at the school he got out and helped Christopher out too. Eddie rounded the car by the time that Buck had grabbed Christopher’s backpack. 

“Be right back, I usually walk him in,” Eddie said. 

“Bye, Buck,” Christopher said and he waved with a flailing arm before he turned and started off down the sidewalk, clinking away with his braces and Eddie not too far behind. 

“Cute family,” someone said near him and when Buck turned he found a woman that must have also been dropping off her kids. 

“Yeah,” Buck said. “They are.” And they were his family. He just needed to make sure that it stayed that way and that started with him Eddie. 

Buck had never once been afraid of his feelings — afraid of sharing them and putting them out there for people to know them. He was open about things. Usually. He’d been so quick to tell Abby he liked her and to make that relationship go at a pace that meant he didn’t screw it up. Maybe the difference was that Abby had come calling first and he’d known that rejection wouldn’t be a problem. With Eddie it was different. And maybe even his feelings ran deeper. It was probably what was holding him back, but watching Eddie as he walked back towards him, he realized that he had to trust that Eddie wouldn’t cast him out if Buck told him how he felt. Their friendship would survive it. It had already survived other things. 

“Ready?” Eddie asked.

“Yup. Let’s go. Do you want to stop at your house at all?” 

Eddie shook his head. “No. I know what I need to get.” 

Shopping with Eddie turned into a bit of an adventure. One in which they ended up arguing over cereal in two different aisles in two different stores. 

“Is this all you feed Christopher?” 

“It’s quick and he can practically just do it himself most mornings. Not to mention cooking is not really a thing I do.” 

Buck was on the brink of offering to cook them breakfast every morning if it could save Christopher from having cereal every day. 

“And anyway, when Carla watches him she makes him eggs and other stuff. He’s fine. Just let me buy my cereal, Buck.” 

By the time that they were done, Buck was questioning all of Eddie’s choices regarding food. He bought a lot of fruit but then not much else that needed to actually be prepared and cooked other than pasta. It was just a bit worrisome but then Buck had to figure that Eddie and Chris when with him were usually eating take out and that Christopher probably also spent a lot of time with abuela who as a grandmother would do her best to feed them. 

It was well past noon by the time that they had dropped off all of Buck’s groceries and then they drove to Eddie’s to put away his stuff. Buck couldn’t help but think about how much easier it would have been if they were living together. 

“Lunch?” Eddie asked. 

Buck laughed. “We’re at your house and you have nothing but cereal to eat.” 

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Actually I have chicken stew that abuela cooked in my fridge. And I do know how to cook some things. Stuff my sisters and mom taught me. I just don’t really have the time for it.” 

“Lunch sounds good, Eddie.” 

And it was good. It was delicious. Buck had never before tasted a stew that was so flavorful and perfect. Eddie just laughed at him when he praised it, his eyes twinkling with amusement. It was while Buck was washing the dishes, still a bit careful with moving and stretching too far due to his bruises, that Abby texted him. Buck had all but forgotten about their coffee date. 

She sent him a question about a time and place. There was a cafe right by the station that would do. And Buck could have Eddie just drop him off and then he could go and get his car. He sent her a text back with the place and then added that he would meet her in an hour. 

“Mind if I go get cleaned up a little?” Buck asked when he was done with the dishes. “Figure you can drop me off for this coffee date with Abby.” 

“Date,” Eddie said. 

“Uh...not like that. I just — figure of speech.” 

Eddie nodded and Buck kicked himself for putting his foot in his mouth that way. He definitely didn’t want to give Eddie the wrong impression. What he wanted was to go and see Abby and to put her behind him officially. He wanted to close up that part of his life and prepare himself to start a new one. With Eddie. 

They left the house after Buck came out of the bathroom with his hair fixed up again and the drive was mostly in silence and Buck didn’t know what to make of it. Eddie was acting a little odd and he didn’t want to read into it. When he parked in front of the cafe, the last thing he expected was Eddie to get out of the car too. 

“Uh, what are you doing?” Buck asked. 

“Figured I’d get some tea while I’m here,” Eddie said. 

“Are you — Eddie, you can’t be thinking about spying on us. Come on, man, it’ll be okay. I’m fine. It’s just coffee between friends. Now, go.” 

“But—”

“No buts,” Buck said. “Go. I’ll see you at work tomorrow, okay?” 

Eddie hesitated before he nodded but instead of walking back to the car, Eddie pulled Buck into a hug instead and it was just too easy to melt into it. Eddie smelled a little bit like his detergent from how he’d worn Buck’s clothes and slept in his bed and he held him for a second longer than a hug required but with a gentleness that told Buck that he hadn’t forgotten that Buck was all bruised up still. 

“I’ll text you later. Actually — I’ll stop by later to get some of Chris’ things,” Eddie said when he finally let Buck go. 

“Okay,” Buck said and he watched him as he pulled out and left. 

The hug left him thinking. It left him wondering if maybe he was wrong and things could work out between him and Eddie. He hoped so. Buck shook himself and walked towards the Cafe and he spotted Abby at once at a seat right by the window. 

“Hi,” Buck said and she stood up, arms open and Buck had no choice but to hug her. It felt awkward and strange. Like two puzzle pieces that weren’t supposed to fit together. 

“Hi, Buck,” Abby said. 

“I — I’ll go order something,” Buck said after Abby had returned to her seat. 

There wasn’t a line to the counter so he stepped right up and ordered a latte and a danish. The girl behind the counter smiled at him and Buck could tell that she was trying to vibe on him, but he ignored it and just nodded when she said she’d bring it to the table after he paid. 

“Okay,” Buck said as he sat down. “So, how have you been?”

“Good. I’ve been good. And you? Carla told me you were injured and that tsunami. I was worried about all of you.”

Not enough to call or text or try to reach out to any of them, but she had worried. 

“Yeah, my leg was crushed under a ladder truck,” Buck said. “And I was at the pier when the tsunami hit. So, a lot has happened. Not all of it good.”

Abby looked stricken but Buck waved her off. 

“You’re okay now?” Abby asked. 

“I’m fine,” Buck said. “I’m back at work and everything is fine. Perfect, even.” 

Abby nodded. The girl from behind the counter appeared with his coffee and danish. 

“Thank you,” Buck said. 

She smiled and walked away. She was cute, but Buck was far from interested. Buck 1.0 certainly would have been though. He was a whole different person, now, and Buck had to remember that he’d only become so because of the woman sitting in front of him. Or maybe he had to take a little more credit for that. He’d wanted to change. He’d been ready for it. 

“So, have you been travelling this entire time?” Buck asked.

“For a lot of it,” Abby said. “I went to see my brother for a while but living with him is impossible so I left again. Went back to Ireland. It’s beautiful there. But after a while, it all just felt like running and I wanted to come back here. At least for some time.” 

Buck nodded. He worked on adding sugar into his coffee, watching the liquid swirl in the cup. 

“And I’ve felt horrible about what I did,” Abby said. “It was never my intention. I was so lost after she passed and maybe I wanted to cut off any connections that I had to here and to my mother and it was so hard to think about you and how supportive you were when it came to her. I’m sorry, Buck. I really am.”

He could tell that she meant it and that it was something that had been plaguing her and bothering her. Buck reached over and placed a hand on hers. 

“I won’t say it wasn’t hard but I held on for far longer than I should have. But, I guess I get it,” Buck said. “How long are you here for?” 

Abby smiled at him and Buck could tell that it was lighter. 

“I don’t know,” Abby said. “I thought...well, I had an idea that I would be here for the long haul, but I’m rethinking that now. Rethinking a lot of things, I guess.”

Buck frowned at her. He cut off a piece of his danish and brought it up to his mouth. “What’s changed?” he asked before putting it in his mouth. 

Abby smiled wistfully. “I guess since we’re being honest, a part of me was hoping I would find you here single and not waiting but here and that we could pick up where we left off. But that’s — I should have known that you wouldn’t still be...I didn’t know you were bi, Buck. But I can read between the lines and that guy you had over last night and then he dropped you off here. I’m happy for you, Buck.”

Buck had no idea what to say. He loved Eddie, but they weren’t really much of anything past friends. 

“We’re not — Eddie’s my friend. He...we work together,” Buck settled on and then because it was Abby and she was being honest with him and maybe because she didn’t know Eddie, he kept going, “but I’m in love with him. He has this amazing kid and I love him too. I want to tell him and I hope our friendship doesn’t suffer from it, but I want to take that leap and tell him.”

“You should,” Abby said with a chuckle. “I mean, the way he hugged you out there and how he glared at me.”

“He glared at you?” Buck asked. He stopped halfway through breaking up another piece of danish. 

Abby nodded. “Yeah. I figured possessive boyfriend.”

It was that Eddie didn’t trust Abby to not hurt Buck. It was that Eddie had met Buck when Buck had still been dealing with the aftermath of Abby leaving. But maybe, if Buck allowed himself to hope just a little, just maybe it was jealousy instead of a friend being protective. 

“You look happy, Buck,” Abby said. “And one thing I’ve learned with my mom and with all the travelling I did to find myself. It’s that you should go for the things you want. Even if it doesn’t pan out how you want it to, it’s worth it to try.” 

He and Abby caught up for a little while longer. Buck filled her in on how everyone at the 118 was doing, mostly the things that Carla hadn’t managed to tell her. She was a little shocked to hear about Bobby and Athena getting married and interested to know more about Maddie. Saying goodbye to her by the end of it made him feel light. Abby wasn’t baggage that he’d been carrying around. He’d let go of her ages ago, but the closure was still nice. 

“Keep in touch,” Buck said as they stepped outside of the cafe. 

“I will,” Abby said. “And maybe next time you can introduce me to your man.” 

Buck ducked his head. “If he ever becomes that. Sure.” 

He was the one to open his arms and pull Abby into a hug and this time it did feel a little better. 

“Thank you, Abby,” he whispered. 

She smiled but said nothing and when he walked away from her, Buck already had a plan forming in his head. He had to talk to Eddie and he had to confess his feelings. Even if it went badly and even if Eddie didn’t feel the same way, Buck had to do it. 

It wasn’t a long walk to the station and to his Jeep, but it still gave Buck time to think and time to plan. He couldn’t wait any longer on telling Eddie. He’d waited too long and he had been scared for too long. But, he was sure about what he wanted and who he wanted and it was worth trying. It was worth everything. 

When he got back to his apartment, Buck could still see the remnants of the night before. The sofa still had the pillow and blanket that Christopher used and his things were scattered everywhere. The kitchen wasn’t fully clean from breakfast and there were three plates sitting in the sink. When he went upstairs his bed wasn’t made and it was easy to tell that two people had been in it. It made Buck hope. It made him sure that what he was doing would be the right thing. 

He spent some time cleaning, texting Maddie in between and filling her in on everything that happened with Abby even though he knew that Maddie had never fully approved. 

Eddie texted him eventually, but he didn’t ask about Abby. Instead he asked if he was still welcome to stop by to pick up Chris’ things. Buck sent an affirmative and then he tried to figure out how he was going to have that conversation with Eddie but he was drawing a blank. 

When he heard Eddie come into the apartment a little while later, Buck realized that he actually still had no idea how it was going to go. Or what he was going to say. 

“Buck!” Eddie called out. “You here?” 

“I’m upstairs,” Buck said. He’d gotten a little bit lost researching a good way to tell Eddie how he felt. It hadn’t really helped him at all. 

He heard Eddie’s footsteps on the stairs before he’d gotten a chance to get up. Eddie stepped up. “Ah, lazing about, I see,” Eddie said. 

“It is my day off, Diaz,” Buck said. 

Eddie rolled his eyes but he was smiling and he looked beautiful and Buck loved that Eddie didn’t hesitate to walk over and sit down on Buck’s bed, facing him. 

“So,” Eddie said. 

“So what?” 

“Abby. How did it go?” 

It felt like a strange sort of opening. 

“It went okay. Actually, I guess it went kind of great,” Buck said. 

Eddie stared at him for a moment. “Are you going to see her again?” 

“Maybe. Probably,” Buck said. “We just got to clear the air about everything that happened back then and I guess I needed that. I needed to see her and understand why she did what she did.” 

Eddie reached over and nudged Buck’s ankle. 

“Closure, I guess,” Buck said. “Reminded me just how much I changed after I met her...how much it made me think about what I wanted from life and for myself. And, I have to be honest with you, Eddie. I have to—” he trailed off and sat up more in the bed. Buck hadn’t pictured this conversation happening in his bed. Or happening this way. 

“What is it?” Eddie asked, a bit of a frown on his face. 

His eyes were so warm and the emotion always so genuine and Buck could still remember when Eddie stared at him in anger or when he refused to meet Buck’s eyes but even then there had never been any hate. Not even when they’d barely known each other and Buck was trying to be as antagonistic as possible. Now, it was just warmer and deeper and Buck had to tell him. No matter what. 

“To put it bluntly?” Buck said. “I just — I love you, Eddie. I’m in love with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must say that I was aiming at this chapter being the last and I almost wrote it that way until I realized that I really wanted to know what Eddie thought about Abby and the moments leading up to the end of this chapter and after it. Next chapter will be up in a few days and I can't wait for all of you to read it. Let me know what you thought about this one. :)
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/612235050266787840/next-to-me-1617).


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the last chapter. I just want to say a quick thanks to anyone that’s read, left a kudos, or commented on this fic. It’s been a fun journey and I hope you all like this last chapter. Enjoy.

There were inches between them in the bed. Eddie could see Buck in the light from the moon that filtered in and fell over them. Buck had finally settled in and Eddie didn’t know if he could stop looking at him. The last thing that Eddie had expected was to end the night climbing into Buck’s bed. 

Then again, things had taken an interesting turn when Abby showed up. Eddie had been in the bathroom hiding and holding the arnica lotion like a lifeline and listening at the door and even though the conversation had been short and Buck sent her away, it hadn’t made Eddie feel less strange and like maybe everything was going to change now that she was back. Except that Buck didn’t just welcome her with his arms wide open and that at least made Eddie worry just a little less. 

But Buck was still going to see her again. He was that kind of guy. Good and nice and unable to hold a grudge. Eddie loved all of that about him, but it wasn’t a quality that endeared itself to Eddie at the moment. Eddie knew — he’d experienced first hand the return of an old love and it wasn’t easy to deal with and brought on so many old emotions. 

Things had been going well with them and their friendship but Eddie could easily see that changing. Buck might decide to pick things up with Abby and that was a prospect that could break Eddie apart into pieces. 

When Buck opened his eyes, Eddie just kept looking at him and they were sharing smiles. It was a moment that lasted a while until Buck started to drift off but Eddie couldn’t sleep just yet so he just kept on watching him until his eyes started to droop and then he finally closed them. He was still just drifting when one of Buck’s hands landed on his chest and Eddie couldn’t help but raise his hand to cover it and to hold Buck’s hand there. He sort of hoped that Buck could feel his heartbeat and that it might tell him everything. 

“Te amo,” Eddie whispered. “Quisiera que fuera fácil decirte.” His fingers ran over the back of Buck’s hand down to his fingers. He had such strong big hands and long fingers. 

[“I love you…I wish it were easy to tell you”]

“You’re right here,” Eddie whispered. “And I want you. Every part of you.”

He just wished that he could say it to Buck’s face when Buck was awake and listening but that was scary maybe even more so than not knowing what Buck’s reaction would be. 

Eddie let go of Buck’s hand, turning on to his other side and facing away because he knew he’d get no sleep if he kept staring at Buck. But he felt it when Buck inched a bit closer a few minutes later, his breath falling over Eddie’s neck and the tip of his nose brushing where his shoulder met his neck. Eddie held completely still until he knew that Buck was still sleeping and he fell asleep feeling the warmth of how close Buck was. Because Buck was there next to him and that was how it should always be. 

The next day, he woke up a little too warm and disoriented and then he slowly remembered and he realized that Buck was spooning him. Buck was a little bigger than him, more broad and definitely packing more muscle and the weight of his arm over Eddie’s chest felt amazing and different. Grounding. Eddie had latched on to his hand again in his sleep and he allowed himself a smile. Not really thinking, Eddie brought Buck’s hand to his lips, lingering on the soft skin. He stayed there a moment longer before he figured it was time to get up. 

Buck woke up not long after him, sighing a little and moving gingerly because of his bruising. 

“Good morning,” Buck said and his voice was a little bit rough. 

“Morning,” Eddie said and looked over his shoulder. “Should get Christopher up and ready for school.”

“I’ll make breakfast,” Buck offered at once. 

Eddie didn’t expect to spend the rest of the morning and into the afternoon with Buck, but somehow they went to drop off Christopher and then wound up going grocery shopping together. Buck seemed to get a kick out of making fun of Eddie’s purchases but then Buck didn’t fully understand how busy having a kid made you on top of being a firefighter and not being the best cook. On a busy morning — which was most mornings — cereal was the best and easiest option. Quick snacks between school and physical therapy were also necessary. Christopher was a growing kid and he already didn’t eat as much as Eddie would like. 

“I just think that if you’re going to have breakfast bars that they not have that much sugar,” Buck said when they were standing in line for check out. “And potato chips? How about something else?” 

“Didn’t take you for a health nut, Buck,” Eddie said. 

Buck rolled his eyes. “I’m not. I just think you’re buying nothing but junk food.” 

Eddie laughed and nudged his side. “Buck, you know I limit Chris’ sugar intake. Because that kid gets hyper and fast. And a lot of this stuff will last a while. He’s not eating it every day.” 

It was touching, actually, how much Buck worried. Eddie was definitely aware that Buck wasn’t a stickler for healthy food, but looking at what Buck was buying, there was a difference. 

“It’s your kid,” Buck said eventually. “And your abs.”

Eddie laughed at that and then he nudged him. “So you noticed those?” If it sounded like flirting, Eddie didn’t care. 

Buck just knocked their shoulders together but didn’t respond. Eddie thought that maybe Buck was blushing a little. 

Buck went first, paying for all his stuff and jumping in to bag it too and he moved down from the register, distracted by his phone while Eddie was rung up, but then Buck jumped in to bag Eddie’s stuff before even Eddie could move. 

“Lucky man,” the cashier said. 

“What was that?” Eddie asked.

“Your boyfriend...you’re lucky to have him.” 

Buck had already pulled the cart away and was looking back at Eddie. Eddie just grabbed his receipt and smiled at the cashier. “Yeah, I am lucky,” he said. “Thanks.” 

“And cute too,” the cashier added. 

Eddie chuckled and nodded before he followed Buck. 

Eddie invited Buck to stick around for lunch. He had a stew that abuela had insisted he take home the last time he and Christopher went to see her. Eddie kind of figured that abuela probably thought that Eddie wasn’t doing the best job at keeping Christopher fed. She and Pepa had once taken a look inside his fridge and Eddie didn’t know which of them winced more. He did remember Pepa showing up a few days later with groceries and a cookbook. That was back when he’d first moved to LA. Eddie didn’t think he’d ever bother to even open the cookbook. 

It was after lunch that reality set back in and that the bubble that he and Buck were in was suddenly popped. Buck had insisted on cleaning up but once he was done, he turned to Eddie. “Mind if I go get cleaned up a little?” Buck asked when he was done with the dishes. “Figure you can drop me off for this coffee date with Abby.” 

The word date brought him to a halt. It was a date. Buck was going on a date? This was — this wasn’t supposed to be happening. 

“Date,” Eddie said and he hoped his voice sounded normal. 

“Uh...not like that. I just — figure of speech,” Buck said. 

Eddie hoped so and yet it didn’t mean that he couldn’t worry. He knew first hand the kind of feelings that meeting up with an ex could bring up and how confusing it could all be. There was no doubt that Buck had loved Abby. With the way that everything had hit him so hard — how he’d acted when Eddie first met him — Eddie wouldn’t be entirely surprised if Buck didn’t come out of that coffee date without another date or the promise of trying to work things out. And maybe for Buck and Abby they would work out or it would be time wasted on something that wasn’t meant to be but either way, it wouldn’t mean anything good for Eddie. 

After Buck went to clean himself up, Eddie tried not to let his mind come up with scenarios and things that would change everything. He didn’t want to be jealous, but looking at Buck when he came out of the bathroom looking like he’d borrowed some of Eddie’s gel to fix up his hair, it made him want to just lock all the doors and not let Buck leave at all. Buck always looked good, but seeing him put in this effort for Abby, it bothered him and maybe made him a little paranoid. 

Eddie didn’t know if he could say anything without being a little tense and annoyed so as they drove, he didn’t say much and Buck busied himself on his phone. It was as he was parking that Eddie decided on something crazy. He couldn’t let Buck go inside on his own. He just couldn’t. And, what made him feel better about that idea was that he was pretty sure Bobby and Maddie and probably everyone else at the 118 wouldn’t be okay with Buck seeing Abby on his own. Without even saying anything when they parked, he got out of the car and Buck whirled around to him immediately. 

“Uh, what are you doing?” Buck asked, a little bemused. 

“Figured I’d get some tea while I’m here,” Eddie said and he hoped he sounded casual and normal and not like someone that was having a bit of a jealous freak out. 

“Are you — Eddie, you can’t be thinking about spying on us. Come on, man, it’ll be okay. I’m fine. It’s just coffee between friends. Now, go.” Buck looked like he meant it. 

“But—”

“No buts. Go. I’ll see you at work tomorrow, okay?” 

Eddie didn’t want to let him go but he knew Buck would walk him back into the car and watch him until he drove away if he didn’t and that felt more embarrassing than anything. That was when he spotted Abby. 

She was already inside and had sat down right by the window. Eddie never had any problem with age differences, but seeing her and how much older than Buck she looked, it made him feel strange and like despite these two being adults it shouldn’t have been a thing. Eddie was pretty sure that it was the parent in him thinking that way, and maybe also how jealous he was. And when she looked up and out, smiling just a little, he felt a bit petty and he turned back to Buck and he pulled him into his arms. Buck didn’t fight the hug despite how out of the blue it was, returning it at once and pressing in close even though Eddie’s hold on him could have been broken at any moment with how lose it was partly because Buck was still pretty bruised up but also because he didn’t want to come off too desperate. 

It was when he figured it was time to let Buck go that he looked up again and found Abby watching them. He stepped back from Buck and in some ways it felt like he was letting go...like letting go of someone that wasn’t even his. 

“I’ll text you later. Actually — I’ll stop by later to get some of Chris’ things,” Eddie said and he hoped that nothing would be different when he did. 

“Okay,” Buck said and Eddie just climbed back into his car and left before he changed his mind and refused to go. 

When he got back home, his house felt empty and Eddie didn’t know what to do. Christopher would be in school for a couple more hours and even then, he had a playdate afterschool so Eddie wasn’t even picking him up from school but from his friend’s house later that night. It left the house empty and Eddie just a bit lonely.

Cleaning felt like the thing to do, but it also meant that he was doing a lot that didn’t exactly require much thought. It meant that his mind could wonder and think about Buck and Abby and about all the possibilities of what them meeting up could bring. Sometimes his mind wandered back to the night before and that moment when they were in Buck’s bed and nothing else mattered but the two of them lying there in the dark with inches between them. That had to mean something. Eddie just wished that his words hadn’t been said to Buck while Buck was asleep. 

He’d finished cleaning the bathroom and he was in the middle of collecting all of his and Chris’ laundry when his phone rang. A part of him hoped that it was Buck. It was abuela instead. 

“Hola, Abuela,” Eddie said. “Todo bien?” 

[“Hi, Grandma,” Eddie said. “Everything okay?”]

“Eddito, si, todo esta bien. Pero si puedes venir por aquí hoy, necesito un poco de ayuda.” 

[“Eddito, yes, everything is fine. But, if you can stop by today, I need a bit of help.”]

“Que paso? What happened, everything okay?” 

[“What happened…”]

“Estoy bien. Es el sink. Your cousin was here and I didn’t notice. It’s stuck.”

[“I’m fine. It’s the sink…”]

Ever since he’d moved to LA, his abuela called him whenever there was anything wrong at her house. His cousins were kind of useless in that sense and Pepa even more so and Pepa’s husband was always so busy that even if he wanted to help he wouldn’t do it until he had time. Eddie had no idea how his abuela got things done before he moved to LA, but he was glad to be around for her. Someone needed to be. 

“No estoy haciendo nada. Solo limpiando. I’ll be over in half an hour.” 

[“I’m not doing anything. Just cleaning…”]

He hung up with her and figured he’d at least put the load in the washing machine before heading over. The one good thing was that his abuela had all kinds of tools at her house, far more than Eddie did at his, so he didn’t have to take anything with him. 

When he got there about an hour later, he found her sitting inside watching the news in Spanish. 

“Eddito, you came,” she said with a smile and Eddie met her for a hug. 

“Of course, I did. Now, which sink is it?” 

“It’s the downstairs bathroom,” she said and even though Eddie knew her house well, she still walked ahead of him to show it to him and Eddie saw exactly what had happened. Someone — his cousin, no doubt — had tried to open the hot water tap and pushed the handle the wrong way and gotten it stuck. 

“Ah, esto no es tan dificil,” Eddie said. “Nothing I can’t fix.” 

[“This doesn’t look too hard”]

“My good boy,” Abuela said, touching his cheek. 

He went out to her shed to get the tools he would need to take out the faucet and then put it back in again. It didn’t take him long and he could hear abuela puttering about in the kitchen probably making something for him when he didn’t need her to but Eddie already knew better than to try and stop her. It would only offend her. By the time he finished, cleaned up, and put the tools back where they belonged, Eddie found abuela in the middle of making what looked to be cookies. And he really couldn’t say no to her cookies. 

“This is for you and Christopher and that man of yours too,” abuela said and without her saying his name, Eddie knew she meant Buck. 

Eddie hoped he was his man. Wanted him to be his man. It was the thing that he wanted most of all these days. 

“I love him,” Eddie said because if there was anyone that should know how he felt other than maybe Buck, it was abuela. 

Eddie wasn’t even thinking about the whole Buck being a guy thing. He was just thinking about how he felt and how natural feeling that way was. He loved Buck. And he wanted to share that with his abuela. 

“Yo se, Eddito. No eres bueno a esconderlo.” She chuckled after she said it and then she smiled at him. “And I may be old, hijo, pero ese chico...el es la razón que te he visto mas y mas como eras antes de que esa gringa te dejo. Christopher loves him too, I know.” 

[“I know, Eddito. You’re not good at hiding it.” She chuckled after she said it and then she smiled at him. “And I may be old, son, but this boy...he’s the reason that you’ve been more like you used to be before that woman left you. Christopher loves him too, I know.”]

“You get what I’m saying right, abuela. I’m in love with him,” Eddie said and he watched her put down the measuring cup she was holding and walk over to him and she put both hands on his face, staring at him. 

“Eddie, it doesn’t matter to me who you love as long as you are happy. I like Buck. He’s a good man and your son loves him. At one time maybe I wouldn’t have understood this but it’s a different time than when I grew up. So, it’s okay. You can love whoever you want to love.”

Eddie could feel himself tearing up. He hadn’t realized how much he’d feared her response. When the first tear fell, abuela wiped it off and then she pulled him into a tight hug and Eddie knew that he was full on crying but it didn’t matter. His abuela accepted him. She didn’t care that Eddie loved a man. 

“Gracias,” Eddie whispered. 

[“Thanks”]

“Okay, now. Go and clean yourself up y despues tienes que ayudarme con estas galletas. Otherwise I’ll never get them in the oven.” 

[“Okay, now. Go and clean yourself up and after you have to come help with these cookies. Otherwise I’ll never get them in the oven.”]

Eddie laughed and he went back into the bathroom. He threw water on his face and looked at himself in the mirror. He was happy to have his abuela on his side, happy to know that she could accept that part of him. Eddie was a little more hesitant about how the rest of the family would react. Pepa would understand, probably and if she didn’t abuela would set her straight. His sisters too. It was his parents that wouldn’t get it or at the very least his dad and Eddie found that he didn’t care. He was in a whole other state and away from them and their reactions wouldn’t matter. It was his life. Not theirs. 

He stuck around helping with the cookies and waiting for them to bake. He told abuela all about his feelings for Buck and how he had never considered the possibility that he liked men like that before meeting Buck but how so much had made sense once he thought it through. 

“Tienes que decirle como te sientes, Eddie. I can tell it’s bothering you to keep it in. Hasn’t it been enough time of being unhappy?”

[“You have to tell him how you feel, Eddie...”]

“What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What about that? About Christopher and his Buck.” 

Abuela laughed at that. “Don’t be a coward. Tell him. Don’t be a coward, Edmundo.” 

He texted Buck, then. He avoided bringing up Abby because whatever had happened between Buck and Abby, he wanted to hear about it in person. And depending on that he would decide on what happened next and if he would tell Buck how he felt or kept it to himself forever and kept them as they were. But maybe he needed to tell him no matter what and make sure that Buck knew he was an option. 

He left abuela’s house with a container full of cookies but didn’t go to Buck’s apartment immediately and instead stopped by his house first, taking a shower because he felt a little grimy from working on the sink and because he was also pretty sure he’d gotten some flour in his hair too. He left for Buck’s as soon as he was dressed again, bringing along about half of the cookies that abuela had given him with him. 

Eddie didn’t bother to knock on the door and let himself in. It was only after he was inside that he thought to regret that a little because he just didn’t know what kind of state he would find Buck in and he hated the idea of just barging in. To recover from that, he called out for Buck as he walked into Buck’s kitchen to drop off the cookies. 

“Buck!” Eddie called out. “You here?” 

“I’m upstairs,” Buck called back. 

He was alone, then. It made Eddie let out a breath in relief not that he’d really expected for Buck to have brought Abby home or anything. He made it to the stairs and walked up and found Buck lying in his bed. 

“Ah, lazing about, I see,” Eddie said. 

“It is my day off, Diaz,” Buck shot back. 

Eddie couldn’t help but roll his eyes at Buck, smiling because he just looked so adorable. His hair was a little rumpled and he looked so peaceful and rested and Eddie moved towards him and he sat down right at the foot of Buck’s bed, facing him. 

“So,” Eddie said and he had to do this. He had to get his questions answered. 

“So what?” Buck asked, tilting his head a little. 

“Abby. How did it go?” Eddie said and he didn’t know what he was expecting even if he knew that he wanted Buck to tell him he and Abby weren’t rekindling their relationship. 

Buck seemed a little surprised at the question. But then, he answered. “It went okay. Actually, I guess it went kind of great.”

It hurt a little even if he could see that Buck was happy about that. 

“Are you going to see her again?” Eddie asked. His fingers had started playing with a loose string on the bedspread and he hoped that he wasn’t coming off too pushy. 

“Maybe. Probably,” Buck said. “We just got to clear the air about everything that happened back then and I guess I needed that. I needed to see her and understand why she did what she did.” 

And it was just that. Eddie could tell. Eddie reached over and nudged Buck’s ankle gently with his hand. Offering what he could in way of support and because touching Buck in any way felt grounding. He needed that. 

“Closure, I guess,” Buck continued. “Reminded me just how much I changed after I met her...how much it made me think about what I wanted from life and for myself. And, I have to be honest with you, Eddie. I have to—” he trailed off and sat up and looked straight at Eddie. 

Eddie wasn’t sure what to make of the way that Buck was looking at him, a mixture of nervous and unsure and yet determined too. It made him just a tad nervous. 

“What is it?” Eddie asked. 

He didn’t know what to expect or what would happen next. Eddie had no idea why his heart was beating so fast or why looking at Buck was both the best thing and the hardest. He loved him no matter what Buck needed to tell him. That was who they were — what their friendship was all about. Having each other’s backs. 

“To put it bluntly?” Buck said, chuckling nervously. “I just — I love you, Eddie. I’m in love with you.” 

Silence fell over them and Eddie felt like time had stopped completely because that wasn’t what he’d been expecting. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen...what he’d expected to happen. And he couldn’t say anything or do anything. Words were this thing that weren’t forthcoming. 

When Eddie said nothing, Buck continued. “It’s — it’s insane but it’s true and I can’t keep that to myself any longer because doing that feels wrong and the last thing I want is to ruin our friendship because it means the world to me and—”

His words were finally an option and as soon as he could, he reached over and grabbed Buck’s hand. “Stop. Buck, stop.”

Buck pulled back, so quickly that Eddie didn’t get a chance to catch his hand before he pulled it away. 

“Oh, I—” Buck said and he was trying to avoid Eddie’s gaze. 

Eddie shook his head. “No, no. Buck. No, stop. I—”

Buck pulled back entirely, scrambling away from Eddie. He was on the other side of the bed and facing away too but at least he wasn’t leaving altogether. Eddie stood up and rounded the bed to the other side, grabbing Buck’s wrists to be sure that he would stay there. 

“What I’m trying to say,” Eddie said. “It’s that I love you too, Buck.”

“What?” Buck asked, his eyes shot up to meet Eddie’s and they were so blue and glassy with unshed tears but still so beautiful. 

“Te amo, Buck,” Eddie said and he couldn’t help but laugh because all the worry and all the being in his head for months and months about this man had been for nothing. He let all of that go. He loved him too. Buck loved him too. 

“You do,” Buck said. 

“I do,” Eddie said. “I’m right here — I told you last night…”

“Next to me,” Buck said with such wonder and surprise in his voice. “You’re next to me.”

“Por siempre,” Eddie said. “Voy a estar a tu lado, mi amor.”

[“Forever,” Eddie said, “I’ll be next to you, my love.”]

“Mi amor,” Buck mumbled. “Like the sound of that.”

[“My love”]

Eddie chuckled at that and he let out a sigh of relief too. He let go of Buck’s wrists, sure that Buck wouldn’t leave now and Buck stood up right into Eddie’s space, his hands going to Eddie’s face, cupping his cheeks. Eddie inhaled at his touch, feeling how warm his hands were and how Buck moved ever closer until they were sharing breath. Their eyes were locked together and Eddie couldn’t help but lick his lips. Buck was the one to move, their noses brushing against each other as Buck angled his head and then kissed him. 

It was a lot at once to feel Buck’s lips on his and to know first hand that Buck’s lips were just as soft and as plump as they looked and that Buck didn’t deepen the kiss until Eddie kissed him back and then it was a whole other ballpark. Eddie pulled him closer by the hips, his hands drifting on Buck’s back. Kissing a man was different but the same and Eddie could hardly focus on the distinction when his mind was screaming that he was kissing Buck. That Buck was kissing him back. 

Buck’s hands trailed down from his cheeks to his chest and then his arms were around his neck and they were just kissing and kissing and kissing and it was everything. It was more than everything. 

The kisses were slow and fast and hard and everything in between. Passion and the tension that had been present between them just exploding and being released and needing to be explored. It felt like being free and when Buck stopped, placing a hand on Eddie’s chest, Eddie took him in — his red slightly bitten lips and the way his pupils were blown, his breath coming out in pants. 

“Buck—”

Buck pushed him gently into the bed and Eddie fell back, sitting right on the edge. Buck stepped in close and Eddie wanted nothing more than to pull him down with him and from the way that Buck was looking at him, it didn’t seem like Buck would protest at all but there was something beautiful about sitting on Buck’s bed and having Buck stand just over him, his attention settled solely on him. 

Buck’s lips twitched into a smile and he reached down to grab Eddie’s hands, lacing their fingers together into a perfect fit but he lifted them and dropped them and then his hands landed on Eddie’s shoulders, his fingers just lightly touching his neck. 

“I don’t want to rush this. I don’t want this to be like what I used to be like. I want — I just want you to know you’re it for me.”

Eddie chuckled. “I’m not a blushing virgin here, Buck. And we’re stuck with each other now. Alright? We set whatever pace we want. And right now, I mostly just want to touch you and kiss you and hold you. I want everything. With you.” 

“Okay,” Buck said and he was smirking when he climbed on the bed, his knees landing on either side of Eddie so that it almost felt like he was being straddled and that was a thought that Eddie definitely wanted to follow. 

Buck was still taller than Eddie when he was on his knees like that and Buck had to lean down to meet him in a kiss but he barely brushed their lips together before Buck sat back, so he was almost sitting on Eddie’s lap and as he did, Buck kissed down the line of Eddie’s jaw towards his ear, leaving fire in his wake. 

Eddie groaned and he had to free his hands to be able to grab at Buck, one hand going to Buck’s back to pull him in by his ass because Eddie had been checking it out long enough that it was time he get a feel. Buck groaned into his neck but it turned into a chuckle. 

“How long have you been lusting after me, Diaz?” Buck whispered into his ear before he licked down his neck and chuckled again when Eddie shivered. 

“I’m not making that head of yours even bigger,” Eddie muttered. 

“Was I your gay awakening?” Buck asked, pulling back to look at him, eyes glinting in amusement and his smile wide. 

Eddie grabbed at him, pulling him in close. Eddie could feel how hard Buck was. He could feel him against him because they were so pressed up together and it was an impossible thing to miss. Something he didn’t want to miss. Something that was so incredibly hot and that Eddie had no idea what to do with because he’d never done this. It was intimidating in a way, until he remembered that it was Buck and that made it easier to face. 

“You may have played a part,” Eddie admitted. 

Buck kissed him hard at that and Eddie lost his balance from holding up both of their weight and fell back on the bed but Buck didn’t even seem to notice because he just kept kissing Eddie and Eddie could get lost to how good Buck was because the two of them just seemed to fit. 

Eddie’s hands wandered on Buck’s back over his shirt but then he wanted to feel skin and his hands slipped under his shirt. Buck shivered at his first touch and Eddie almost backtracked, but Buck did one better and he pulled back long enough to take his shirt off all together and Eddie almost forgot to breathe but then he was touching Buck again and he was all muscle and hard plains but his skin was also warm and smooth and Eddie could touch him forever. He wanted to explore every piece of him. The best thing was knowing that he could and that he would have all the time to learn every inch of Buck.

Eddie was the one to initiate the next kiss and Buck just let him lead. Kissing Buck was like forgetting that anything else mattered, it was as if everything just went away so that there was only them. It also made him want more. His fingers were tracing over Buck’s skin and Buck rolled them over so he was on the bed instead of Eddie and looking at him lying down and being so open to Eddie, it made his heart want to burst. He’d never expected to be so lucky. 

“I love you,” Eddie said. 

“I think we went over that already,” Buck said and then Buck’s hands were tugging on his shirt and his fingers were touching his stomach and pushing up the shirt and Eddie just let Buck undress him because after the shirt, Buck made work of his jeans, unbuttoning them and pulling down the zipper and keeping eye contact as he did it as if to make sure that Eddie was okay with being undressed. 

“Can I touch you?” Buck whispered into his ear eventually.“All of you.” 

Eddie gasped but he nodded because he had no words and Buck giggled against his lips as they kissed again. 

In the next moment he lost all thought because Buck’s hand was right there and Eddie bucked up into him and Buck just chuckled and somehow without losing any contact with Eddie, Buck got out of his pants and Eddie couldn’t help but reach out and help him out of his underwear too because it only felt fair and because Eddie wanted to see. He wanted to touch. He wanted everything. But then Buck was there and naked and it was different and he felt vulnerable in a strange way. 

It felt overwhelming in that Eddie had never done this before. He’d never been with another man in any capacity. Sex was sex, but it was intimidating to be in a bed with another man and to not really know what he was doing or what he was supposed to do. Buck took pity on him, pulling him into a slow and sweet kiss that made him forget and lose himself to Buck who touched him so gently and who loved him. 

“Are you okay?” Buck asked. “Is this too much?” 

Eddie shook his head, kissing Buck again and letting his hands wander over Buck, exploring and touching and it became easier because it was Buck and everything with Buck was easier and comfortable and kind of perfect especially when Buck started kissing down his chest and Eddie should have known that Buck would be good at that. He would never forget the way that Buck looked at him when he’d had enough of licking and biting at Eddie’s chest, how much hunger and want and desire was in his eyes right before his fingers were touching Eddie and his mouth was on him. 

Afterwards, when they were lying in Buck’s bed, a little worn out and maybe sweaty too, but still pressed together because they couldn’t not have physical contact, Eddie had to ask. 

“Since when?” Eddie asked. His fingers traced over the skin on Buck’s chest up to his clavicle.

“Since when, what?”

“This,” Eddie said, motioning between them. “You liking me. Since when?” 

Buck huffed a breath. “I had a crush on you pretty much from the first moment I saw you. Hated you a little too, but—” he trailed off and Eddie could tell that he was smiling. “And you? I kinda got the sense I got you to realize you liked men.”

Eddie was blushing a little, he could tell and he turned his head into Buck’s chest. He felt Buck kiss the top of his head. 

“You were a factor. I think it’s been there all along and when I really thought about it, it seemed right. And I don’t know quite when I realized, but I knew for sure after the tsunami. After you saved Christopher.”

“I lost—”

“You saved him,” Eddie said firmly. “And I knew I loved you then. But I knew before that too and I think I’ve been pulled to you for far longer than that. I knew since then and for a long time it was figuring out my sexuality and Shannon and the one thing I knew I didn’t want was to lose you.”

“So you never said anything,” Buck said. “Me too. But, I’m glad I did. I’m so glad I did.”

“I was coming to tell you too,” Eddie said.

Buck chuckled. “We’re on the same wavelength.”

“I was jealous,” Eddie admitted. “Abby coming back — I know what that’s like to have your ex just pop back into your life and I realized that if you and her got back together and I didn’t try to fight for you that I would regret it forever.”

Eddie kissed Buck’s chest, the nearest part of skin that he could reach and he felt Buck’s hold on him tighten. He closed his eyes and let the moment linger. This was his, now. It was him and Buck. 

They had to get up eventually after long lingering moments of small and simple touches and chaste kisses and just lying in each other’s arms. The feeling between them — the rightness — it didn’t seem like something that would fail or go away any time soon. 

Eddie had to go pick up Christopher from his friend’s house, and as much as he would have loved to call Carla to go do it for him, it didn’t feel responsible when he was capable of going. He wasn’t surprised when Buck dressed and followed him down from his bedroom loft. 

“Oh, I forgot,” Eddie said. “Abuela sent cookies. I brought you some.” 

Buck found the container in the kitchen and he grabbed it and brought it with him, already opening it up as they headed out to the car. He’d eaten one by the time they were in Eddie’s truck. 

“And do we recall a conversation about sugar?” Eddie asked, a little amused.

“Don’t even start,” Buck said with a roll of his eyes as he put a seatbelt on. “Now the question is. Yours or mine tonight?” 

Eddie laughed. “Anywhere,” Eddie said. “As long as I’m with you.” 

Buck reached over and brushed his thumb over Eddie’s cheek, his fingers lingering on his face. “I think this is the start of something beautiful,” Buck said.

“No,” Eddie said. “No, we’re already in the middle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are. At the end. I am so happy to have gotten to this point and to share it all with you. Hope you all liked it and let me know what you thought. :)
> 
> If you want to come to talk to me about anything at all, you can find me on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com)
> 
> You can also reblog/like this chapter on [tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/612420906166403072/next-to-me-1717).


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